We discussed the current issue at hand, which was the South Carolina trip that was planned over Easter weekend. I had major issues with this. Not the trip itself... just the timing of it and the fact he would be gone on Easter. Ugh.
Here's a breakdown of my issues revolving around this:
- His family (Kayla and I) weren't considered or consulted in the decision, I was just "told" this is how it is and will be.
- He would be missing Easter when Kayla's been looking forward to daddy hiding Easter eggs for over a week now.
- Not standing up to his dad and telling him that he wanted to be with his family for the holiday and to reschedule the trip for another time.
- Trying to convince me that there was nothing that could be done to change the trip and that he was going no matter what because that's what his dad had arranged and we never go against what dad wants of course.
The ultimatum I gave him:
- Go on the trip and move out.
- Not go on the trip and spend Easter with his family.
It didn't take long after we started talking to Paula, that I realized it was time for me to hang my head in defeat. It was the most emptiest feeling I think I've ever felt in my life. No matter what Paula said or tried to talk to him about - he continued to argue in favor of the trip. The problem is that this goes much much deeper than just this trip and this instance we're currently having the issues with. It always revolves back around to the fact he never puts his family (Kayla and I) first for anything. His parents always consume 90% of his time - weekdays and weekends included. This is the heart of our problems... not putting effort into our marriage and our family except from time to time or when it's convenient. When ever his dad barks orders, he runs... and that's every time. I can't think of any instance in which he said "dad, I'm spending time with my family today so it will have to wait until tomorrow." If he calls and tells him something needs to be done and he wants it done today or right this minute... well off he goes. It's as simple as that. This is how it's always been - us taking a back seat to everything else. Well I'm tired and fed up with it and the South Carolina trip just completely put me over the edge. I couldn't take any more of this back burner bull shit from him. That's why I gave him the ultimatum... prove to us that you want our family and that we are what's most important to you.
Paula tried very hard to convince him he would be making a big mistake and would regret later on for the decision of leaving his family behind. Unfortunately it didn't work. He threw money down on the table next to her and walked out the door as he said "if you're going to throw our family away over a trip then f*ck you."
As he walked out the door... I could feel him pulling my heart on a chain behind him. Dragging what pieces were left at that point. I felt sick. Totally sick.
Paula immediately started talking to me and trying to comfort me. She said that she was sorry and that she knew he was making a mistake but that sometimes people who are solely on someone else's lead, cannot see things any other way until later on down the road. She told me that she knew that he is torn between trying to do whatever his dad wants or says and being with his family too. Unfortunately we always end up last. Paula said I was a good woman and that there's not many women who would admit when they're wrong and apologize for it when it's brought to their attention - she said she admired that about me. She said I am strong and to keep my head up because there's someone out there who would appreciate, admire and respect me as I deserve to be.
It's nice to hear positive things about yourself when you're at the bottom of the barrel. However, it's hard to swallow when your completely empty inside.
She gave me a big hug as I was leaving and said that she was there if I needed her.
Back up for just a minute... over the past 2 1/2 years, we would meet at Braums up the street from Paula's house and ride together for our appointments, then I would drive him back to his truck afterwards. This time was no different... we met at Braums and rode together to Paula's house for our appointment.
As I walked out of her house to my truck I quickly realized he wasn't anywhere in sight, so I knew he had probably started walking. Of course he didn't take our usual route through the neighborhood, so I had to drive down a street or two before I finally saw him walking. I drove up to him and stopped, rolled the window down and told him to get in. No matter how badly I was hurt, I wouldn't have let him walk all the way back to his truck.
Long story short - we sat and talked in my truck at Braums for awhile with no resolution. After we both left Braums in separate vehicles, I headed home to let the dog out real quick then go pick up Kayla from my parents house. As he was leaving he said he would be home shortly. I could only assume where he was going.
Now everything goes down hill...
After I was home and had let the dog out, I headed down the street to my parents house. As soon as I walked in the door - my dad proceeded to tell me that Fred's mother had called him and had told him that I was going to divorce Fred if he went on this trip and wanted to know what was going on. At that point my whole body went completely numb. My first thought was, "SERIOUSLY?" I mean, what the hell - why is my mother-in-law calling my parents talking about our marriage, wondering what they think? It doesn't matter what anyone thinks except for the two of us. It's our marriage, our family and our problems!! We will either resolve them or we won't - no need to go dragging parents or anyone else for that matter into it. That only makes things 100% worse. I was only aware that marriage had two people in it and that's it - apparently I missed something somewhere along the way.
Anyone who knows my father, can only imagine how not-very-happy he was about the fact Fred's mother had called him and then decided to bash me... "she doesn't cook, clean or do his laundry like she should be." According my father he fired back at her, "well he needs to help her around the house, he never mows the lawn, etc." I guess his mother hung up the phone and that was the end of their conversation. Ugh. After my dad told me about their short phone conversation - I felt ever more sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that everything seemed to be going to hell so fast. How could someone's life fall completely apart within a matter of a few hours not to mention having our parents yelling at each other - and we are grown married adults? I was just clueless. Needless to say my parents were wound up so I bailed out of there as quickly as I could and headed home with Kayla for the night.
What a day. What a total and complete flipping mess.
I managed to hold myself together while in Kayla's presence, but I knew she knew something wasn't right. As we were going through our usual nighttime routine, in a very quiet voice she asked me where daddy was. Before I could answer, she said, "he's working isn't he?" I said that he would be home after she went to bed and that maybe she would get to see him in the morning.
As I was waiting for Fred to come home. I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind in order to make the decision to take the trip and leave his family in the dust. I felt so defeated and beaten down. Like what's so wrong with us? We deserve far better than that.
I read a few things just the other day...
- "Sometimes the person you want most, is the person you're best without. Let go of what you feel and remember what you deserve."
- "When you really matter to someone, that person will always make time for you. No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises."
When I read both of those the other day I thought - wow... amazing how true those are.
Before we got married - I knew marriage wasn't an easy road however I couldn't have predicted the hurdles we've had to endure so far. My climbing boots are in shreds by this point.
When Fred finally arrived home that night - we sat in silence for awhile. I think both of us were trying to process the day and everything that had happened between us.
I finally broke the silence and we talked off and on until we went to bed. As I was crawling into bed next to him I had so many emotions running through me... thinking this could be the last time we slept in the same bed together. We continued to talk some while laying in bed.
Then from out of nowhere it was like a light bulb had came on in his head - he asked "If I can be here on Easter, will that make it ok?" I reiterated to him that was the reason I was upset and mad in the first place because he wasn't going to be here for Easter with his family.
That's when he managed to come up with a plan. He said that he could fly his brother out to South Carolina on Saturday to drive his dad home and he would fly home Saturday evening so he would be here for Easter with us. I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt a little hopeful it would work - however in the back of mind I kept thinking to myself that I shouldn't even get hopeful until I see proof. As he was on his Kindle looking up flights or whatever - I ended up passing out. My body was done, I was completely exhausted.
The next morning, Kayla had a little bit of a hard time with him. Just wanting her mommy - so I had to merge the two together like I sometimes have to do. He left the house a little after 8 am to head out and I wasn't sure what to expect after that. He called around 10 am to let me know that he had bought the plane tickets and everything was arranged so he could be here for Easter with us! I was excited that he had even made the effort and had came up with a plan to somehow make everything work out. They were already on the road and said he would call when they settled in for the night in Tennessee.
Even though daddy was going to get to be here for Easter now... I knew there was another issue I needed to address in order to full fill our Easter plans completely. His mother. I ended up not going into work because there was no way I could hide my swollen emotional face from the day before. Apparently I had cried so much that my eye lids were completely swollen up... it was a mess to say the least. I didn't feel like answering questions about what was wrong at work, so I decided it would be better if I called in. After laying down with an ice pack across my eyes for what seemed like forever - I felt presentable. I managed to drag myself out of the house and to a few stores to get some things then back home.
After doing some serious thinking - I decided I needed to call his mother and ask her over to talk about everything. I felt this was the right thing and the only thing to do. Unless she feels otherwise, we've always got along in the past so I felt like the two of us needed to talk. I called her and she didn't answer, but she called me back and I invited her over to chat. Without hesitation she said she would and she came right over. Since Kayla was still at my parents house I felt it was best for us to talk before I went to pick up Kayla.
At first we just talked about this and that - then I broke the ice and told her why I wanted her to come over. She stayed for a few hours and in my opinion, everything went really good. She said that Fred had called her after our appointment with Paula and told her I wanted a divorce if he went on this trip. We talked about the fact that Fred runs to her and tells her every time we get into an argument or fight and always places the blame on me. Everything is always my fault. We discussed the "lying" that goes on between her, Fred and his siblings to his dad. I told her that lying has been an issue between us because I catch him lying about the smallest and stupidest things sometimes and I can't figure out why. Apparently lying is second nature to them because that's how they've always managed to keep his dad happy. I addressed the fact that no parents should be involved in our marriage issues, it only makes everything worse and only causes our parents to dislike each other and especially me or him. Hence the whole reason I never run and tell my parents when we have an argument, fight or disagreement - both my parents love and respect Fred a lot and that could easily go the other direction if I ran to them every time I was pissed off at him. I told her that I could understand why she would dislike me from him making me out to be the bad guy all the time. She agreed that him telling her everything needed to stop and that he needed to spend more time at home with us. Funny enough, she said that his "coming home so late" because he had to work stories... aren't exactly that. She said he could get home a lot earlier if he wanted to. All in all, I think we had a good conversation and got a lot of things out in the open and discussed. I was very glad I called her to come over and we went to my parents house to pick up Kayla together. Everything was fine and nothing was discussed in front of Kayla. My parents and her just talked briefly before we headed back out the door for home. She had to get going, so she left right after we got back to the house.
So much in just a short amount of time huh!
When I decided to sit down to blog about it, my head started hurting just thinking about everything all over again. What a total mess.
The brightest part is that we will all be together for Easter - minus Fred's dad and brother of course, who I wish could be here too.
I feel like in a way, we are starting over again from the beginning. We have a long road ahead of us, but I'm going to try to focus on the positives and hope that someday we will be in a good place together.
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