Week 11

So after showing up at the wrong Barnes & Noble last Sunday night to pick up the book I reserved... I finally ended up at the right one on Monday during my lunch break.  Guess I should've verified more specific directions instead of ,"is this the store on May Ave", not realizing there were two stores on May Ave, the difference being they are about 10 miles apart.  Ugh.
This is just how my luck runs most of the time though, so I'm use to it by now.  No worries.

So far the book is great!  I've been trying to read a little every night when I crawl into bed.  I do wish that Fred & I could read the book together, but instead I will look on the bright side & say that at least he's willing to read the book in the first place, right.

Last weekend, we had a good time together. His parents went out of state for a wedding & were gone the entire weekend. It was nice to not hear his phone ring off & on all the time. The best part of all, was that he was actually home with us. Saturday we went to Mathis Brothers & one other place in search of a new mattress. We ended up not buying anything, but I'm praying that it won't be to long before we make that purchase. I'm not sure how much longer my back is gonna hold up on the hard brick we've been sleeping on the past few months. Let's just say, getting up in the mornings, I feel like I should be in my 90's instead of my 30's. Every single muscle & bone hurts in my body, almost like I got into a fight during my sleep. Ugh. Not a healthy feeling at all.

Some days I feel like we take a few steps forward, but then other days I feel like we are stumbling in reverse at a high rate of speed.  More so in reverse here lately though.

Just when I think I see a small shimmer of light in the far distance... the light goes back out again.  I don't understand.  I'm worn smooth out.  I'm exhausted & just flat tired.  I feel like I'm at a loss & don't have a clue what to do anymore.  I can't make things right all by myself... it takes TWO people to make a marriage successful, not ONE.  If I thought for a minute that my actions were costing me my marriage, I would do what ever it took to change & fix those things to make it right again.  Unfortunately those are my thoughts & feelings & I can't force someone else to feel the same.  They have to want it, before it can happen.

This week neither of us saw Paula, although Fred did finally make his one-on-one appointment with her for next Wednesday.  I probably won't hear many details on how that goes, I guess we will see when that time gets here.

What a roll-a-coaster life is sometimes huh!  Some days I wish I could crawl back into bed & start the day over.  Heck, I wish I could erase a few months back & start over sometimes.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

Dear God, I need more strength.  Please.