One day at a time

One thing I never thought in a million years I would enjoy... is blogging.  The whole reason I started in the first place was because I had read several stories online from other fellow blogger's about how it was a sense of release to write about what ever was on their minds & to let go of what others may think of their writing.  I will admit this was a serious challenge at first & wasn't even sure what to write about for awhile, but as time passed... I started really enjoying & looking forward to blogging about just random things.

Eventually my blog went from private that only a very select few people read... to... public.  The thought still scares me a tad & I still struggle from time to time about what people might think about the things I write about.  However, it has become a release for me.

Whether I blog about something crazy & make people think I've completely lost my marbles or I'm blogging about the struggles I may be currently facing in life... I enjoy every minute.  To me, it's fun.  I just can't explain it.

Moving on to whats on my mind today though...

While there are days that me & hubby seem to be making progress, taking big steps in a positive direction... there are other days that set us back to the bottom all over again.  Sometimes I sit & question, what the solution is or how we can get back on track again & then I start to analyze it in the worst way, tearing everything apart in little pieces trying to find the answer.  The end result is that I end up stressing myself out about something I can't change by myself.

Maybe there isn't an answer, maybe there isn't a solution - hell I just don't know.
What I do know, is that it's completely exhausting some days & there have been more than a few moments that I've wanted to throw my hands in the air, but haven't.

When we were going to counseling regularly I saw a difference in our marriage.  However, until the other day, he had not been since November & the last time we had an appointment in February he had to rush off & wasn't able to attend with me, so I ended up going by myself.  It puts a lump in my throat just thinking about the lack of commitment from him on continuing our counseling.  I feel like I'm at a loss & I'm tired of kindly reminding him to call & make an appointment with Paula.  So last week, I called & made another appointment myself... to visit Paula Tuesday evening.  Problem was, when I told him that I had made the appointment, he quickly informed me that he might not be here & there, so initially counseling was shot down.  No matter what came out of his mouth, all I heard was "I'm not going to counseling Tuesday night".

Then after an extremely disappointing weekend, I had finally had enough of the roll a coaster of emotions & hurt... & I gave him a choice to make.  Either go to counseling & make some serious changes starting NOW or move out & on with your life & without us.  Period.

His priorities are not with us & I'm tired of being put on the back burner when we are suppose to put each other #1.  Instead he always seems to choose not even putting us on his list.  We agreed a long time ago that at least one day out of the weekend would be ours & he would be at home to spend time as a family.  This worked for awhile, but it slowly started to dwindle until finally here we are.

Unfortunately Tuesday evening came & he informed me that he wasn't able to attend counseling, but had called & made himself an appointment to attend by himself the next day.

My first thought was... FORGET IT.  This is ridiculous.  If you know that your marriage is on the brink of ending, wouldn't you go above & beyond to make what ever effort needed to fix it?  Maybe it's just me.  Although I will say that my visit with Paula Tuesday evening was great & afterwards I started to think that maybe it was a good thing that it was just me attending instead of us together this time.  I was able to get everything out that was on my mind & speak without him being there.  Paula made me realize that I'm not crazy & I do not have unrealistic expectations of our marriage & of him.  He needs to either step up to the plate or completely step off.

The main issues he has are trying to find the dividing line between parents, work & family.  For him there are no lines & this is a constant problem for our marriage.  If we have plans to do something & his parents call & ask him to do something different... I'm the one who gets pushed to the side & he jumps up & runs to do whatever it is they ask.  Instead of him standing up & saying that he's already made plans or arrangements for the day, he automatically gives in & cancels our plans.  There's always an excuse to go along with why we were pushed to the back burner, but it's just a broken record that I'm tired of hearing.

According to him, his chat with Paula Wednesday went well & I would like to believe he now realizes the true depth of how things currently are between us.  I say this lightly because I'm so use to the routine of things falling back into a ditch again.  This time is strongly different though.  There will be no other chances here, I just can't take it anymore & that's just how it is.

So I guess all I can do is hope & pray our marriage becomes stronger & that from this point forward he puts our family first above anything else.