smokin' confession

As many of you know I've been a dedicated smoker for um... let's just say a "few" years.

Ok truth is... I lit my first cigarette when I was 15 years old.

Around 10th grade I put 'em down for almost an entire year & didn't pick even one up what-so-ever.  Of course the first time I did though... well I didn't put 'em back down again for the rest of my high school days.

Then around the age 27ish I decided to quit again.  Went to the dr & got some pills to help me quit this habbit & was almost successful but then when life started falling apart & the stress levels went up in my life, I failed.  I failed badly.

I've been wanting to quit for a long time now, but my hard true confession is that... I'm scared.

A little over a month ago, there I was once again at the dr's office asking for pills to help with the addiction.  The first week I was so determined & focussed on quitting & I cut back to almost half of what I was smoking.  I felt better physically & I kept thinking if I could just reach the point where I can go one entire day without a cigarette I believe at that point I can truly conquer this for good.  The dr made it very clear to me that I shouldn't try to stop "cold turkey" & because of my history of smoking, this would be a slow process over a 2-3 month period or I would be more likely to fall off the wagon later.

The older I've gotten... the harder everything seems to be.
It's harder to maintain that "skinny" figure that back-n-the-day I didn't even have to think about or work for.  If I even think about food, I gain weight nowdays.  I swear it.

I'm scared to fail again & my nightmere of weight gain while trying to quit smoking has come true.

So it's a toss up.  Gain weight & strickly concentrate on stop smoking OR keep smoking & work on losing weight.  Doing both at the same time is just simply impossible for me.  Even the dr told me that would be just asking for trouble to attempt both at the same time.

Here's another hard true confession for me...
I was doing great with the cutting back on smoking & working towards quitting altogether, but in the past week I've been so depressed about the weight gain I've failed badly with smoking.  So I'm stuck.

I don't expect or want to be some 100 lb anorexic barbie doll by any means, but I'd like to lose a few lbs & get back to where I should be again.

So what do I do?

I'm scared of failing again, but being depressed & not feeling so great about the way I look equals stress for me.  And stress equals smoking.

Everything costs money that I don't have.

I would run to the weight dr & beg for help... but that takes money.
Then I could attempt to lose weight & stop smoking at the same time... maybe I could do it, hell I don't know.

Stress... Stress... Stress... Stress...Stress

I feel like I'm stuck in a mud hole & I don't have 4 wheel drive to get myself out!

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