1st Session

We had our first appointment with "Paula" the counselor tonight.  I was so nervous making the drive there.  I had no idea what to expect, I've never experienced anything like this before, I've only seen & heard about it through friends & family.

I believe our appointment was suppose to be an hour, but instead we were there an hour & half.

Since I had to leave straight from work, Fred met me at Braums & we rode together from there.  Then afterwards, I dropped him back off at his truck & headed north to stop for gas, pick up Kayla & get home.

I will be honest, it's taken me a few hours to process everything we discussed.  It was a little odd for some stranger to be asking questions & you're suppose to just open up & discuss everything.  I know it sounds silly, because obviously that's why we are going is to get help & get back on a smoother path.  I know it won't take me long to warm up more, but since it was the first time my nerves were a little on edge before I even got there.

Our next visits will be one-on-one's to discuss our homework (questionnaire) she gave us each to fill out.  It's basically history about us individually.

As those who know me can imagine... I've already started typing mine up.  Even though my appointment isn't until a week from today.  Damn that might be the OCD in me setting in, who knows.

I can't help but have high hopes that we've made a step in the right direction.

I tried so very hard to hold back all my emotions today... why... well I don't know why.  I just can't answer that.  The best I can explain it is that I felt weak.  When she hit certain spots w/me & I felt the tears coming... my very first thought was, "get up & step out of the room & pull yourself back together again".  Although I didn't do that, the thought absolutely crossed my mind.  Ok it actually crossed my mind more than once.

After I've had time to think about everything & really process my feelings & thoughts... I look forward my next appointment & our future appointments.

Fred is the one who picked her & made the appointment.  I have to say, he did a damn good job picking her, even if it was just a random choice.  Paula is very nice & I really believe she can help us get back on track again.

I love you honey!

The cold hard truth

Sometimes you look at couples & think "wow they have the perfect marriage". The reality is that, we don't really know that everything's perfect. I mean, really... what's the meaning of perfect anyways & is there even such a thing to begin with?

I realized many years ago, once people open up & talk about their personal life, that not everything is always how it seems.  I'm a true believer that when anyone opens up, there could be something they say that helps someone else.

With that said... I've racked my brain for days now trying to figure out if I really wanted to write about this.  After so much thinking & headaches, I decided that I needed to get it off my chest & thats that.

I know for me there have been days that you feel like nobody else could possibly be going through or have gone through what you are.  Deep down I know that can't be true, but it's a hard feeling to let roll off, when at that very moment nobody really has that same issue what ever it may be, big or small.

Life is just tough, plain & simple.

I knew that we would have a lot of growing to do after we said our vows, to make a strong foundation for our marriage & our family.  I guess I never imagined how truly tough the road would be sometimes.  I know we are still in the beginning stages but it already seems that we've hit so many potholes.

Stepping over that line past the first year of marriage, seemed like it came so quickly but yet sometimes it feels as if we've been together for many many years.

The questions on my mind is... when the trust has been broken, how do you begin to fix it?

He lied to me, about something stupid... again.  Yes... I said AGAIN.

The only difference is this time it went to far.  Not only did he lie about where he was, but after he had way to much to drink, he yelled at me, cussed at me, called me stupid along with a few other choice names & told me he was done with me... all on the phone while he was at the bar, then never came home until the next morning.

In my mind, it was over the moment we hung up the phone that night.  I had enough.

Why not just say "hey I would like to go have drinks with my friends for a few hours"?

To me, trust is #1 in any relationship & without it well... there's nothing in my opinion.

I'm not sure what sparked the conversation that took place that night on the phone.  Obviously he's not happy with something in our relationship or with me for that matter & the alcohol forced the words right out.

I'm not claiming to be perfect, I know I bitch & complain sometimes.  However I know I don't deserve to be treated that way, no matter what.  That, I know for a fact.  The other big factor here is that it's not fair to Kayla either.  I definitely don't want my daughter growing up thinking it's ok to lie about even the smallest of things or that it's ok for daddy to lie to mommy.  I'm just not going to let that happen.

Here's the worst part though...
He says he doesn't remember the conversation... but I can remember almost word for word & it's been burned in my mind & heart ever since.  It feels like a gashing wound that won't stop bleeding.

I know he doesn't know the damage this has caused.

I wish there was someway I could've recorded the conversation, I would play it back to him today & he could actually hear every word & I could see what his response would be.

That morning when he finally decided to pull in the driveway, with no prior phone calls... well it was a little rough to say the least.

I was hurt more than anything, but a small part of me hoped that I wouldn’t have to see him face to face for quite awhile.  We eventually talked, but only because I initiated the conversation… as usual.  It seems like anytime he’s done something that he knows isn’t fair to me, he’s silent & doesn’t want to discuss it.  Or if I bring it up, he gets pissed off at me, walks away & really doesn't wanna talk about it.

This time was different though.  He sat & listened to what I had to say.  I cried.  I cried a lot.

He apologized, but an apology isn't going to fix this.  An apology isn't going to make me forget the horrible things that he said to me that night & the fact that he never came home.

I made it very clear that we would need help if we were going to make this work.  Only if both of us were willing to put forth the effort that it's gonna take.  Which entails, seeking out a counselor.  I laid this task upon his shoulders, in hopes that it would be #1 on his list to get our marriage back on track asap.

Two weeks later & counting... there was still no scheduled appointment with a counselor.  He said he called & got a hold of one lady but that she was suppose to call him back... but hadn't yet.

From my stand point, how am I suppose to trust the fact that he had even called anyone?  I mean obviously he's lied to me before, which is why we are in this spot now.  I took matters into my own hands & randomly called 3 places from the phone book & on the 3rd phone call I could've had us an appointment for the next week.  So why was it that easy for me, but not for him?  I immediately questioned him & said that there are two options... make an appointment with someone by the end of the week or move out come the weekend, period.  I explained to him that with as much time has passed there is no excuse for not making the effort to make the appointment & to me, it basically feels like he doesn't care or willing to put forth the effort to try to get things back on track again.  There was a decision to be made here & it was completely up to him.

A few days later, he came to me & said that he had made an appointment which happens to be for this upcoming Wednesday.

I'm not sure what to expect, I've never been to a counselor before.  All I'm hoping for is that it's someone who can help us make things right & to help us get back on a smoother road again.  I can't go on like this anymore.  I can't sit back every single day & pretend everything is fine, because it's not.  I'm just angry at him all the time now & that's just not right.  I don't want to be like that, but I can't seem to control those feelings right now.

I just pray every day that everything will work out.

I know this isn't going to be an easy fix.  I know this is going to take a lot of work & I'm willing to do what ever it takes to repair my marriage & make a strong foundation for my family.  I just hope that he's on that same page... otherwise we're doomed to fail.

Tractor ride

Well it's a given fact, that my father is the proudest papa in the world when it comes to Kayla. He lives for each day when I drop her off at their house in the mornings so he can have his little buddy all day to play with. Of course he couldn't wait to take her for a ride on the tractor, so he's been doing that from time to time when it's not to hot outside.  Whether it be the big red tractor or the lawnmower.  Of course he's not working while he's letting her ride with him... they just take a drive together.

I snapped this pic when dad was at our house helping Fred clean up the yard from our disaster wind storm that knocked out around 8 trees in our yard.  Oh what a mess it was & still is around here.

Kayla really seems to enjoy her tractor rides with her papa & I'm not sure which one of them enjoys it more.

How to make a beautiful life together

This is what the card read that my mother gave me & Fred for our wedding... I really love the words, so I thought I would post to share.

How to make a beautiful life together

Reflections on marriage for the bride and groom

Let love be your shelter

The world is noisy & confusing at times, so make a home that is a haven,

a peacful place where you can listen to your hearts & savor the comfortable closeness you share.

No matter how busy your days may be, make time for yourselves.

Hold hands. Unwind. Surprise each other.

Find little chances every day to show you're grateful to be partners, to be friends, to be married.

Life is not perfect.

You will make mistakes, but each time you meet life's challenges together,

you will grow wiser, stronger, and surer of your love.

Cherish your yesterdays.

They are irreplaceable souvenirs of your journey through life.

Make memories that will bring smiles & sighs whenever you look back.

Look back often!

Look forward, too.

Dream together, plan together.

Make promises to keep.

Believe in your tomorrows, because tomorrows are what forever is made of.

To make love last, put each other first.

That is the way to make it a beautiful life together, the kind of life

you both deserve so much.

Gettin' Fancy Kimberly

When I was growing up, my brother bought me a Kimberly doll & I absolutely loved it. I mean seriously... they made a doll with my name, how cool is that?

Well several years ago I decided that one day I would search until I found them still in the box & purchase each one if my pockets could afford it! My mom still has my Kimberly doll at their house although I'm not quite sure where all her accessories are located, she does however have on the clothes she came with.

GUESS WHAT? For my late birthday gift, my wonderful hubby found one on ebay & bought it for me! The one I had as a girl, is cheerleader Kimberly, but this one is "Gettin' Fancy Kimberly". How totally awesome.

I know some might think I shouldn't be wishing for a doll at such an older age in life, but hey I don't really care what anyone else thinks. I'm still a kid at heart anyways AND come on who wouldn't want to collect a doll that was named after them?

What is funny is that I posted a blog about the Kimberly doll back on December 22, 2009. Click here to read: kimberly doll.

So to my wonderful hubby... THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH & I love you!

4th of July debut

Talk about one very proud papa... my dad asked at least a month in advance if we were going to bring Kayla to the parade so she could ride beside him in the Langston's Wagon. Of course I said yes... well depending on how hot the weather was.

Lady luck was on our side though, the weather that morning was perfect! Overcast, sun wasn't beaming down & trying to melt everyone, it was absolutely perfect.

There was a photographer with the paper that stopped us half way through the parade to take pics, but unfornately she didn't make the paper. We were so proud of her... she rode beside my dad the whole time & did just fine & even seemed to enjoy it. Everyone we knew who saw the parade commented on how sweet that was & how good she was doing for how young she is.

I took pics before it was time for dad & the Langston's wagon to roll through the parade started... just in case Kayla didn't make it the whole way.

Even though it's been over a month since 4th of July, I couldn't help it, I had to post this pic & write about it again.  Isn't she just a doll?

Some catching up to do

I know I keep saying this… but wow how time flies. Every time I think about sitting down to blog, I get side tracked or something comes up & I don’t. It’s becoming more apparent to me that I just simply don’t have time to do anything extra that I would like to do these days. In many ways that’s ok with me, but in other ways I wish that I could get everything in my life more organized so that I can manage to do more.

July is one of those months that always seem like a blur by the time the last day arrives.
Let’s see, here is my July schedule:

July 3rd is my niece Burgandi’s birthday
July 4th is well July 4th
July 6th is my niece Emily’s birthday
July 9th is my great-nephew Bubba’s birthday
July 18th is my niece Rachel’s birthday
July 20th is my birthday

July 27th is my parent’s anniversary
July 27th is our anniversary
July 27th is my friend Amber’s birthday

Not to mention two weekends of rodeos mixed in there as well.
Whew, let’s take a breath. Kinda busy huh?

I am happy to announce that hubby & I will officially celebrate our one-year anniversary though! I’m excited about that. We made it one year, wow. In some ways it’s been a really long one-year, but in other ways it’s kinda crept up fast... if that makes any sense.

We’ve had our share of moments the past few months. Things have been pretty stressful in more ways than one, but the most important thing is that we’ve made it so far.

The den/laundry area project is still under way & the goal is to be finished asap. Maybe I can actually relax a little once I get everything back in order & be able to re-hook all my computer/printer stuff back up & actually be able to walk without dodging large piles of stuff everywhere. Just having everything in such disarray causes me to want to poke nails in my eyes some days.

Of course I can’t write a blog without talking about our precious mini-muffin aka Kayla. Every day she changes & starts doing something new, it’s simply amazing. I’ll admit that sometimes I just want to sit & stare at her because she’s so beautiful. I absolutely love & adore everything about her. Am I nut or what? I’m in love with my little love bug & I can’t help it. She’s currently going through the stage of not allowing anyone to hold her except for a select few… which are daddy, her grandpa, grandma & of course me. Other than that, it takes her about a second when someone picks her up before she starts crying. Nurse Shirley assured me that this stage will pass with some time, so I’ll be thankful for that. It really breaks my heart when Fred’s mom wants to hold her but Kayla just starts crying. I feel so bad even though I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I guess the only comforting thing is when other mothers tell me about them having the same issues with their children when they were around her same age.

No matter what it is, it’s always comforting to know when others have had or are having the same happenings too.

I will have to post pictures of Kayla’s first appearance in the Edmond 4th of July parade this year! Talk about adorable. She sat on the seat right next to her papa for the entire parade on the Langston’s wagon. The only time she didn’t enjoy herself was when the motorcycles roared by… she cried. Other than that, she was a perfect angel & I personally think she enjoyed it. I was truly a proud parent that day!

Nurse Shirley came today & Kayla weighed a whopping 17lbs 7oz & hasn’t grown in height yet. But that’s ok; in my eyes she’s absolutely perfect in every way.

I guess I should talk about the fact that today is my birthday. The big 34 this year & that totally doesn’t seem real to say or write. 34… wow I remember when I was like 20 knowing people that were 34 & thinking that was a long distance away, man was I wrong. It definitely snuck up on me when I wasn’t paying attention.

Honestly though, all in all, I’m ok with 34. It’s another day, another year. I’m alive, healthy & even though I have days that are rough just like everyone else does… I love my life & wouldn’t change it. Well… maybe except for wanting to win the lottery. Ha Ha

I’m not quite sure what this evening holds just yet. The original plan was to paint the ceiling in the den last night, but due to a lack of motivation on both our parts… we decided to plop ourselves on the couch & watch the newest episode of Gene Simmons Family Jewels instead. I’ve already bought the paint & I’m determined to get this project finished in the very near future to save my sanity or what’s left of it at this point.

Well I think I’ve covered a little bit of everything to catch up since the last blog, which was like well over a month ago. I know, shame on me. I promise I will make an attempt to do better in the future.