A Heavy Heart

My heart is crying tonight... my cousin Amy ended her life today.  I'm totally heart broken at the thought her life is now over.  I will never get to speak to her again or reminisce on all the years we ran around together back n the day and all the fun times we had together.  We were close once.  The pain our family feels right now is unspeakable.  It took a little while to sink and I'm still in some what disbelief.  This has to be some sort of nightmare that I'm in and surely I will wake up tomorrow and none of this would have happened.  I feel so badly for her sweet kids, grand kids, parents, brother, sister, nieces, nephews and everyone else that loves her so much.  Everyone loved her... she just had an awesome personality that drew people to her.  She had her struggles in life, there's no doubt about that, however she was always a person you just wanted to be around.  She was just so much fun!  Some of my best memories are hanging out with her.

My dear Amy... I love you so much, I regret that we haven't been as close the past few years.  I can't grasp why you made the decision that you have... however I will forever love you, miss you and always remember the great memories we made together!

Another day another diet

Well the past week has been interesting to put it lightly.  Some of which I can't discuss however I will just say that it's been trying in every way possible.

The crazy weather we've been having is totally nutts.  A little over a week ago I was in a short sleeved shirt pulling Kayla around the yard in her wagon having a grand ole' time outside... then the next day... freezing temps followed by snow & the temp in the teens.  I guess that's what we get here in good ole' Oklahoma huh!  Gotta love it.

So I started on yet another diet plan today!

I've read about it all over the internet and so far I hadn't read anything negative so I thought to myself the other day... "WHY NOT?"

It's called - Pure Cambogia.  Tons of celebs have lost lots of weight on it, so surely it should work for me too right?  I guess we'll see and I will keep everyone updated on the results as I go.  I ordered the free 4 week trial online, you just have to pay shipping... and no there's no other tricks that I've found.  You really just pay the shipping and nothing more - no future commitments or anything.  I was sold with that right off.  I figured heck if I try it and in 4 weeks I don't see the results I want then I won't mess with ordering more.

With this plan there's two bottles:

1.  Pure Cambogia Ultra

2.  Bowtrol Detox

I ordered both for under $10.00 in shipping and they arrived within 3 days.  Pretty awesome!

Even though I've already lost 33 lbs with another weight loss plan... I'm still to embarrassed to post my current weight for who knows who to see on here.  Through this 4 week process, I promise to be honest and post exactly how much I lose or (heaven forbid) gain.

My goal is not just losing the weight, but to feel better about myself and gain some of my self esteem back that I've lost through the past few years.  I've blown up over the past 4 years and I've been totally unhappy with not only the way I look but the way I feel on a daily basis.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the woman looking back at me.

I don't want my old body back.... I'm ready for my new body!

I want to get my sexy back!

Wish me luck, cross your fingers and toes... and please pray for me the next few weeks.

I'm going to need all the support I can get at this point!

Looking back on 2013 and today

Looking back on the year 2013 and today...

We've had a rough year to put it lightly.  Ups, downs... both good and bad times together.  I know that marriage isn't easy, however marriage is more challenging when the most effort is only one sided.  I took my vows seriously and refuse to give up easily... even though I will admit that it's crossed my mind more often in the past year than ever before.

If I had to sum up how our relationship is today - I would say we just live under the same roof at this point.  I know it's sad to say, however that's the cold honest truth.

We haven't been back to see Paula again together since 2012.  I went by myself a few times last year... in fact a little over a month ago I called her again for another appointment.  Paula has been a huge help for me personally in so many different ways.  It's no front page news that I've been unhappy for awhile now with the way things are in our marriage and Paula has really helped me cope with my feelings and understand that I'm not unjust in the way I feel.

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is his lack of priority for our family.  Kayla and I always come last if at all on his list.  The majority of his time is spent elsewhere catering to someone else's wants and needs.  I simply can't depend or count on him to be home when he says he will.  He basically sleeps here and is not an active participant in our household, relationship and especially his relationship with his daughter.  It breaks my heart to see the scar he's causing not only with me but mostly with Kayla.  I'm the one who always has to come up with the answer for why daddy isn't home or is never here with us.  The older she gets, she asks more questions and comes up with her own conclusions for where daddy's at.

Yesterday he went to help a friend and their children at an FFA show out of town... came home at 11pm, then fell asleep on the couch while we were watching tv.  Before we went to bed the brief conversation we had was that I needed to work from home today to catch up on things I was unable to get done this week while at work and he informed me that he needed to help his friend and kids again this morning with the show.  He needed to be there by 7am!  Basically he saw Kayla briefly yesterday morning and hasn't seen her since.  As he was leaving this morning, I awoke and followed him to the front door.  I said to him... "so I guess I need to call my parents to help watch Kayla today while i work since you're leaving again?"  His response was that he would be home by 1pm and he made an attempt to hug me before he left and the only thing I could say was, "just go."  With tears streaming down my face as he left, all I could think was the rough week I've had, the few nights I hadn't slept and was worn completely out... all I ask is for an extra hour of sleep on Saturday mornings and it's very rare that I have to work from home on the weekends and for him to make me a priority in his life for once instead of someone else.

The words Paula told me at our last meeting ring loud in my head today... "he's never going to change."  She simply told me that she was worried about the well-being for Kayla and I and said that she worries I'm holding on to someone who doesn't love his family enough to make the necessary changes in his life in order to hold this family together.  She reminded me of the times we've visited her together and we discussed the visits Fred and her had as well.  She said that she honestly believes he loves us... just not to the magnitude he needs to put us first in his life.  Then she told me, "you're not lost... you know where you're going or want to go in life... he's the one whose lost and needs to find himself."  Her last words that day were that she felt as if the marriage was already diminished and I was still holding out hope for something that was already lost.  Deep in my heart, I know she's right.

I've talked until I'm blue in the face to him about things and nothing seems to sink in.  I know that Kayla and I deserve to be someone's priority and I wish we were his.

After he walked out the door this morning, I kept thinking... why me?
Why does he have to be such an asshole to us?
Why is it 5pm and I still haven't heard from him?  Didn't he say he would be home at 1pm... once again ANOTHER LET DOWN!  Proving that we have no number on his list, hell... we aren't even on it.

I have a lot on my mind these days.  A lot of hurt inside for myself as well as Kayla.

This morning when Kayla crawled in bed with me shortly after he had left... she says "daddy isn't here and didn't come home?"  So I had to explain that he was home but had to leave again early.  Then my aunt stopped by for a few minutes earlier and she simply asked me if Fred was working and before I could say anything Kayla said to her, "daddy doesn't live here anymore!"  I had to remind myself to breathe because tears were about to fill my eyes.  My aunt just looked at me and asked if everything was ok and I said yes it's just been one of those days.  She could sense I didn't want to talk about it and didn't say anymore about it.  I told Kayla she was silly and said daddy still lives here why would you say that... she just said "ok haven't seen him."

Well I guess that's enough for today.  I have to make an attempt to get some work done while Kayla is awake... which is challenging!!!!