Easter Bunny

Easter Day was great!  Kayla was so excited that the day was finally there... all she cared about was that the kids (2 nieces & nephew) were coming over and they were going to hunt Easter eggs.

We had everyone over to our house for lunch and the afternoon and I know the kids had a blast playing and hunting eggs.  Needless to say, by 3pm... I was exhausted though.

I picked Fred up from the airport the night before so it was a nice surprise for her to wake up and daddy was home.  I could tell that he was happy he made the decision to come home and be with us for Easter Day.

I was determined after everything... everyone was going to have a great Easter this year!  I do believe we were successful at that.

Our next appointment with Paula is this Thursday evening.  So I'm hoping we can really get on the road to recovery and start with one foot in front of us in a positive direction from here on.  There's a lot of work to be done in our marriage and in our family for sure.  I just hope that I can keep the faith and that he puts forth the extreme effort it will take to repair our marriage and our family.

One day at a time... one day at a time.  That's all you can do sometimes.

Another crazy day

Monday was such a whirlwind for me.  Lots of emotions, lots of thoughts going through my head... and then to top it all off... there was a fraudulant transaction that attempted to hit my bank card!!  Yeah... unbelievable huh.  When I first got the phone call, I felt sick to my stomach.  Needless to say, I had to make a trip to the bank to get everything straightened out, however I am temporarily without a card until I receive a new one.  Ugh.

I pay all my bills online so this totally sucks.

When it rains, it pours!

Monday night when I finally laid my head down on my pillow... I prayed.  I will admit that I probably do not do that as much as I should, but sometimes when you get to that spot where you are not sure where else to go... you have to turn somewhere.  I prayed for so many things too.  I prayed for the strength to make the right decisions for my family, I prayed for my husband to be the strong man that I know he really is deep down, I prayed for my beautiful sweet daughter and her understanding heart through the tough times we are experiencing right now, for my friends and family as well.

My little sugar plum is so young, so she does not quite understand whats going on... I just want to make sure I keep a positive attitude from day to day so that she stays happy too.  The last thing I ever want to do is hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way.

I would have to say the most precious thing to me is my daughter.  I look forward to every morning when I go crawl in her bed with her to snuggle and wake her up... or when she comes and crawls into my bed to snuggle with me early in the morning.  That is totally priceless in my opinion! Simply amazing!

Well hopefully as the week continues... it will get better for us.

A Heavy Heart

My heart is crying tonight... my cousin Amy ended her life today.  I'm totally heart broken at the thought her life is now over.  I will never get to speak to her again or reminisce on all the years we ran around together back n the day and all the fun times we had together.  We were close once.  The pain our family feels right now is unspeakable.  It took a little while to sink and I'm still in some what disbelief.  This has to be some sort of nightmare that I'm in and surely I will wake up tomorrow and none of this would have happened.  I feel so badly for her sweet kids, grand kids, parents, brother, sister, nieces, nephews and everyone else that loves her so much.  Everyone loved her... she just had an awesome personality that drew people to her.  She had her struggles in life, there's no doubt about that, however she was always a person you just wanted to be around.  She was just so much fun!  Some of my best memories are hanging out with her.

My dear Amy... I love you so much, I regret that we haven't been as close the past few years.  I can't grasp why you made the decision that you have... however I will forever love you, miss you and always remember the great memories we made together!

Another day another diet

Well the past week has been interesting to put it lightly.  Some of which I can't discuss however I will just say that it's been trying in every way possible.

The crazy weather we've been having is totally nutts.  A little over a week ago I was in a short sleeved shirt pulling Kayla around the yard in her wagon having a grand ole' time outside... then the next day... freezing temps followed by snow & the temp in the teens.  I guess that's what we get here in good ole' Oklahoma huh!  Gotta love it.

So I started on yet another diet plan today!

I've read about it all over the internet and so far I hadn't read anything negative so I thought to myself the other day... "WHY NOT?"

It's called - Pure Cambogia.  Tons of celebs have lost lots of weight on it, so surely it should work for me too right?  I guess we'll see and I will keep everyone updated on the results as I go.  I ordered the free 4 week trial online, you just have to pay shipping... and no there's no other tricks that I've found.  You really just pay the shipping and nothing more - no future commitments or anything.  I was sold with that right off.  I figured heck if I try it and in 4 weeks I don't see the results I want then I won't mess with ordering more.

With this plan there's two bottles:

1.  Pure Cambogia Ultra

2.  Bowtrol Detox

I ordered both for under $10.00 in shipping and they arrived within 3 days.  Pretty awesome!

Even though I've already lost 33 lbs with another weight loss plan... I'm still to embarrassed to post my current weight for who knows who to see on here.  Through this 4 week process, I promise to be honest and post exactly how much I lose or (heaven forbid) gain.

My goal is not just losing the weight, but to feel better about myself and gain some of my self esteem back that I've lost through the past few years.  I've blown up over the past 4 years and I've been totally unhappy with not only the way I look but the way I feel on a daily basis.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the woman looking back at me.

I don't want my old body back.... I'm ready for my new body!

I want to get my sexy back!

Wish me luck, cross your fingers and toes... and please pray for me the next few weeks.

I'm going to need all the support I can get at this point!

Looking back on 2013 and today

Looking back on the year 2013 and today...

We've had a rough year to put it lightly.  Ups, downs... both good and bad times together.  I know that marriage isn't easy, however marriage is more challenging when the most effort is only one sided.  I took my vows seriously and refuse to give up easily... even though I will admit that it's crossed my mind more often in the past year than ever before.

If I had to sum up how our relationship is today - I would say we just live under the same roof at this point.  I know it's sad to say, however that's the cold honest truth.

We haven't been back to see Paula again together since 2012.  I went by myself a few times last year... in fact a little over a month ago I called her again for another appointment.  Paula has been a huge help for me personally in so many different ways.  It's no front page news that I've been unhappy for awhile now with the way things are in our marriage and Paula has really helped me cope with my feelings and understand that I'm not unjust in the way I feel.

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is his lack of priority for our family.  Kayla and I always come last if at all on his list.  The majority of his time is spent elsewhere catering to someone else's wants and needs.  I simply can't depend or count on him to be home when he says he will.  He basically sleeps here and is not an active participant in our household, relationship and especially his relationship with his daughter.  It breaks my heart to see the scar he's causing not only with me but mostly with Kayla.  I'm the one who always has to come up with the answer for why daddy isn't home or is never here with us.  The older she gets, she asks more questions and comes up with her own conclusions for where daddy's at.

Yesterday he went to help a friend and their children at an FFA show out of town... came home at 11pm, then fell asleep on the couch while we were watching tv.  Before we went to bed the brief conversation we had was that I needed to work from home today to catch up on things I was unable to get done this week while at work and he informed me that he needed to help his friend and kids again this morning with the show.  He needed to be there by 7am!  Basically he saw Kayla briefly yesterday morning and hasn't seen her since.  As he was leaving this morning, I awoke and followed him to the front door.  I said to him... "so I guess I need to call my parents to help watch Kayla today while i work since you're leaving again?"  His response was that he would be home by 1pm and he made an attempt to hug me before he left and the only thing I could say was, "just go."  With tears streaming down my face as he left, all I could think was the rough week I've had, the few nights I hadn't slept and was worn completely out... all I ask is for an extra hour of sleep on Saturday mornings and it's very rare that I have to work from home on the weekends and for him to make me a priority in his life for once instead of someone else.

The words Paula told me at our last meeting ring loud in my head today... "he's never going to change."  She simply told me that she was worried about the well-being for Kayla and I and said that she worries I'm holding on to someone who doesn't love his family enough to make the necessary changes in his life in order to hold this family together.  She reminded me of the times we've visited her together and we discussed the visits Fred and her had as well.  She said that she honestly believes he loves us... just not to the magnitude he needs to put us first in his life.  Then she told me, "you're not lost... you know where you're going or want to go in life... he's the one whose lost and needs to find himself."  Her last words that day were that she felt as if the marriage was already diminished and I was still holding out hope for something that was already lost.  Deep in my heart, I know she's right.

I've talked until I'm blue in the face to him about things and nothing seems to sink in.  I know that Kayla and I deserve to be someone's priority and I wish we were his.

After he walked out the door this morning, I kept thinking... why me?
Why does he have to be such an asshole to us?
Why is it 5pm and I still haven't heard from him?  Didn't he say he would be home at 1pm... once again ANOTHER LET DOWN!  Proving that we have no number on his list, hell... we aren't even on it.

I have a lot on my mind these days.  A lot of hurt inside for myself as well as Kayla.

This morning when Kayla crawled in bed with me shortly after he had left... she says "daddy isn't here and didn't come home?"  So I had to explain that he was home but had to leave again early.  Then my aunt stopped by for a few minutes earlier and she simply asked me if Fred was working and before I could say anything Kayla said to her, "daddy doesn't live here anymore!"  I had to remind myself to breathe because tears were about to fill my eyes.  My aunt just looked at me and asked if everything was ok and I said yes it's just been one of those days.  She could sense I didn't want to talk about it and didn't say anymore about it.  I told Kayla she was silly and said daddy still lives here why would you say that... she just said "ok haven't seen him."

Well I guess that's enough for today.  I have to make an attempt to get some work done while Kayla is awake... which is challenging!!!!

2013 Here I come

2013 is here and I have to say I wasn't fully prepared.  I played the Power Ball yesterday in hopes that the dreams I keep having that I win would actually come true.  Unfortunately I have no winnings to report as of yet.  No worries though, I'm sure it will eventually happen, LOL.

Our Christmas was great and my in-laws bought me a cedar chest at an auction and it's absolutely gorgeous... I love it and couldn't be more excited that I finally have one after all my years of wanting one.  Christmas day, my husband's family came over to eat lunch, open presents and hang out.  They ended up staying the entire day til around 6pm or so and I was absolutely exhausted after everyone finally left.  My biggest goal for the day was to get a much needed nap in before returning back to work the following day, but I didn't get my nap and I think I'm still trying to catch up on sleep from the holidays.  All in all... our Christmas turned out great this year though.

Sunday, December 30th was the annual Christmas gathering in Sulphur for my mother-in-laws side of the family.  Unfortunately we had a slight repeat of last years issues that morning and were off to a bad start for the day.  Even when I specifically asked my hubby the night before if there had been any prior driving arrangements made for our trip, he answered "no".  Funny though, that morning my mother-in-law called while we were eating breakfast to find out if I knew when my sister-in-law was picking us up?  A little confused, I said "huh, I wasn't aware she was picking us up" and was then informed that everyone had made the decision all the girls would ride together and all the boys would ride together.  Interesting... I basically told her I would discuss this with Fred and have him call his sister.  You can only imagine my frustration and hurt with this blind siding me at the very last minute.  It was obvious my husband had discussed driving arrangements and for what ever reason decided to lie to me the night before about them.  When I mentioned it to him, he only met me with resistance, raised his voice and then proceeded to tell me that I never listen so that's why he never said anything.  Again, I'm confused.  Long story short... we ended up driving ourselves down there and not riding with anyone.  For what ever reason I haven't stopped thinking about this since it's happened.  It royally bothers me that he would lie straight to my face about something so stupid and simple.  Then have his mom call me to drop the prior arranged plans in my lap the morning of.  Nothing about this sets to well with me.  I'm absolutely clueless what to even think of all of this.

Despite the crazy day it was, we had a very nice time that day and I can only hope and pray next year we won't have the same issues as we have the past two.

My New Years resolution this year is to lose weight!  I'm determined this time around.  The biggest key is getting my husband on board with it too.  For him not to bring home crap food, like donuts, candy, cookies or what ever else he thinks he needs to munch on.  That's one of my biggest downfalls is the crap he brings home... I can't sit there and watch him eat it and then refrain myself from eating it too.  That's just not fair in my opinion.

Well I guess for now that's about it for me... off to bed I go and tomorrow's Friday, woohoo!

December is almost over

Seems like I never take the time to blog anymore like I used to.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to do better about blogging more often.  I really do enjoy it!

Here's the last month recap...

Thanksgiving was nice.  We went to my big family gathering this year since not everyone had seen Kayla yet & others hadn't seen her in quite awhile.  We spent a few hours there then came home for naptime.

We had our family pictures made at Portrait Innovations, since Sears is going out of business at the mall.  I wouldn't recommend them to anyone if my life depended upon it.  I will have to write an entire other post about our experience with them & why I'm so pissed off about our experience.  Let's just say I hope nobody else I know goes to them EVER!

I took Kayla to Bass Pro again this year to get her picture made with Santa.  Now that she's older I wasn't sure how she would react, but she loved him!  It was so cute to watch her try to talk to him all serious, but the elves kept trying to get her to look at the camera & well that ended up making her a little mad, then of course that's the exact moment they snapped the picture.  Go figure.  I would have been ok with the picture of her trying to talk to him... to me that was just to cute.  Oh well.  Picture with Santa accomplished & it's something we can look back on again later.

Kayla's birthday party Sunday, December 9th went great.  She got a lot of stuff and enjoyed playing with all the kids and seeing everyone.  My BFF Kat made an awesome Minnie Mouse cake, it was so so cute!  Of course her birthday is so close to Christmas, that she's barely gotten to play with all of her birthday toys and bam it's Christmas & time for more gifts!  We did Christmas with my family yesterday at our house.  It was very nice, we had a great time.

I have to say that one of the biggest things that I'm thankful for is to be able to have family at our house for the holidays.  To have a big enough house to have everyone over is just the best feeling ever.  We were able to finish our den/office before the holidays too.  That was the best Christmas present ever.  It's so nice & beautiful, I love it!  It actually looks like a room now instead of a converted garage... just amazing.

I know this is short, but while I had a few moments I thought I would post a little update on what's been going on in our world the past month.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas & hope everyone stays warm in this chilly weather we're having.

How lucky I am

I can honestly say that every single day of my life I'm reminded just how lucky I am to have the most beautiful, wonderful, and precious daughter in the world.  As crazy as it may sound, I'm completely addicted to her.  Her laugh makes me laugh, her smile makes me smile, she's just contagious for me and I don't mind it one bit.

Of all the jobs I've had in my lifetime or all the things I've ever done... being a mommy is the absolute best and highest honor I've ever had or could ever receive.

Tonight as Kayla and I were winding down from dancing to "The Hot Dog Song" and other random songs from the tv... I pretended to collapse in the floor with arms spread out.  Kayla jumps up, runs to grab a blanket and her "doggy" then comes to cover me up with the blanket then attempts to crawl under there with me along with "doggy" too.  Just warms my heart, she's so sweet.

Last Friday night for whatever reason, Kayla didn't sleep well.  At all.
She went to bed at her usual 8:30pm time but then around 1am she was crying.  I went to soothe her, lay her back down, cover her up, etc., but shortly after I had crawled back in bed there she was awake and crying again.  It's a very rare occasion that she will wake up in the night like that so I knew she wasn't feeling quite right.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get her back to sleep, I made the decision to bring her to bed with me, which was around 3am.  I tried laying her next to me thinking I could just cuddle her, but that didn't work she wanted to lay on top of me with "doggy" in hand of course.  So I propped the pillows up where I could lay slightly upright, then within minutes she was sound asleep and still laying ontop of me as well, lol.  I got as much sleep as I could for the next 3 hours and was partially still asleep when we stumbled out of bed into the living room to flip the tv on.  If I would have realized it was only 6am I would have not gotten out of bed, but well I was sleep deprived and a little out of it.  We dozed off and on while laying on the couch watching random things on tv.  I'm glad she just wanted to hang out with me on the couch and not run wild thru the house.

Even though I was seriously sleep deprived all day Saturday and was only about half way functioning most of the day... I enjoyed every minute of it.  It's a good feeling to feel wanted and to know that you are able to put your sweet baby back to sleep when nothing else works.  Apparently she was just wanting some mommy time and wanted me close.

She's growing so fast, so I'm trying to absorb all the sweetest she's willing to give while she's this age.

On another note... I had this bright idea awhile back that I would make a minnie mouse costume for Kayla to wear for Halloween this year.  What was I thinking?  There are times when I don't exactly think everything thru completely before diving off in the deep end.  Well there is no failing this project, one way or the other she will be wearing the minnie mouse costume I make when I finally finish it.  I was attempting to put the sleeves on tonight and well that proved to be a little more challenging then I thought it would be, lol.  I need all fingers and toes crossed and lots of prayers this will turn out good.

I will have to post pics when I'm done!

My cousin Gary

Well I have some very sad news... my cousin Gary has an in-curable lung disease.  Caused from having pneumonia so many times and it's caused a lot of scar tissue to develop in his lungs.  When my aunt took him to the dr the other day, his oxygen level was so low it wouldn't even register on the testing machine they wanted him to breathe in.  This is not good at all.

Unfortunately there is nothing they can do for him except make him as comfortable as possible with inhalers and meds.  My aunt said that slowly but surely it will start to cut off his breathing over time and he will eventually live on oxygen and well... that's about it.  Gary knows what's going on but doesn't know the severity of it.  Because of other health conditions he has, my aunt said that it's best he doesn't know how serious it really is.  It would only make him upset which would cause more harm than good.  Why does it always seem like when it rains... it pours?  He's such a kind sole and the most giving and loving person in the world, but yet he's faced so many challenges in his life that have caused him so much pain and now this.  One more thing to cause him discomfort and pain once again.  It just doesn't make sense to me why things happen like they do, but I guess it's not really up to me to understand the "why" in life either.

Growing up, my aunt was like another mom to me and my cousins, Gary and Sheri were more like siblings to me then cousins.  We've always had a very close bond from the start, that's just how it's always been.  It breaks my heart to know what he's going thru and the long road he has ahead.

We just have to put it in Gods hands and let him lead the way thru the pain.

As Gary always says... "I love you and God Bless"

In Remembrance

Lately I haven't the time out of my busy schedule to blog, but tonight I am making the point to.

I want to take a moment and dedicate this blog to several people in my life and you know who you are.

The recent loss of a magnificent woman Mrs. Orr, has saddened my heart tremendously.

I remember the last time I hugged her like it was yesterday.  Mr. & Mrs. Orr were officially moving to Houston to be closer to their daughter and that was really rough for them.  The moving truck was at the house and everyone was working hard to load everything for the long move to Houston.  Fred and I stopped in to say goodbye.  I knew at the time, chances were I wouldn't have the opportunity to see them again.  As I hugged and hugged her tightly that day it was hard to bring myself to walk out the front door to leave.  I managed to keep the tears from flowing until I approached the front doorway and had to force myself to continue walking through it.  Being pregnant at the time didn't help my emotions either.

Months before the move took place, Fred and I had discussed the option of buying the house to raise our family.  It was the perfect location, right down the street from my parents, close to town and work... everything seemed so right but at the same time it was sad too.  They had to leave their dog Spike behind and we took care of him until he passed away just a week after I brought Kayla home from the hospital.  I was devastated to find Spike and truly believe he was heartbroken after they moved away.  Even though we loved and took care of him, I'm sure for him it just wasn't the same without them around.

Mrs. Orr was more than just my best friend Kat's grandma, the neighbor down the street, a wonderful teacher, a great piano player... she was like another mom.  She always treated Kat like she was her child, not her grandchild and she was always so proud to talk about her every chance she got.  You could just see her face light up every time.  She loved all her kids so much and anytime you were around her you could just feel it.  Just being in her presence, with all the warmth she radiated, made you want to strive to be a better person yourself.  I believe she had that affect on everyone around her.

I will always cherish the times that I would call upon her for help with homework that I didn't understand and she was always more than willing to teach me.  Even though I never had her as a teacher in a school environment, she was the best teacher I've ever had.

It was because of her that Kat and I started hanging out together around the age of eight.  Of course our friendship developed into not only best friends, but family as we still remain today.  I can still hear Mrs. Orr telling me on so many occasions how glad she was that Kat and I had remained so close through the years, even though we lived far apart growing up.  Kat and I always looked forward to the end of the school year because she would spend the summer with her grandparents and we would get to see each other.  When we were young girls, we couldn't call each other on the phone because it was long distance and would cost extra money, so from time to time we would mail each other letters.  Her grandma always took us to the mall to shop and she would do her shopping and we would go roam the mall and meet her back at a certain time and she would always be patiently waiting for us in a chair just outside of Sears.

On September 8th, Mr. and Mrs. Orr celebrated 71 years of marriage.  How amazing is that?  Again that is something to look up to and truly appreciate all the love, work and rough roads it sometimes takes to get there.  I always thought it was so cute how you could just look at them and know how much they loved each other by the way they acted towards each other.  I can only hope and pray that someday my marriage can be that strong too.

With regret I won't be able to attend Mrs. Orr's funeral on Monday, because it is in Houston.  If I had the extra money to fly out there, I would do it in a heartbeat.  If I had the extra money to make the road trip, I would do that too.  Unfortunately neither of these are options though.

Even though I'm unable to physically attend the services, I know in my heart she knows how much I love her and will always hold close all the memories we've made through the years.

For my best friend Kat, please know that I will be with you on your 10 hour journey in the morning as well as your return back home.  You know for sure someone else will be watching over you too, and we both know she will most definitely ensure your safe travel!  You will be in my thoughts and prayers as always and if you need anything, you know I'm here.  I love you.

Mrs. Orr, you were an angel here on earth and now you're an angel in Heaven.  I love you forever and always.

Anonymous email

I have my blog set up where anyone who wishes to post a comment regarding any blog, it first comes directly to my personal email for approval... then if I approve, it will then & only then post pubicly for everyone else to see.

When I received this the other day, I had to take some time to think about it.  Then I decided instead of approving it to post, I would actually address this.

The email I received was in regards to my May 23rd blog:

I was sad when I read this. I not imagine what you going through. He doesn't know what he has. You very sweet friend to me for so many years now and the most beutiful person I've ever known inside out known you for 18 years now. I don't know how anyone could say they are not attracted to you cause you have always been hot not only on outside but inside to. I know I would had loved you better than that. dating you set the standars very high for those I saw after you and there've been times I wish my wife was more like you. (please do not lecture me saying that you know I love my wife)Though you and I did not wofk out in relationship we became close friends over years and I sometimes wish things would have been different. Makes me very sad to read you pain and wish I could tell him how he would regret losing you if he ever does. I know I do regret. don't let anybody take you down you more than that so much more than that. You are one of a kind kim and the best. One millon guys out there who would love you I know it. Havent' talked in long time but Im always goin be here for you always.

The email was signed from anonymous with no name, however I have a pretty good idea of who this is.  I had a few mixed emotions, in a way I was very flattered, but in another way I wasn't quite sure what to think.  First, I wasn't aware that any of my ex's were reading my blog, so that kinda shocked me.  Second, to hear someone say they regret that things didn't work out from a relationship that was sooo long ago, completely floored me.

I know that everyone has their own opinions of what should or shouldn't happen in someone else's life & everyone is entitled to that I suppose.  I do thank you for the email/comment, it did make me feel like "I still have it" in a way, but more importantly I want to say that I do love my husband & I have all intentions of working through things & hopefully getting our marriage on a stronger path.  I appreciate that you didn't automatically strike out with "I should leave him" or any of those types of things.  I know the tough times you've been through in your own marriage & I know that you were simply trying to reach out to let me know someone cares & make me feel better, in which you accomplished.

Thank you for reading my blog & always being a loving, caring friend!

An unexpected goodbye

A dear colleague of mine passed away yesterday unexpectedly during by-pass surgery. The news came as a complete shock. His daughter Pam, my sweet friend is absolutely devestated because this just wasn't suppose to happen. I wish more than anything I could in someway lesson the pain she is experiencing right now.

Why does God decide to take someone away so early in their life?  They are to young to pass & are suppose to have many more years here on earth to share with their family, friends & colleague's.

It's hard to know what to say or do during a tragic loss, especially when all you can think about is how to rewind life for just a few days & go back to the way things were.

I'm at a loss for words right now.  My heart breaks for my sweet friend Pam & her family.  I know how bad I'm hurting inside & I can't imagine what their going through right now.

Mike was such a wonderful guy in so many ways... I'm thankful for the years we worked together & was honored to call him a friend too.

My thoughts & prayers are heavy this evening.  Mike you will be greatly missed & we love you!

4 day Thanksgiving

It was so incredibly nice to have 4 days off work for Thanksgiving!  I felt like we got a lot accomplished over the weekend too.

Thanksgiving Day we went to my brother's house for lunch & ended up staying until almost 3pm.  Then we stopped by Fred's parents house to say hi before heading home for the day.  Poor Kayla was absolutely exhausted by the time we arrived home.

She has a routine every day & when her routine gets out of whack, it takes her the whole day after to recoop & get back on track again.

I'm not one of those crazy Black Friday shoppers, so I didn't leave the house at all Friday except later that evening to go grab some dinner for us.  I will admit it was tempting, especially with all the good deals going on, but I just can't convince myself to actually get out & do it.

I spent most of the weekend working around the house, trying to get the den in order, cleaning & random other things.

Saturday my parents watched Kayla for a few hours while we went in search of a new bed.  A few weeks ago we stopped in Mathis Brothers & I have to say that I will never shop there again.  That place is completely nutts!  You barely get in the door & 90 sales people are waiting to attack you, oh I hate that.  I don't like being harrassed when I'm trying to shop, not to mention there's one million other people in the store at the same time & each with a sales person following them around everywhere. Ugh.  So Saturday we went to Bob Bills & we had a great experience there.  The sales guy that helped us, was nice.  The atmosphere was more calm & not so crazy.  The best part was that we found a bed & bought it!  Despite my reservations about buying a King size bed, that's what we ended up with.  They had a special deal going... King size for the price of the Queen & the King size came with sheets & pillows.  What a deal, huh!  Then we browsed the discount section & found a headboard for $68, woohoo.  Needless to say, Saturday was a great day for us.

We ordered the lower profile box springs so our bed wasn't ready to be picked up until yesterday.  After nurse Shirley left, Fred & I hooked up the trailer & headed to Bob Mills to claim our new bed.  By the time we got that loaded, back home again, then rushed around to get everything moved around & set up... it was 8pm by the time we picked Kayla back up from my parents house.  But let me tell you... that was the best nights sleep I've had in a long long time.  Just like sleeping on a cloud I tell ya!

Sunday I spent most of the day, cleaning house, doing laundry & all the usual house hold chores that come every week.

It was just so nice to have enough days off work that I didn't feel rushed around to get everything done in two days like usual.  Since Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, we are only getting that following Monday off work.  I'm seriously considering taking off a few extra days in there somewhere, just to have a little extra time.  I'm not sure how or if I can swing that just yet, but I definitely plan on looking into it.

We have a lot to be thankful for this year as we always do.  Great family & friends & most of all our beautiful little love bug Kayla.  It warmed my heart to be able to spend more time with her over the 4 day holiday, I enjoyed every minute.

OSU Tragedy

So sad... once again tragedy strikes OSU.  I first heard the news on the radio this morning.

Friday, November 18, 2011, Oklahoma State University women’s basketball coach Kurt Budke and assistant women’s basketball coach Miranda Serna were killed along with two others Thursday night in a plane crash in Perry County, Arkansas.

Now let's take a step back a few years...

On Jan. 27, 2001, three airplanes carrying nearly three dozen members of Oklahoma State's basketball program left Jefferson County Airport near Boulder, Colorado, on a snowy Saturday night bound for Stillwater.
One of the planes, a twin-engine Beech King Air 200, crashed on a snowy hillside near Denver. There were no survivors.  Ten men, ten lives. Gone in an instant.

Kendall Durfey, 38, was a radio engineer for the Cowboy Network. Bjorn Fahlstrom, 30, sat in the co-pilot's seat. Nate Fleming, 20, was a freshman guard. Will Hancock, 31, was the media relations coordinator. Daniel Lawson, 21, was a junior guard. Brian Luinstra, 29, was a trainer. Denver Mills, 55, was the pilot. Pat Noyes, 27, was the director of basketball operations. Bill Teegins, 48, was the play-by-play voice of the Cowboys. Jared Weiberg, 22, was a student manager.

When tragedy strikes... it makes you take a step back & think about how short life can be.  Nobody knows when their last day will arrive.  All those who passed were still young.  Most were younger than I am.  It definitely puts a lump in my throat thinking about it.

To top it off OSU lost their game tonight.  Boo.  Winning might have brought a little sunshine to a gloomy day for them.  That just sucks.

Well I hope everyone says a prayer tonight for all the families of those lost in the plane crash.  So very sad.

Forgiveness

In my random online reading awhile back, I read about forgiveness & the myths about it.  I thought it was really enlightning so I thought I would share.

3 Myths About Forgiveness

1.  Forgiveness means you condone the behavior of the person.
2.  Forgiveness means you have to maintain a relationship with the person.
3.  Forgiveness means that you forget about the incident.

All of these are absolutely untrue!

Forgiveness is releasing your own pain and anger over the past.  It's a choice to live in the present.  It's choosing to let go of whom was right or wrong.  Forgiveness gives you the freedom to live your life and not allowing someone else to control it.  If you are holding on to the anger and hurt you are allowing the person to continously hurt you over and over again.

Be grateful... for all the valuable lessons you have learned from the situation.

Remember to forgive yourself.  Don’t beat yourself up mentally for things you might have said or did or for things you wish you would have said or did.  Clear out your mind and learn to love and accept yourself just as you are.  Meditation is great way to get in tune with your inner self.  Forgiving yourself empowers you to create the changes you want in your life by accepting full responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Forgiveness is not a “one time fix”.  Often times you will need to forgive the person all over again each time you think of the situation.  In time the anger and bitterness will be a thing of the past and you can look at the situation with a peaceful heart and truly wish those that hurt you well.

When you fail to forgive, you are actually turning your back on your back on a better future. You do not want to create a future for yourself that is full of anger, hatred and resentment. FORGIVE – Keep your head up and your heart open as you walk forward in your life, creating a future that will lead to love, health and happiness!

Seriously... this makes total sense right?  Seems so simple but yet so deep.  I've never thought of forgiveness, in this way before.

Guess the more we read, the more we learn, huh!
Dang I feel really smart right now.  Ha Ha

Earthquake

Seriously, can the earth quakes please cease.  We are in Oklahoma for the love of God.

Around 10:55pm, I'm sitting at home on my computer trying to work & the ground beneath me starts shaking like no one's business.  My first thought was... "what the heck is that".  Then I immediately went to thinking... "surely it's not a....".  Yep... it's an earthquake.

Here in Oklahoma we are prepared for tornado's.  We spend lots of money installing cement holes in the ground to crawl in to when the time is upon us.

Earthquakes on the other hand... what the hell do you do when that hits ya?  You can't crawl into your cement hole, cause well that would just be stupid.

The 4.7 magnitude earthquake that hit 6 miles north of Prague at 2:12am this morning... well I have to admit I didn't feel that one at all.  Apparently we slept right through it, which is perfectly fine with me.

Here's the headlines on the internet now... 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes Oklahoma.
The quake hit at 10:53pm.  The quake was reportedly felt as far north as Grove, Oklahoma & as far south as north Texas.

So first we have a 4.7 which are followed by "aftershocks" throughout the day today & now here we are having a 5.6 tonight!  That's a little scary if you ask me.  Completely un-settling in every way possible.

October 13, 2010 - was the last earthquake I felt.  I had just sat down in my office at work when it happened.  It shook the entire building.  I was pregnant at the time so for a split second I thought I was literally losing my mind or having a nervous breakdown.  So I was relieved when everyone in the hallway started talking about how it was an earthquake.  That earthquake was a 5.1 magnitude.

Why is this happening?  It's scary.

I guess I need to start reading up on what to do when an earthquake happens, if we should have another one in the future.  Ugh.

VHS, DVD, Blue Ray?

Remember VHS?  I can remember when I got my first VHS player... I thought I was big time then.  I had a fair collection of VHS tapes too.  Some of which I still have as a matter of fact.  Sadly some of the movies I loved, haven't yet converted to DVD, otherwise the VHS would be no more in their dust covered box.

Then came the DVD.  Well, it took awhile for me to merge from the VHS to DVD, but it was a forced choice.  I started noticing every time I went to rent a movie, more & more DVDs were appearing on the shelves as apposed to VHS.  So I was basically forced in to buying a DVD player after a certain point.  That only seems like it's been a few years ago.

I swear the Blue Ray discs came out of no where!  Ugh.  Really?  Why do we have to upgrade every few years to something bigger & better & are forced to give up the electronics we currently have that are still in great working condition?  I know, it's a way for people to make more money I guess.  There are some of us out here that can't afford to upgrade that often though.  Of course, now I have a decent collection of DVDs & I've already merged & purchased a Blue Ray player, but ONLY because the DVD player we had... well it gave up & died one day & the sales dude at Best Buy basically was a great sales guy & ended up talking me into paying "just a few dollars more" & upgrading to the Blue Ray player instead of purchasing another plain ole' DVD player again.  Way to go Best Buy dude, apparently he's good at his job.

After having the Blue Ray player for awhile, Fred & I were curious to test the difference out.  So I rented a Blue Ray.  (this was a long time ago)  We get it home & it doesn't play... hmmm interesting.  Thinking there is something wrong with the DVD, I go back the Blockbuster the next day to exchange the DVD for the same movie in hopes this would fix the issue.  Nope.  Still wouldn't play.  A little confused at this point, again, the next day I go back to Blockbuster to return the DVD... this time I patiently wait at the front counter to ask the dude what's going on with this & explain this is the second time I've exchanged it, etc.

His response... "did you update your Blue Ray player?"

Did I what?  Huh?  Now I'm really confused.  What the flip are you talking about... did I update my Blue Ray player?  It's a few months brand new, why & how would I update it?

The "kid" looks at me with this shitty look on his face & says "ma'am you have to update your Blue Ray player ever so often, don't ya know?"  Excuse me, if I knew I was suppose to "update" it then why would I be here asking you this question in the first place?

Needless to say, I felt like an ancient old woman walking out of there & all I could think was, what the heck was he talking about, what a shitty attitude he had to top it off & that apparently I need to read the stupid manual that came with the damn Blue Ray player, which I still to this day haven't done.  Ugh.

Well that incident happened awhile back & I never figured out anything regarding the Blue Ray issues.  I've been renting the regular ole' DVDs ever since & they play just fine in our Blue Ray/DVD player.

So last weekend we rented a movie, which we hadn't done in quite some time now.  After really enjoying the movie we wanted to watch the extra stuff that's usually on every DVD... well to our surprise, WE COULDN'T!  That's not an option anymore when you rent movies.  You can only view the extra stuff if you purchase the DVD.  Can you believe that?  Seriously?  What the bleep.  Movie rental prices went up to, so now we have to pay the same price as we were paying before EXCEPT you only get the movie for 24 hours & not 3 days.  I'm so confused.  Why do we even have movie rental places anymore?

I'm starting to think the "new thing" is now Netflix or one of those other online movie rental thingys.  Physically going to a store & renting a movie is soon to be history I'm affraid.  I'm not ready for this, but again I'm going to be left with no other choice soon.  Guess I should start opening up to all of this new age technology stuff & get with the program, huh!  Ugh.

Geez, I'm starting to feel old.

Looking back, one year ago

From time to time, I like to look back on a year ago & think about what has happened between then & now.

I remember it like it was yesterday... I had made the decision to switch jobs from a stable environment to what I thought was going to be the perfect job, with much better pay.  Then the Monday following our honeymoon weekend... I was informed I had no job.  We had such a wonderful honeymoon/vacation in Branson, MO I simply couldn't believe this would happen.  Not to mention I was 23 weeks pregnant at the time, so I was a complete emotional wreck.

At that moment, I kept telling myself that there had to be something better out there & that God must have a much bigger plan ahead.  Low & behold, that was exactly right.  I was so down on myself, but luckily the job that I had left originally... well they were happy to have me back again, so that was the first miracle.

The second miracle was that, a job I had turned down shortly after making the initial switch, well... it was re-opening & they wanted me!  Pregnant & all.  They knew when they hired me I was pregnant & would be taking leave in just a few short months.  That was just more than a miracle in my eyes.  And even better, the pay was good!

Well I'm still at the same job & I couldn't be more thankful to have it.  Like every job, it has its ups & downs, but honestly... I always step back & think about how truly thankful I am to have this job & work at this wonderful place.  If it wasn't for them accepting me while I was pregnant, I'm not sure financially where we would be at today.

There have been more than enough times in my life that I wasn't sure what was ahead or why did this have to happen to me situations.  I'm sure we've all been there.  It's nice to look back & see how many broken bridges you've conquered & realize that you can make it through anything if you build your strength to do so.

I have many mixed emotions revolving around the job that I lost over a year ago.  Sometimes I feel anger, because I know that certain individuals had a strong hand in the decision that was wrongfully made.  Maybe they felt a relief when I walked out the door that day, who knows.  I've learned a hard lesson from that experience.

When somebody has betrayed you as a friend several times over the years & then all of a sudden pops up & wants to not only make things right, but wants to offer you a swell job opportunity... you might want to take a step back & think things through in every way possible before you make that final decision.

I don't regret taking the job or making the switch.  I look at it as another stepping stone that I had to take to get to where I'm at today.  But I will say, that certain person who I left behind that day...  is now in the past where they will always remain.  It's their loss.  No need to mention names, they know who they are.

For my wonderful husband who stood beside me through those difficult times... I love you more than words can ever say & thank you so much for being there when I needed you the most!

Rainy weather

What crazy weather we're having!  I had to turn the heater on in the house when I got home from work today... otherwise little pumpkin would have probably froze in her sleep, geez.

Talk about one extreme to another.  Last week it was in the 100's & above & it was miserable just to walk outside... but this morning you had to put a jacket on because it was chilly.

How is anyone suppose to know how to dress in this craziness?  I feel like I almost need to walk out of the house dressed in a short sleeve shirt, with a hoodie over that PLUS take along my winter coat, just to be on the safe side.  I guess this is Oklahoma & we should all be use to this by now.

The rainy crappy weather has put a damper on me & Kayla's evening stroll we've been taking every night.  She loves to be outside!  Hopefully the weather will do something nicer tomorrow & thru the weekend.

I guess we should have figured the weather out on our own though... the State Fair started today & what does it do every year on the first day of the State Fair?  It rains.  Go figure.  Ugh.

Well that's my thoughts for the day!

Labor Day weekend

Just like most everyone out there, I wasn't ready for the 3 day holiday weekend to end yesterday.  In fact, I was starting to think... why don't we have a labor week instead of just one day?  I know that's a far fetched dream that will never happen, but hey it's still a nice thought right?  I'm allowed to have those from time to time.

The best part of the entire 3 days, was the fact that I was able to spend them with Kayla.  It was just her & I this weekend, because daddy was well over 1,000 miles away in the great state of Montana.  He left early last Thursday morning & didn't return until after midnight last night.  Maybe one of these days when I have a day off work, he will be able to stay home with us instead of driving across the states.

Kayla & I had a great weekend together.  It was so nice to not worry about dropping her off at my parents house in the morning so I can head to work.  Instead, when she woke up in the morning, I put her in bed with me & we had some cuddle time before we made it to the kitchen for breakfast, then morning cartoons together.  Oh what fun!  She's literally just a ball of fun these days.

Every night after Kayla went nite-nite, I headed for the laundry/den area to paint.  Ugh.  I was determined to get this completely finished this weekend.  I'm happy to announce that I got 95% of it finished!  Still have a few touch ups here & there, but I will conquer those sometime soon.  I'm just excited to have the majority of the painting finished at this point.  Hurray for me!

As everyone knows, I'm not exactly the best person to be crawling on any type of ladder, but the good report is that I only sorta stumbled off the step-ladder 3 times the entire weekend.  That's a new record for me AND the best part is that I don't have one bruise to show for it!  Woohoo.

Saturday, Kayla & I ventured out to Target for some shopping.  I tried out the new shopping cart cover thingy that I bought awhile back & wow poor little Kayla looked so tiny riding around in it.  It looked like it swallowed her right up, but she seemed to have a good time riding around in it.

My dad came over Sunday & mowed the lawn which was starting to get outta control.  Thank you dad!  I think he also did that so he could stop in & see Miss Kayla too.  If he doesn't see her everyday I swear he goes thru withdrawals or something.  That's ok, he didn't stay long & I know she loves to see her Papa too.

Yesterday, I called my mother-in-law to come over to spend some time with us last night.  She brought me dinner & hung out with us for a little while until it was time for Kayla to get a bath & go nite-nite.  It was the first time in a long time that she was able to hold Kayla the entire time she was here & she didn't even cry once!  So maybe she's growing out of this not letting anyone except a very few people hold her stage, woohoo I'm definitely excited about that.  Especially with my mother-in-law, I felt so bad every time she would try & hold her & Kayla wouldn't have it... made me feel really sad.

Here are a few things I haven't mentioned lately... Kayla is officially crawling now!  She's getting quicker by the day too, it's crazy.  Not to mention, she's also getting more onry.  Several times this weekend I went in to pick her up from her nap & she had un-done both bumpers on the back side of the crib & was playing with them.  And I mean, she had un-tied all 4 ties on both of them!  Wish it could've been the ones in the front instead of the side of the crib that's against the wall & for us short people... hard to get to.  I managed to get them tied back only to find she had done it again next naptime.  Amazing how quickly they learn & pick up new things, huh.

I have to say although hubby was unable to be with us this weekend... I enjoyed every minute that I got to spend with Kayla.  I would most definitely mark this as an all around successful weekend!

Unfortunately hubby & I haven't gotten to spend much time together since his arrival after midnight last night.  He was exhausted from the trip & well it was after midnight when he got home & way past my bedtime.  We met up for lunch today along with his mom & then he got home late this evening.

Tomorrow I have my one-on-one appointment with the counselor & I'm looking forward to that.  Each visit, is one step closer in the right direction in my opinion.

Well that's the low down on our Labor Day weekend!