A cry for help

It's almost been two years now since we first started counseling with Paula.  Hard to believe its already been that long.  I'm thankful for counseling in many ways and I can honestly say that I've learned a lot about myself through this process.  It's been a tough road and we still have a really long ways to go yet.

When we started counseling, I thought things could only go up from that point.  I didn't even think about it being such a roll-a-coaster ride, which is exactly what its been.

If someone were to ask me how I felt about the overall results from counseling, I wouldn't know what to say.  We still have a lot of the same issues we had when we started, and after all this time I'm starting to lose hope that those things will ever change for the future.  I tried so hard to be a positive person and work on things, however the continued neglect on the other side, well that's only made my heart harden a little more each day.

Our communication is for the most part one-sided.  I guess he feels that its not necessary I know whats going on or that its not a big deal.  He could go out of town and I wouldn't have a clue until later when he decides to tell me or if I ask him what he did or how his day went.  Every time I ask him why he doesn't call to let me know whats going on, his answer is always the same... "I didn't think it was a big deal" OR "I didn't think about it."

A simple phone call or a simple conversation can go a long ways - it's getting him to understand that communication is a HUGE part of a marriage or relationship.  When you don't have good communication... then what?

I would have to say the two biggest issues we have is communication and the fact that he's more committed to his parents then he is to his family (Kayla and I).  We could have plans already set, however, if one of his parents call, then our plans immediately go by the way side - no questions asked.  Of course he doesn't see it this way.  The constant response I get is, "It's my job" or "I can't help it, it's just the way it is and has to be."  Which is total bullshit in my opinion!  The truth of it is that he's too afraid to stand up to his father and tell him that he already has plans with his family.  He would much rather hurt or upset me and Kayla then to stand up to his father OR tell him no.

I beg for attention from him on a constant basis... for Kayla's sake as well as mine.  He doesn't seem to see or understand the big picture of what's happening to our family.  It's completely falling apart at the seems.

Just this morning, after taking Kayla to the bathroom - as we were leaving the bathroom I said "let daddy come put your diaper on because mommy needs to jump in the shower"... her immediate response was, "daddy is to busy for me."  If she were saying that about me, I would be heart-broken at the fact she would even think for a minute I was to busy for her.  Yet, even when I tell him what she's said - I don't see much of a reaction from him.  I don't always tell him everything she says when he's not here, but there are times when I will admit I shed a tear with the things she says.  At three years old - she knows and seems to understand so much.  She's told my aunt on more than one occasion that "daddy doesn't live here."  Which absolutely kills me to think she would say something like that.  I only witnessed her say that once and other time I was told about it.

Around Valentine's Day, he had a small fall out with his father and for a whole week I actually felt like I had my husband.  It was amazing - he was home early in the evenings, we talked constantly and I tried to be there to comfort him through everything he was going through.  I actually saw a different person come out in him.  I really can't explain how amazing it was to see him stand up to his father and I could see that it was a huge relief for him to have done that.  I was so proud of him in so many ways that week.  The man I know he is and the man I married was with us that entire week and I loved every minute of it.  Unfortunately shortly there after - things went right back to the way they were before though.  I've felt crushed ever since.  For a short week I really thought maybe the light had finally came on with him.  I was wrong.

I know the kind of person I am better than anyone else does.  I know where my limits and boundaries are and when to say "enough is enough".  That's the spot I'm in today.

I remember Paula mentioning at a session some time back, that over a period of time, continuous negative things can cause the heart to harden towards someone.  Unfortunately that's been slowly happening to me.

When we took our vows, the preacher read from the bible:
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

I never realized just how deeply those words would affect me at the time the preacher said them.

A line has to be drawn between work and family - period.
For the longest time I tried to make excuses to myself and say "he's just a guy."
That's such bullshit though - he's a guy YES however I know many men that have quit their jobs, moved, and done numerous things for the sake of their families.  Yet I'm married to someone whose last priority is just that - his wife and child.

All I know is that we have an appointment with Paula on Wednesday - 2 days from now.

God help me, if something doesn't change soon.

How do you really know when it's time to call it quits and move on?
How do you really know when you've given everything you can possibly give and it's time for a dramatic change?

All I know for sure at this point is this... I'M TOTALLY DRAINED!
I find myself depressed thinking about everything.  I want to run outside and scream to the top of my lungs in hopes someone would hear my cry out to save our marriage before it's to late.

I can't imagine not wanting to change anything and everything to be with our sweet little sugar plum... she's the total highlight of my life.  Every breathe I take, every minute I'm awake or asleep - it's all about her.

Say a prayer tonight for my sanity, my marriage and my little sugar plum.