December is almost over

Seems like I never take the time to blog anymore like I used to.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to do better about blogging more often.  I really do enjoy it!

Here's the last month recap...

Thanksgiving was nice.  We went to my big family gathering this year since not everyone had seen Kayla yet & others hadn't seen her in quite awhile.  We spent a few hours there then came home for naptime.

We had our family pictures made at Portrait Innovations, since Sears is going out of business at the mall.  I wouldn't recommend them to anyone if my life depended upon it.  I will have to write an entire other post about our experience with them & why I'm so pissed off about our experience.  Let's just say I hope nobody else I know goes to them EVER!

I took Kayla to Bass Pro again this year to get her picture made with Santa.  Now that she's older I wasn't sure how she would react, but she loved him!  It was so cute to watch her try to talk to him all serious, but the elves kept trying to get her to look at the camera & well that ended up making her a little mad, then of course that's the exact moment they snapped the picture.  Go figure.  I would have been ok with the picture of her trying to talk to him... to me that was just to cute.  Oh well.  Picture with Santa accomplished & it's something we can look back on again later.

Kayla's birthday party Sunday, December 9th went great.  She got a lot of stuff and enjoyed playing with all the kids and seeing everyone.  My BFF Kat made an awesome Minnie Mouse cake, it was so so cute!  Of course her birthday is so close to Christmas, that she's barely gotten to play with all of her birthday toys and bam it's Christmas & time for more gifts!  We did Christmas with my family yesterday at our house.  It was very nice, we had a great time.

I have to say that one of the biggest things that I'm thankful for is to be able to have family at our house for the holidays.  To have a big enough house to have everyone over is just the best feeling ever.  We were able to finish our den/office before the holidays too.  That was the best Christmas present ever.  It's so nice & beautiful, I love it!  It actually looks like a room now instead of a converted garage... just amazing.

I know this is short, but while I had a few moments I thought I would post a little update on what's been going on in our world the past month.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas & hope everyone stays warm in this chilly weather we're having.

Minnie Mouse success

I'm very proud to announce that Kayla's Minnie Mouse costume turned out great!  I will be the first to admit that during the process of sewing it together, I made several mistakes, had to take it apart a few times, lost some sleep thinking and worrying about it, but all in all... I'm so impressed with the final results.  Personally I think she's the cutest Minnie Mouse I've ever seen!

So here's how our Halloween week went.  At work we started decorating late last week and I must say I loved the way everything turned out.  It was a slight competition between upstairs and downstairs... and hands down... upstairs won (which is where I'm at).  All the girls did a great job and all the creativeness between everyone was amazing.  The night before Halloween, I got Kayla dressed up in her Minnie Mouse and took her over to my Uncle Earl's house to deliver some cookies we made for him.  He always likes it when I made him cookies or desert of any sorts.  My Aunt Oneta happened to be over there as well, so of course I had to snap some pictures.

Yesterday, on Halloween... we had a lunch pot-luck party at work along with costume contest.  Needless to say it probably wasn't the most productive work day ever, but it was definitely fun.  I left work early and headed home to get Kayla ready, everything packed and head out to Mustang to my brother's house for trick-or-treat.  I convinced my parents to come along so they could be there for Kayla's first trick-or-treat experience.  Fred was out west and was suppose to head in to meet us in Mustang, but ended up calling an hour before to say he wasn't going to make it after all.  Which was very disappointing to hear.  I really hoped he would be there for Kayla.

After a few houses she kinda started getting the hang of it.  The first house, she wasn't sure what was going on.  Second house, they had a dog and she wanted to go inside and pet it.  Third house, she was almost ran over by her cousin Katie and then wanted to give the people candy out of her bucket.  Fourth and fifth house she held her bucket up for them to put candy in... and of course never spoke a word to anyone the entire time.  After the fifth house she crawled into her stroller and was pretty much done.  I managed to push her to a few more houses right up to the front door to collect candy, but then I decided we should head back to the house.  It was an experience for her and she seemed to have more fun playing in the living room with all the kids rather than roaming the streets walking up to strangers hoping for them to drop stuff in her pumpkin.  I wish Halloween would have been on a weekend instead of a weekday, because we didn't stay long.  We had to get back on the road to get home so I could get my little Minnie Mouse to bed before it got to late.  I'm already looking forward to next year, especially since Kayla will have a better understanding of what trick-or-treat is all about.  Maybe next time Fred will actually make it too.

 

How lucky I am

I can honestly say that every single day of my life I'm reminded just how lucky I am to have the most beautiful, wonderful, and precious daughter in the world.  As crazy as it may sound, I'm completely addicted to her.  Her laugh makes me laugh, her smile makes me smile, she's just contagious for me and I don't mind it one bit.

Of all the jobs I've had in my lifetime or all the things I've ever done... being a mommy is the absolute best and highest honor I've ever had or could ever receive.

Tonight as Kayla and I were winding down from dancing to "The Hot Dog Song" and other random songs from the tv... I pretended to collapse in the floor with arms spread out.  Kayla jumps up, runs to grab a blanket and her "doggy" then comes to cover me up with the blanket then attempts to crawl under there with me along with "doggy" too.  Just warms my heart, she's so sweet.

Last Friday night for whatever reason, Kayla didn't sleep well.  At all.
She went to bed at her usual 8:30pm time but then around 1am she was crying.  I went to soothe her, lay her back down, cover her up, etc., but shortly after I had crawled back in bed there she was awake and crying again.  It's a very rare occasion that she will wake up in the night like that so I knew she wasn't feeling quite right.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get her back to sleep, I made the decision to bring her to bed with me, which was around 3am.  I tried laying her next to me thinking I could just cuddle her, but that didn't work she wanted to lay on top of me with "doggy" in hand of course.  So I propped the pillows up where I could lay slightly upright, then within minutes she was sound asleep and still laying ontop of me as well, lol.  I got as much sleep as I could for the next 3 hours and was partially still asleep when we stumbled out of bed into the living room to flip the tv on.  If I would have realized it was only 6am I would have not gotten out of bed, but well I was sleep deprived and a little out of it.  We dozed off and on while laying on the couch watching random things on tv.  I'm glad she just wanted to hang out with me on the couch and not run wild thru the house.

Even though I was seriously sleep deprived all day Saturday and was only about half way functioning most of the day... I enjoyed every minute of it.  It's a good feeling to feel wanted and to know that you are able to put your sweet baby back to sleep when nothing else works.  Apparently she was just wanting some mommy time and wanted me close.

She's growing so fast, so I'm trying to absorb all the sweetest she's willing to give while she's this age.

On another note... I had this bright idea awhile back that I would make a minnie mouse costume for Kayla to wear for Halloween this year.  What was I thinking?  There are times when I don't exactly think everything thru completely before diving off in the deep end.  Well there is no failing this project, one way or the other she will be wearing the minnie mouse costume I make when I finally finish it.  I was attempting to put the sleeves on tonight and well that proved to be a little more challenging then I thought it would be, lol.  I need all fingers and toes crossed and lots of prayers this will turn out good.

I will have to post pics when I'm done!

My cousin Gary

Well I have some very sad news... my cousin Gary has an in-curable lung disease.  Caused from having pneumonia so many times and it's caused a lot of scar tissue to develop in his lungs.  When my aunt took him to the dr the other day, his oxygen level was so low it wouldn't even register on the testing machine they wanted him to breathe in.  This is not good at all.

Unfortunately there is nothing they can do for him except make him as comfortable as possible with inhalers and meds.  My aunt said that slowly but surely it will start to cut off his breathing over time and he will eventually live on oxygen and well... that's about it.  Gary knows what's going on but doesn't know the severity of it.  Because of other health conditions he has, my aunt said that it's best he doesn't know how serious it really is.  It would only make him upset which would cause more harm than good.  Why does it always seem like when it rains... it pours?  He's such a kind sole and the most giving and loving person in the world, but yet he's faced so many challenges in his life that have caused him so much pain and now this.  One more thing to cause him discomfort and pain once again.  It just doesn't make sense to me why things happen like they do, but I guess it's not really up to me to understand the "why" in life either.

Growing up, my aunt was like another mom to me and my cousins, Gary and Sheri were more like siblings to me then cousins.  We've always had a very close bond from the start, that's just how it's always been.  It breaks my heart to know what he's going thru and the long road he has ahead.

We just have to put it in Gods hands and let him lead the way thru the pain.

As Gary always says... "I love you and God Bless"

Going back

Tuesday we had an appointment to see Paula again.  Unfortunately Fred was unable to make it because he was out west working ground in order to plant wheat this week.

I've been after him for some time to make another appointment with Paula so we could attempt to get back on track again... however he never did until late last week and then he couldn't even make it.  A little disappointing for me.

My chat with Paula was much needed and even though Fred couldn't make it I feel like maybe that was meant to be.  I was able to get a lot of things off my chest, I learned a lot and feel I have a new approach to take now.

I learned that I need to take care of myself first and most importantly take care of Kayla as well.  I can't change Fred's priorties to put myself and Kayla first.  I can't change his trail of thoughts or what choices he makes.  However, I can make the right decisions for me and Kayla.  That is what I do have control over.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from the continous conversations we have about why he never comes home when he says he will or the times he promises to be home at least one day on the weekend but yet something always comes up to drag him in another direction.

One thing that really hit home was "you can't love someone enough to change them, they have to love you enough to change."

Wow... so true, so true.  I guess I had never thought of it that way before.  It's amazing how one statement can make such an impact on how you feel about things.  Paula said that she feels like I'm holding back on life because I spend to much time trying to think of what's right for "us" when he is obviously not doing the same in return.  This only causes more weight on me trying to love him that much more in hopes the lightbulb will come on one day in his head and start putting our family first instead of everyone else.

It's hard to believe we've been going to Paula over a year now, but yet we still have the same issues and problems as we did when we first started going.  She said that when there's been little progress and the same issues are there as they were before especially in over a years time frame... chances are it's not going to change anytime soon, if ever.  She strongly suggested that I take a step back and focus on myself and what's best for me and Kayla.  And I think she's right... about everything.

I've "bitched" at Fred so many times about how things may change for a day or even two, but then we take 20 steps backwards all over again.  This is a constant roll-a-coaster that I'm tired of being on.  Unfortunately it just never seems to sink in though.

The truth and reality isn't always easy.  The time he's been away this week has given me time to think and to emotionally relax, so I'm thankful for that.

It's sad to say but when he's not here, I don't have to pick up things left around the house that Kayla shouldn't get into such as knives or medicine.  I don't have to worry about him coming home when he said he would because I know he's not coming home at all.

It's such a loss in so many ways.  I wish he knew the serious impact his behavior has on his daughter and on me.

If only I had some magic pixie dust to make it all better now.

In Remembrance

Lately I haven't the time out of my busy schedule to blog, but tonight I am making the point to.

I want to take a moment and dedicate this blog to several people in my life and you know who you are.

The recent loss of a magnificent woman Mrs. Orr, has saddened my heart tremendously.

I remember the last time I hugged her like it was yesterday.  Mr. & Mrs. Orr were officially moving to Houston to be closer to their daughter and that was really rough for them.  The moving truck was at the house and everyone was working hard to load everything for the long move to Houston.  Fred and I stopped in to say goodbye.  I knew at the time, chances were I wouldn't have the opportunity to see them again.  As I hugged and hugged her tightly that day it was hard to bring myself to walk out the front door to leave.  I managed to keep the tears from flowing until I approached the front doorway and had to force myself to continue walking through it.  Being pregnant at the time didn't help my emotions either.

Months before the move took place, Fred and I had discussed the option of buying the house to raise our family.  It was the perfect location, right down the street from my parents, close to town and work... everything seemed so right but at the same time it was sad too.  They had to leave their dog Spike behind and we took care of him until he passed away just a week after I brought Kayla home from the hospital.  I was devastated to find Spike and truly believe he was heartbroken after they moved away.  Even though we loved and took care of him, I'm sure for him it just wasn't the same without them around.

Mrs. Orr was more than just my best friend Kat's grandma, the neighbor down the street, a wonderful teacher, a great piano player... she was like another mom.  She always treated Kat like she was her child, not her grandchild and she was always so proud to talk about her every chance she got.  You could just see her face light up every time.  She loved all her kids so much and anytime you were around her you could just feel it.  Just being in her presence, with all the warmth she radiated, made you want to strive to be a better person yourself.  I believe she had that affect on everyone around her.

I will always cherish the times that I would call upon her for help with homework that I didn't understand and she was always more than willing to teach me.  Even though I never had her as a teacher in a school environment, she was the best teacher I've ever had.

It was because of her that Kat and I started hanging out together around the age of eight.  Of course our friendship developed into not only best friends, but family as we still remain today.  I can still hear Mrs. Orr telling me on so many occasions how glad she was that Kat and I had remained so close through the years, even though we lived far apart growing up.  Kat and I always looked forward to the end of the school year because she would spend the summer with her grandparents and we would get to see each other.  When we were young girls, we couldn't call each other on the phone because it was long distance and would cost extra money, so from time to time we would mail each other letters.  Her grandma always took us to the mall to shop and she would do her shopping and we would go roam the mall and meet her back at a certain time and she would always be patiently waiting for us in a chair just outside of Sears.

On September 8th, Mr. and Mrs. Orr celebrated 71 years of marriage.  How amazing is that?  Again that is something to look up to and truly appreciate all the love, work and rough roads it sometimes takes to get there.  I always thought it was so cute how you could just look at them and know how much they loved each other by the way they acted towards each other.  I can only hope and pray that someday my marriage can be that strong too.

With regret I won't be able to attend Mrs. Orr's funeral on Monday, because it is in Houston.  If I had the extra money to fly out there, I would do it in a heartbeat.  If I had the extra money to make the road trip, I would do that too.  Unfortunately neither of these are options though.

Even though I'm unable to physically attend the services, I know in my heart she knows how much I love her and will always hold close all the memories we've made through the years.

For my best friend Kat, please know that I will be with you on your 10 hour journey in the morning as well as your return back home.  You know for sure someone else will be watching over you too, and we both know she will most definitely ensure your safe travel!  You will be in my thoughts and prayers as always and if you need anything, you know I'm here.  I love you.

Mrs. Orr, you were an angel here on earth and now you're an angel in Heaven.  I love you forever and always.

First ER Visit

July 7th was Kayla's first ER visit.

Friday, July 6th early evening she was running a high temp, so I gave her some tylenol in hopes it would come down.  I gave her another dose around 1am after checking her temp again & it had creeped up instead of down.  Then Saturday morning when I checked again... it was even higher & she was burning up!  I wasn't sure what was going on so I made the decision to run her down to the ER just to be on the safe side.

She was the absolute perfect ER patient.  All the nurses & doctor were impressed with her.  She was a big girl the whole time & after a full work over, including a urine test, everything came back good & the doctor said she probably just had a viral infection & just to continue tylenol & motrine every 4 hours until her temp came down.

My poor love bug.  I felt completely helpless not being able to fix her immediately.

I know some might say I overreacted by rushing her down to the ER, but hey... better safe then sorry in my opinion.  I felt much better after taking her to get her checked out.

What a weekend that was though.  It just so happened that I had to work all weekend from home & that proved to be a challenge, but I got as much finished as I could & was satisfied with that.

The worst part came that following Tuesday morning, July 10th.  Fred had gotten up earlier to leave the house to take some cattle to the stockyards & not to long after he shut the door behind him... Kayla awoke & was crying, which is not like her at all.  She usually takes a little while to completely wake up & typically she's in a pretty good mood.  But not this morning, at all.

My poor love bug's eyes were completely swollen shut with goop.  It was so sad.  She just cried & cried... I took her temp & it was high so I knew it was time for a dr visit for sure.  I called my dad to come down to the house to hold her for a few minutes so that I could at least make the phone call to the dr office to get her an appointment.  Poor thing, she just wanted her mommy & nobody else... not even her papa.  Luckily they were able to get her an appointment... except the only spot they had available wasn't until 4:30pm that day!

Kayla & I made the most of it though, we played dr & I held warm wash cloths on her little swollen eyes until I could get them un-gooped & she could see again.  They stayed swollen most of the day, but the more time passed the better she got thankfully.  By the time 4:30pm rolled around she was up & playing more & in better spirits.

They did some tests at the dr office & well... she had the flu!  Can you believe that?  What made my blood start to boil was when they said the ER should have caught this when I took her there.  If only they would have swabbed her throat & nose & ran a few other tests we would have caught this earlier & could've given her medication to make her better much faster.  Unfortunately since she had probably had the flu since Friday, there wasn't any medicine to give her for it & we would just have to ride it out for a few more days.  Ugh my poor sweet baby!

Despite having the flu, Kayla was in a good mood.  She had a few days of only wanting mommy to hold her, but besides that she was great!

I enjoyed every minute of being at home, holding her the entire day when she was sick.  I felt needed & that was truly an excellant feeling.  I just wish we could have figured everything out much sooner & helped her get better faster.

I have to say, being a mommy is the best, most rewarding job in the entire world!  Totally priceless in my opinion.

Anonymous email

I have my blog set up where anyone who wishes to post a comment regarding any blog, it first comes directly to my personal email for approval... then if I approve, it will then & only then post pubicly for everyone else to see.

When I received this the other day, I had to take some time to think about it.  Then I decided instead of approving it to post, I would actually address this.

The email I received was in regards to my May 23rd blog:

I was sad when I read this. I not imagine what you going through. He doesn't know what he has. You very sweet friend to me for so many years now and the most beutiful person I've ever known inside out known you for 18 years now. I don't know how anyone could say they are not attracted to you cause you have always been hot not only on outside but inside to. I know I would had loved you better than that. dating you set the standars very high for those I saw after you and there've been times I wish my wife was more like you. (please do not lecture me saying that you know I love my wife)Though you and I did not wofk out in relationship we became close friends over years and I sometimes wish things would have been different. Makes me very sad to read you pain and wish I could tell him how he would regret losing you if he ever does. I know I do regret. don't let anybody take you down you more than that so much more than that. You are one of a kind kim and the best. One millon guys out there who would love you I know it. Havent' talked in long time but Im always goin be here for you always.

The email was signed from anonymous with no name, however I have a pretty good idea of who this is.  I had a few mixed emotions, in a way I was very flattered, but in another way I wasn't quite sure what to think.  First, I wasn't aware that any of my ex's were reading my blog, so that kinda shocked me.  Second, to hear someone say they regret that things didn't work out from a relationship that was sooo long ago, completely floored me.

I know that everyone has their own opinions of what should or shouldn't happen in someone else's life & everyone is entitled to that I suppose.  I do thank you for the email/comment, it did make me feel like "I still have it" in a way, but more importantly I want to say that I do love my husband & I have all intentions of working through things & hopefully getting our marriage on a stronger path.  I appreciate that you didn't automatically strike out with "I should leave him" or any of those types of things.  I know the tough times you've been through in your own marriage & I know that you were simply trying to reach out to let me know someone cares & make me feel better, in which you accomplished.

Thank you for reading my blog & always being a loving, caring friend!

When Your Husband Has Given Up

It's amazing how sometimes things just happen on the days we are struggling the most.  This email came across my path today & I thought it was so fitting I wanted to post it for everyone to read...

When Your Husband Has Given Up
By Lysa TerKeurst

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

The silence. The rejection. The harsh words. The absence of intimacy. The questions. The lack of answers. The hurt.

My heart aches for anyone in a marriage that's struggling. I've been there. Many of us have.  But I think the deepest hurt comes when one spouse resigns while the other is still trying. There is a panic that arises to somehow make the other person wake up, stop their resignation, and help you fix this relationship.

A situation like this is much more complicated than simple answers I could offer here. But might I give you one stepping stone upon which to stand, to stop the panic and balance yourself?

Decide today that you are worthy.

Because you are. Worthy. You may not feel like it. But a quick glimpse at Psalm 139 assures me, you are. And I'd rather depend on the solid truth of God than the roller coaster of fickle feelings.

You are beautiful and captivating and attractive and smart and capable. But if you are in a relationship full of unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and frustrating communication, I suspect you feel a little less than all I've described.

Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.
And if you're anything like me, when you feel broken down those around you get your worst. Then upon all the hurt and anxiety you layer on regret, shame, and the feeling that you've lost yourself. You've lost that girl inside you that used to be so positive and happy and ready to take on the world.

Can I whisper a tender truth to you? The only way to recapture her is to come up for air and remember you are worthy.

Then you can act worthy.

And step aside from the emotional yuck to make some level headed decisions. Get a plan. Talk to wise people who love you and will walk this tough journey with you.

Draw some boundaries with your husband, if there are some needed. Pray like crazy for clear discernment.

And read good books that will help you. I just read Dr. Tim Clinton's new book called, Breakthrough. In it he says, "By discovering God's definition of true love and learning to live by it, we can open the door to freedom. Our future is in God's hands. When you are able to see and embrace this truth — there's your breakthrough!"

Remember you can't control how he acts and reacts, but you can control how you act and react.

Reclaim who you are.

I pray your relationship survives. I pray it with every fiber of my being. But if it doesn't, I pray most of all that the beautiful woman you are rises above all the yuck, still clinging tightly to the only opinion that matters — the One who forever calls you worthy.

Dear Lord, my marriage is struggling. I'm struggling. Help me please. I need to hold on to Your truths that I am worthy. And God, please show me what steps to take to support my marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Right through the heart

We had another appointment with Paula yesterday.  I thought over all it was about fair to medium.  A few major things came to light.  When asked what are some things he would like for me to work on, they were... weight & smoking.  Two of which I already knew I had issues with & have for some time now.  With Paula we talked mainly about the smoking & how I would love to quit, yada yada yada & we didn't discuss the weight.

After hearing the word "weight" come out of his mouth, it was very hard for me to focus on anything else while we were there.  The emotions only got worse on my drive home.  It became overwhelming for me to even think about.  Finally after Kayla had her bath, was sound asleep & a few hours had passed... we ended up talking about this.  Even though the higher road was that he was able to get his true feelings out... the lower road is where I was stuck & ended up off in a ditch praying someone would cover me with dirt.

My entire life I've always thought I was "fat"... even back in the day when I only weighed a mere 100 lbs.  I don't know why, it's just always been an issue for me in my mind.  Now one of my worst fears in life has came true... the husband in which I'm praying so desperately I can work things out with... well he doesn't find me attractive anymore & hasn't for months now from what he says.  This only complicates our current rocky marriage even more.  I cried so hard & for so many hours last night, I couldn't even think straight after awhile.  How in the hell do you even begin to recover a spark that's no longer there?  I'm totally lost.

When we took our vows of marriage, I took them very seriously & have tried my hardest to prove in every way possible that there is no question I will remain by his side throughout my time here on earth, however long that may be.  Hearing him say to my face that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, hasn't for awhile & doesn't want to have any more babies with me until I lose some weight... well I'm not even sure I can put into words exactly how that feels right now.

The truth is, I feel like giving up on our marriage.  I'm hurt, & emotionally & physically drained at this point.  I cried so hard last night that this morning my eyes were swollen almost shut when I woke up.  Putting my contacts in was painful & even a extra coat of make-up couldn't hide the swelling from everyone who saw me.  I quickly blamed it on allergy's & left it at that, but it was hard.  A few hours in to the work day I realized that I wasn't getting anything accomplished & couldn't even begin to concentrate for nothing.  It made me physically sick & I decided I needed to leave & attempt to pull myself together how ever I can.  I've never been one to bring my personal life to work with me, but this time I just couldn't leave it at home.

To top it off, on my drive home from work, my mom called to tell me that Kayla hadn't been acting right all day today & wasn't sure if she wasn't feeling well or what the deal was.  That hit me extremely hard in every way.  When I dropped Kayla off this morning she cried for me at the front door as I was leaving, which has only happened 3 times now.  She normally stands at the front door & when I get to the side walk I turn back & she waves bye to me while laughing or smiling.  Maybe somehow she could read the emotional state I was in this morning, I just don't know.  I hate to even think that could be a possibility.  The last thing I want is for my little love bug to experience the sadness that I'm going through.  She's way to little & that's just not fair to her.

It's very clear to me now why there's no motivation to help out or do more things for or with me, without me having to constantly remind or beg him.  He doesn't find me attractive, so why would he be motivated to be with me at all.  So basically it's like this... apparently I need to fix myself & get skinny to get that spark back & to motivate him to want to make our family a #1 priority, right?  Sounds kinda jacked up doesn't it?

I've been talking about a certain work-out machine since before Christmas time & even hoped that he would have purchased it for me, but it never happened.  Finishing the walls in the den/office so I would have everything fixed up in order to have a nice place to work out, hasn't happened.  I went to a weight doctor & lost about 18 lbs altogether, but that got expensive & it's hard to stay on track with a husband that enjoys bringing home a dozen donuts, cookies or whatever else he picks up at the store, but yet I'm suppose to be on a diet?  All the emotions I went through during pregnancy & then after... well that was really rough for me.  The thought of my body never being the exact same as it was before was so tough for me to cope with for awhile... and just when I started to quit beating myself up so hard every day, I get hit with the hardest blow of all.  If ever his intentions were to hurt me, well he's far succeeded at that by now.

I'm not quite sure how to get past this hurt, because it's deep.  It's affecting every thought in my mind currently & now I've begun beating myself up once again.  I feel like I'm not good enough or maybe he feels there is something else better & hotter out there that's more worth his time than me.

Last night I kept hoping that he would comfort me in some way & make me really believe that he wanted to work on our marriage & get back on the right road again.  There were very few words from him & definitely not a lot of physical comforting.  To me that sent strong signals.  If there is no effort, it will definitely never work.  I could have used his arms around me this morning re-assuring me that we'll get through this, except that didn't happen.  A quick kiss goodbye & I drove off to drop Kayla off, that was it.

What ever happened to unconditional love?  Is it suppose to be one-sided?  If something were to ever happen to him, no matter what it may be... I know without any doubt I would do whatever it took to take care of him to the best of my abilities & love him unconditionally til my last breathe.  Don't I deserve the same in return?  Isn't that what marriage is suppose to be?

I've been asking myself all day... where do I go from here? What do I do now? That's a hard question, in which I have no answer at this point.  I wish I could sit face to face with God & ask him which way I'm suppose to go.  I need some direction.  I need some guidance.

God... please grant me the strength I need to get through this sadness & hurt.

An unexpected goodbye

A dear colleague of mine passed away yesterday unexpectedly during by-pass surgery. The news came as a complete shock. His daughter Pam, my sweet friend is absolutely devestated because this just wasn't suppose to happen. I wish more than anything I could in someway lesson the pain she is experiencing right now.

Why does God decide to take someone away so early in their life?  They are to young to pass & are suppose to have many more years here on earth to share with their family, friends & colleague's.

It's hard to know what to say or do during a tragic loss, especially when all you can think about is how to rewind life for just a few days & go back to the way things were.

I'm at a loss for words right now.  My heart breaks for my sweet friend Pam & her family.  I know how bad I'm hurting inside & I can't imagine what their going through right now.

Mike was such a wonderful guy in so many ways... I'm thankful for the years we worked together & was honored to call him a friend too.

My thoughts & prayers are heavy this evening.  Mike you will be greatly missed & we love you!

Mother's Day

Well yesterday was officially my 2nd real Mother's Day as a mother.  Life as a mother is absolutely the best, most amazing & wonderful experience in my entire life!  Here is my Mother's Day weekend recap...

Friday, we had a little birthday party at work for the boss & everyone got to leave early, which was nice.  My hubby informed me that I was to receive a delivery at work that day, but by the time I was ready to leave the office it hadn't arrived yet.  I called to let him know I hadn't received anything, we hung up so he could call but he ended up not getting an answer.  He then called me back, gave me the phone # and approximately where the place was located & said I should probably just stop by there on my way home & see if I could pick it up instead.  This probably wouldn't have been a big deal, but... I called & called, got no answer, then after driving around trying to find the place I called hubby back to ask if he had a better idea of the location because apparently I'm blind.  So I finally find the place "Edible Arrangements" & pull in.  I walk in & after waiting for a period of time along with other not so happy customers, I'm informed that the driver is out to deliver my Edible Arrangement & that I can come back after 5 to pick it up if I wish.  A little frustrated I leave the store & text hubby to let him know & I receive no response text.

Now let me back up just a tad.  Hubby informed me the Saturday before that he would be leaving this Saturday for Montana... meaning he would miss Mother's Day.  I was a little upset about this to say the least.  Despite that, Friday morning I told him that since I would be getting off work early due to the party at work, I would call & maybe we could go eat somewhere, just the two of us.  Thinking it would be nice to spend a little time together before he left for his road trip to Montana with his father.  So when I called him from work to let him know that I hadn't received any deliveries, I also asked him what time he wanted to eat.  He said he was cleaning the trailer out & would let me know.  I assumed (which I shouldn't have done), that he would finish cleaning the trailer then call to meet up somewhere.  In the meantime, after my experience at Edible Arrangements, I decide to head to Wal-Mart to get a few things & to kill some time while I wait for hubby to call.  After 2 hours go by & I still haven't received any response since the text I sent after leaving Edible Arrangements... I decide to call him.  He says he's just finished eating lunch with his mother... yes... his mother apparently went & got lunch for them.  The time at this point is a little after 4pm.  Lunch... Dinner... wife?  Apparently I got confused somewhere in the past few hours.  After chasing down my own Mother's Day present & still don't have it in hand, hanging out patiently at Wal-Mart for 2 hours ready to get the hell outta there... and in that time frame he eats lunch with his mother & doesn't bother to call his wife.  Hmmm, apparently I'm really confused.

He said that he was thinking we would have an early dinner, as in... later in the day/after 5-6pm apparently?  Basically it gets turned around on me & thats that.  This is typically how the story goes.

Moving on... I leave Wal-Mart, stop by Office Depot for a few quick things I need for the rodeo, then head home.  In the midst of me arriving home & taking care of dogs, he calls, then arrives home as well.  Kayla stayed at my parents house while Fred & I ran to eat dinner together at TGI Fridays finally around 6pm, then I dropped him off at home & went to pick Love Bug up.

I had plans Saturday morning of sleeping in a little bit & let Fred hang out with Kayla... except that didn't happen.  Fred's mother called to tell him that his brother-in-law was on his way to pick him up & head to Chickasha to pick up the truck that was in the shop.  So off they went around 8am & as soon as they left miss Kayla woke up & our day began.  Kayla & I met Fred & his family for lunch then I took Kayla home to put her down for a much needed afternoon nap.  When Fred finally arrived home for the evening it was time for Kayla to go down to sleep.  He did get to spend a few minutes with her before bedtime but that was it.

Their original plans of leaving first thing Saturday morning for Montana was obviously pushed aside due to the truck taking longer in the shop then planned.  Instead, they decided to leave 6am Sunday aka Mother's Day morning to head out.  Blah.  After seeing Fred off, I crawled back in bed & decided to catch as much sleep as I could before Love Bug calls out for me to come get her out of her bed.  She finally woke up & we began our morning snuggling on the couch & her drinking a cup of milk as usual.  I have to admit, these are some of my most favorite moments as a mother.

Approaching 11am, I got Kayla dressed & ready to leave.  My parents drove over & we left & headed to Mustang to my brothers house for lunch.  We a great family afternoon!  The kids enjoyed playing together, it was to cute.  I got to hold & feed my newest great-niece Carly & spend time with my precious Kayla, parents, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, great-nephew Marty & other great-niece Gabrielle.

Despite the fact that my husband wasn't there to share & celebrate Mother's Day with me... I had an absolutely wonderful day with my family.  God gave me the most precious little girl in the entire world & I treasure every moment I have with her.  The best thing in the world is being a mom!

Happy Mother's Day to all my dear friends & family.

One day at a time

One thing I never thought in a million years I would enjoy... is blogging.  The whole reason I started in the first place was because I had read several stories online from other fellow blogger's about how it was a sense of release to write about what ever was on their minds & to let go of what others may think of their writing.  I will admit this was a serious challenge at first & wasn't even sure what to write about for awhile, but as time passed... I started really enjoying & looking forward to blogging about just random things.

Eventually my blog went from private that only a very select few people read... to... public.  The thought still scares me a tad & I still struggle from time to time about what people might think about the things I write about.  However, it has become a release for me.

Whether I blog about something crazy & make people think I've completely lost my marbles or I'm blogging about the struggles I may be currently facing in life... I enjoy every minute.  To me, it's fun.  I just can't explain it.

Moving on to whats on my mind today though...

While there are days that me & hubby seem to be making progress, taking big steps in a positive direction... there are other days that set us back to the bottom all over again.  Sometimes I sit & question, what the solution is or how we can get back on track again & then I start to analyze it in the worst way, tearing everything apart in little pieces trying to find the answer.  The end result is that I end up stressing myself out about something I can't change by myself.

Maybe there isn't an answer, maybe there isn't a solution - hell I just don't know.
What I do know, is that it's completely exhausting some days & there have been more than a few moments that I've wanted to throw my hands in the air, but haven't.

When we were going to counseling regularly I saw a difference in our marriage.  However, until the other day, he had not been since November & the last time we had an appointment in February he had to rush off & wasn't able to attend with me, so I ended up going by myself.  It puts a lump in my throat just thinking about the lack of commitment from him on continuing our counseling.  I feel like I'm at a loss & I'm tired of kindly reminding him to call & make an appointment with Paula.  So last week, I called & made another appointment myself... to visit Paula Tuesday evening.  Problem was, when I told him that I had made the appointment, he quickly informed me that he might not be here & there, so initially counseling was shot down.  No matter what came out of his mouth, all I heard was "I'm not going to counseling Tuesday night".

Then after an extremely disappointing weekend, I had finally had enough of the roll a coaster of emotions & hurt... & I gave him a choice to make.  Either go to counseling & make some serious changes starting NOW or move out & on with your life & without us.  Period.

His priorities are not with us & I'm tired of being put on the back burner when we are suppose to put each other #1.  Instead he always seems to choose not even putting us on his list.  We agreed a long time ago that at least one day out of the weekend would be ours & he would be at home to spend time as a family.  This worked for awhile, but it slowly started to dwindle until finally here we are.

Unfortunately Tuesday evening came & he informed me that he wasn't able to attend counseling, but had called & made himself an appointment to attend by himself the next day.

My first thought was... FORGET IT.  This is ridiculous.  If you know that your marriage is on the brink of ending, wouldn't you go above & beyond to make what ever effort needed to fix it?  Maybe it's just me.  Although I will say that my visit with Paula Tuesday evening was great & afterwards I started to think that maybe it was a good thing that it was just me attending instead of us together this time.  I was able to get everything out that was on my mind & speak without him being there.  Paula made me realize that I'm not crazy & I do not have unrealistic expectations of our marriage & of him.  He needs to either step up to the plate or completely step off.

The main issues he has are trying to find the dividing line between parents, work & family.  For him there are no lines & this is a constant problem for our marriage.  If we have plans to do something & his parents call & ask him to do something different... I'm the one who gets pushed to the side & he jumps up & runs to do whatever it is they ask.  Instead of him standing up & saying that he's already made plans or arrangements for the day, he automatically gives in & cancels our plans.  There's always an excuse to go along with why we were pushed to the back burner, but it's just a broken record that I'm tired of hearing.

According to him, his chat with Paula Wednesday went well & I would like to believe he now realizes the true depth of how things currently are between us.  I say this lightly because I'm so use to the routine of things falling back into a ditch again.  This time is strongly different though.  There will be no other chances here, I just can't take it anymore & that's just how it is.

So I guess all I can do is hope & pray our marriage becomes stronger & that from this point forward he puts our family first above anything else.

Carly Faye

I'm officially a great-aunt once again!  Here is our newest beautiful addition... Carly Faye.  She was born early this morning & weighed 6lbs 11oz.  Of course I could hardly wait to get off work so I could rush to see her.

My niece Rachel is doing great, a few complications right after her c-section, but she's doing just fine now.

I got to hold Carly almost the whole time I was there & got to feed her too.  It's amazing how little she is & now I can't even remember when Kayla was that little.  Those moments are so precious & go by way to quickly in my opinion.

I can't wait to take Kayla to meet her new little cousin, but I think we'll wait until Rachel & little miss Carly get home from the hospital & get settled in a little first.  I'm anxious to see how Kayla will react.  Carly's big sister Katie isn't quite sure what to think of her new little sister just yet but... she'll have plenty of time to adjust, no doubt.  It was cute to see Katie glance at her, pat her a few times then she was ready to go back to playing with her books & on to something else.

Isn't amazing how little babies just warm your heart.  Welcome to the family Carly Faye, we love you!

Hey diddle diddle

Well here it is, the famous finished mural I painted on Kayla's bedroom wall awhile back.  I have to say that I am very proud of my work.  Even though all I did was print off images, cut my own stencil out with a knife & then simply trace & paint them on the wall... I think it turned out very cute!

Heck, I may even paint more things on the walls in our house now, who knows.  LOL

I'm so happy... we finally re-did Kayla's closet this weekend too!  I stayed up way beyond my bedtime Thursday to paint not one but FOUR coats of bright white paint in the closet.  Since there isn't any lights in there, I figured I would go with something a little bright that way it might be a little easier to see everything.  Friday after I got off work, Fred met me at Lowe's & we purchased the shelving to install, then immediately went home & started to work on it.  It didn't take long at all & bam... a new wonderful closet emerged.  After I get everything organized like I want, I will take pics & post.  I'm definitely doing the guest bedroom closet exactly the same as soon as I get everything unpacked out of it someday.

I absolutely love organization!  I'm kinda weird like that I guess, but oh well.
Things always seem to move a little smoother if everything is organized, don't ya think?

New wedding band

As I said before, over a month ago Fred lost his wedding ring somewhere in a pasture, so I bought him a new one a few weeks ago.

Well it finally came in & I picked it up earlier this week.  It's nice!  I guess I didn't pay that close attention to it when we bought it.  Hopefully he doesn't lose this one.

13-14-15 months

So here is a recap of the past few months... I'm so far behind.

At the beginning of January we finally had family pictures taken & they turned out really good!  January 23rd is hubby's birthday, so I made him a chocolate cake & attempted the best decorating job that I knew how, then we went over to his parent's house to celebrate.

In the time frame since I last blogged, Kayla started walking & is now successfully moving at a high rate of speed these days.  She has 7 teeth & working on more.  She's also saying more words now too.  Simply amazing isn't it?

Kayla is full of life & full of everything these days.  She eats pretty much about anything you give her, so far I haven't really found anything she doesn't like.  Apparently I was an extremely picky eater when I was little, so I've been crossing my fingers she wouldn't take after me.  She's not a morning person, AT ALL!  She likes to wake up in her own sweet time frame & definitely isn't happy if she's forced to get out of bed before she's ready to.  That's when a little attitude comes peeping out of her.

For whatever reason, I got this bright idea awhile back that I wanted to paint hey diddle diddle on the wall above her bed.  I guess I became brave after succeeding at the silhouette I painted a few months ago.  I have to admit, the idea in my head was great but once I actually started on it, I was starting to doubt myself.  I am happy to say that it turned out so cute though & I was actually impressed.  Of course, I stenciled everything on the wall & basically painted in the lines... how hard can that be.  Anyways, her room is slowly but surely coming together.  Considering she's 15 months old now, I should have had her bedroom done a long time ago, but hey... I'm working on it.  By the time I actually finish she'll be able to tell me that she wants something else I'm sure.  Next project is her closet.  I'm going to install new shelving in the next week or so & I'm very excited about that.  I have a vision for it, now I just have to make it happen!

Watching Kayla grow every day is absolutely the best thing in the entire world to me.  Her bubbly personality totally makes the sun shine bright.  I'm head over heels addicted to her laugh too.  I just can't help it.  I simply can't imagine my life before she was in it or what I would ever do without her.

I think my favorite mommy time is in the evenings before bedtime... when she's snuggled in my lap with her cup of milk, watching tv with me right before it's time to pass out, then I get to carry her off to bed & get those sweet hugs n kisses goodnight.  Those are moments I treasure every day & thank the Lord that he gave me this sweet angel.

Date Night Surprise

Well last Saturday night, we finally had another date night, woohoo!  My mother-n-law came over around 8pm to watch Kayla so we could actually go out for once.  We ended up running to the mall for some quick errands... one being that I needed some new bras & hadn't had a chance to go get any.  That was a quick trip though.  I hate shopping, so we were in & out of the store in a flash.  Then we headed to Kay Jewelers where we found him a new wedding ring, since he lost his a few weeks ago in the middle of a pasture somewhere.  After that, we ended up at Longhorn Steakhouse to eat some dinner.  We had a really nice dinner & I even drank a beer!  Man that beer tasted good too, it's been a long time since I had one.  After dinner, we headed home.

The fact that Fred came up with the idea for us to go out, all on his own... well that meant a lot to me.  I was starting to wonder when or if he would ever get the notion to.  After all, we hadn't had a real date night since November & well... to me that seems like forever ago.

As much as I love spending every moment I possibly can with my precious little girl... sometimes I need a little adult one-on-one time as well.  So when the opportunity arises, I take advantage of it.

I love you honey & thank you for planning a date night!

Week 16-26

Week 16 thru 26 came & went... here we are week 27. I finally met with Paula last Wednesday. Fred was scheduled to come with me, but he unexpectedly had to make a trip to Clinton to rescue his brother with a broken trailer instead. I decided to keep the appointment with Paula for myself anyways.

Our visit was great as it always has been in the past.  She asked a lot of questions, trying to get caught up on everything the past few months & we just sat & talked.  It felt good to get some things off my chest & to talk about positive things that have happened since the last time I saw her.

Everything is a work in progress for us.  Each day is a new day.  I'm trying to stay as positive as I can for the sake of my sanity & in hopes to keep a bright spirit to set an example for my family.  I do believe that a happy, bright spirit in a person can bring light to others around them, so that's my goal.  Even though I don't succeed at this every day, I sure do try.

I'm very happy to report that my wonderful husband has been great about coming home earlier each day during the week to spend time with us in the evening.  That's been a huge change from before.  I think he started to realize how much he misses with Kayla not seeing her as often & not to mention the time that he & I get to spend together in the evenings is nice as well.  He's also helped with a few small projects around the house which is awesome, some of which I didn't even have to remind him of.

Valentine's Day...
My hubby made me a homemade steak dinner, with salad & corn!  Yum!  Yum!  He bought me the sweetest card & the "Breaking Dawn" movie.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better Valentine's Day this year.  It was truly awesome!  I love you honey.

Even though we still have a lot of challenges ahead, we've most definitely have made some huge strides.

I know this is short & sweet... but for now, that's all I have time for.  More updates to come.

13 months already

Little Love Bug officially turned 1 year old December 9th!  We had a birthday party for her Sunday, December 11th & it went great.  I wasn't quite sure how she would do with so many people in the house, but she handled it perfectly.  When it was time for everyone to sing happy birthday to her & time for her to dig in to her cupcake... well she wasn't to thrilled about it, but by the time we got to that point, she was exhausted & ready for a nap.  The party lasted from 1pm-3pm, which was just the right amount of time.

Kayla got lots of wonderful things, but most of all... time spent with family & friends.  She got some much needed PJ's, clothes, OSU blanket, Sesame Street Dr. Kit, School Bus, Big Bird Ring Stacking Thing, the Elephant Ball Popper & lots of wonderful cards.  I'm probably missing a few things, but let's just say... she had a very blessed birthday!  As soon as the house was clear of birthday guests, it didn't take Kayla long to pass smooth out!
Her birthday cake & cupcakes that we stayed up until 3am making the night before... turned out great!  Fred did all of the frosting on the cake & cupcakes & I wrote with the pink icing on the top of her cake & did the sprinkles for the cupcakes.  Together we made a great team.  Despite not getting near enough sleep.  We should have started the cake & cupcake making project hours before... lesson learned for next time.

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, so I'm going to attempt to catch everything up between then & now.

Then just two short weeks after Kayla's birthday... well it's Christmas!  Since I didn't get her pictures made with Santa Claus last year, I was determined to get it done this year.  Of course last year, she was only a few weeks old & I didn't feel it was necessary to drag her out in the freezing cold weather to have a pic made.  Anyways... we went to Bass Pro & the Santa was great.  Totally believable if you ask me.  The line wasn't long at all, so we didn't have to wait a long time.  I hate waiting in long lines.  I dreaded the thought of even going because of waiting in line, but I had my fingers crossed before we got there & luckily for us, the line was short!  Kayla wasn't quite sure what to think about the whole ordeal though.  She had absolutely no expression on her face & sat there stiff the whole time.  None the less, the pic turned out cute & I was very happy.  I had this fear that she might scream & cry the moment I sat her on Santa's lap, but the exact opposite happened.

We ended up having Christmas with my family the Sunday before Christmas.  The way everyone schedules were, that was the best we could work out, which I thought went great considering it was such short notice.  We had KFC & pizza for lunch, opened presents & just spent time together.  It was such a nice day.  Kayla was worn out & ended up passing out before everyone left.  When she's tired... she's done & that's that usually.  My brother & sister-n-law bought Kayla a Mickey Mouse Pillow Pet, which are very popular right now & my cousin Sherri bought her a Minnie Mouse... she's in absolute heaven with them!  It's so cute to watch her roll & lay on Mickey Mouse.  She sometimes falls down on top of him & just lays there.  If you ask her, "Where is Mickey Mouse?"  She immediately speed crawls over & hugs & lays on him.  So precious!  That's my sweet little love bug!  Christmas Eve, Fred & I ended up opening all the presents that we had under the tree so that Christmas morning would be focused on Kayla.  Fred got me a video camera, hurray, hurray!  I was so excited I could hardly stand it.  I've been wanting one for some time now & I finally got one.  The best part was that I was able to record Christmas morning with just the three of us & Kayla opening her presents.  Now I will be able to capture all the moments that I want her to be able to look back on for years to come.  Christmas Day we went to Fred's parents house, which is our usual routine.  Kayla was a little fussy & wanted me to hold her a lot for some reason, but that's ok.  She got books & some little farm animals with wheels to play with.  Then last Saturday, New Years Eve... we drove to Sulphur for my mother-n-law's side of the family Christmas get together.  Kayla got a cute little piano.  Again she was a little fussy & wanted me to hold her a lot.  Kayla & I ended up driving home by ourselves & Fred stayed to drive his parents home because his dad wasn't feeling well.

Christmas was very busy for us this year, but all in all... we all had a wonderful Christmas.

It was hard to see the year come & go as fast as it did.  Kayla is starting to take more steps on her own each day & everything seems to be changing so fast any more.  My brother & sister-n-law got her a little mini play kitchen for Christmas & I enjoy every minute of sitting in the floor playing kitchen with her in the evenings.  She seems to learn & catch on so fast.

All three of us are going to get our pictures made (today) Saturday.  I told myself months ago that I wouldn't take any pictures until I lost weight, but then my BFF reminded me that this are moments that I can't go back & re-do later on.  And she's absolutely right about that.  So now I'm excited about getting pictures made!  My brother & sister-n-law bought us a picture frame for Christmas that I would love to hang in the living room & Fred mentioned the other day that we should fill it with our family pics that we will be taking, so that's the plan!

Whew... I think that is enough catching up for now.  Hopefully I will find more time over the weekend to blog some more.  But for now... goodnight.