Week 16-26

Week 16 thru 26 came & went... here we are week 27. I finally met with Paula last Wednesday. Fred was scheduled to come with me, but he unexpectedly had to make a trip to Clinton to rescue his brother with a broken trailer instead. I decided to keep the appointment with Paula for myself anyways.

Our visit was great as it always has been in the past.  She asked a lot of questions, trying to get caught up on everything the past few months & we just sat & talked.  It felt good to get some things off my chest & to talk about positive things that have happened since the last time I saw her.

Everything is a work in progress for us.  Each day is a new day.  I'm trying to stay as positive as I can for the sake of my sanity & in hopes to keep a bright spirit to set an example for my family.  I do believe that a happy, bright spirit in a person can bring light to others around them, so that's my goal.  Even though I don't succeed at this every day, I sure do try.

I'm very happy to report that my wonderful husband has been great about coming home earlier each day during the week to spend time with us in the evening.  That's been a huge change from before.  I think he started to realize how much he misses with Kayla not seeing her as often & not to mention the time that he & I get to spend together in the evenings is nice as well.  He's also helped with a few small projects around the house which is awesome, some of which I didn't even have to remind him of.

Valentine's Day...
My hubby made me a homemade steak dinner, with salad & corn!  Yum!  Yum!  He bought me the sweetest card & the "Breaking Dawn" movie.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better Valentine's Day this year.  It was truly awesome!  I love you honey.

Even though we still have a lot of challenges ahead, we've most definitely have made some huge strides.

I know this is short & sweet... but for now, that's all I have time for.  More updates to come.

13 months already

Little Love Bug officially turned 1 year old December 9th!  We had a birthday party for her Sunday, December 11th & it went great.  I wasn't quite sure how she would do with so many people in the house, but she handled it perfectly.  When it was time for everyone to sing happy birthday to her & time for her to dig in to her cupcake... well she wasn't to thrilled about it, but by the time we got to that point, she was exhausted & ready for a nap.  The party lasted from 1pm-3pm, which was just the right amount of time.

Kayla got lots of wonderful things, but most of all... time spent with family & friends.  She got some much needed PJ's, clothes, OSU blanket, Sesame Street Dr. Kit, School Bus, Big Bird Ring Stacking Thing, the Elephant Ball Popper & lots of wonderful cards.  I'm probably missing a few things, but let's just say... she had a very blessed birthday!  As soon as the house was clear of birthday guests, it didn't take Kayla long to pass smooth out!
Her birthday cake & cupcakes that we stayed up until 3am making the night before... turned out great!  Fred did all of the frosting on the cake & cupcakes & I wrote with the pink icing on the top of her cake & did the sprinkles for the cupcakes.  Together we made a great team.  Despite not getting near enough sleep.  We should have started the cake & cupcake making project hours before... lesson learned for next time.

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, so I'm going to attempt to catch everything up between then & now.

Then just two short weeks after Kayla's birthday... well it's Christmas!  Since I didn't get her pictures made with Santa Claus last year, I was determined to get it done this year.  Of course last year, she was only a few weeks old & I didn't feel it was necessary to drag her out in the freezing cold weather to have a pic made.  Anyways... we went to Bass Pro & the Santa was great.  Totally believable if you ask me.  The line wasn't long at all, so we didn't have to wait a long time.  I hate waiting in long lines.  I dreaded the thought of even going because of waiting in line, but I had my fingers crossed before we got there & luckily for us, the line was short!  Kayla wasn't quite sure what to think about the whole ordeal though.  She had absolutely no expression on her face & sat there stiff the whole time.  None the less, the pic turned out cute & I was very happy.  I had this fear that she might scream & cry the moment I sat her on Santa's lap, but the exact opposite happened.

We ended up having Christmas with my family the Sunday before Christmas.  The way everyone schedules were, that was the best we could work out, which I thought went great considering it was such short notice.  We had KFC & pizza for lunch, opened presents & just spent time together.  It was such a nice day.  Kayla was worn out & ended up passing out before everyone left.  When she's tired... she's done & that's that usually.  My brother & sister-n-law bought Kayla a Mickey Mouse Pillow Pet, which are very popular right now & my cousin Sherri bought her a Minnie Mouse... she's in absolute heaven with them!  It's so cute to watch her roll & lay on Mickey Mouse.  She sometimes falls down on top of him & just lays there.  If you ask her, "Where is Mickey Mouse?"  She immediately speed crawls over & hugs & lays on him.  So precious!  That's my sweet little love bug!  Christmas Eve, Fred & I ended up opening all the presents that we had under the tree so that Christmas morning would be focused on Kayla.  Fred got me a video camera, hurray, hurray!  I was so excited I could hardly stand it.  I've been wanting one for some time now & I finally got one.  The best part was that I was able to record Christmas morning with just the three of us & Kayla opening her presents.  Now I will be able to capture all the moments that I want her to be able to look back on for years to come.  Christmas Day we went to Fred's parents house, which is our usual routine.  Kayla was a little fussy & wanted me to hold her a lot for some reason, but that's ok.  She got books & some little farm animals with wheels to play with.  Then last Saturday, New Years Eve... we drove to Sulphur for my mother-n-law's side of the family Christmas get together.  Kayla got a cute little piano.  Again she was a little fussy & wanted me to hold her a lot.  Kayla & I ended up driving home by ourselves & Fred stayed to drive his parents home because his dad wasn't feeling well.

Christmas was very busy for us this year, but all in all... we all had a wonderful Christmas.

It was hard to see the year come & go as fast as it did.  Kayla is starting to take more steps on her own each day & everything seems to be changing so fast any more.  My brother & sister-n-law got her a little mini play kitchen for Christmas & I enjoy every minute of sitting in the floor playing kitchen with her in the evenings.  She seems to learn & catch on so fast.

All three of us are going to get our pictures made (today) Saturday.  I told myself months ago that I wouldn't take any pictures until I lost weight, but then my BFF reminded me that this are moments that I can't go back & re-do later on.  And she's absolutely right about that.  So now I'm excited about getting pictures made!  My brother & sister-n-law bought us a picture frame for Christmas that I would love to hang in the living room & Fred mentioned the other day that we should fill it with our family pics that we will be taking, so that's the plan!

Whew... I think that is enough catching up for now.  Hopefully I will find more time over the weekend to blog some more.  But for now... goodnight.

Week 13-15

This week marks 15 weeks since we started counseling with Paula & attempting to repair & restore our marriage.

The last time Fred saw Paula was on November 16th, 3 weeks ago.  So far he hasn't mentioned when or if he's going to make another appointment with her.  I'm trying to be patient, but that's hard to do.  I want him to be motivated in making the effort to make the appointments on his own without me having to ask or remind him.

I wrote Paula a letter the other day & mailed it old fashion "snail mail" to her.  (I don't have her email address)  I just wanted to express my over all feelings & highlight some things I think we've made progress with.  It was a little bit of everything all wrapped up in 2 pages.  I can't explain why I decided to sit down & write her a letter, it just felt like the right thing to do, so that's what I did.

I'm really thinking next week I will call & see if I can make an appointment with her for myself.  Even if Fred doesn't take the lead on making his next appointment or being motivated to do so... well that doesn't hold me back from going to Paula for myself.  I've learned a lot from her & she helps me see things in a different way.  It's very enlightening.

As several people know, anytime I post a new blog... a very select few receive it automatically via email.  Well Fred was one of those people.  I say was... because that's in the past tense now.  After a not-so-nice conversation between us about a month ago, I removed him from the list.  It's not like he can't go to the website & still read it, he's always more than welcome to do that, but it's just not conveniently delivered to his email anymore.  He said my blog was stupid, blah blah blah... which really set me off.  If he didn't like my blog or wished that I remove him from the list, it could have been said in a completely different manor.

The only reason I have this blog in the first place is strictly for myself.  When I write, I feel relaxed.  Even though I know sometimes I tend to be a little over the top crazy, but it's all in fun.  It gives me the opportunity to just say whatever is on my mind, even if I'm a little nuts at times.

We just have to take it one day at a time with baby steps.  My hope is one day soon, it will start to get a little easier.

Hugs to everyone - good night!

4 Teeth

Kayla officially has 4 teeth now... watch out I think in the next few days she might have a whole mouth full.  Seems like over night two more appeared on the bottom.  This morning is when the 4th one finally came through on the bottom.  I could tell it was fixing to make its appearance, but ya never know exactly when that will happen, you just have to keep checking every day.

Her teeth are so cute!  They are so little & adorable.

I bought her a toothbrush & toothpaste awhile back & tried to start brushing her first top teeth but she wasn't having any part of that.  She clinched her lips tight together & wouldn't even allow the toothbrush near her.  Guess we'll have to keep working on that one.  So far, I haven't been successful at even getting the toothbrush in her mouth yet.

I've been dying to get a picture of her itty bitty teeth, but I haven't been successful at that either.  Everytime I have the camera ready & snap a shot, she somehow closes her mouth at the exact moment the picture was snapped.  Go figure, right.

In less than a week, she will be 1 year old.  Ugh, I'm so not emotionally ready for this.  She's already growing to fast... what do I do?  I haven't heard the words mama yet either, so I'm still patiently awaiting that every day.  She's babbling more & more each day, so I'm sure it won't be long now.  I'm just so anxious to hear those words though!

I bought some of her birthday party stuff a few days ago, so I'm kinda prepared for next weekend.  We are just planning a small gathering with cake & ice cream, nothing to major.

Sadly, Friday on her actual birthday we have my company Christmas party that night.  It's only for a few hours though, so that won't be so bad.  My BFF Kat & her husband are coming up to spend the night & go to the party with us.  It's been really nice since Kat & I work together now, we get to see each other more than ever before & spend our lunches & breaks together.  Now if I could somehow convince them to move closer... hmmm... I'll have to keep working on that one.

Hopefully little Love Bug sleeps all night tonight.  Last night she slept from 8-midnight then decided to wake up & wasn't in the mood to go back to sleep for awhile.  I rocked her until she was content then she finally passed back out again.  This morning she didn't take a nap, then when I was getting ready to feed her lunch, she passed smooth out in her high-chair, so I scooped her up & laid her in bed for a much needed nap.  She slept for a little while, but then was back up & ready to play again.  When she awoke from her afternoon nap, she was crying & very upset.  I'm thinking her teeth were bothering her pretty bad.  She seemed so worn out & ended up passing back out in my arms while I was holding her, so I just held her & let her sleep in my arms for over an hour.  She needed the rest & of course I didn't mind holding her while she slept either.  I enjoy every single one of these moments.

Hopefully she'll be able to sleep better tonight & wake up happy in the morning!

4 day Thanksgiving

It was so incredibly nice to have 4 days off work for Thanksgiving!  I felt like we got a lot accomplished over the weekend too.

Thanksgiving Day we went to my brother's house for lunch & ended up staying until almost 3pm.  Then we stopped by Fred's parents house to say hi before heading home for the day.  Poor Kayla was absolutely exhausted by the time we arrived home.

She has a routine every day & when her routine gets out of whack, it takes her the whole day after to recoop & get back on track again.

I'm not one of those crazy Black Friday shoppers, so I didn't leave the house at all Friday except later that evening to go grab some dinner for us.  I will admit it was tempting, especially with all the good deals going on, but I just can't convince myself to actually get out & do it.

I spent most of the weekend working around the house, trying to get the den in order, cleaning & random other things.

Saturday my parents watched Kayla for a few hours while we went in search of a new bed.  A few weeks ago we stopped in Mathis Brothers & I have to say that I will never shop there again.  That place is completely nutts!  You barely get in the door & 90 sales people are waiting to attack you, oh I hate that.  I don't like being harrassed when I'm trying to shop, not to mention there's one million other people in the store at the same time & each with a sales person following them around everywhere. Ugh.  So Saturday we went to Bob Bills & we had a great experience there.  The sales guy that helped us, was nice.  The atmosphere was more calm & not so crazy.  The best part was that we found a bed & bought it!  Despite my reservations about buying a King size bed, that's what we ended up with.  They had a special deal going... King size for the price of the Queen & the King size came with sheets & pillows.  What a deal, huh!  Then we browsed the discount section & found a headboard for $68, woohoo.  Needless to say, Saturday was a great day for us.

We ordered the lower profile box springs so our bed wasn't ready to be picked up until yesterday.  After nurse Shirley left, Fred & I hooked up the trailer & headed to Bob Mills to claim our new bed.  By the time we got that loaded, back home again, then rushed around to get everything moved around & set up... it was 8pm by the time we picked Kayla back up from my parents house.  But let me tell you... that was the best nights sleep I've had in a long long time.  Just like sleeping on a cloud I tell ya!

Sunday I spent most of the day, cleaning house, doing laundry & all the usual house hold chores that come every week.

It was just so nice to have enough days off work that I didn't feel rushed around to get everything done in two days like usual.  Since Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, we are only getting that following Monday off work.  I'm seriously considering taking off a few extra days in there somewhere, just to have a little extra time.  I'm not sure how or if I can swing that just yet, but I definitely plan on looking into it.

We have a lot to be thankful for this year as we always do.  Great family & friends & most of all our beautiful little love bug Kayla.  It warmed my heart to be able to spend more time with her over the 4 day holiday, I enjoyed every minute.

Living with the Passive Agressive Man

I've been reading the book, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  I will admit... parts of this book feel like they wrote it based on Fred.
I was really starting to doubt myself & wonder if maybe I'm asking to much sometimes... maybe I'm pushy... maybe I'm bitchy... maybe all my complaints are truly ridiculous & I'm the one who needs to lighten up.  After I started reading this book, a bright light bulb shined in my face & said, "you aren't really a bitch after all".  Although reading a book doesn't exactly "fix" anything in my marriage, it does help me to feel better & not beat myself up so much about everything.

So far this book is truly amazing to me.  I never would have thought that anyone else would have understood exactly what I'm dealing with or going through, but as it turns out, I'm not alone!

Unfortunately I have an example from today.

Last night before we hung up the phone, he said he would call me this morning around 8-9am.

When I woke up this morning & Kayla got up & around... I noticed low & behold she had TWO teeth that came through.  How exciting right?  Well to me it was very exciting & I couldn't wait for Fred to call so I could tell him about her teeth finally coming through!

8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, 12pm... then 12:30pm rolls around... nothing.  In the meantime I had called at varies times & hadn't gotten any answer until he finally picked up at 12:30.

What are you doing?
Um... waiting for you to call...
Oh, just got cows off the neighbors property.
Um... you said you would call around 8-9ish this morning, but I hadn't heard from you.  I called several times & sent you a text earlier.
(yelling) Well I was getting cows off the neighbors property, so get over it!
Click... I hung up.

Seriously?  Anytime I call him out on anything, he has an immediate excuse in return.

So I sent him a text about an hour later letting him know that I was awaiting his phone call this morning to tell him the exciting news about Kayla's 2 teeth & that by acting the way he did, he's missing out on these things.  He did text me back & said he shouldn't have yelled at me & thanked me for letting him know about Kayla.

Originally he told me that he would be coming in around 3-4ish today.  He waited until 6pm to send me a text & let me know that he wouldn't be in until tomorrow.

I sent him a text back saying, "you said you would be here around 3-4ish today, then you wait until 6pm to text me you're not coming in until tomorrow.  Do you see where I'm coming from?  It's called communication."

His response:  Yes, I tried to send that earlier it did not go through.
My interpretation:  ANOTHER EXCUSE

Where do I draw the line?  We are going through counseling with Paula & just when I think we might be making some progress, we take 100 steps backwards & we're in the same mud hole again.

Maybe if he moves out he will be more motivated to make some changes.  Maybe just maybe he will realize he doesn't want to lose his family & then step up to the plate & do what ever it takes.

The honest truth is, I just don't know anymore.  I just simply don't know.
On one hand, I'm not willing to give up just yet, but on the other hand, I want to give up.

I just want to be able to comfortably breathe again.  I think I deserve at least that.

Dear God, please give me the strength I need right now.

OSU Tragedy

So sad... once again tragedy strikes OSU.  I first heard the news on the radio this morning.

Friday, November 18, 2011, Oklahoma State University women’s basketball coach Kurt Budke and assistant women’s basketball coach Miranda Serna were killed along with two others Thursday night in a plane crash in Perry County, Arkansas.

Now let's take a step back a few years...

On Jan. 27, 2001, three airplanes carrying nearly three dozen members of Oklahoma State's basketball program left Jefferson County Airport near Boulder, Colorado, on a snowy Saturday night bound for Stillwater.
One of the planes, a twin-engine Beech King Air 200, crashed on a snowy hillside near Denver. There were no survivors.  Ten men, ten lives. Gone in an instant.

Kendall Durfey, 38, was a radio engineer for the Cowboy Network. Bjorn Fahlstrom, 30, sat in the co-pilot's seat. Nate Fleming, 20, was a freshman guard. Will Hancock, 31, was the media relations coordinator. Daniel Lawson, 21, was a junior guard. Brian Luinstra, 29, was a trainer. Denver Mills, 55, was the pilot. Pat Noyes, 27, was the director of basketball operations. Bill Teegins, 48, was the play-by-play voice of the Cowboys. Jared Weiberg, 22, was a student manager.

When tragedy strikes... it makes you take a step back & think about how short life can be.  Nobody knows when their last day will arrive.  All those who passed were still young.  Most were younger than I am.  It definitely puts a lump in my throat thinking about it.

To top it off OSU lost their game tonight.  Boo.  Winning might have brought a little sunshine to a gloomy day for them.  That just sucks.

Well I hope everyone says a prayer tonight for all the families of those lost in the plane crash.  So very sad.