We had a really good chat, as we always do. I have to admit I was a little disappointed that Fred was unable to come with me, but I think it was good that I was able to have that time by myself to talk to Paula though.
She asked the typical questions about how everything had been going, have there been any arguments/disagreements, if we had date night yet, etc. I was sad to report that there still hasn't been a date night.
I expressed my frustrations with everything. Especially date night & how I feel that I'm over looked, put to the side, almost as if he doesn't feel I'm deserving of a night out or he would make more of an effort to schedule something.
How random tasks that I ask of him to help me with... somehow never get done. It feels like he hears my requests, but yet choses to put them to the side, ignore or completely forget about them altogether. Then I take on the "nagging" roll of kindly reminding him time & time again... but unfortunately that doesn't work either. The tasks still go undone. With some things, I typically go ahead & just do them myself, because well... I asked for help for a reason & if it's something that needs done in a timely manor, I'm left with no other choice than to figure it out myself & make the time or find someone else to help me (which is kinda embarressing).
Sometimes I feel like the maid, instead of a wife. I hate that feeling. Absolutely hate it.
I've tried to express my feelings to him so many times that I'm blue in the face. Again... he hears my frustrations, hurt & anger... and usually things get better for a few days, but then we go right back to the same mudhole. He always apologizes, says things will get better, that he is trying & will try harder. But I'm so tired of hearing I'm sorry, I want to actually see some effort. If he completes one project/task that I've requested help with, then nothing else gets done for weeks/months at a time after that. It's almost like he feels he's done his one good deed for the year & I should be satisfied with that. Ugh, frustration.
The stress of everything really gets to me sometimes. I want so badly for everything to be right with us again.
Some days I feel hope & others, I feel like I'm running into a brick wall at 100mph.
Fred was suppose to call Paula yesterday, then again today... to schedule our next appointment, but he hasn't yet. So I'm not real sure when our next appointment will be.
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