Living with the Passive Agressive Man

I've been reading the book, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  I will admit... parts of this book feel like they wrote it based on Fred.
I was really starting to doubt myself & wonder if maybe I'm asking to much sometimes... maybe I'm pushy... maybe I'm bitchy... maybe all my complaints are truly ridiculous & I'm the one who needs to lighten up.  After I started reading this book, a bright light bulb shined in my face & said, "you aren't really a bitch after all".  Although reading a book doesn't exactly "fix" anything in my marriage, it does help me to feel better & not beat myself up so much about everything.

So far this book is truly amazing to me.  I never would have thought that anyone else would have understood exactly what I'm dealing with or going through, but as it turns out, I'm not alone!

Unfortunately I have an example from today.

Last night before we hung up the phone, he said he would call me this morning around 8-9am.

When I woke up this morning & Kayla got up & around... I noticed low & behold she had TWO teeth that came through.  How exciting right?  Well to me it was very exciting & I couldn't wait for Fred to call so I could tell him about her teeth finally coming through!

8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, 12pm... then 12:30pm rolls around... nothing.  In the meantime I had called at varies times & hadn't gotten any answer until he finally picked up at 12:30.

What are you doing?
Um... waiting for you to call...
Oh, just got cows off the neighbors property.
Um... you said you would call around 8-9ish this morning, but I hadn't heard from you.  I called several times & sent you a text earlier.
(yelling) Well I was getting cows off the neighbors property, so get over it!
Click... I hung up.

Seriously?  Anytime I call him out on anything, he has an immediate excuse in return.

So I sent him a text about an hour later letting him know that I was awaiting his phone call this morning to tell him the exciting news about Kayla's 2 teeth & that by acting the way he did, he's missing out on these things.  He did text me back & said he shouldn't have yelled at me & thanked me for letting him know about Kayla.

Originally he told me that he would be coming in around 3-4ish today.  He waited until 6pm to send me a text & let me know that he wouldn't be in until tomorrow.

I sent him a text back saying, "you said you would be here around 3-4ish today, then you wait until 6pm to text me you're not coming in until tomorrow.  Do you see where I'm coming from?  It's called communication."

His response:  Yes, I tried to send that earlier it did not go through.
My interpretation:  ANOTHER EXCUSE

Where do I draw the line?  We are going through counseling with Paula & just when I think we might be making some progress, we take 100 steps backwards & we're in the same mud hole again.

Maybe if he moves out he will be more motivated to make some changes.  Maybe just maybe he will realize he doesn't want to lose his family & then step up to the plate & do what ever it takes.

The honest truth is, I just don't know anymore.  I just simply don't know.
On one hand, I'm not willing to give up just yet, but on the other hand, I want to give up.

I just want to be able to comfortably breathe again.  I think I deserve at least that.

Dear God, please give me the strength I need right now.

OSU Tragedy

So sad... once again tragedy strikes OSU.  I first heard the news on the radio this morning.

Friday, November 18, 2011, Oklahoma State University women’s basketball coach Kurt Budke and assistant women’s basketball coach Miranda Serna were killed along with two others Thursday night in a plane crash in Perry County, Arkansas.

Now let's take a step back a few years...

On Jan. 27, 2001, three airplanes carrying nearly three dozen members of Oklahoma State's basketball program left Jefferson County Airport near Boulder, Colorado, on a snowy Saturday night bound for Stillwater.
One of the planes, a twin-engine Beech King Air 200, crashed on a snowy hillside near Denver. There were no survivors.  Ten men, ten lives. Gone in an instant.

Kendall Durfey, 38, was a radio engineer for the Cowboy Network. Bjorn Fahlstrom, 30, sat in the co-pilot's seat. Nate Fleming, 20, was a freshman guard. Will Hancock, 31, was the media relations coordinator. Daniel Lawson, 21, was a junior guard. Brian Luinstra, 29, was a trainer. Denver Mills, 55, was the pilot. Pat Noyes, 27, was the director of basketball operations. Bill Teegins, 48, was the play-by-play voice of the Cowboys. Jared Weiberg, 22, was a student manager.

When tragedy strikes... it makes you take a step back & think about how short life can be.  Nobody knows when their last day will arrive.  All those who passed were still young.  Most were younger than I am.  It definitely puts a lump in my throat thinking about it.

To top it off OSU lost their game tonight.  Boo.  Winning might have brought a little sunshine to a gloomy day for them.  That just sucks.

Well I hope everyone says a prayer tonight for all the families of those lost in the plane crash.  So very sad.

OSU fan in the making

Well here is our OSU fan in the making!  She is sporting an OSU hoodie that was handed down to her from her cousins.  Very cute, huh!

To go along with the awesome OSU hoodie... well there is that precious heart melting smile of hers!

We still haven't seen any teeth poke through yet.  I'm also still patiently waiting to here "mama" come out of her mouth.

Her birthday is coming up quickly & I'm not even remotely prepared.  I'm thinking she needs a zebra theme, but I haven't made up my mind just yet.  My plan is to make a cake for the adults & cupcakes for the kids.  That way Kayla can have a cupcake to distroy instead of a chunk of cake.  We don't plan on having a big shin-dig or anything.  Just immediate family & a few friends.

I am looking forward to the future when she wants to have girl sleep overs & girly birthday parties though.  I'm sure that will be fun but possibly exhausting for me, ha ha.

Everyone keeps saying we need to cut her hair because it's grown so long in the back & looks funny... well... I'm not cutting it because I don't want to & that's what I have to say about that!  Even though she has some what of a mullet going on... personally I think it's cute & when the time is right, then we will cut it.  Until then, it's perfect the way that it is!

The one thing I am dreading that is coming up... is her one year shots.  Ugh.  She's done so well the past two times, I hope this time is just as good.

Week 12

Fred had his one-on-one appointment with Paula today.  When I asked him about it, he didn't really discuss any details.  However, he did tell me that they talked about his wreck mostly & I know that's a very emotional part of his past that is VERY hard for him to talk about with anyone.

I'm glad that he was able to discuss his emotions with Paula & hopefully it helped him.

He is suppose to call Paula & set an appointment for next week.  I'm not sure if it is going to be another one-on-one or if she wants to see both of us just yet.  I guess we'll find out when he calls.

Conner is officially 1

Well it's official... tomorrow my sweet little grandbaby Conner is 1 year old now.  How is this even possible?

I think the funniest thing is that Kayla was suppose to be born before him & everything turned out the opposite & Conner decided to show up early.  Thankfully though, he was healthy & absolutely perfect.  He ended up staying a few nights in the hospital, but of course we were all just very thankful for his healthy arrival.

I know it might seem a little weird that I call him my grandbaby even though he's not technically flesh & blood to me, but hey... I love him just like he might as well be.  In my opinion that's all that matters.

Rach had his birthday party on Sunday, so Kayla & I headed to the big town of Orlando for the party.  Fred didn't end up going with me.  He was suppose to head out to Carter with a load of hay.  There was a ton of people there.  Conner got so many presents he got tired of opening them, ha ha.  I guess you can say, he's very loved... that's for sure!  I'm crossing my fingers that Kayla doesn't end up with near that many.  She's only turning 1 - she doesn't need that much, right?

I didn't get to really spend any time with Conner, because there was so many people there & so much was going on it was overwhelming for him I'm sure.  He got a little cranky after awhile but once he got into the cake he was happy & content again.  I know for a little one... it must be hard to open a present & not be able to just concentrate on playing with that one for awhile before having to move onto opening another one.  I can see the frustration there.  I would have to say overall though, he did great with everything!

I was hoping to get a few pics of him & Kayla together, but unfortunately I didn't.  Hopefully at Kayla's upcoming birthday party I can get some though.  I think that would be too cute.

I'm so proud of Rach.  She's done so well in her life & that just makes me so happy.  Especially to watch her with Conner, it's cute.  She informed me the other day that if all goes well, she will finally be graduating college in December... woohoo!  The funny part is that she won't find out how she did on her finals until after she walks across the stage, but hey I think if she gets to walk across the stage then that should be a for sure graduation, don't ya think?

People who don't know our situation, well it's sometimes hard to explain to them.  I typically get a funny look of confusion, but that doesn't bother me.  The fact is, that Rach & I have a strong bond & I truly believe it will always be that way.  We've gone through some difficult times together & always came out better on the other side.  I made a promise to her many many years ago that no matter what I would always be a part of her life & that was a promise that I planned on keeping.  Rach means the world to me & I love her as if she is my very own.

I believe that even though sometimes we may not understand the way our lives twist & turn, there is always a reason for the road in which we end up taking.  Sometimes it's a bumpy one, no doubt.  I have to say though... it's always worked out for the better.

Happy birthday to my sweet Conner - nana loves you!

Date Night

A long time coming now... Fred & I finally had a date night Saturday night.  My mother-n-law came over to our house to watch Kayla.  She got here about 7:30pm & then we headed out.  Our original plan was to catch a movie & eat somewhere.  Unfortunately the next show times were around 10pm or so.  With that, we decided to head to Bed Bath & Beyond to do a little shopping with the gift cards we still had left from our wedding... yeah from over a year ago.  Sad, I know.

I'm extremely happy to announce that I became the proud new owner of a KichenAid Artisan Mixer!  Oh, isn't it just beautiful... I love it!  So I've been wanting one of these for like EVER now & the broke down hand held mixer I've had for 100 years kicked the bucket many years ago.

We looked the store over before we made our decision.  There are several things I would like to have from there, but this mixer is better than anything else in my opinion.

I'm not a professional cake baker by any means, but I do like to cook & bake though.

After we left Bed Bath & Beyond, we stopped at Walgreen's to pick up my medication, which I thought was going to be a quick stop, boy was I wrong.  They had the prescription wrong & I ended up having to wait for them to correct it... in the meantime a whole slew of people decided to come to the pharmacy, so the line went from being just me to like 8 more people.  Needless to say, we were in Walgreen's longer than what we had planned on.

Since we hadn't eaten at Applebees in awhile we decided to go there for dinner.  We walked in the door & low & behold they were having karaoke night... since when did Applebees start doing this?  Good grief it was loud in there.  I was close to turning around & walking back out the door to go somewhere else, but I figured what the heck we're already here, maybe it won't be that bad.  We sat down & ordered our drinks & food.  I was in the mood for chicken fried chicken, steamed veggies w/mash potato's & gravy - oh yum!  When our food came, my mash potato's were hiding under my chicken fried chicken & there was no gravy, ugh not cool.  I requested gravy for my mash potato's & the waitress informs me that it will cost extra for that.  Who doesn't like gravy with their mash potato's, geez.  Fred quickly told her he didn't care if there was a charge, just to bring it anyways.  The time span between the waitress leaving the table to put the order in for my extra gravy & the time it actually arrived... well lets just say Fred was completely done eating & I had finished my veggies & half of the chicken fried chicken.  What a crock.  I was not happy with this experience.  The wait staff & manager seemed to busy trying to karaoke instead of wait on their customers.  I think I will wait awhile before going back there to eat again.

After leaving Applebees we decided to run by Wal-Mart to grab a few things we needed before heading home.  Wow... the most interesting people show up at Wal-Mart late at night.  As I was looking at little girl clothes, two young guys approached me & started pointing & singing to me.  Yes, you heard that right... just randomly started singing to me.  Then they laughed & said "did we embarrass you", my response was, "no I think you're embarrassing yourself more than anything".  They quickly walked off, arms around each other, skipping & singing away.  Odd, huh.  Wait it gets better.  So then I walk off to find Fred & ask him if he heard the singing, he said he heard it but wasn't sure what the heck it was.  Ha Ha

While walking through the dairy isle to grab some yogurt, I passed a guy that had the tattoo "Jesus Freak" in HUGE letters down his arm.  Then a guy wearing skin tight purple jeans had on so much colonge that I think he was determined to kill me... well he seemed to end up on every isle we were.
This is just a touch of our date night evening Saturday night.  Crazy huh.  Even though it was definitely an interesting evening... we still had fun.  It's always nice to get out & do something once & awhile.

Now I just hope it happens again in the near future without me having to ask or beg for it.

Week 11

So after showing up at the wrong Barnes & Noble last Sunday night to pick up the book I reserved... I finally ended up at the right one on Monday during my lunch break.  Guess I should've verified more specific directions instead of ,"is this the store on May Ave", not realizing there were two stores on May Ave, the difference being they are about 10 miles apart.  Ugh.
This is just how my luck runs most of the time though, so I'm use to it by now.  No worries.

So far the book is great!  I've been trying to read a little every night when I crawl into bed.  I do wish that Fred & I could read the book together, but instead I will look on the bright side & say that at least he's willing to read the book in the first place, right.

Last weekend, we had a good time together. His parents went out of state for a wedding & were gone the entire weekend. It was nice to not hear his phone ring off & on all the time. The best part of all, was that he was actually home with us. Saturday we went to Mathis Brothers & one other place in search of a new mattress. We ended up not buying anything, but I'm praying that it won't be to long before we make that purchase. I'm not sure how much longer my back is gonna hold up on the hard brick we've been sleeping on the past few months. Let's just say, getting up in the mornings, I feel like I should be in my 90's instead of my 30's. Every single muscle & bone hurts in my body, almost like I got into a fight during my sleep. Ugh. Not a healthy feeling at all.

Some days I feel like we take a few steps forward, but then other days I feel like we are stumbling in reverse at a high rate of speed.  More so in reverse here lately though.

Just when I think I see a small shimmer of light in the far distance... the light goes back out again.  I don't understand.  I'm worn smooth out.  I'm exhausted & just flat tired.  I feel like I'm at a loss & don't have a clue what to do anymore.  I can't make things right all by myself... it takes TWO people to make a marriage successful, not ONE.  If I thought for a minute that my actions were costing me my marriage, I would do what ever it took to change & fix those things to make it right again.  Unfortunately those are my thoughts & feelings & I can't force someone else to feel the same.  They have to want it, before it can happen.

This week neither of us saw Paula, although Fred did finally make his one-on-one appointment with her for next Wednesday.  I probably won't hear many details on how that goes, I guess we will see when that time gets here.

What a roll-a-coaster life is sometimes huh!  Some days I wish I could crawl back into bed & start the day over.  Heck, I wish I could erase a few months back & start over sometimes.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

Dear God, I need more strength.  Please.

Forgiveness

In my random online reading awhile back, I read about forgiveness & the myths about it.  I thought it was really enlightning so I thought I would share.

3 Myths About Forgiveness

1.  Forgiveness means you condone the behavior of the person.
2.  Forgiveness means you have to maintain a relationship with the person.
3.  Forgiveness means that you forget about the incident.

All of these are absolutely untrue!

Forgiveness is releasing your own pain and anger over the past.  It's a choice to live in the present.  It's choosing to let go of whom was right or wrong.  Forgiveness gives you the freedom to live your life and not allowing someone else to control it.  If you are holding on to the anger and hurt you are allowing the person to continously hurt you over and over again.

Be grateful... for all the valuable lessons you have learned from the situation.

Remember to forgive yourself.  Don’t beat yourself up mentally for things you might have said or did or for things you wish you would have said or did.  Clear out your mind and learn to love and accept yourself just as you are.  Meditation is great way to get in tune with your inner self.  Forgiving yourself empowers you to create the changes you want in your life by accepting full responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Forgiveness is not a “one time fix”.  Often times you will need to forgive the person all over again each time you think of the situation.  In time the anger and bitterness will be a thing of the past and you can look at the situation with a peaceful heart and truly wish those that hurt you well.

When you fail to forgive, you are actually turning your back on your back on a better future. You do not want to create a future for yourself that is full of anger, hatred and resentment. FORGIVE – Keep your head up and your heart open as you walk forward in your life, creating a future that will lead to love, health and happiness!

Seriously... this makes total sense right?  Seems so simple but yet so deep.  I've never thought of forgiveness, in this way before.

Guess the more we read, the more we learn, huh!
Dang I feel really smart right now.  Ha Ha

Earthquake

Seriously, can the earth quakes please cease.  We are in Oklahoma for the love of God.

Around 10:55pm, I'm sitting at home on my computer trying to work & the ground beneath me starts shaking like no one's business.  My first thought was... "what the heck is that".  Then I immediately went to thinking... "surely it's not a....".  Yep... it's an earthquake.

Here in Oklahoma we are prepared for tornado's.  We spend lots of money installing cement holes in the ground to crawl in to when the time is upon us.

Earthquakes on the other hand... what the hell do you do when that hits ya?  You can't crawl into your cement hole, cause well that would just be stupid.

The 4.7 magnitude earthquake that hit 6 miles north of Prague at 2:12am this morning... well I have to admit I didn't feel that one at all.  Apparently we slept right through it, which is perfectly fine with me.

Here's the headlines on the internet now... 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes Oklahoma.
The quake hit at 10:53pm.  The quake was reportedly felt as far north as Grove, Oklahoma & as far south as north Texas.

So first we have a 4.7 which are followed by "aftershocks" throughout the day today & now here we are having a 5.6 tonight!  That's a little scary if you ask me.  Completely un-settling in every way possible.

October 13, 2010 - was the last earthquake I felt.  I had just sat down in my office at work when it happened.  It shook the entire building.  I was pregnant at the time so for a split second I thought I was literally losing my mind or having a nervous breakdown.  So I was relieved when everyone in the hallway started talking about how it was an earthquake.  That earthquake was a 5.1 magnitude.

Why is this happening?  It's scary.

I guess I need to start reading up on what to do when an earthquake happens, if we should have another one in the future.  Ugh.

Week 10 continued

Well we met with Paula yesterday.  It was extremely emotionally for both of us.

Sometimes I think it's easier to have a third-party involved to help both of us understand each other's point of view & to get our feelings across to each other better.  She has a way about her, that's very loving, caring, but yet pulls apart everything to allow us to see the light, so-to-say.  All in all, I really felt like we made some progress yesterday.

I know by the blog I wrote the other day... things seemed pretty bleak, but like I've said before, I write how I feel in the moment & that's just how it is.  People can judge me if they want, because it honestly doesn't affect me.

Some days are good & some days aren't so good for us.  We both have a lot of work to do in order for our marriage to succeed & I feel like we're both very aware of that.

Paula gave us a book to read.  It's called, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  Basically from what she described yesterday, I think this hits the nail on the head.

The cover of the book reads... "Does he tell you he'll meet you at 7:30 and then show up an hour late?"  "Does he tell you he's angry but won't tell you why?"  Wow... I can't wait to read this book.  Fred already started reading it last night, so I decided that since we are apparently not going to read this one together... I will go buy my own, so I don't have to wait until he's finished before I can start on it.  I already called Barnes & Noble & they have it waiting for me at the front desk so I can stop by & pick it up tomorrow.

Paula suggested that Fred come by himself next time, so they can chat about a few things from his past that he really needs to be able to let go of, cope with & put behind him.  I couldn't agree more.  I love my husband more than anything & even though I know this is going to be a muddy road to walk down... I'm absolutely willing to do it, as long as he's willing to put forth the extremely hard effort it will take on his part.

I know that Paula could feel the desperate state that we're currently in.  I have faith that she will be able to lead us back to a better place with each other & on the road to building a strong foundation for our family.

Even though we've only been married a little over a year now & we are already going through some difficult times... I'm trying to look at this all in a positive way.  I'm glad that we are experiencing these things now in the beginning of our marriage, because I think this will not only bring us closer together, but I really think the bond between us could be truly amazing.  I have hope & I have faith in this.

I realized yesterday, that I'm just not willing to give up yet.  I'm not willing to throw in the towel on our marriage, despite what I say in my moments of frustration.  Although, I do know that I have to draw the line somewhere & if Fred decides to not step up to the plate & show he's willing to do what ever it takes then... well unfortunately I will have to draw the line & make that tough decision to go our seperate ways.  I strongly hope it doesn't come to that though.

Dear God, please give us the strength to over come these tough times & see us through to the better side.  Amen.

Week 10

Well here we are... week 10.  Fred finally made an appointment for us to see Paula this upcoming Friday.  I was starting to wonder if we were ever going back.

Last Sunday, was another difficult day for us.  After he had been gone most of the week, he promised that we would do a little shopping together Sunday & spend some family time together.  He said he needed to go feed & move some calves first, so I pushed him out the door right after Kayla had her breakfast, in hopes he would return by noon like he said he would.  I figured the earlier he got out the door, the more likely he would actually return by noon time.

2:30pm rolled around & he finally called, but only to ask if we wanted to go to lunch with his parents.  He said that he really wanted his parents to see Kayla & acted a little pissy with me, but Kayla had just fallen asleep for her afternoon nap about 10 minutes before he called.  I wasn't about to wake her up when I had been fighting with her to take a nap for almost an hour, ugh.  I told him that if he wanted to go eat with his parents, then go ahead.  He said, no & that he was fixing to head home.  So I waited...

4:30pm rolls around... I'm quite pissed off by this point.  So I call.  And call.  And call.  Finally he calls me back to say that he's been working doing whatever & that he had decided to meet his dad at the clinic to help treat a dog & was fixing to head that way to do that.

What happened to getting home at noon to spend time with the family?  Going shopping?  Apparently I missed something somewhere.  Seems like this happens quite often.  Needless to say I was fairly short with him on the phone.

I then load Kayla up & we head to Target to do some much needed shopping.

5:30pm rolls around.  He sends me a text & says that if I want to come pick him up at the clinic he will go shopping with us... Really?  Seriously?  I replied & let him know we had been at Target for awhile & left it at that.

After we checked out at Target, loaded everything in the truck to head home... Kayla decided to have a potty disaster.  Yeah... and guess who somehow forgot to pack wipes?  I had a plan of stopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond after Target, but that was out of the question now.  The new plan of action was to head home & clean little miss Love Bug up.

To make a long story short... he was then suppose to arrive home at 7:30pm, but called yet AGAIN & ended up not showing up until somewhere between 8:30-9:00.

Why me?

One of our big issues is the fact that he always puts Kayla & I last on the list & sometimes I question whether we're even on his list.  We've been discussing this in counseling, on more than one occasion & I really thought he understood or was trying to understand where I'm coming from.  Your marriage & family are suppose to be #1 no matter what.  If you & your spouse don't have a healthy relationship/marriage, then everything downfalls from there.

I refuse for my daughter to grow up being disappointed because daddy couldn't make it home in time to take us somewhere & all because he had to work on something that could have easily waited until the next day.  Broken promises, I won't have it.

The problem is that my hubby can't say no to his dad... when his dad asks him to do something even if he has commited himself to coming home by noon, for what ever reasons, he won't stand up & tell him that he has made plans to spend time with his family & the task can wait until tomorrow or another day.  The way I see it, is that he has absolutely no voice with him.  I know it's gotta be hard for him to say something when it's family he works with & for... but then again, when is it our turn?  When does my hubby stand up for our family?  So far, it hasn't happened yet.  This saddens me in more ways than one.  I hate the fact that my husband is seemingly scared of his father & doesn't have enough courage to stand up to him even when it's standing up for his own family (me & Kayla).

There is no question in my mind, that if my job was jeopardizing my marriage or family in any way... I would find a different job, period.  My family is more important to me than anything else & I will always put them #1.  I just wish my husband felt the same way.  I know it's harder for him, because he works for family & this is all he's known & all he's worked his entire life, but where do you draw the line?

We have a lot of obstacles to over come (putting it lightly) & to be brutally honest, right now I'm not real sure we are going to over come them.  I feel like I've been pushed to the edge so many times, that I'm just exhausted & numb from all of it.  I'm tired of fighting for my marriage by myself.  I'm tired of being disappointed & hurt.  I'm just flat tired.

I know life is not a big scoop of yummy ice cream all the time.
I know this & I don't expect it to be.  The problem is that it takes two people to make a successful marriage & lately I don't feel like both of us are working equally as hard.

By the time Fred got home Sunday evening... I was drained.  Mentally & physically drained from the day.  Once again, I waited around for him to arrive... first by noon, then by 3pm... then again by 6pm, then again by 7:30pm.  So when he finally rolled in at almost 9pm... yeah... I was done.  Ready to throw in the towel.  Ready to say, pack your bags & move back in with your parents because that's where you spend most of your time anyways.  Seriously.

So unfortunately, that was a horrible start for the week.

I wish I could snap my fingers & everything get better & we get back to a happier place again... but it doesn't work that way.

I'm not sure what the rest of the week will bring yet.  I'm looking forward to seeing Paula on Friday.  I'm a little lost & ready to scream at this point & I need some sound advice.