Week 13-15

This week marks 15 weeks since we started counseling with Paula & attempting to repair & restore our marriage.

The last time Fred saw Paula was on November 16th, 3 weeks ago.  So far he hasn't mentioned when or if he's going to make another appointment with her.  I'm trying to be patient, but that's hard to do.  I want him to be motivated in making the effort to make the appointments on his own without me having to ask or remind him.

I wrote Paula a letter the other day & mailed it old fashion "snail mail" to her.  (I don't have her email address)  I just wanted to express my over all feelings & highlight some things I think we've made progress with.  It was a little bit of everything all wrapped up in 2 pages.  I can't explain why I decided to sit down & write her a letter, it just felt like the right thing to do, so that's what I did.

I'm really thinking next week I will call & see if I can make an appointment with her for myself.  Even if Fred doesn't take the lead on making his next appointment or being motivated to do so... well that doesn't hold me back from going to Paula for myself.  I've learned a lot from her & she helps me see things in a different way.  It's very enlightening.

As several people know, anytime I post a new blog... a very select few receive it automatically via email.  Well Fred was one of those people.  I say was... because that's in the past tense now.  After a not-so-nice conversation between us about a month ago, I removed him from the list.  It's not like he can't go to the website & still read it, he's always more than welcome to do that, but it's just not conveniently delivered to his email anymore.  He said my blog was stupid, blah blah blah... which really set me off.  If he didn't like my blog or wished that I remove him from the list, it could have been said in a completely different manor.

The only reason I have this blog in the first place is strictly for myself.  When I write, I feel relaxed.  Even though I know sometimes I tend to be a little over the top crazy, but it's all in fun.  It gives me the opportunity to just say whatever is on my mind, even if I'm a little nuts at times.

We just have to take it one day at a time with baby steps.  My hope is one day soon, it will start to get a little easier.

Hugs to everyone - good night!

4 Teeth

Kayla officially has 4 teeth now... watch out I think in the next few days she might have a whole mouth full.  Seems like over night two more appeared on the bottom.  This morning is when the 4th one finally came through on the bottom.  I could tell it was fixing to make its appearance, but ya never know exactly when that will happen, you just have to keep checking every day.

Her teeth are so cute!  They are so little & adorable.

I bought her a toothbrush & toothpaste awhile back & tried to start brushing her first top teeth but she wasn't having any part of that.  She clinched her lips tight together & wouldn't even allow the toothbrush near her.  Guess we'll have to keep working on that one.  So far, I haven't been successful at even getting the toothbrush in her mouth yet.

I've been dying to get a picture of her itty bitty teeth, but I haven't been successful at that either.  Everytime I have the camera ready & snap a shot, she somehow closes her mouth at the exact moment the picture was snapped.  Go figure, right.

In less than a week, she will be 1 year old.  Ugh, I'm so not emotionally ready for this.  She's already growing to fast... what do I do?  I haven't heard the words mama yet either, so I'm still patiently awaiting that every day.  She's babbling more & more each day, so I'm sure it won't be long now.  I'm just so anxious to hear those words though!

I bought some of her birthday party stuff a few days ago, so I'm kinda prepared for next weekend.  We are just planning a small gathering with cake & ice cream, nothing to major.

Sadly, Friday on her actual birthday we have my company Christmas party that night.  It's only for a few hours though, so that won't be so bad.  My BFF Kat & her husband are coming up to spend the night & go to the party with us.  It's been really nice since Kat & I work together now, we get to see each other more than ever before & spend our lunches & breaks together.  Now if I could somehow convince them to move closer... hmmm... I'll have to keep working on that one.

Hopefully little Love Bug sleeps all night tonight.  Last night she slept from 8-midnight then decided to wake up & wasn't in the mood to go back to sleep for awhile.  I rocked her until she was content then she finally passed back out again.  This morning she didn't take a nap, then when I was getting ready to feed her lunch, she passed smooth out in her high-chair, so I scooped her up & laid her in bed for a much needed nap.  She slept for a little while, but then was back up & ready to play again.  When she awoke from her afternoon nap, she was crying & very upset.  I'm thinking her teeth were bothering her pretty bad.  She seemed so worn out & ended up passing back out in my arms while I was holding her, so I just held her & let her sleep in my arms for over an hour.  She needed the rest & of course I didn't mind holding her while she slept either.  I enjoy every single one of these moments.

Hopefully she'll be able to sleep better tonight & wake up happy in the morning!

4 day Thanksgiving

It was so incredibly nice to have 4 days off work for Thanksgiving!  I felt like we got a lot accomplished over the weekend too.

Thanksgiving Day we went to my brother's house for lunch & ended up staying until almost 3pm.  Then we stopped by Fred's parents house to say hi before heading home for the day.  Poor Kayla was absolutely exhausted by the time we arrived home.

She has a routine every day & when her routine gets out of whack, it takes her the whole day after to recoop & get back on track again.

I'm not one of those crazy Black Friday shoppers, so I didn't leave the house at all Friday except later that evening to go grab some dinner for us.  I will admit it was tempting, especially with all the good deals going on, but I just can't convince myself to actually get out & do it.

I spent most of the weekend working around the house, trying to get the den in order, cleaning & random other things.

Saturday my parents watched Kayla for a few hours while we went in search of a new bed.  A few weeks ago we stopped in Mathis Brothers & I have to say that I will never shop there again.  That place is completely nutts!  You barely get in the door & 90 sales people are waiting to attack you, oh I hate that.  I don't like being harrassed when I'm trying to shop, not to mention there's one million other people in the store at the same time & each with a sales person following them around everywhere. Ugh.  So Saturday we went to Bob Bills & we had a great experience there.  The sales guy that helped us, was nice.  The atmosphere was more calm & not so crazy.  The best part was that we found a bed & bought it!  Despite my reservations about buying a King size bed, that's what we ended up with.  They had a special deal going... King size for the price of the Queen & the King size came with sheets & pillows.  What a deal, huh!  Then we browsed the discount section & found a headboard for $68, woohoo.  Needless to say, Saturday was a great day for us.

We ordered the lower profile box springs so our bed wasn't ready to be picked up until yesterday.  After nurse Shirley left, Fred & I hooked up the trailer & headed to Bob Mills to claim our new bed.  By the time we got that loaded, back home again, then rushed around to get everything moved around & set up... it was 8pm by the time we picked Kayla back up from my parents house.  But let me tell you... that was the best nights sleep I've had in a long long time.  Just like sleeping on a cloud I tell ya!

Sunday I spent most of the day, cleaning house, doing laundry & all the usual house hold chores that come every week.

It was just so nice to have enough days off work that I didn't feel rushed around to get everything done in two days like usual.  Since Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, we are only getting that following Monday off work.  I'm seriously considering taking off a few extra days in there somewhere, just to have a little extra time.  I'm not sure how or if I can swing that just yet, but I definitely plan on looking into it.

We have a lot to be thankful for this year as we always do.  Great family & friends & most of all our beautiful little love bug Kayla.  It warmed my heart to be able to spend more time with her over the 4 day holiday, I enjoyed every minute.

Living with the Passive Agressive Man

I've been reading the book, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  I will admit... parts of this book feel like they wrote it based on Fred.
I was really starting to doubt myself & wonder if maybe I'm asking to much sometimes... maybe I'm pushy... maybe I'm bitchy... maybe all my complaints are truly ridiculous & I'm the one who needs to lighten up.  After I started reading this book, a bright light bulb shined in my face & said, "you aren't really a bitch after all".  Although reading a book doesn't exactly "fix" anything in my marriage, it does help me to feel better & not beat myself up so much about everything.

So far this book is truly amazing to me.  I never would have thought that anyone else would have understood exactly what I'm dealing with or going through, but as it turns out, I'm not alone!

Unfortunately I have an example from today.

Last night before we hung up the phone, he said he would call me this morning around 8-9am.

When I woke up this morning & Kayla got up & around... I noticed low & behold she had TWO teeth that came through.  How exciting right?  Well to me it was very exciting & I couldn't wait for Fred to call so I could tell him about her teeth finally coming through!

8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, 12pm... then 12:30pm rolls around... nothing.  In the meantime I had called at varies times & hadn't gotten any answer until he finally picked up at 12:30.

What are you doing?
Um... waiting for you to call...
Oh, just got cows off the neighbors property.
Um... you said you would call around 8-9ish this morning, but I hadn't heard from you.  I called several times & sent you a text earlier.
(yelling) Well I was getting cows off the neighbors property, so get over it!
Click... I hung up.

Seriously?  Anytime I call him out on anything, he has an immediate excuse in return.

So I sent him a text about an hour later letting him know that I was awaiting his phone call this morning to tell him the exciting news about Kayla's 2 teeth & that by acting the way he did, he's missing out on these things.  He did text me back & said he shouldn't have yelled at me & thanked me for letting him know about Kayla.

Originally he told me that he would be coming in around 3-4ish today.  He waited until 6pm to send me a text & let me know that he wouldn't be in until tomorrow.

I sent him a text back saying, "you said you would be here around 3-4ish today, then you wait until 6pm to text me you're not coming in until tomorrow.  Do you see where I'm coming from?  It's called communication."

His response:  Yes, I tried to send that earlier it did not go through.
My interpretation:  ANOTHER EXCUSE

Where do I draw the line?  We are going through counseling with Paula & just when I think we might be making some progress, we take 100 steps backwards & we're in the same mud hole again.

Maybe if he moves out he will be more motivated to make some changes.  Maybe just maybe he will realize he doesn't want to lose his family & then step up to the plate & do what ever it takes.

The honest truth is, I just don't know anymore.  I just simply don't know.
On one hand, I'm not willing to give up just yet, but on the other hand, I want to give up.

I just want to be able to comfortably breathe again.  I think I deserve at least that.

Dear God, please give me the strength I need right now.

OSU Tragedy

So sad... once again tragedy strikes OSU.  I first heard the news on the radio this morning.

Friday, November 18, 2011, Oklahoma State University women’s basketball coach Kurt Budke and assistant women’s basketball coach Miranda Serna were killed along with two others Thursday night in a plane crash in Perry County, Arkansas.

Now let's take a step back a few years...

On Jan. 27, 2001, three airplanes carrying nearly three dozen members of Oklahoma State's basketball program left Jefferson County Airport near Boulder, Colorado, on a snowy Saturday night bound for Stillwater.
One of the planes, a twin-engine Beech King Air 200, crashed on a snowy hillside near Denver. There were no survivors.  Ten men, ten lives. Gone in an instant.

Kendall Durfey, 38, was a radio engineer for the Cowboy Network. Bjorn Fahlstrom, 30, sat in the co-pilot's seat. Nate Fleming, 20, was a freshman guard. Will Hancock, 31, was the media relations coordinator. Daniel Lawson, 21, was a junior guard. Brian Luinstra, 29, was a trainer. Denver Mills, 55, was the pilot. Pat Noyes, 27, was the director of basketball operations. Bill Teegins, 48, was the play-by-play voice of the Cowboys. Jared Weiberg, 22, was a student manager.

When tragedy strikes... it makes you take a step back & think about how short life can be.  Nobody knows when their last day will arrive.  All those who passed were still young.  Most were younger than I am.  It definitely puts a lump in my throat thinking about it.

To top it off OSU lost their game tonight.  Boo.  Winning might have brought a little sunshine to a gloomy day for them.  That just sucks.

Well I hope everyone says a prayer tonight for all the families of those lost in the plane crash.  So very sad.

OSU fan in the making

Well here is our OSU fan in the making!  She is sporting an OSU hoodie that was handed down to her from her cousins.  Very cute, huh!

To go along with the awesome OSU hoodie... well there is that precious heart melting smile of hers!

We still haven't seen any teeth poke through yet.  I'm also still patiently waiting to here "mama" come out of her mouth.

Her birthday is coming up quickly & I'm not even remotely prepared.  I'm thinking she needs a zebra theme, but I haven't made up my mind just yet.  My plan is to make a cake for the adults & cupcakes for the kids.  That way Kayla can have a cupcake to distroy instead of a chunk of cake.  We don't plan on having a big shin-dig or anything.  Just immediate family & a few friends.

I am looking forward to the future when she wants to have girl sleep overs & girly birthday parties though.  I'm sure that will be fun but possibly exhausting for me, ha ha.

Everyone keeps saying we need to cut her hair because it's grown so long in the back & looks funny... well... I'm not cutting it because I don't want to & that's what I have to say about that!  Even though she has some what of a mullet going on... personally I think it's cute & when the time is right, then we will cut it.  Until then, it's perfect the way that it is!

The one thing I am dreading that is coming up... is her one year shots.  Ugh.  She's done so well the past two times, I hope this time is just as good.

Week 12

Fred had his one-on-one appointment with Paula today.  When I asked him about it, he didn't really discuss any details.  However, he did tell me that they talked about his wreck mostly & I know that's a very emotional part of his past that is VERY hard for him to talk about with anyone.

I'm glad that he was able to discuss his emotions with Paula & hopefully it helped him.

He is suppose to call Paula & set an appointment for next week.  I'm not sure if it is going to be another one-on-one or if she wants to see both of us just yet.  I guess we'll find out when he calls.

Conner is officially 1

Well it's official... tomorrow my sweet little grandbaby Conner is 1 year old now.  How is this even possible?

I think the funniest thing is that Kayla was suppose to be born before him & everything turned out the opposite & Conner decided to show up early.  Thankfully though, he was healthy & absolutely perfect.  He ended up staying a few nights in the hospital, but of course we were all just very thankful for his healthy arrival.

I know it might seem a little weird that I call him my grandbaby even though he's not technically flesh & blood to me, but hey... I love him just like he might as well be.  In my opinion that's all that matters.

Rach had his birthday party on Sunday, so Kayla & I headed to the big town of Orlando for the party.  Fred didn't end up going with me.  He was suppose to head out to Carter with a load of hay.  There was a ton of people there.  Conner got so many presents he got tired of opening them, ha ha.  I guess you can say, he's very loved... that's for sure!  I'm crossing my fingers that Kayla doesn't end up with near that many.  She's only turning 1 - she doesn't need that much, right?

I didn't get to really spend any time with Conner, because there was so many people there & so much was going on it was overwhelming for him I'm sure.  He got a little cranky after awhile but once he got into the cake he was happy & content again.  I know for a little one... it must be hard to open a present & not be able to just concentrate on playing with that one for awhile before having to move onto opening another one.  I can see the frustration there.  I would have to say overall though, he did great with everything!

I was hoping to get a few pics of him & Kayla together, but unfortunately I didn't.  Hopefully at Kayla's upcoming birthday party I can get some though.  I think that would be too cute.

I'm so proud of Rach.  She's done so well in her life & that just makes me so happy.  Especially to watch her with Conner, it's cute.  She informed me the other day that if all goes well, she will finally be graduating college in December... woohoo!  The funny part is that she won't find out how she did on her finals until after she walks across the stage, but hey I think if she gets to walk across the stage then that should be a for sure graduation, don't ya think?

People who don't know our situation, well it's sometimes hard to explain to them.  I typically get a funny look of confusion, but that doesn't bother me.  The fact is, that Rach & I have a strong bond & I truly believe it will always be that way.  We've gone through some difficult times together & always came out better on the other side.  I made a promise to her many many years ago that no matter what I would always be a part of her life & that was a promise that I planned on keeping.  Rach means the world to me & I love her as if she is my very own.

I believe that even though sometimes we may not understand the way our lives twist & turn, there is always a reason for the road in which we end up taking.  Sometimes it's a bumpy one, no doubt.  I have to say though... it's always worked out for the better.

Happy birthday to my sweet Conner - nana loves you!

Date Night

A long time coming now... Fred & I finally had a date night Saturday night.  My mother-n-law came over to our house to watch Kayla.  She got here about 7:30pm & then we headed out.  Our original plan was to catch a movie & eat somewhere.  Unfortunately the next show times were around 10pm or so.  With that, we decided to head to Bed Bath & Beyond to do a little shopping with the gift cards we still had left from our wedding... yeah from over a year ago.  Sad, I know.

I'm extremely happy to announce that I became the proud new owner of a KichenAid Artisan Mixer!  Oh, isn't it just beautiful... I love it!  So I've been wanting one of these for like EVER now & the broke down hand held mixer I've had for 100 years kicked the bucket many years ago.

We looked the store over before we made our decision.  There are several things I would like to have from there, but this mixer is better than anything else in my opinion.

I'm not a professional cake baker by any means, but I do like to cook & bake though.

After we left Bed Bath & Beyond, we stopped at Walgreen's to pick up my medication, which I thought was going to be a quick stop, boy was I wrong.  They had the prescription wrong & I ended up having to wait for them to correct it... in the meantime a whole slew of people decided to come to the pharmacy, so the line went from being just me to like 8 more people.  Needless to say, we were in Walgreen's longer than what we had planned on.

Since we hadn't eaten at Applebees in awhile we decided to go there for dinner.  We walked in the door & low & behold they were having karaoke night... since when did Applebees start doing this?  Good grief it was loud in there.  I was close to turning around & walking back out the door to go somewhere else, but I figured what the heck we're already here, maybe it won't be that bad.  We sat down & ordered our drinks & food.  I was in the mood for chicken fried chicken, steamed veggies w/mash potato's & gravy - oh yum!  When our food came, my mash potato's were hiding under my chicken fried chicken & there was no gravy, ugh not cool.  I requested gravy for my mash potato's & the waitress informs me that it will cost extra for that.  Who doesn't like gravy with their mash potato's, geez.  Fred quickly told her he didn't care if there was a charge, just to bring it anyways.  The time span between the waitress leaving the table to put the order in for my extra gravy & the time it actually arrived... well lets just say Fred was completely done eating & I had finished my veggies & half of the chicken fried chicken.  What a crock.  I was not happy with this experience.  The wait staff & manager seemed to busy trying to karaoke instead of wait on their customers.  I think I will wait awhile before going back there to eat again.

After leaving Applebees we decided to run by Wal-Mart to grab a few things we needed before heading home.  Wow... the most interesting people show up at Wal-Mart late at night.  As I was looking at little girl clothes, two young guys approached me & started pointing & singing to me.  Yes, you heard that right... just randomly started singing to me.  Then they laughed & said "did we embarrass you", my response was, "no I think you're embarrassing yourself more than anything".  They quickly walked off, arms around each other, skipping & singing away.  Odd, huh.  Wait it gets better.  So then I walk off to find Fred & ask him if he heard the singing, he said he heard it but wasn't sure what the heck it was.  Ha Ha

While walking through the dairy isle to grab some yogurt, I passed a guy that had the tattoo "Jesus Freak" in HUGE letters down his arm.  Then a guy wearing skin tight purple jeans had on so much colonge that I think he was determined to kill me... well he seemed to end up on every isle we were.
This is just a touch of our date night evening Saturday night.  Crazy huh.  Even though it was definitely an interesting evening... we still had fun.  It's always nice to get out & do something once & awhile.

Now I just hope it happens again in the near future without me having to ask or beg for it.

Week 11

So after showing up at the wrong Barnes & Noble last Sunday night to pick up the book I reserved... I finally ended up at the right one on Monday during my lunch break.  Guess I should've verified more specific directions instead of ,"is this the store on May Ave", not realizing there were two stores on May Ave, the difference being they are about 10 miles apart.  Ugh.
This is just how my luck runs most of the time though, so I'm use to it by now.  No worries.

So far the book is great!  I've been trying to read a little every night when I crawl into bed.  I do wish that Fred & I could read the book together, but instead I will look on the bright side & say that at least he's willing to read the book in the first place, right.

Last weekend, we had a good time together. His parents went out of state for a wedding & were gone the entire weekend. It was nice to not hear his phone ring off & on all the time. The best part of all, was that he was actually home with us. Saturday we went to Mathis Brothers & one other place in search of a new mattress. We ended up not buying anything, but I'm praying that it won't be to long before we make that purchase. I'm not sure how much longer my back is gonna hold up on the hard brick we've been sleeping on the past few months. Let's just say, getting up in the mornings, I feel like I should be in my 90's instead of my 30's. Every single muscle & bone hurts in my body, almost like I got into a fight during my sleep. Ugh. Not a healthy feeling at all.

Some days I feel like we take a few steps forward, but then other days I feel like we are stumbling in reverse at a high rate of speed.  More so in reverse here lately though.

Just when I think I see a small shimmer of light in the far distance... the light goes back out again.  I don't understand.  I'm worn smooth out.  I'm exhausted & just flat tired.  I feel like I'm at a loss & don't have a clue what to do anymore.  I can't make things right all by myself... it takes TWO people to make a marriage successful, not ONE.  If I thought for a minute that my actions were costing me my marriage, I would do what ever it took to change & fix those things to make it right again.  Unfortunately those are my thoughts & feelings & I can't force someone else to feel the same.  They have to want it, before it can happen.

This week neither of us saw Paula, although Fred did finally make his one-on-one appointment with her for next Wednesday.  I probably won't hear many details on how that goes, I guess we will see when that time gets here.

What a roll-a-coaster life is sometimes huh!  Some days I wish I could crawl back into bed & start the day over.  Heck, I wish I could erase a few months back & start over sometimes.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

Dear God, I need more strength.  Please.

Forgiveness

In my random online reading awhile back, I read about forgiveness & the myths about it.  I thought it was really enlightning so I thought I would share.

3 Myths About Forgiveness

1.  Forgiveness means you condone the behavior of the person.
2.  Forgiveness means you have to maintain a relationship with the person.
3.  Forgiveness means that you forget about the incident.

All of these are absolutely untrue!

Forgiveness is releasing your own pain and anger over the past.  It's a choice to live in the present.  It's choosing to let go of whom was right or wrong.  Forgiveness gives you the freedom to live your life and not allowing someone else to control it.  If you are holding on to the anger and hurt you are allowing the person to continously hurt you over and over again.

Be grateful... for all the valuable lessons you have learned from the situation.

Remember to forgive yourself.  Don’t beat yourself up mentally for things you might have said or did or for things you wish you would have said or did.  Clear out your mind and learn to love and accept yourself just as you are.  Meditation is great way to get in tune with your inner self.  Forgiving yourself empowers you to create the changes you want in your life by accepting full responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Forgiveness is not a “one time fix”.  Often times you will need to forgive the person all over again each time you think of the situation.  In time the anger and bitterness will be a thing of the past and you can look at the situation with a peaceful heart and truly wish those that hurt you well.

When you fail to forgive, you are actually turning your back on your back on a better future. You do not want to create a future for yourself that is full of anger, hatred and resentment. FORGIVE – Keep your head up and your heart open as you walk forward in your life, creating a future that will lead to love, health and happiness!

Seriously... this makes total sense right?  Seems so simple but yet so deep.  I've never thought of forgiveness, in this way before.

Guess the more we read, the more we learn, huh!
Dang I feel really smart right now.  Ha Ha

Earthquake

Seriously, can the earth quakes please cease.  We are in Oklahoma for the love of God.

Around 10:55pm, I'm sitting at home on my computer trying to work & the ground beneath me starts shaking like no one's business.  My first thought was... "what the heck is that".  Then I immediately went to thinking... "surely it's not a....".  Yep... it's an earthquake.

Here in Oklahoma we are prepared for tornado's.  We spend lots of money installing cement holes in the ground to crawl in to when the time is upon us.

Earthquakes on the other hand... what the hell do you do when that hits ya?  You can't crawl into your cement hole, cause well that would just be stupid.

The 4.7 magnitude earthquake that hit 6 miles north of Prague at 2:12am this morning... well I have to admit I didn't feel that one at all.  Apparently we slept right through it, which is perfectly fine with me.

Here's the headlines on the internet now... 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes Oklahoma.
The quake hit at 10:53pm.  The quake was reportedly felt as far north as Grove, Oklahoma & as far south as north Texas.

So first we have a 4.7 which are followed by "aftershocks" throughout the day today & now here we are having a 5.6 tonight!  That's a little scary if you ask me.  Completely un-settling in every way possible.

October 13, 2010 - was the last earthquake I felt.  I had just sat down in my office at work when it happened.  It shook the entire building.  I was pregnant at the time so for a split second I thought I was literally losing my mind or having a nervous breakdown.  So I was relieved when everyone in the hallway started talking about how it was an earthquake.  That earthquake was a 5.1 magnitude.

Why is this happening?  It's scary.

I guess I need to start reading up on what to do when an earthquake happens, if we should have another one in the future.  Ugh.

Week 10 continued

Well we met with Paula yesterday.  It was extremely emotionally for both of us.

Sometimes I think it's easier to have a third-party involved to help both of us understand each other's point of view & to get our feelings across to each other better.  She has a way about her, that's very loving, caring, but yet pulls apart everything to allow us to see the light, so-to-say.  All in all, I really felt like we made some progress yesterday.

I know by the blog I wrote the other day... things seemed pretty bleak, but like I've said before, I write how I feel in the moment & that's just how it is.  People can judge me if they want, because it honestly doesn't affect me.

Some days are good & some days aren't so good for us.  We both have a lot of work to do in order for our marriage to succeed & I feel like we're both very aware of that.

Paula gave us a book to read.  It's called, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  Basically from what she described yesterday, I think this hits the nail on the head.

The cover of the book reads... "Does he tell you he'll meet you at 7:30 and then show up an hour late?"  "Does he tell you he's angry but won't tell you why?"  Wow... I can't wait to read this book.  Fred already started reading it last night, so I decided that since we are apparently not going to read this one together... I will go buy my own, so I don't have to wait until he's finished before I can start on it.  I already called Barnes & Noble & they have it waiting for me at the front desk so I can stop by & pick it up tomorrow.

Paula suggested that Fred come by himself next time, so they can chat about a few things from his past that he really needs to be able to let go of, cope with & put behind him.  I couldn't agree more.  I love my husband more than anything & even though I know this is going to be a muddy road to walk down... I'm absolutely willing to do it, as long as he's willing to put forth the extremely hard effort it will take on his part.

I know that Paula could feel the desperate state that we're currently in.  I have faith that she will be able to lead us back to a better place with each other & on the road to building a strong foundation for our family.

Even though we've only been married a little over a year now & we are already going through some difficult times... I'm trying to look at this all in a positive way.  I'm glad that we are experiencing these things now in the beginning of our marriage, because I think this will not only bring us closer together, but I really think the bond between us could be truly amazing.  I have hope & I have faith in this.

I realized yesterday, that I'm just not willing to give up yet.  I'm not willing to throw in the towel on our marriage, despite what I say in my moments of frustration.  Although, I do know that I have to draw the line somewhere & if Fred decides to not step up to the plate & show he's willing to do what ever it takes then... well unfortunately I will have to draw the line & make that tough decision to go our seperate ways.  I strongly hope it doesn't come to that though.

Dear God, please give us the strength to over come these tough times & see us through to the better side.  Amen.

Week 10

Well here we are... week 10.  Fred finally made an appointment for us to see Paula this upcoming Friday.  I was starting to wonder if we were ever going back.

Last Sunday, was another difficult day for us.  After he had been gone most of the week, he promised that we would do a little shopping together Sunday & spend some family time together.  He said he needed to go feed & move some calves first, so I pushed him out the door right after Kayla had her breakfast, in hopes he would return by noon like he said he would.  I figured the earlier he got out the door, the more likely he would actually return by noon time.

2:30pm rolled around & he finally called, but only to ask if we wanted to go to lunch with his parents.  He said that he really wanted his parents to see Kayla & acted a little pissy with me, but Kayla had just fallen asleep for her afternoon nap about 10 minutes before he called.  I wasn't about to wake her up when I had been fighting with her to take a nap for almost an hour, ugh.  I told him that if he wanted to go eat with his parents, then go ahead.  He said, no & that he was fixing to head home.  So I waited...

4:30pm rolls around... I'm quite pissed off by this point.  So I call.  And call.  And call.  Finally he calls me back to say that he's been working doing whatever & that he had decided to meet his dad at the clinic to help treat a dog & was fixing to head that way to do that.

What happened to getting home at noon to spend time with the family?  Going shopping?  Apparently I missed something somewhere.  Seems like this happens quite often.  Needless to say I was fairly short with him on the phone.

I then load Kayla up & we head to Target to do some much needed shopping.

5:30pm rolls around.  He sends me a text & says that if I want to come pick him up at the clinic he will go shopping with us... Really?  Seriously?  I replied & let him know we had been at Target for awhile & left it at that.

After we checked out at Target, loaded everything in the truck to head home... Kayla decided to have a potty disaster.  Yeah... and guess who somehow forgot to pack wipes?  I had a plan of stopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond after Target, but that was out of the question now.  The new plan of action was to head home & clean little miss Love Bug up.

To make a long story short... he was then suppose to arrive home at 7:30pm, but called yet AGAIN & ended up not showing up until somewhere between 8:30-9:00.

Why me?

One of our big issues is the fact that he always puts Kayla & I last on the list & sometimes I question whether we're even on his list.  We've been discussing this in counseling, on more than one occasion & I really thought he understood or was trying to understand where I'm coming from.  Your marriage & family are suppose to be #1 no matter what.  If you & your spouse don't have a healthy relationship/marriage, then everything downfalls from there.

I refuse for my daughter to grow up being disappointed because daddy couldn't make it home in time to take us somewhere & all because he had to work on something that could have easily waited until the next day.  Broken promises, I won't have it.

The problem is that my hubby can't say no to his dad... when his dad asks him to do something even if he has commited himself to coming home by noon, for what ever reasons, he won't stand up & tell him that he has made plans to spend time with his family & the task can wait until tomorrow or another day.  The way I see it, is that he has absolutely no voice with him.  I know it's gotta be hard for him to say something when it's family he works with & for... but then again, when is it our turn?  When does my hubby stand up for our family?  So far, it hasn't happened yet.  This saddens me in more ways than one.  I hate the fact that my husband is seemingly scared of his father & doesn't have enough courage to stand up to him even when it's standing up for his own family (me & Kayla).

There is no question in my mind, that if my job was jeopardizing my marriage or family in any way... I would find a different job, period.  My family is more important to me than anything else & I will always put them #1.  I just wish my husband felt the same way.  I know it's harder for him, because he works for family & this is all he's known & all he's worked his entire life, but where do you draw the line?

We have a lot of obstacles to over come (putting it lightly) & to be brutally honest, right now I'm not real sure we are going to over come them.  I feel like I've been pushed to the edge so many times, that I'm just exhausted & numb from all of it.  I'm tired of fighting for my marriage by myself.  I'm tired of being disappointed & hurt.  I'm just flat tired.

I know life is not a big scoop of yummy ice cream all the time.
I know this & I don't expect it to be.  The problem is that it takes two people to make a successful marriage & lately I don't feel like both of us are working equally as hard.

By the time Fred got home Sunday evening... I was drained.  Mentally & physically drained from the day.  Once again, I waited around for him to arrive... first by noon, then by 3pm... then again by 6pm, then again by 7:30pm.  So when he finally rolled in at almost 9pm... yeah... I was done.  Ready to throw in the towel.  Ready to say, pack your bags & move back in with your parents because that's where you spend most of your time anyways.  Seriously.

So unfortunately, that was a horrible start for the week.

I wish I could snap my fingers & everything get better & we get back to a happier place again... but it doesn't work that way.

I'm not sure what the rest of the week will bring yet.  I'm looking forward to seeing Paula on Friday.  I'm a little lost & ready to scream at this point & I need some sound advice.

Rocking Chair

I've been looking for over a month now for a nice little rocking chair for Love Bug.  I just haven't been able to find one that I wanted to buy in the stores.  So I ended up ordering one online earlier this week.  While I was ordering that, I went ahead & ordered something else along with it (Playskool Step Start Walk 'N Ride - Pink).  The way it worked, was that if you purchased over a certain amount, shipping was free... go figure I was ONE dollar under that, so I looked & found something else I wanted for Kayla & ended up coming out better/cheaper doing that in the end then I would have if I would have just ordered the rocking chair by itself.

So today right after I got home from work, I was so excited to see the UPS truck pulling on to my street.  I felt like a little kid watching out the window... except he apparently thought my address was across the street & I watched him get out of his truck & walk the package up to their door & drop it off... Ugh!  Of course I immediately walked outside but he was quick & had already jumped in his truck & was driving off by the time I made it far enough outside.  It worked out just fine though... the neighbor looked at the package as I was walking across the street & met me half way with it in hand & said "this is yours".

I was hoping to receive the rocking chair, but the Playskool Step Start Walk 'N Ride came first instead.  That's ok though.  When I un-boxed it, I learned that it required some assembly.  Does anything come fully assembled these days, geez.  After I fed Kayla her dinner, we merged to the living room to start putting together her new toy.  This took a little longer than what I was expecting it to.  Apparently Kayla was bored or extremely tired, because before I knew it she was passed smooth out on the floor.  It was cute.  She looked so peaceful & despite my attempts to awake her, she wasn't having it.  So after I finished assembling everything... I scooped her up, put her nite-nite clothes on, cuddled with her on the couch to give her a bottle, then put her to bed.

Even though I'm not sure that I'm emotionally ready for Love Bug to start walking yet... I know it won't be long before she's running thru the house & I'm tripping over myself chasing her.  I figure this new toy will help her learn to walk better.  Now I'm ready for morning to get here so I can see if she likes it!

Check out this kick-ass rocking chair that I'm so patiently awaiting now.  Totally cute, huh!  I hope it's just as cute as the picture online.  My parent's have the same little rocking chair they had when my brother & I were little & well... since my brother is 54 years old now... you can imagine it's been around for quite some time.  Anyways, little miss Kayla is able to crawl in to the rocking chair all by herself & she loves to just sit there & rock for long periods of time.  That's when I knew, I for sure had to get one for our house so she can enjoy one here as well.  I just didn't want to buy one that was pink, or had a certain character on it, I wanted something a little more plain or that fit us better, so that's when I found this one online & fell in love with it.

Just wait... when Kayla starts playing with dolls, barbies & all that fun stuff... I will get to become a child again, woohoo!  I just love spending time with her, we have so much fun now & I know as she grows it will only get better.  I think my husband thinks I'm a little looney from time to time, because I talk, sing or what ever constantly with Kayla, but she thinks I'm entertaining... so that's all that matters to me.  Ha Ha

I wanna be a fun mom for Kayla & any future children we have.  My goal is to be well rounded for my kids.  I want them to have fun with me, but yet know their boundaries as they grow & want to come to me with anything that's on their mind.

Being a mommy is so exciting, I love every minute of it.  It's just amazing how drastically your life changes when you have a child.  Life is absolutely great!

Week 8-9

Well technically, this is week 9, but we haven't been to see Paula together since September 28th & I had my one-on-one appointment with her on October 12th.

So it's officially been, as of tomorrow, 4 weeks since we have seen Paula together.  Wow.

It's been one thing or another I guess.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about the fact we haven't been.  I know I'm not happy about it, but I feel like some things are out of my control.

Fred has been saying he would call & make us an appointment, but again... that has yet to happen.  Very frustrating to say the least.

I know he was sick, then out of town trying to plant wheat & all, then this week I had the Jr Rodeo Banquet last night, etc.  I don't know... seems like a bunch of excuses to me.

I wrote him a letter last weekend, expressing my feelings about what I feel we've made progress with & other things that I would like us to work on.

Date night would be one of those things.  It still hasn't happened & the more time that passes it just feels almost pointless to mention it.  Why should I have to keep reminding him how important this is?  When or if date night ever comes... it really doesn't hold much value for me at this point.  I know that's sad to say, but that's just how I feel.

Although, he keeps promissing that after he's finished planting wheat that we'll have more time together.  I hate to say this, but I have my doubts.

Don't get me wrong, we've made progress in some areas.  It's just frustrating for me that some of the most important things have still gone un-touched I guess.

I know my mood lately has been a little tough too.  I'm sleep deprived & just physically & mentally exhausted.  I'm starting to wonder if I will ever catch up on my sleep again & I feel like I have a headache 24 hrs a day anymore.  Ugh.  A little stressed to I guess.

I'm still trying to look on the bright side, smile, keep my chin up & say a few prayers from time to time in hopes things will get better soon.

Please... God give me strength!

First Tooth

Well I can officially feel my little love bug's first tooth coming in finally!  Poor little thing hasn't slept a full night in almost two weeks now.  She wakes up off & on through the night & I know she must be uncomfortable.

The not sleeping is wearing on me, but so far I'm still able to function during the day without completely passing out from exhaustion.

I keep waiting for the morning when my hubby tells me to stay in bed, rest or sleep in while he gets up & tends to love bug.  Needless to say, I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Kayla & I have so much fun together, she's just a total blast right now.  Tonight she made me laugh so hard & since I was laughing... she started laughing harder & we were both laying in the floor just laughing together.  So cute.  I wish I had a video camera to record these precious moments to look back on in the future.  It would be awesome to be able to show her when she's all grown up just how damn cute she was & how much fun we had.

As soon as her first tooth is viewable, I will definitely be taking some pics to post for everyone to see.

This morning I was actually ready to leave the house earlier than usual... had everything packed & in the truck ready to roll, but as soon as I walked back in the house to scoop up Kayla to head out the door... well she had a nice surprise for me.  Potty!  She had a total blow-out literally.  Of course, she was wearing an outfit that she hadn't worn yet & even though it was second-hand, it was new to her & she looked so adorable in it.  I had plans on snapping a few pics before walking out the door, but that thought changed as soon as I realized we had a small disaster on our hands to take care of.  Poor thing.  I basically gave her a bath with wipes.

I filled the bathroom sink with warm water, soaked her outfit down with stain remover spray then thew it in the sink to soak for the day.  Quickly grabbed another outfit from the closet, dressed her, then out the door we went.  All in all, instead of being 15-20 minutes early for work this morning like I had planned... I ended up being 15 minutes late.  Go figure right?  Oh well, it happens I guess.  Seems like it's always something though.  Mornings just never go my way for some reason, but I've came to the conclusion that there isn't a whole lot I can do about it so why keep stressing over it.

I had to run by the store on my way home from work today to get a few things that we needed, so by the time I did that, un-loaded everything at the house, then picked Kayla up from my parents house... it was almost 7pm.  Not much time to spend with her since she goes to bed between 8-8:30pm.  Tomorrow I don't have errands to run, so I will be able to spend more time with her after work.

Friday I take her to get her first flu shot.  Yikes.  I'm a little nervous.  I'm not affraid of needles in the least bit, but when it comes to my love bug getting shots... ok I'm a little weenie about it I will admit.

She's quickly approaching the 11 month mark & I'm sooo not ready yet.  What happened to the past 11 months?  Why does it have to go so fast?  Before I know it, she will be asking to borrow the truck or something... UGH somebody please slap me!

I know I've said this 100 times, but oh well here it is again... I love being a mommy!  I absolutely love every minute of it.  Even the moments that are messy & might not smell so pretty... I don't mind at all.  I can't even imagine what my life was like before Kayla.

Well I guess that's a wrap for this evening.

Good night & sweet dreams to my love bug, mommy loves you & I have a feeling I will be seeing your beautiful face shortly... so I better catch a few zzz's while I have the opportunity too.

God Gave Me You

I've loved this song since the first time I heard it & I immediately thought of my hubby.  I know that we've had our ups & downs lately, but the most important thing is that we love each other & I know that we will make it through these tough times & come out better & stronger afterwards.  From the moment we got together, I've believed deep down that the man above was the one who put our hearts together from the very start.  I love my hubby oh so very much... so this is for you honey.  I love you.

God Gave Me You - Blake Shelton

I’ve been a walking heartache

I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

Week 7

Week 7 - October 12th

Fred was not able to attend our appointment because he was out in western Oklahoma doing the cattle stuff.  So I decided to go by myself to see Paula.

We had a really good chat, as we always do.  I have to admit I was a little disappointed that Fred was unable to come with me, but I think it was good that I was able to have that time by myself to talk to Paula though.

She asked the typical questions about how everything had been going, have there been any arguments/disagreements, if we had date night yet, etc.  I was sad to report that there still hasn't been a date night.

I expressed my frustrations with everything.  Especially date night & how I feel that I'm over looked, put to the side, almost as if he doesn't feel I'm deserving of a night out or he would make more of an effort to schedule something.

How random tasks that I ask of him to help me with... somehow never get done.  It feels like he hears my requests, but yet choses to put them to the side, ignore or completely forget about them altogether.  Then I take on the "nagging" roll of kindly reminding him time & time again... but unfortunately that doesn't work either.  The tasks still go undone.  With some things, I typically go ahead & just do them myself, because well... I asked for help for a reason & if it's something that needs done in a timely manor, I'm left with no other choice than to figure it out myself & make the time or find someone else to help me (which is kinda embarressing).

Sometimes I feel like the maid, instead of a wife.  I hate that feeling.  Absolutely hate it.

I've tried to express my feelings to him so many times that I'm blue in the face.  Again... he hears my frustrations, hurt & anger... and usually things get better for a few days, but then we go right back to the same mudhole.  He always apologizes, says things will get better, that he is trying & will try harder.  But I'm so tired of hearing I'm sorry, I want to actually see some effort.  If he completes one project/task that I've requested help with, then nothing else gets done for weeks/months at a time after that.  It's almost like he feels he's done his one good deed for the year & I should be satisfied with that.  Ugh, frustration.

The stress of everything really gets to me sometimes.  I want so badly for everything to be right with us again.

Some days I feel hope & others, I feel like I'm running into a brick wall at 100mph.

Fred was suppose to call Paula yesterday, then again today... to schedule our next appointment, but he hasn't yet.  So I'm not real sure when our next appointment will be.

First ring

December 2008 - was when I received my first official ring from my sweetheart!

It's hard to believe it's already been that long ago.

What a beautiful ring it is too!

It's been a while since I've been able to wear it, because my finger has simply been to fat for it.  I tried it on a few weeks ago & low & behold... it fits again!  Hurray.  So the past week or so, I've been wearing it, just on on my right hand instead of the left.  I really love that ring.

Thanks again honey for that beautiful ring, I love you!

Poor baby

Yesterday Kayla started getting a little snotty... then last night, she woke up off & on throughout the entire night.  When I dropped her off at my parents house this morning I could tell my poor baby just wasn't feeling well at all.

Around 10am my mom called to tell me that little Kayla was unable to sleep because she was having a hard time breathing & thought I should try to get her into the dr today.  So I called & luckily they were able to work her in this afternoon.

When I picked her up, she was just out of it.  I loaded her in the truck & off to the dr office we went.

After waiting in the waiting room for almost an hour, they finally called us back.  The diagnosis was she has a cold.

We got some saline solution & a new large snot sucker as the remedy.

Perfect... the one area of her body she doesn't like anyone to mess with & now I have to squirt saline up in each side & vacuum the snot out.  Awesome.  And, I need to do this 3-4 times a day for the next few days to help her get cleared up.

I dreaded even thinking about attempting it, but hey, it has to be done right?

Poor Kayla.  I can't stand to see her cry & it kills me being the one whose causing her to cry in the first place.  God help me.  I managed to hold my emotions in the first attempt even though she was crying so hard she was turning red & it simply broke my heart.

Second attempt, well I almost lost it.  I managed to get through it, but I almost started crying to.

I know, everyone is probably saying... oh what a weenie.  Well you are probably right... maybe I am a weenie mom, but that's just how it is I guess.  I never thought in a million years I would be a weenie mom, but hey... I guess you never know until you're actually there huh.  So I'll admit it, I'm pretty soft when it comes to my sweet baby.

We hooked the humidifier up in her bedroom tonight, so I'm hoping that will help her breathe better.

So far, she hasn't slept an entire hour without waking up tonight.  Poor baby.  It's going to be another long night I'm affraid.

Hubby is sick, now baby is sick... = mommy has her hands full.  Everyone please pray for me.

Week 5-6

Week 5 - September 28th

We had a little homework to do after our visit last week.  I finished mine & Fred was working on his as soon as we arrived at Paula's house.  I felt like he should've put a little more effort in to making sure he had his papers filled out before our appointment.  I didn't say anything though.

At every appointment it seems like I learn something new, or I see something in a different light.

Paula talked to us about having a "date night" a few weeks ago, but that has yet to happen.  It doesn't feel the same when you feel like you have to ask for a night out.  If he came up with the idea on his own, then it would mean so much more to me.  Like maybe if he felt like I deserved a night out & away from everything.  A special treat I guess.  A night thought.

Week 6 - October 5th

We ended up cancelling our appointment tonight.

Yesterday his truck decided to quit working, so I picked him up at his parents house on my way home from work.  Then after I dropped him off at home & headed to pick up Kayla... my truck decided not to start at my parents house, go figure right?  Anyways, Fred didn't feel good today & he was trying to get the broke truck loaded on the flatbed in order to take it to the shop tomorrow.  So with all of that, we decided to cancel our appointment with Paula tonight.  We re-scheduled for next Wednesday though, so we're still on track.

If it's not one thing, it's always something else, isn't it?

I've been working from home some in the evenings too.  So that cuts the evenings a little shorter than they already are.  I'm still in the process of cleaning up the den/office area & that's taking a lot longer than what I had hoped for.  It's just hard & impossible to do everything yourself though.  There are only so many hours in each day & only so many free hours in the evenings as well.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

VHS, DVD, Blue Ray?

Remember VHS?  I can remember when I got my first VHS player... I thought I was big time then.  I had a fair collection of VHS tapes too.  Some of which I still have as a matter of fact.  Sadly some of the movies I loved, haven't yet converted to DVD, otherwise the VHS would be no more in their dust covered box.

Then came the DVD.  Well, it took awhile for me to merge from the VHS to DVD, but it was a forced choice.  I started noticing every time I went to rent a movie, more & more DVDs were appearing on the shelves as apposed to VHS.  So I was basically forced in to buying a DVD player after a certain point.  That only seems like it's been a few years ago.

I swear the Blue Ray discs came out of no where!  Ugh.  Really?  Why do we have to upgrade every few years to something bigger & better & are forced to give up the electronics we currently have that are still in great working condition?  I know, it's a way for people to make more money I guess.  There are some of us out here that can't afford to upgrade that often though.  Of course, now I have a decent collection of DVDs & I've already merged & purchased a Blue Ray player, but ONLY because the DVD player we had... well it gave up & died one day & the sales dude at Best Buy basically was a great sales guy & ended up talking me into paying "just a few dollars more" & upgrading to the Blue Ray player instead of purchasing another plain ole' DVD player again.  Way to go Best Buy dude, apparently he's good at his job.

After having the Blue Ray player for awhile, Fred & I were curious to test the difference out.  So I rented a Blue Ray.  (this was a long time ago)  We get it home & it doesn't play... hmmm interesting.  Thinking there is something wrong with the DVD, I go back the Blockbuster the next day to exchange the DVD for the same movie in hopes this would fix the issue.  Nope.  Still wouldn't play.  A little confused at this point, again, the next day I go back to Blockbuster to return the DVD... this time I patiently wait at the front counter to ask the dude what's going on with this & explain this is the second time I've exchanged it, etc.

His response... "did you update your Blue Ray player?"

Did I what?  Huh?  Now I'm really confused.  What the flip are you talking about... did I update my Blue Ray player?  It's a few months brand new, why & how would I update it?

The "kid" looks at me with this shitty look on his face & says "ma'am you have to update your Blue Ray player ever so often, don't ya know?"  Excuse me, if I knew I was suppose to "update" it then why would I be here asking you this question in the first place?

Needless to say, I felt like an ancient old woman walking out of there & all I could think was, what the heck was he talking about, what a shitty attitude he had to top it off & that apparently I need to read the stupid manual that came with the damn Blue Ray player, which I still to this day haven't done.  Ugh.

Well that incident happened awhile back & I never figured out anything regarding the Blue Ray issues.  I've been renting the regular ole' DVDs ever since & they play just fine in our Blue Ray/DVD player.

So last weekend we rented a movie, which we hadn't done in quite some time now.  After really enjoying the movie we wanted to watch the extra stuff that's usually on every DVD... well to our surprise, WE COULDN'T!  That's not an option anymore when you rent movies.  You can only view the extra stuff if you purchase the DVD.  Can you believe that?  Seriously?  What the bleep.  Movie rental prices went up to, so now we have to pay the same price as we were paying before EXCEPT you only get the movie for 24 hours & not 3 days.  I'm so confused.  Why do we even have movie rental places anymore?

I'm starting to think the "new thing" is now Netflix or one of those other online movie rental thingys.  Physically going to a store & renting a movie is soon to be history I'm affraid.  I'm not ready for this, but again I'm going to be left with no other choice soon.  Guess I should start opening up to all of this new age technology stuff & get with the program, huh!  Ugh.

Geez, I'm starting to feel old.

Week 4

Last Wednesday was week #4 to see Paula & our second appointment together.  We both had one-on-one visits with her over the past two weeks as well.

We had a great visit.  Our appointment lasted almost 2 hours, instead of the usual 1 hour.  It was a good thing though.

Paula is just the perfect counselor.  Fred couldn't have picked a better choice I swear it.  She is just so warm & we both feel absolutely comfortable with her.

I really feel like we're making some progress since we've started seeing her too.

There's no doubt that we've had a lot of bumps in the road & obsticles to overcome.  The most important thing though, is that we both want everything to work & we're determined to make things right & get our relationship on the right path again.

We've truly been blessed with a wonderful family & by that I mean, the two of us & our precious sweetheart Kayla.  We also have a great extended family as well, along with tons of supportive friends that always stand beside us.

Our next appointment is this Wednesday.

Fred & I both look forward to each visit now.