a new body

With the birth of our precious baby Kayla... came a new body for me.  I have to admit that the first time I took a peak at my incision from my c-section in the hospital, I had a small emotional break down.  I guess it was just a little overwhelming for me at that moment.  The tears just poured down my face without control & as I walked out of the bathroom I saw Fred & I just cried even more.  As he put his arms around me trying to assure me that everything was ok & it would be ok, I felt a little relief but not completely.  The moment soon passed & I started thinking about the reason for the scar in the first place & how it was all well worth it & how I would do it again in a heart beat for my precious baby Kayla.

As the days have passed since that moment... I would still do it all over again because we have this most precious baby as a result.

Ever since I started gaining weight & my body started making adjustments to accommodate Kayla's home in my belly, my self esteem bottomed out & it's been rather hard to part with the fact my body will never be the same as it was once before.  I know losing the weight will be the hardest challenge for me & the question I keep asking myself over & over is... will I ever be sexy again?  Will my wonderful husband think I'm sexy or desire me as he once did?

After years of seeing all my good friends & family have babies & hearing all the emotions they've gone through... now I can understand it first hand myself.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade a moment of what I had to go through to bring baby Kayla into the world.  I just have this overwhelming desire to wake up in the morning & my body to have it's structure back & the pounds just have fallen off magically somehow.  I know, it's a dream world I guess, but that's just my thoughts.

I think we all question whether we will be good parents, when we haven't had the experience before.  Even I, who have taken kids under my wing as my own over the years, questioned myself as well.  Having the opportunity to become a mother is the greatest gift of all I strongly believe.  That overwhelming feeling of love you have for your child is just simply amazing to experience.  I can sit & stare at her for long periods of a time & just think of what a wonderful job my husband & I did to make this beautiful girl.

With all of that said, I'm learning to cope with all of the emotions that rush over me dealing with my new body I've been handed.  My goal is to be healthy & to lose the pounds that I should've kept off over the past two years to begin with.

2011 is going to be life changing for me & for our family for sure.  I'm not yet 100% sure that I'm quite up for the challenge just yet, but I'm definitely going to give it my all... as I always do.

I want to be the best wife I can be to my wonderful husband.
I want to be the best possible mother I can be to my precious baby Kayla.
I want to lose weight & obtain some type of desireable figure once again.
I wish to be successful at my new job & earn a decent income in which to help support my family.

All of these things & more are what I have on my goal list for 2011 & really... my goals for the rest of my life, how ever long that may be.

So my fingers & toes are crossed, hoping that I'm successful at everything I wish to accomplish for the upcoming year.