I realized many years ago, once people open up & talk about their personal life, that not everything is always how it seems. I'm a true believer that when anyone opens up, there could be something they say that helps someone else.
With that said... I've racked my brain for days now trying to figure out if I really wanted to write about this. After so much thinking & headaches, I decided that I needed to get it off my chest & thats that.
I know for me there have been days that you feel like nobody else could possibly be going through or have gone through what you are. Deep down I know that can't be true, but it's a hard feeling to let roll off, when at that very moment nobody really has that same issue what ever it may be, big or small.
Life is just tough, plain & simple.
I knew that we would have a lot of growing to do after we said our vows, to make a strong foundation for our marriage & our family. I guess I never imagined how truly tough the road would be sometimes. I know we are still in the beginning stages but it already seems that we've hit so many potholes.
Stepping over that line past the first year of marriage, seemed like it came so quickly but yet sometimes it feels as if we've been together for many many years.
The questions on my mind is... when the trust has been broken, how do you begin to fix it?
He lied to me, about something stupid... again. Yes... I said AGAIN.
The only difference is this time it went to far. Not only did he lie about where he was, but after he had way to much to drink, he yelled at me, cussed at me, called me stupid along with a few other choice names & told me he was done with me... all on the phone while he was at the bar, then never came home until the next morning.
In my mind, it was over the moment we hung up the phone that night. I had enough.
Why not just say "hey I would like to go have drinks with my friends for a few hours"?
To me, trust is #1 in any relationship & without it well... there's nothing in my opinion.
I'm not sure what sparked the conversation that took place that night on the phone. Obviously he's not happy with something in our relationship or with me for that matter & the alcohol forced the words right out.
I'm not claiming to be perfect, I know I bitch & complain sometimes. However I know I don't deserve to be treated that way, no matter what. That, I know for a fact. The other big factor here is that it's not fair to Kayla either. I definitely don't want my daughter growing up thinking it's ok to lie about even the smallest of things or that it's ok for daddy to lie to mommy. I'm just not going to let that happen.
Here's the worst part though...
He says he doesn't remember the conversation... but I can remember almost word for word & it's been burned in my mind & heart ever since. It feels like a gashing wound that won't stop bleeding.
I know he doesn't know the damage this has caused.
I wish there was someway I could've recorded the conversation, I would play it back to him today & he could actually hear every word & I could see what his response would be.
That morning when he finally decided to pull in the driveway, with no prior phone calls... well it was a little rough to say the least.
I was hurt more than anything, but a small part of me hoped that I wouldn’t have to see him face to face for quite awhile. We eventually talked, but only because I initiated the conversation… as usual. It seems like anytime he’s done something that he knows isn’t fair to me, he’s silent & doesn’t want to discuss it. Or if I bring it up, he gets pissed off at me, walks away & really doesn't wanna talk about it.
This time was different though. He sat & listened to what I had to say. I cried. I cried a lot.
He apologized, but an apology isn't going to fix this. An apology isn't going to make me forget the horrible things that he said to me that night & the fact that he never came home.
I made it very clear that we would need help if we were going to make this work. Only if both of us were willing to put forth the effort that it's gonna take. Which entails, seeking out a counselor. I laid this task upon his shoulders, in hopes that it would be #1 on his list to get our marriage back on track asap.
Two weeks later & counting... there was still no scheduled appointment with a counselor. He said he called & got a hold of one lady but that she was suppose to call him back... but hadn't yet.
From my stand point, how am I suppose to trust the fact that he had even called anyone? I mean obviously he's lied to me before, which is why we are in this spot now. I took matters into my own hands & randomly called 3 places from the phone book & on the 3rd phone call I could've had us an appointment for the next week. So why was it that easy for me, but not for him? I immediately questioned him & said that there are two options... make an appointment with someone by the end of the week or move out come the weekend, period. I explained to him that with as much time has passed there is no excuse for not making the effort to make the appointment & to me, it basically feels like he doesn't care or willing to put forth the effort to try to get things back on track again. There was a decision to be made here & it was completely up to him.
A few days later, he came to me & said that he had made an appointment which happens to be for this upcoming Wednesday.
I'm not sure what to expect, I've never been to a counselor before. All I'm hoping for is that it's someone who can help us make things right & to help us get back on a smoother road again. I can't go on like this anymore. I can't sit back every single day & pretend everything is fine, because it's not. I'm just angry at him all the time now & that's just not right. I don't want to be like that, but I can't seem to control those feelings right now.
I just pray every day that everything will work out.
I know this isn't going to be an easy fix. I know this is going to take a lot of work & I'm willing to do what ever it takes to repair my marriage & make a strong foundation for my family. I just hope that he's on that same page... otherwise we're doomed to fail.
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