Easter Bunny

Easter Day was great!  Kayla was so excited that the day was finally there... all she cared about was that the kids (2 nieces & nephew) were coming over and they were going to hunt Easter eggs.

We had everyone over to our house for lunch and the afternoon and I know the kids had a blast playing and hunting eggs.  Needless to say, by 3pm... I was exhausted though.

I picked Fred up from the airport the night before so it was a nice surprise for her to wake up and daddy was home.  I could tell that he was happy he made the decision to come home and be with us for Easter Day.

I was determined after everything... everyone was going to have a great Easter this year!  I do believe we were successful at that.

Our next appointment with Paula is this Thursday evening.  So I'm hoping we can really get on the road to recovery and start with one foot in front of us in a positive direction from here on.  There's a lot of work to be done in our marriage and in our family for sure.  I just hope that I can keep the faith and that he puts forth the extreme effort it will take to repair our marriage and our family.

One day at a time... one day at a time.  That's all you can do sometimes.

One foot in the right direction

Let me just say that our meeting with Paula on Wednesday didn't go quite like I had hoped it would.  I knew there was a chance things wouldn't go well... however I will admit I had high hopes.

We discussed the current issue at hand, which was the South Carolina trip that was planned over Easter weekend.  I had major issues with this.  Not the trip itself... just the timing of it and the fact he would be gone on Easter.  Ugh.

Here's a breakdown of my issues revolving around this:

• His family (Kayla and I) weren't considered or consulted in the decision, I was just "told" this is how it is and will be.
• He would be missing Easter when Kayla's been looking forward to daddy hiding Easter eggs for over a week now.
• Not standing up to his dad and telling him that he wanted to be with his family for the holiday and to reschedule the trip for another time.
• Trying to convince me that there was nothing that could be done to change the trip and that he was going no matter what because that's what his dad had arranged and we never go against what dad wants of course.

The ultimatum I gave him:

• Go on the trip and move out.
• Not go on the trip and spend Easter with his family.

It didn't take long after we started talking to Paula, that I realized it was time for me to hang my head in defeat.  It was the most emptiest feeling I think I've ever felt in my life.  No matter what Paula said or tried to talk to him about - he continued to argue in favor of the trip.  The problem is that this goes much much deeper than just this trip and this instance we're currently having the issues with.  It always revolves back around to the fact he never puts his family (Kayla and I) first for anything.  His parents always consume 90% of his time - weekdays and weekends included.  This is the heart of our problems... not putting effort into our marriage and our family except from time to time or when it's convenient.  When ever his dad barks orders, he runs... and that's every time.  I can't think of any instance in which he said "dad, I'm spending time with my family today so it will have to wait until tomorrow."  If he calls and tells him something needs to be done and he wants it done today or right this minute... well off he goes.  It's as simple as that.  This is how it's always been - us taking a back seat to everything else.  Well I'm tired and fed up with it and the South Carolina trip just completely put me over the edge.  I couldn't take any more of this back burner bull shit from him.  That's why I gave him the ultimatum... prove to us that you want our family and that we are what's most important to you.

Paula tried very hard to convince him he would be making a big mistake and would regret later on for the decision of leaving his family behind.  Unfortunately it didn't work.  He threw money down on the table next to her and walked out the door as he said "if you're going to throw our family away over a trip then f*ck you."

As he walked out the door... I could feel him pulling my heart on a chain behind him.  Dragging what pieces were left at that point.  I felt sick.  Totally sick.

Paula immediately started talking to me and trying to comfort me.  She said that she was sorry and that she knew he was making a mistake but that sometimes people who are solely on someone else's lead, cannot see things any other way until later on down the road.  She told me that she knew that he is torn between trying to do whatever his dad wants or says and being with his family too.  Unfortunately we always end up last.  Paula said I was a good woman and that there's not many women who would admit when they're wrong and apologize for it when it's brought to their attention - she said she admired that about me.  She said I am strong and to keep my head up because there's someone out there who would appreciate, admire and respect me as I deserve to be.

It's nice to hear positive things about yourself when you're at the bottom of the barrel.  However, it's hard to swallow when your completely empty inside.

She gave me a big hug as I was leaving and said that she was there if I needed her.

Back up for just a minute... over the past 2 1/2 years, we would meet at Braums up the street from Paula's house and ride together for our appointments, then I would drive him back to his truck afterwards.  This time was no different... we met at Braums and rode together to Paula's house for our appointment.

As I walked out of her house to my truck I quickly realized he wasn't anywhere in sight, so I knew he had probably started walking.  Of course he didn't take our usual route through the neighborhood, so I had to drive down a street or two before I finally saw him walking.  I drove up to him and stopped, rolled the window down and told him to get in.  No matter how badly I was hurt, I wouldn't have let him walk all the way back to his truck.

Long story short - we sat and talked in my truck at Braums for awhile with no resolution.  After we both left Braums in separate vehicles, I headed home to let the dog out real quick then go pick up Kayla from my parents house.  As he was leaving he said he would be home shortly.  I could only assume where he was going.

Now everything goes down hill...

After I was home and had let the dog out, I headed down the street to my parents house.  As soon as I walked in the door - my dad proceeded to tell me that Fred's mother had called him and had told him that I was going to divorce Fred if he went on this trip and wanted to know what was going on.  At that point my whole body went completely numb.  My first thought was, "SERIOUSLY?"  I mean, what the hell - why is my mother-in-law calling my parents talking about our marriage, wondering what they think?  It doesn't matter what anyone thinks except for the two of us.  It's our marriage, our family and our problems!!  We will either resolve them or we won't - no need to go dragging parents or anyone else for that matter into it.  That only makes things 100% worse.  I was only aware that marriage had two people in it and that's it - apparently I missed something somewhere along the way.

Anyone who knows my father, can only imagine how not-very-happy he was about the fact Fred's mother had called him and then decided to bash me... "she doesn't cook, clean or do his laundry like she should be."  According my father he fired back at her, "well he needs to help her around the house, he never mows the lawn, etc."  I guess his mother hung up the phone and that was the end of their conversation.  Ugh.  After my dad told me about their short phone conversation - I felt ever more sick to my stomach.  I couldn't believe that everything seemed to be going to hell so fast.  How could someone's life fall completely apart within a matter of a few hours not to mention having our parents yelling at each other - and we are grown married adults?  I was just clueless.  Needless to say my parents were wound up so I bailed out of there as quickly as I could and headed home with Kayla for the night.

What a day.  What a total and complete flipping mess.

I managed to hold myself together while in Kayla's presence, but I knew she knew something wasn't right.  As we were going through our usual nighttime routine, in a very quiet voice she asked me where daddy was.  Before I could answer, she said, "he's working isn't he?"  I said that he would be home after she went to bed and that maybe she would get to see him in the morning.

As I was waiting for Fred to come home.  I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind in order to make the decision to take the trip and leave his family in the dust.  I felt so defeated and beaten down.  Like what's so wrong with us?  We deserve far better than that.

I read a few things just the other day...

• "Sometimes the person you want most, is the person you're best without. Let go of what you feel and remember what you deserve."
  
• "When you really matter to someone, that person will always make time for you.  No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises."

When I read both of those the other day I thought - wow... amazing how true those are.

Before we got married - I knew marriage wasn't an easy road however I couldn't have predicted the hurdles we've had to endure so far.  My climbing boots are in shreds by this point.

When Fred finally arrived home that night - we sat in silence for awhile.  I think both of us were trying to process the day and everything that had happened between us.

I finally broke the silence and we talked off and on until we went to bed.  As I was crawling into bed next to him I had so many emotions running through me... thinking this could be the last time we slept in the same bed together.  We continued to talk some while laying in bed.

Then from out of nowhere it was like a light bulb had came on in his head - he asked "If I can be here on Easter, will that make it ok?"  I reiterated to him that was the reason I was upset and mad in the first place because he wasn't going to be here for Easter with his family.

That's when he managed to come up with a plan.  He said that he could fly his brother out to South Carolina on Saturday to drive his dad home and he would fly home Saturday evening so he would be here for Easter with us.  I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt a little hopeful it would work - however in the back of mind I kept thinking to myself that I shouldn't even get hopeful until I see proof.  As he was on his Kindle looking up flights or whatever - I ended up passing out.  My body was done, I was completely exhausted.

The next morning, Kayla had a little bit of a hard time with him.  Just wanting her mommy - so I had to merge the two together like I sometimes have to do.  He left the house a little after 8 am to head out and I wasn't sure what to expect after that.  He called around 10 am to let me know that he had bought the plane tickets and everything was arranged so he could be here for Easter with us!  I was excited that he had even made the effort and had came up with a plan to somehow make everything work out.  They were already on the road and said he would call when they settled in for the night in Tennessee.

Even though daddy was going to get to be here for Easter now... I knew there was another issue I needed to address in order to full fill our Easter plans completely.  His mother.  I ended up not going into work because there was no way I could hide my swollen emotional face from the day before.  Apparently I had cried so much that my eye lids were completely swollen up... it was a mess to say the least.  I didn't feel like answering questions about what was wrong at work, so I decided it would be better if I called in.  After laying down with an ice pack across my eyes for what seemed like forever - I felt presentable.  I managed to drag myself out of the house and to a few stores to get some things then back home.

After doing some serious thinking - I decided I needed to call his mother and ask her over to talk about everything.  I felt this was the right thing and the only thing to do.  Unless she feels otherwise, we've always got along in the past so I felt like the two of us needed to talk.  I called her and she didn't answer, but she called me back and I invited her over to chat.  Without hesitation she said she would and she came right over.  Since Kayla was still at my parents house I felt it was best for us to talk before I went to pick up Kayla.

At first we just talked about this and that - then I broke the ice and told her why I wanted her to come over.  She stayed for a few hours and in my opinion, everything went really good.  She said that Fred had called her after our appointment with Paula and told her I wanted a divorce if he went on this trip.  We talked about the fact that Fred runs to her and tells her every time we get into an argument or fight and always places the blame on me.  Everything is always my fault. We discussed the "lying" that goes on between her, Fred and his siblings to his dad.  I told her that lying has been an issue between us because I catch him lying about the smallest and stupidest things sometimes and I can't figure out why.  Apparently lying is second nature to them because that's how they've always managed to keep his dad happy.  I addressed the fact that no parents should be involved in our marriage issues, it only makes everything worse and only causes our parents to dislike each other and especially me or him.  Hence the whole reason I never run and tell my parents when we have an argument, fight or disagreement - both my parents love and respect Fred a lot and that could easily go the other direction if I ran to them every time I was pissed off at him.  I told her that I could understand why she would dislike me from him making me out to be the bad guy all the time.  She agreed that him telling her everything needed to stop and that he needed to spend more time at home with us.  Funny enough, she said that his "coming home so late" because he had to work stories... aren't exactly that.  She said he could get home a lot earlier if he wanted to.  All in all, I think we had a good conversation and got a lot of things out in the open and discussed.  I was very glad I called her to come over and we went to my parents house to pick up Kayla together.  Everything was fine and nothing was discussed in front of Kayla.  My parents and her just talked briefly before we headed back out the door for home.  She had to get going, so she left right after we got back to the house.

So much in just a short amount of time huh!

When I decided to sit down to blog about it, my head started hurting just thinking about everything all over again. What a total mess.

The brightest part is that we will all be together for Easter - minus Fred's dad and brother of course, who I wish could be here too.

I feel like in a way, we are starting over again from the beginning.  We have a long road ahead of us, but I'm going to try to focus on the positives and hope that someday we will be in a good place together.

A cry for help

It's almost been two years now since we first started counseling with Paula.  Hard to believe its already been that long.  I'm thankful for counseling in many ways and I can honestly say that I've learned a lot about myself through this process.  It's been a tough road and we still have a really long ways to go yet.

When we started counseling, I thought things could only go up from that point.  I didn't even think about it being such a roll-a-coaster ride, which is exactly what its been.

If someone were to ask me how I felt about the overall results from counseling, I wouldn't know what to say.  We still have a lot of the same issues we had when we started, and after all this time I'm starting to lose hope that those things will ever change for the future.  I tried so hard to be a positive person and work on things, however the continued neglect on the other side, well that's only made my heart harden a little more each day.

Our communication is for the most part one-sided.  I guess he feels that its not necessary I know whats going on or that its not a big deal.  He could go out of town and I wouldn't have a clue until later when he decides to tell me or if I ask him what he did or how his day went.  Every time I ask him why he doesn't call to let me know whats going on, his answer is always the same... "I didn't think it was a big deal" OR "I didn't think about it."

A simple phone call or a simple conversation can go a long ways - it's getting him to understand that communication is a HUGE part of a marriage or relationship.  When you don't have good communication... then what?

I would have to say the two biggest issues we have is communication and the fact that he's more committed to his parents then he is to his family (Kayla and I).  We could have plans already set, however, if one of his parents call, then our plans immediately go by the way side - no questions asked.  Of course he doesn't see it this way.  The constant response I get is, "It's my job" or "I can't help it, it's just the way it is and has to be."  Which is total bullshit in my opinion!  The truth of it is that he's too afraid to stand up to his father and tell him that he already has plans with his family.  He would much rather hurt or upset me and Kayla then to stand up to his father OR tell him no.

I beg for attention from him on a constant basis... for Kayla's sake as well as mine.  He doesn't seem to see or understand the big picture of what's happening to our family.  It's completely falling apart at the seems.

Just this morning, after taking Kayla to the bathroom - as we were leaving the bathroom I said "let daddy come put your diaper on because mommy needs to jump in the shower"... her immediate response was, "daddy is to busy for me."  If she were saying that about me, I would be heart-broken at the fact she would even think for a minute I was to busy for her.  Yet, even when I tell him what she's said - I don't see much of a reaction from him.  I don't always tell him everything she says when he's not here, but there are times when I will admit I shed a tear with the things she says.  At three years old - she knows and seems to understand so much.  She's told my aunt on more than one occasion that "daddy doesn't live here."  Which absolutely kills me to think she would say something like that.  I only witnessed her say that once and other time I was told about it.

Around Valentine's Day, he had a small fall out with his father and for a whole week I actually felt like I had my husband.  It was amazing - he was home early in the evenings, we talked constantly and I tried to be there to comfort him through everything he was going through.  I actually saw a different person come out in him.  I really can't explain how amazing it was to see him stand up to his father and I could see that it was a huge relief for him to have done that.  I was so proud of him in so many ways that week.  The man I know he is and the man I married was with us that entire week and I loved every minute of it.  Unfortunately shortly there after - things went right back to the way they were before though.  I've felt crushed ever since.  For a short week I really thought maybe the light had finally came on with him.  I was wrong.

I know the kind of person I am better than anyone else does.  I know where my limits and boundaries are and when to say "enough is enough".  That's the spot I'm in today.

I remember Paula mentioning at a session some time back, that over a period of time, continuous negative things can cause the heart to harden towards someone.  Unfortunately that's been slowly happening to me.

When we took our vows, the preacher read from the bible:
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

I never realized just how deeply those words would affect me at the time the preacher said them.

A line has to be drawn between work and family - period.
For the longest time I tried to make excuses to myself and say "he's just a guy."
That's such bullshit though - he's a guy YES however I know many men that have quit their jobs, moved, and done numerous things for the sake of their families.  Yet I'm married to someone whose last priority is just that - his wife and child.

All I know is that we have an appointment with Paula on Wednesday - 2 days from now.

God help me, if something doesn't change soon.

How do you really know when it's time to call it quits and move on?
How do you really know when you've given everything you can possibly give and it's time for a dramatic change?

All I know for sure at this point is this... I'M TOTALLY DRAINED!
I find myself depressed thinking about everything.  I want to run outside and scream to the top of my lungs in hopes someone would hear my cry out to save our marriage before it's to late.

I can't imagine not wanting to change anything and everything to be with our sweet little sugar plum... she's the total highlight of my life.  Every breathe I take, every minute I'm awake or asleep - it's all about her.

Say a prayer tonight for my sanity, my marriage and my little sugar plum.

Going back

Tuesday we had an appointment to see Paula again.  Unfortunately Fred was unable to make it because he was out west working ground in order to plant wheat this week.

I've been after him for some time to make another appointment with Paula so we could attempt to get back on track again... however he never did until late last week and then he couldn't even make it.  A little disappointing for me.

My chat with Paula was much needed and even though Fred couldn't make it I feel like maybe that was meant to be.  I was able to get a lot of things off my chest, I learned a lot and feel I have a new approach to take now.

I learned that I need to take care of myself first and most importantly take care of Kayla as well.  I can't change Fred's priorties to put myself and Kayla first.  I can't change his trail of thoughts or what choices he makes.  However, I can make the right decisions for me and Kayla.  That is what I do have control over.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from the continous conversations we have about why he never comes home when he says he will or the times he promises to be home at least one day on the weekend but yet something always comes up to drag him in another direction.

One thing that really hit home was "you can't love someone enough to change them, they have to love you enough to change."

Wow... so true, so true.  I guess I had never thought of it that way before.  It's amazing how one statement can make such an impact on how you feel about things.  Paula said that she feels like I'm holding back on life because I spend to much time trying to think of what's right for "us" when he is obviously not doing the same in return.  This only causes more weight on me trying to love him that much more in hopes the lightbulb will come on one day in his head and start putting our family first instead of everyone else.

It's hard to believe we've been going to Paula over a year now, but yet we still have the same issues and problems as we did when we first started going.  She said that when there's been little progress and the same issues are there as they were before especially in over a years time frame... chances are it's not going to change anytime soon, if ever.  She strongly suggested that I take a step back and focus on myself and what's best for me and Kayla.  And I think she's right... about everything.

I've "bitched" at Fred so many times about how things may change for a day or even two, but then we take 20 steps backwards all over again.  This is a constant roll-a-coaster that I'm tired of being on.  Unfortunately it just never seems to sink in though.

The truth and reality isn't always easy.  The time he's been away this week has given me time to think and to emotionally relax, so I'm thankful for that.

It's sad to say but when he's not here, I don't have to pick up things left around the house that Kayla shouldn't get into such as knives or medicine.  I don't have to worry about him coming home when he said he would because I know he's not coming home at all.

It's such a loss in so many ways.  I wish he knew the serious impact his behavior has on his daughter and on me.

If only I had some magic pixie dust to make it all better now.

When Your Husband Has Given Up

It's amazing how sometimes things just happen on the days we are struggling the most.  This email came across my path today & I thought it was so fitting I wanted to post it for everyone to read...

When Your Husband Has Given Up
By Lysa TerKeurst

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

The silence. The rejection. The harsh words. The absence of intimacy. The questions. The lack of answers. The hurt.

My heart aches for anyone in a marriage that's struggling. I've been there. Many of us have.  But I think the deepest hurt comes when one spouse resigns while the other is still trying. There is a panic that arises to somehow make the other person wake up, stop their resignation, and help you fix this relationship.

A situation like this is much more complicated than simple answers I could offer here. But might I give you one stepping stone upon which to stand, to stop the panic and balance yourself?

Decide today that you are worthy.

Because you are. Worthy. You may not feel like it. But a quick glimpse at Psalm 139 assures me, you are. And I'd rather depend on the solid truth of God than the roller coaster of fickle feelings.

You are beautiful and captivating and attractive and smart and capable. But if you are in a relationship full of unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and frustrating communication, I suspect you feel a little less than all I've described.

Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.
And if you're anything like me, when you feel broken down those around you get your worst. Then upon all the hurt and anxiety you layer on regret, shame, and the feeling that you've lost yourself. You've lost that girl inside you that used to be so positive and happy and ready to take on the world.

Can I whisper a tender truth to you? The only way to recapture her is to come up for air and remember you are worthy.

Then you can act worthy.

And step aside from the emotional yuck to make some level headed decisions. Get a plan. Talk to wise people who love you and will walk this tough journey with you.

Draw some boundaries with your husband, if there are some needed. Pray like crazy for clear discernment.

And read good books that will help you. I just read Dr. Tim Clinton's new book called, Breakthrough. In it he says, "By discovering God's definition of true love and learning to live by it, we can open the door to freedom. Our future is in God's hands. When you are able to see and embrace this truth — there's your breakthrough!"

Remember you can't control how he acts and reacts, but you can control how you act and react.

Reclaim who you are.

I pray your relationship survives. I pray it with every fiber of my being. But if it doesn't, I pray most of all that the beautiful woman you are rises above all the yuck, still clinging tightly to the only opinion that matters — the One who forever calls you worthy.

Dear Lord, my marriage is struggling. I'm struggling. Help me please. I need to hold on to Your truths that I am worthy. And God, please show me what steps to take to support my marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Right through the heart

We had another appointment with Paula yesterday.  I thought over all it was about fair to medium.  A few major things came to light.  When asked what are some things he would like for me to work on, they were... weight & smoking.  Two of which I already knew I had issues with & have for some time now.  With Paula we talked mainly about the smoking & how I would love to quit, yada yada yada & we didn't discuss the weight.

After hearing the word "weight" come out of his mouth, it was very hard for me to focus on anything else while we were there.  The emotions only got worse on my drive home.  It became overwhelming for me to even think about.  Finally after Kayla had her bath, was sound asleep & a few hours had passed... we ended up talking about this.  Even though the higher road was that he was able to get his true feelings out... the lower road is where I was stuck & ended up off in a ditch praying someone would cover me with dirt.

My entire life I've always thought I was "fat"... even back in the day when I only weighed a mere 100 lbs.  I don't know why, it's just always been an issue for me in my mind.  Now one of my worst fears in life has came true... the husband in which I'm praying so desperately I can work things out with... well he doesn't find me attractive anymore & hasn't for months now from what he says.  This only complicates our current rocky marriage even more.  I cried so hard & for so many hours last night, I couldn't even think straight after awhile.  How in the hell do you even begin to recover a spark that's no longer there?  I'm totally lost.

When we took our vows of marriage, I took them very seriously & have tried my hardest to prove in every way possible that there is no question I will remain by his side throughout my time here on earth, however long that may be.  Hearing him say to my face that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, hasn't for awhile & doesn't want to have any more babies with me until I lose some weight... well I'm not even sure I can put into words exactly how that feels right now.

The truth is, I feel like giving up on our marriage.  I'm hurt, & emotionally & physically drained at this point.  I cried so hard last night that this morning my eyes were swollen almost shut when I woke up.  Putting my contacts in was painful & even a extra coat of make-up couldn't hide the swelling from everyone who saw me.  I quickly blamed it on allergy's & left it at that, but it was hard.  A few hours in to the work day I realized that I wasn't getting anything accomplished & couldn't even begin to concentrate for nothing.  It made me physically sick & I decided I needed to leave & attempt to pull myself together how ever I can.  I've never been one to bring my personal life to work with me, but this time I just couldn't leave it at home.

To top it off, on my drive home from work, my mom called to tell me that Kayla hadn't been acting right all day today & wasn't sure if she wasn't feeling well or what the deal was.  That hit me extremely hard in every way.  When I dropped Kayla off this morning she cried for me at the front door as I was leaving, which has only happened 3 times now.  She normally stands at the front door & when I get to the side walk I turn back & she waves bye to me while laughing or smiling.  Maybe somehow she could read the emotional state I was in this morning, I just don't know.  I hate to even think that could be a possibility.  The last thing I want is for my little love bug to experience the sadness that I'm going through.  She's way to little & that's just not fair to her.

It's very clear to me now why there's no motivation to help out or do more things for or with me, without me having to constantly remind or beg him.  He doesn't find me attractive, so why would he be motivated to be with me at all.  So basically it's like this... apparently I need to fix myself & get skinny to get that spark back & to motivate him to want to make our family a #1 priority, right?  Sounds kinda jacked up doesn't it?

I've been talking about a certain work-out machine since before Christmas time & even hoped that he would have purchased it for me, but it never happened.  Finishing the walls in the den/office so I would have everything fixed up in order to have a nice place to work out, hasn't happened.  I went to a weight doctor & lost about 18 lbs altogether, but that got expensive & it's hard to stay on track with a husband that enjoys bringing home a dozen donuts, cookies or whatever else he picks up at the store, but yet I'm suppose to be on a diet?  All the emotions I went through during pregnancy & then after... well that was really rough for me.  The thought of my body never being the exact same as it was before was so tough for me to cope with for awhile... and just when I started to quit beating myself up so hard every day, I get hit with the hardest blow of all.  If ever his intentions were to hurt me, well he's far succeeded at that by now.

I'm not quite sure how to get past this hurt, because it's deep.  It's affecting every thought in my mind currently & now I've begun beating myself up once again.  I feel like I'm not good enough or maybe he feels there is something else better & hotter out there that's more worth his time than me.

Last night I kept hoping that he would comfort me in some way & make me really believe that he wanted to work on our marriage & get back on the right road again.  There were very few words from him & definitely not a lot of physical comforting.  To me that sent strong signals.  If there is no effort, it will definitely never work.  I could have used his arms around me this morning re-assuring me that we'll get through this, except that didn't happen.  A quick kiss goodbye & I drove off to drop Kayla off, that was it.

What ever happened to unconditional love?  Is it suppose to be one-sided?  If something were to ever happen to him, no matter what it may be... I know without any doubt I would do whatever it took to take care of him to the best of my abilities & love him unconditionally til my last breathe.  Don't I deserve the same in return?  Isn't that what marriage is suppose to be?

I've been asking myself all day... where do I go from here? What do I do now? That's a hard question, in which I have no answer at this point.  I wish I could sit face to face with God & ask him which way I'm suppose to go.  I need some direction.  I need some guidance.

God... please grant me the strength I need to get through this sadness & hurt.

One day at a time

One thing I never thought in a million years I would enjoy... is blogging.  The whole reason I started in the first place was because I had read several stories online from other fellow blogger's about how it was a sense of release to write about what ever was on their minds & to let go of what others may think of their writing.  I will admit this was a serious challenge at first & wasn't even sure what to write about for awhile, but as time passed... I started really enjoying & looking forward to blogging about just random things.

Eventually my blog went from private that only a very select few people read... to... public.  The thought still scares me a tad & I still struggle from time to time about what people might think about the things I write about.  However, it has become a release for me.

Whether I blog about something crazy & make people think I've completely lost my marbles or I'm blogging about the struggles I may be currently facing in life... I enjoy every minute.  To me, it's fun.  I just can't explain it.

Moving on to whats on my mind today though...

While there are days that me & hubby seem to be making progress, taking big steps in a positive direction... there are other days that set us back to the bottom all over again.  Sometimes I sit & question, what the solution is or how we can get back on track again & then I start to analyze it in the worst way, tearing everything apart in little pieces trying to find the answer.  The end result is that I end up stressing myself out about something I can't change by myself.

Maybe there isn't an answer, maybe there isn't a solution - hell I just don't know.
What I do know, is that it's completely exhausting some days & there have been more than a few moments that I've wanted to throw my hands in the air, but haven't.

When we were going to counseling regularly I saw a difference in our marriage.  However, until the other day, he had not been since November & the last time we had an appointment in February he had to rush off & wasn't able to attend with me, so I ended up going by myself.  It puts a lump in my throat just thinking about the lack of commitment from him on continuing our counseling.  I feel like I'm at a loss & I'm tired of kindly reminding him to call & make an appointment with Paula.  So last week, I called & made another appointment myself... to visit Paula Tuesday evening.  Problem was, when I told him that I had made the appointment, he quickly informed me that he might not be here & there, so initially counseling was shot down.  No matter what came out of his mouth, all I heard was "I'm not going to counseling Tuesday night".

Then after an extremely disappointing weekend, I had finally had enough of the roll a coaster of emotions & hurt... & I gave him a choice to make.  Either go to counseling & make some serious changes starting NOW or move out & on with your life & without us.  Period.

His priorities are not with us & I'm tired of being put on the back burner when we are suppose to put each other #1.  Instead he always seems to choose not even putting us on his list.  We agreed a long time ago that at least one day out of the weekend would be ours & he would be at home to spend time as a family.  This worked for awhile, but it slowly started to dwindle until finally here we are.

Unfortunately Tuesday evening came & he informed me that he wasn't able to attend counseling, but had called & made himself an appointment to attend by himself the next day.

My first thought was... FORGET IT.  This is ridiculous.  If you know that your marriage is on the brink of ending, wouldn't you go above & beyond to make what ever effort needed to fix it?  Maybe it's just me.  Although I will say that my visit with Paula Tuesday evening was great & afterwards I started to think that maybe it was a good thing that it was just me attending instead of us together this time.  I was able to get everything out that was on my mind & speak without him being there.  Paula made me realize that I'm not crazy & I do not have unrealistic expectations of our marriage & of him.  He needs to either step up to the plate or completely step off.

The main issues he has are trying to find the dividing line between parents, work & family.  For him there are no lines & this is a constant problem for our marriage.  If we have plans to do something & his parents call & ask him to do something different... I'm the one who gets pushed to the side & he jumps up & runs to do whatever it is they ask.  Instead of him standing up & saying that he's already made plans or arrangements for the day, he automatically gives in & cancels our plans.  There's always an excuse to go along with why we were pushed to the back burner, but it's just a broken record that I'm tired of hearing.

According to him, his chat with Paula Wednesday went well & I would like to believe he now realizes the true depth of how things currently are between us.  I say this lightly because I'm so use to the routine of things falling back into a ditch again.  This time is strongly different though.  There will be no other chances here, I just can't take it anymore & that's just how it is.

So I guess all I can do is hope & pray our marriage becomes stronger & that from this point forward he puts our family first above anything else.

Week 16-26

Week 16 thru 26 came & went... here we are week 27. I finally met with Paula last Wednesday. Fred was scheduled to come with me, but he unexpectedly had to make a trip to Clinton to rescue his brother with a broken trailer instead. I decided to keep the appointment with Paula for myself anyways.

Our visit was great as it always has been in the past.  She asked a lot of questions, trying to get caught up on everything the past few months & we just sat & talked.  It felt good to get some things off my chest & to talk about positive things that have happened since the last time I saw her.

Everything is a work in progress for us.  Each day is a new day.  I'm trying to stay as positive as I can for the sake of my sanity & in hopes to keep a bright spirit to set an example for my family.  I do believe that a happy, bright spirit in a person can bring light to others around them, so that's my goal.  Even though I don't succeed at this every day, I sure do try.

I'm very happy to report that my wonderful husband has been great about coming home earlier each day during the week to spend time with us in the evening.  That's been a huge change from before.  I think he started to realize how much he misses with Kayla not seeing her as often & not to mention the time that he & I get to spend together in the evenings is nice as well.  He's also helped with a few small projects around the house which is awesome, some of which I didn't even have to remind him of.

Valentine's Day...
My hubby made me a homemade steak dinner, with salad & corn!  Yum!  Yum!  He bought me the sweetest card & the "Breaking Dawn" movie.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better Valentine's Day this year.  It was truly awesome!  I love you honey.

Even though we still have a lot of challenges ahead, we've most definitely have made some huge strides.

I know this is short & sweet... but for now, that's all I have time for.  More updates to come.

Week 13-15

This week marks 15 weeks since we started counseling with Paula & attempting to repair & restore our marriage.

The last time Fred saw Paula was on November 16th, 3 weeks ago.  So far he hasn't mentioned when or if he's going to make another appointment with her.  I'm trying to be patient, but that's hard to do.  I want him to be motivated in making the effort to make the appointments on his own without me having to ask or remind him.

I wrote Paula a letter the other day & mailed it old fashion "snail mail" to her.  (I don't have her email address)  I just wanted to express my over all feelings & highlight some things I think we've made progress with.  It was a little bit of everything all wrapped up in 2 pages.  I can't explain why I decided to sit down & write her a letter, it just felt like the right thing to do, so that's what I did.

I'm really thinking next week I will call & see if I can make an appointment with her for myself.  Even if Fred doesn't take the lead on making his next appointment or being motivated to do so... well that doesn't hold me back from going to Paula for myself.  I've learned a lot from her & she helps me see things in a different way.  It's very enlightening.

As several people know, anytime I post a new blog... a very select few receive it automatically via email.  Well Fred was one of those people.  I say was... because that's in the past tense now.  After a not-so-nice conversation between us about a month ago, I removed him from the list.  It's not like he can't go to the website & still read it, he's always more than welcome to do that, but it's just not conveniently delivered to his email anymore.  He said my blog was stupid, blah blah blah... which really set me off.  If he didn't like my blog or wished that I remove him from the list, it could have been said in a completely different manor.

The only reason I have this blog in the first place is strictly for myself.  When I write, I feel relaxed.  Even though I know sometimes I tend to be a little over the top crazy, but it's all in fun.  It gives me the opportunity to just say whatever is on my mind, even if I'm a little nuts at times.

We just have to take it one day at a time with baby steps.  My hope is one day soon, it will start to get a little easier.

Hugs to everyone - good night!

Living with the Passive Agressive Man

I've been reading the book, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  I will admit... parts of this book feel like they wrote it based on Fred.
I was really starting to doubt myself & wonder if maybe I'm asking to much sometimes... maybe I'm pushy... maybe I'm bitchy... maybe all my complaints are truly ridiculous & I'm the one who needs to lighten up.  After I started reading this book, a bright light bulb shined in my face & said, "you aren't really a bitch after all".  Although reading a book doesn't exactly "fix" anything in my marriage, it does help me to feel better & not beat myself up so much about everything.

So far this book is truly amazing to me.  I never would have thought that anyone else would have understood exactly what I'm dealing with or going through, but as it turns out, I'm not alone!

Unfortunately I have an example from today.

Last night before we hung up the phone, he said he would call me this morning around 8-9am.

When I woke up this morning & Kayla got up & around... I noticed low & behold she had TWO teeth that came through.  How exciting right?  Well to me it was very exciting & I couldn't wait for Fred to call so I could tell him about her teeth finally coming through!

8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, 12pm... then 12:30pm rolls around... nothing.  In the meantime I had called at varies times & hadn't gotten any answer until he finally picked up at 12:30.

What are you doing?
Um... waiting for you to call...
Oh, just got cows off the neighbors property.
Um... you said you would call around 8-9ish this morning, but I hadn't heard from you.  I called several times & sent you a text earlier.
(yelling) Well I was getting cows off the neighbors property, so get over it!
Click... I hung up.

Seriously?  Anytime I call him out on anything, he has an immediate excuse in return.

So I sent him a text about an hour later letting him know that I was awaiting his phone call this morning to tell him the exciting news about Kayla's 2 teeth & that by acting the way he did, he's missing out on these things.  He did text me back & said he shouldn't have yelled at me & thanked me for letting him know about Kayla.

Originally he told me that he would be coming in around 3-4ish today.  He waited until 6pm to send me a text & let me know that he wouldn't be in until tomorrow.

I sent him a text back saying, "you said you would be here around 3-4ish today, then you wait until 6pm to text me you're not coming in until tomorrow.  Do you see where I'm coming from?  It's called communication."

His response:  Yes, I tried to send that earlier it did not go through.
My interpretation:  ANOTHER EXCUSE

Where do I draw the line?  We are going through counseling with Paula & just when I think we might be making some progress, we take 100 steps backwards & we're in the same mud hole again.

Maybe if he moves out he will be more motivated to make some changes.  Maybe just maybe he will realize he doesn't want to lose his family & then step up to the plate & do what ever it takes.

The honest truth is, I just don't know anymore.  I just simply don't know.
On one hand, I'm not willing to give up just yet, but on the other hand, I want to give up.

I just want to be able to comfortably breathe again.  I think I deserve at least that.

Dear God, please give me the strength I need right now.

Week 12

Fred had his one-on-one appointment with Paula today.  When I asked him about it, he didn't really discuss any details.  However, he did tell me that they talked about his wreck mostly & I know that's a very emotional part of his past that is VERY hard for him to talk about with anyone.

I'm glad that he was able to discuss his emotions with Paula & hopefully it helped him.

He is suppose to call Paula & set an appointment for next week.  I'm not sure if it is going to be another one-on-one or if she wants to see both of us just yet.  I guess we'll find out when he calls.

Week 11

So after showing up at the wrong Barnes & Noble last Sunday night to pick up the book I reserved... I finally ended up at the right one on Monday during my lunch break.  Guess I should've verified more specific directions instead of ,"is this the store on May Ave", not realizing there were two stores on May Ave, the difference being they are about 10 miles apart.  Ugh.
This is just how my luck runs most of the time though, so I'm use to it by now.  No worries.

So far the book is great!  I've been trying to read a little every night when I crawl into bed.  I do wish that Fred & I could read the book together, but instead I will look on the bright side & say that at least he's willing to read the book in the first place, right.

Last weekend, we had a good time together. His parents went out of state for a wedding & were gone the entire weekend. It was nice to not hear his phone ring off & on all the time. The best part of all, was that he was actually home with us. Saturday we went to Mathis Brothers & one other place in search of a new mattress. We ended up not buying anything, but I'm praying that it won't be to long before we make that purchase. I'm not sure how much longer my back is gonna hold up on the hard brick we've been sleeping on the past few months. Let's just say, getting up in the mornings, I feel like I should be in my 90's instead of my 30's. Every single muscle & bone hurts in my body, almost like I got into a fight during my sleep. Ugh. Not a healthy feeling at all.

Some days I feel like we take a few steps forward, but then other days I feel like we are stumbling in reverse at a high rate of speed.  More so in reverse here lately though.

Just when I think I see a small shimmer of light in the far distance... the light goes back out again.  I don't understand.  I'm worn smooth out.  I'm exhausted & just flat tired.  I feel like I'm at a loss & don't have a clue what to do anymore.  I can't make things right all by myself... it takes TWO people to make a marriage successful, not ONE.  If I thought for a minute that my actions were costing me my marriage, I would do what ever it took to change & fix those things to make it right again.  Unfortunately those are my thoughts & feelings & I can't force someone else to feel the same.  They have to want it, before it can happen.

This week neither of us saw Paula, although Fred did finally make his one-on-one appointment with her for next Wednesday.  I probably won't hear many details on how that goes, I guess we will see when that time gets here.

What a roll-a-coaster life is sometimes huh!  Some days I wish I could crawl back into bed & start the day over.  Heck, I wish I could erase a few months back & start over sometimes.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

Dear God, I need more strength.  Please.

Week 10 continued

Well we met with Paula yesterday.  It was extremely emotionally for both of us.

Sometimes I think it's easier to have a third-party involved to help both of us understand each other's point of view & to get our feelings across to each other better.  She has a way about her, that's very loving, caring, but yet pulls apart everything to allow us to see the light, so-to-say.  All in all, I really felt like we made some progress yesterday.

I know by the blog I wrote the other day... things seemed pretty bleak, but like I've said before, I write how I feel in the moment & that's just how it is.  People can judge me if they want, because it honestly doesn't affect me.

Some days are good & some days aren't so good for us.  We both have a lot of work to do in order for our marriage to succeed & I feel like we're both very aware of that.

Paula gave us a book to read.  It's called, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  Basically from what she described yesterday, I think this hits the nail on the head.

The cover of the book reads... "Does he tell you he'll meet you at 7:30 and then show up an hour late?"  "Does he tell you he's angry but won't tell you why?"  Wow... I can't wait to read this book.  Fred already started reading it last night, so I decided that since we are apparently not going to read this one together... I will go buy my own, so I don't have to wait until he's finished before I can start on it.  I already called Barnes & Noble & they have it waiting for me at the front desk so I can stop by & pick it up tomorrow.

Paula suggested that Fred come by himself next time, so they can chat about a few things from his past that he really needs to be able to let go of, cope with & put behind him.  I couldn't agree more.  I love my husband more than anything & even though I know this is going to be a muddy road to walk down... I'm absolutely willing to do it, as long as he's willing to put forth the extremely hard effort it will take on his part.

I know that Paula could feel the desperate state that we're currently in.  I have faith that she will be able to lead us back to a better place with each other & on the road to building a strong foundation for our family.

Even though we've only been married a little over a year now & we are already going through some difficult times... I'm trying to look at this all in a positive way.  I'm glad that we are experiencing these things now in the beginning of our marriage, because I think this will not only bring us closer together, but I really think the bond between us could be truly amazing.  I have hope & I have faith in this.

I realized yesterday, that I'm just not willing to give up yet.  I'm not willing to throw in the towel on our marriage, despite what I say in my moments of frustration.  Although, I do know that I have to draw the line somewhere & if Fred decides to not step up to the plate & show he's willing to do what ever it takes then... well unfortunately I will have to draw the line & make that tough decision to go our seperate ways.  I strongly hope it doesn't come to that though.

Dear God, please give us the strength to over come these tough times & see us through to the better side.  Amen.

Week 10

Well here we are... week 10.  Fred finally made an appointment for us to see Paula this upcoming Friday.  I was starting to wonder if we were ever going back.

Last Sunday, was another difficult day for us.  After he had been gone most of the week, he promised that we would do a little shopping together Sunday & spend some family time together.  He said he needed to go feed & move some calves first, so I pushed him out the door right after Kayla had her breakfast, in hopes he would return by noon like he said he would.  I figured the earlier he got out the door, the more likely he would actually return by noon time.

2:30pm rolled around & he finally called, but only to ask if we wanted to go to lunch with his parents.  He said that he really wanted his parents to see Kayla & acted a little pissy with me, but Kayla had just fallen asleep for her afternoon nap about 10 minutes before he called.  I wasn't about to wake her up when I had been fighting with her to take a nap for almost an hour, ugh.  I told him that if he wanted to go eat with his parents, then go ahead.  He said, no & that he was fixing to head home.  So I waited...

4:30pm rolls around... I'm quite pissed off by this point.  So I call.  And call.  And call.  Finally he calls me back to say that he's been working doing whatever & that he had decided to meet his dad at the clinic to help treat a dog & was fixing to head that way to do that.

What happened to getting home at noon to spend time with the family?  Going shopping?  Apparently I missed something somewhere.  Seems like this happens quite often.  Needless to say I was fairly short with him on the phone.

I then load Kayla up & we head to Target to do some much needed shopping.

5:30pm rolls around.  He sends me a text & says that if I want to come pick him up at the clinic he will go shopping with us... Really?  Seriously?  I replied & let him know we had been at Target for awhile & left it at that.

After we checked out at Target, loaded everything in the truck to head home... Kayla decided to have a potty disaster.  Yeah... and guess who somehow forgot to pack wipes?  I had a plan of stopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond after Target, but that was out of the question now.  The new plan of action was to head home & clean little miss Love Bug up.

To make a long story short... he was then suppose to arrive home at 7:30pm, but called yet AGAIN & ended up not showing up until somewhere between 8:30-9:00.

Why me?

One of our big issues is the fact that he always puts Kayla & I last on the list & sometimes I question whether we're even on his list.  We've been discussing this in counseling, on more than one occasion & I really thought he understood or was trying to understand where I'm coming from.  Your marriage & family are suppose to be #1 no matter what.  If you & your spouse don't have a healthy relationship/marriage, then everything downfalls from there.

I refuse for my daughter to grow up being disappointed because daddy couldn't make it home in time to take us somewhere & all because he had to work on something that could have easily waited until the next day.  Broken promises, I won't have it.

The problem is that my hubby can't say no to his dad... when his dad asks him to do something even if he has commited himself to coming home by noon, for what ever reasons, he won't stand up & tell him that he has made plans to spend time with his family & the task can wait until tomorrow or another day.  The way I see it, is that he has absolutely no voice with him.  I know it's gotta be hard for him to say something when it's family he works with & for... but then again, when is it our turn?  When does my hubby stand up for our family?  So far, it hasn't happened yet.  This saddens me in more ways than one.  I hate the fact that my husband is seemingly scared of his father & doesn't have enough courage to stand up to him even when it's standing up for his own family (me & Kayla).

There is no question in my mind, that if my job was jeopardizing my marriage or family in any way... I would find a different job, period.  My family is more important to me than anything else & I will always put them #1.  I just wish my husband felt the same way.  I know it's harder for him, because he works for family & this is all he's known & all he's worked his entire life, but where do you draw the line?

We have a lot of obstacles to over come (putting it lightly) & to be brutally honest, right now I'm not real sure we are going to over come them.  I feel like I've been pushed to the edge so many times, that I'm just exhausted & numb from all of it.  I'm tired of fighting for my marriage by myself.  I'm tired of being disappointed & hurt.  I'm just flat tired.

I know life is not a big scoop of yummy ice cream all the time.
I know this & I don't expect it to be.  The problem is that it takes two people to make a successful marriage & lately I don't feel like both of us are working equally as hard.

By the time Fred got home Sunday evening... I was drained.  Mentally & physically drained from the day.  Once again, I waited around for him to arrive... first by noon, then by 3pm... then again by 6pm, then again by 7:30pm.  So when he finally rolled in at almost 9pm... yeah... I was done.  Ready to throw in the towel.  Ready to say, pack your bags & move back in with your parents because that's where you spend most of your time anyways.  Seriously.

So unfortunately, that was a horrible start for the week.

I wish I could snap my fingers & everything get better & we get back to a happier place again... but it doesn't work that way.

I'm not sure what the rest of the week will bring yet.  I'm looking forward to seeing Paula on Friday.  I'm a little lost & ready to scream at this point & I need some sound advice.

Week 8-9

Well technically, this is week 9, but we haven't been to see Paula together since September 28th & I had my one-on-one appointment with her on October 12th.

So it's officially been, as of tomorrow, 4 weeks since we have seen Paula together.  Wow.

It's been one thing or another I guess.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about the fact we haven't been.  I know I'm not happy about it, but I feel like some things are out of my control.

Fred has been saying he would call & make us an appointment, but again... that has yet to happen.  Very frustrating to say the least.

I know he was sick, then out of town trying to plant wheat & all, then this week I had the Jr Rodeo Banquet last night, etc.  I don't know... seems like a bunch of excuses to me.

I wrote him a letter last weekend, expressing my feelings about what I feel we've made progress with & other things that I would like us to work on.

Date night would be one of those things.  It still hasn't happened & the more time that passes it just feels almost pointless to mention it.  Why should I have to keep reminding him how important this is?  When or if date night ever comes... it really doesn't hold much value for me at this point.  I know that's sad to say, but that's just how I feel.

Although, he keeps promissing that after he's finished planting wheat that we'll have more time together.  I hate to say this, but I have my doubts.

Don't get me wrong, we've made progress in some areas.  It's just frustrating for me that some of the most important things have still gone un-touched I guess.

I know my mood lately has been a little tough too.  I'm sleep deprived & just physically & mentally exhausted.  I'm starting to wonder if I will ever catch up on my sleep again & I feel like I have a headache 24 hrs a day anymore.  Ugh.  A little stressed to I guess.

I'm still trying to look on the bright side, smile, keep my chin up & say a few prayers from time to time in hopes things will get better soon.

Please... God give me strength!

Week 7

Week 7 - October 12th

Fred was not able to attend our appointment because he was out in western Oklahoma doing the cattle stuff.  So I decided to go by myself to see Paula.

We had a really good chat, as we always do.  I have to admit I was a little disappointed that Fred was unable to come with me, but I think it was good that I was able to have that time by myself to talk to Paula though.

She asked the typical questions about how everything had been going, have there been any arguments/disagreements, if we had date night yet, etc.  I was sad to report that there still hasn't been a date night.

I expressed my frustrations with everything.  Especially date night & how I feel that I'm over looked, put to the side, almost as if he doesn't feel I'm deserving of a night out or he would make more of an effort to schedule something.

How random tasks that I ask of him to help me with... somehow never get done.  It feels like he hears my requests, but yet choses to put them to the side, ignore or completely forget about them altogether.  Then I take on the "nagging" roll of kindly reminding him time & time again... but unfortunately that doesn't work either.  The tasks still go undone.  With some things, I typically go ahead & just do them myself, because well... I asked for help for a reason & if it's something that needs done in a timely manor, I'm left with no other choice than to figure it out myself & make the time or find someone else to help me (which is kinda embarressing).

Sometimes I feel like the maid, instead of a wife.  I hate that feeling.  Absolutely hate it.

I've tried to express my feelings to him so many times that I'm blue in the face.  Again... he hears my frustrations, hurt & anger... and usually things get better for a few days, but then we go right back to the same mudhole.  He always apologizes, says things will get better, that he is trying & will try harder.  But I'm so tired of hearing I'm sorry, I want to actually see some effort.  If he completes one project/task that I've requested help with, then nothing else gets done for weeks/months at a time after that.  It's almost like he feels he's done his one good deed for the year & I should be satisfied with that.  Ugh, frustration.

The stress of everything really gets to me sometimes.  I want so badly for everything to be right with us again.

Some days I feel hope & others, I feel like I'm running into a brick wall at 100mph.

Fred was suppose to call Paula yesterday, then again today... to schedule our next appointment, but he hasn't yet.  So I'm not real sure when our next appointment will be.

Week 5-6

Week 5 - September 28th

We had a little homework to do after our visit last week.  I finished mine & Fred was working on his as soon as we arrived at Paula's house.  I felt like he should've put a little more effort in to making sure he had his papers filled out before our appointment.  I didn't say anything though.

At every appointment it seems like I learn something new, or I see something in a different light.

Paula talked to us about having a "date night" a few weeks ago, but that has yet to happen.  It doesn't feel the same when you feel like you have to ask for a night out.  If he came up with the idea on his own, then it would mean so much more to me.  Like maybe if he felt like I deserved a night out & away from everything.  A special treat I guess.  A night thought.

Week 6 - October 5th

We ended up cancelling our appointment tonight.

Yesterday his truck decided to quit working, so I picked him up at his parents house on my way home from work.  Then after I dropped him off at home & headed to pick up Kayla... my truck decided not to start at my parents house, go figure right?  Anyways, Fred didn't feel good today & he was trying to get the broke truck loaded on the flatbed in order to take it to the shop tomorrow.  So with all of that, we decided to cancel our appointment with Paula tonight.  We re-scheduled for next Wednesday though, so we're still on track.

If it's not one thing, it's always something else, isn't it?

I've been working from home some in the evenings too.  So that cuts the evenings a little shorter than they already are.  I'm still in the process of cleaning up the den/office area & that's taking a lot longer than what I had hoped for.  It's just hard & impossible to do everything yourself though.  There are only so many hours in each day & only so many free hours in the evenings as well.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Week 4

Last Wednesday was week #4 to see Paula & our second appointment together.  We both had one-on-one visits with her over the past two weeks as well.

We had a great visit.  Our appointment lasted almost 2 hours, instead of the usual 1 hour.  It was a good thing though.

Paula is just the perfect counselor.  Fred couldn't have picked a better choice I swear it.  She is just so warm & we both feel absolutely comfortable with her.

I really feel like we're making some progress since we've started seeing her too.

There's no doubt that we've had a lot of bumps in the road & obsticles to overcome.  The most important thing though, is that we both want everything to work & we're determined to make things right & get our relationship on the right path again.

We've truly been blessed with a wonderful family & by that I mean, the two of us & our precious sweetheart Kayla.  We also have a great extended family as well, along with tons of supportive friends that always stand beside us.

Our next appointment is this Wednesday.

Fred & I both look forward to each visit now.

Fred's One-on-One update

Sorry it has taken me a few days to write the update from almost a week ago...

Fred did call back later that evening & we talked about his meeting with Paula in more detail.  He was in a much better mood too.

Just one day at a time right now.  We are definitely making progress.  I just need to step back & realize that it's not all going to happen over night.  Even though I really wish that it would... that's not reality.

We have another appointment with Paula this Wednesday & we are both looking forward to it.

Fred's One-on-One

This morning Fred has his one-on-one with Paula.  He called me afterwards to tell me everything went ok, but since I was at work, we didn't really discuss anything more than that.  I just told him I would call him when I was leaving work.

Around 3:30pm, he called to tell me that he was headed out west to take care of some things that just came up.  He briefly tried to explain, but he wasn't even sure of all the details yet.  He needed to drop by my work on his way out because he left his checkbook in my truck a few days ago.  So around 4:30 he arrived & I met him outside to unlock my truck & give him his checkbook.  We only spoke briefly & then away he went.

Around 9pm, since I had gotten home from my rodeo meeting & put Kayla nite-nite, I decided to call & see how things were going with him.  He had just gotten to the house (out west) & so I figured we might have a conversation in more detail about his appointment with Paula.

Nope.  He was kinda pissy.  He said he had a stressful day & briefly said a few things about what him & Paula talked about & that was that.  I told him that obviously he wasn't in the mood to talk so I would let him go.  He said he was going to look for something to eat & would call me later.

That's where we left it.  Not quite how things went after my one-on-one.  I came home & had a discussion with him about my appointment.

Hell maybe we're not suppose to discuss what we talk about in our one-on-one's with each other.  I'm clueless at this point.  I guess since I discussed things with him in more detail, I assumed he would do the same.

ASSUME = ASS out of U and ME

Enough said there.

Maybe he'll call back in a bright chipper mood later.  My fingers are crossed.