How lucky I am

I can honestly say that every single day of my life I'm reminded just how lucky I am to have the most beautiful, wonderful, and precious daughter in the world.  As crazy as it may sound, I'm completely addicted to her.  Her laugh makes me laugh, her smile makes me smile, she's just contagious for me and I don't mind it one bit.

Of all the jobs I've had in my lifetime or all the things I've ever done... being a mommy is the absolute best and highest honor I've ever had or could ever receive.

Tonight as Kayla and I were winding down from dancing to "The Hot Dog Song" and other random songs from the tv... I pretended to collapse in the floor with arms spread out.  Kayla jumps up, runs to grab a blanket and her "doggy" then comes to cover me up with the blanket then attempts to crawl under there with me along with "doggy" too.  Just warms my heart, she's so sweet.

Last Friday night for whatever reason, Kayla didn't sleep well.  At all.
She went to bed at her usual 8:30pm time but then around 1am she was crying.  I went to soothe her, lay her back down, cover her up, etc., but shortly after I had crawled back in bed there she was awake and crying again.  It's a very rare occasion that she will wake up in the night like that so I knew she wasn't feeling quite right.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get her back to sleep, I made the decision to bring her to bed with me, which was around 3am.  I tried laying her next to me thinking I could just cuddle her, but that didn't work she wanted to lay on top of me with "doggy" in hand of course.  So I propped the pillows up where I could lay slightly upright, then within minutes she was sound asleep and still laying ontop of me as well, lol.  I got as much sleep as I could for the next 3 hours and was partially still asleep when we stumbled out of bed into the living room to flip the tv on.  If I would have realized it was only 6am I would have not gotten out of bed, but well I was sleep deprived and a little out of it.  We dozed off and on while laying on the couch watching random things on tv.  I'm glad she just wanted to hang out with me on the couch and not run wild thru the house.

Even though I was seriously sleep deprived all day Saturday and was only about half way functioning most of the day... I enjoyed every minute of it.  It's a good feeling to feel wanted and to know that you are able to put your sweet baby back to sleep when nothing else works.  Apparently she was just wanting some mommy time and wanted me close.

She's growing so fast, so I'm trying to absorb all the sweetest she's willing to give while she's this age.

On another note... I had this bright idea awhile back that I would make a minnie mouse costume for Kayla to wear for Halloween this year.  What was I thinking?  There are times when I don't exactly think everything thru completely before diving off in the deep end.  Well there is no failing this project, one way or the other she will be wearing the minnie mouse costume I make when I finally finish it.  I was attempting to put the sleeves on tonight and well that proved to be a little more challenging then I thought it would be, lol.  I need all fingers and toes crossed and lots of prayers this will turn out good.

I will have to post pics when I'm done!

My cousin Gary

Well I have some very sad news... my cousin Gary has an in-curable lung disease.  Caused from having pneumonia so many times and it's caused a lot of scar tissue to develop in his lungs.  When my aunt took him to the dr the other day, his oxygen level was so low it wouldn't even register on the testing machine they wanted him to breathe in.  This is not good at all.

Unfortunately there is nothing they can do for him except make him as comfortable as possible with inhalers and meds.  My aunt said that slowly but surely it will start to cut off his breathing over time and he will eventually live on oxygen and well... that's about it.  Gary knows what's going on but doesn't know the severity of it.  Because of other health conditions he has, my aunt said that it's best he doesn't know how serious it really is.  It would only make him upset which would cause more harm than good.  Why does it always seem like when it rains... it pours?  He's such a kind sole and the most giving and loving person in the world, but yet he's faced so many challenges in his life that have caused him so much pain and now this.  One more thing to cause him discomfort and pain once again.  It just doesn't make sense to me why things happen like they do, but I guess it's not really up to me to understand the "why" in life either.

Growing up, my aunt was like another mom to me and my cousins, Gary and Sheri were more like siblings to me then cousins.  We've always had a very close bond from the start, that's just how it's always been.  It breaks my heart to know what he's going thru and the long road he has ahead.

We just have to put it in Gods hands and let him lead the way thru the pain.

As Gary always says... "I love you and God Bless"

Going back

Tuesday we had an appointment to see Paula again.  Unfortunately Fred was unable to make it because he was out west working ground in order to plant wheat this week.

I've been after him for some time to make another appointment with Paula so we could attempt to get back on track again... however he never did until late last week and then he couldn't even make it.  A little disappointing for me.

My chat with Paula was much needed and even though Fred couldn't make it I feel like maybe that was meant to be.  I was able to get a lot of things off my chest, I learned a lot and feel I have a new approach to take now.

I learned that I need to take care of myself first and most importantly take care of Kayla as well.  I can't change Fred's priorties to put myself and Kayla first.  I can't change his trail of thoughts or what choices he makes.  However, I can make the right decisions for me and Kayla.  That is what I do have control over.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from the continous conversations we have about why he never comes home when he says he will or the times he promises to be home at least one day on the weekend but yet something always comes up to drag him in another direction.

One thing that really hit home was "you can't love someone enough to change them, they have to love you enough to change."

Wow... so true, so true.  I guess I had never thought of it that way before.  It's amazing how one statement can make such an impact on how you feel about things.  Paula said that she feels like I'm holding back on life because I spend to much time trying to think of what's right for "us" when he is obviously not doing the same in return.  This only causes more weight on me trying to love him that much more in hopes the lightbulb will come on one day in his head and start putting our family first instead of everyone else.

It's hard to believe we've been going to Paula over a year now, but yet we still have the same issues and problems as we did when we first started going.  She said that when there's been little progress and the same issues are there as they were before especially in over a years time frame... chances are it's not going to change anytime soon, if ever.  She strongly suggested that I take a step back and focus on myself and what's best for me and Kayla.  And I think she's right... about everything.

I've "bitched" at Fred so many times about how things may change for a day or even two, but then we take 20 steps backwards all over again.  This is a constant roll-a-coaster that I'm tired of being on.  Unfortunately it just never seems to sink in though.

The truth and reality isn't always easy.  The time he's been away this week has given me time to think and to emotionally relax, so I'm thankful for that.

It's sad to say but when he's not here, I don't have to pick up things left around the house that Kayla shouldn't get into such as knives or medicine.  I don't have to worry about him coming home when he said he would because I know he's not coming home at all.

It's such a loss in so many ways.  I wish he knew the serious impact his behavior has on his daughter and on me.

If only I had some magic pixie dust to make it all better now.

In Remembrance

Lately I haven't the time out of my busy schedule to blog, but tonight I am making the point to.

I want to take a moment and dedicate this blog to several people in my life and you know who you are.

The recent loss of a magnificent woman Mrs. Orr, has saddened my heart tremendously.

I remember the last time I hugged her like it was yesterday.  Mr. & Mrs. Orr were officially moving to Houston to be closer to their daughter and that was really rough for them.  The moving truck was at the house and everyone was working hard to load everything for the long move to Houston.  Fred and I stopped in to say goodbye.  I knew at the time, chances were I wouldn't have the opportunity to see them again.  As I hugged and hugged her tightly that day it was hard to bring myself to walk out the front door to leave.  I managed to keep the tears from flowing until I approached the front doorway and had to force myself to continue walking through it.  Being pregnant at the time didn't help my emotions either.

Months before the move took place, Fred and I had discussed the option of buying the house to raise our family.  It was the perfect location, right down the street from my parents, close to town and work... everything seemed so right but at the same time it was sad too.  They had to leave their dog Spike behind and we took care of him until he passed away just a week after I brought Kayla home from the hospital.  I was devastated to find Spike and truly believe he was heartbroken after they moved away.  Even though we loved and took care of him, I'm sure for him it just wasn't the same without them around.

Mrs. Orr was more than just my best friend Kat's grandma, the neighbor down the street, a wonderful teacher, a great piano player... she was like another mom.  She always treated Kat like she was her child, not her grandchild and she was always so proud to talk about her every chance she got.  You could just see her face light up every time.  She loved all her kids so much and anytime you were around her you could just feel it.  Just being in her presence, with all the warmth she radiated, made you want to strive to be a better person yourself.  I believe she had that affect on everyone around her.

I will always cherish the times that I would call upon her for help with homework that I didn't understand and she was always more than willing to teach me.  Even though I never had her as a teacher in a school environment, she was the best teacher I've ever had.

It was because of her that Kat and I started hanging out together around the age of eight.  Of course our friendship developed into not only best friends, but family as we still remain today.  I can still hear Mrs. Orr telling me on so many occasions how glad she was that Kat and I had remained so close through the years, even though we lived far apart growing up.  Kat and I always looked forward to the end of the school year because she would spend the summer with her grandparents and we would get to see each other.  When we were young girls, we couldn't call each other on the phone because it was long distance and would cost extra money, so from time to time we would mail each other letters.  Her grandma always took us to the mall to shop and she would do her shopping and we would go roam the mall and meet her back at a certain time and she would always be patiently waiting for us in a chair just outside of Sears.

On September 8th, Mr. and Mrs. Orr celebrated 71 years of marriage.  How amazing is that?  Again that is something to look up to and truly appreciate all the love, work and rough roads it sometimes takes to get there.  I always thought it was so cute how you could just look at them and know how much they loved each other by the way they acted towards each other.  I can only hope and pray that someday my marriage can be that strong too.

With regret I won't be able to attend Mrs. Orr's funeral on Monday, because it is in Houston.  If I had the extra money to fly out there, I would do it in a heartbeat.  If I had the extra money to make the road trip, I would do that too.  Unfortunately neither of these are options though.

Even though I'm unable to physically attend the services, I know in my heart she knows how much I love her and will always hold close all the memories we've made through the years.

For my best friend Kat, please know that I will be with you on your 10 hour journey in the morning as well as your return back home.  You know for sure someone else will be watching over you too, and we both know she will most definitely ensure your safe travel!  You will be in my thoughts and prayers as always and if you need anything, you know I'm here.  I love you.

Mrs. Orr, you were an angel here on earth and now you're an angel in Heaven.  I love you forever and always.

First ER Visit

July 7th was Kayla's first ER visit.

Friday, July 6th early evening she was running a high temp, so I gave her some tylenol in hopes it would come down.  I gave her another dose around 1am after checking her temp again & it had creeped up instead of down.  Then Saturday morning when I checked again... it was even higher & she was burning up!  I wasn't sure what was going on so I made the decision to run her down to the ER just to be on the safe side.

She was the absolute perfect ER patient.  All the nurses & doctor were impressed with her.  She was a big girl the whole time & after a full work over, including a urine test, everything came back good & the doctor said she probably just had a viral infection & just to continue tylenol & motrine every 4 hours until her temp came down.

My poor love bug.  I felt completely helpless not being able to fix her immediately.

I know some might say I overreacted by rushing her down to the ER, but hey... better safe then sorry in my opinion.  I felt much better after taking her to get her checked out.

What a weekend that was though.  It just so happened that I had to work all weekend from home & that proved to be a challenge, but I got as much finished as I could & was satisfied with that.

The worst part came that following Tuesday morning, July 10th.  Fred had gotten up earlier to leave the house to take some cattle to the stockyards & not to long after he shut the door behind him... Kayla awoke & was crying, which is not like her at all.  She usually takes a little while to completely wake up & typically she's in a pretty good mood.  But not this morning, at all.

My poor love bug's eyes were completely swollen shut with goop.  It was so sad.  She just cried & cried... I took her temp & it was high so I knew it was time for a dr visit for sure.  I called my dad to come down to the house to hold her for a few minutes so that I could at least make the phone call to the dr office to get her an appointment.  Poor thing, she just wanted her mommy & nobody else... not even her papa.  Luckily they were able to get her an appointment... except the only spot they had available wasn't until 4:30pm that day!

Kayla & I made the most of it though, we played dr & I held warm wash cloths on her little swollen eyes until I could get them un-gooped & she could see again.  They stayed swollen most of the day, but the more time passed the better she got thankfully.  By the time 4:30pm rolled around she was up & playing more & in better spirits.

They did some tests at the dr office & well... she had the flu!  Can you believe that?  What made my blood start to boil was when they said the ER should have caught this when I took her there.  If only they would have swabbed her throat & nose & ran a few other tests we would have caught this earlier & could've given her medication to make her better much faster.  Unfortunately since she had probably had the flu since Friday, there wasn't any medicine to give her for it & we would just have to ride it out for a few more days.  Ugh my poor sweet baby!

Despite having the flu, Kayla was in a good mood.  She had a few days of only wanting mommy to hold her, but besides that she was great!

I enjoyed every minute of being at home, holding her the entire day when she was sick.  I felt needed & that was truly an excellant feeling.  I just wish we could have figured everything out much sooner & helped her get better faster.

I have to say, being a mommy is the best, most rewarding job in the entire world!  Totally priceless in my opinion.

Anonymous email

I have my blog set up where anyone who wishes to post a comment regarding any blog, it first comes directly to my personal email for approval... then if I approve, it will then & only then post pubicly for everyone else to see.

When I received this the other day, I had to take some time to think about it.  Then I decided instead of approving it to post, I would actually address this.

The email I received was in regards to my May 23rd blog:

I was sad when I read this. I not imagine what you going through. He doesn't know what he has. You very sweet friend to me for so many years now and the most beutiful person I've ever known inside out known you for 18 years now. I don't know how anyone could say they are not attracted to you cause you have always been hot not only on outside but inside to. I know I would had loved you better than that. dating you set the standars very high for those I saw after you and there've been times I wish my wife was more like you. (please do not lecture me saying that you know I love my wife)Though you and I did not wofk out in relationship we became close friends over years and I sometimes wish things would have been different. Makes me very sad to read you pain and wish I could tell him how he would regret losing you if he ever does. I know I do regret. don't let anybody take you down you more than that so much more than that. You are one of a kind kim and the best. One millon guys out there who would love you I know it. Havent' talked in long time but Im always goin be here for you always.

The email was signed from anonymous with no name, however I have a pretty good idea of who this is.  I had a few mixed emotions, in a way I was very flattered, but in another way I wasn't quite sure what to think.  First, I wasn't aware that any of my ex's were reading my blog, so that kinda shocked me.  Second, to hear someone say they regret that things didn't work out from a relationship that was sooo long ago, completely floored me.

I know that everyone has their own opinions of what should or shouldn't happen in someone else's life & everyone is entitled to that I suppose.  I do thank you for the email/comment, it did make me feel like "I still have it" in a way, but more importantly I want to say that I do love my husband & I have all intentions of working through things & hopefully getting our marriage on a stronger path.  I appreciate that you didn't automatically strike out with "I should leave him" or any of those types of things.  I know the tough times you've been through in your own marriage & I know that you were simply trying to reach out to let me know someone cares & make me feel better, in which you accomplished.

Thank you for reading my blog & always being a loving, caring friend!

When Your Husband Has Given Up

It's amazing how sometimes things just happen on the days we are struggling the most.  This email came across my path today & I thought it was so fitting I wanted to post it for everyone to read...

When Your Husband Has Given Up
By Lysa TerKeurst

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

The silence. The rejection. The harsh words. The absence of intimacy. The questions. The lack of answers. The hurt.

My heart aches for anyone in a marriage that's struggling. I've been there. Many of us have.  But I think the deepest hurt comes when one spouse resigns while the other is still trying. There is a panic that arises to somehow make the other person wake up, stop their resignation, and help you fix this relationship.

A situation like this is much more complicated than simple answers I could offer here. But might I give you one stepping stone upon which to stand, to stop the panic and balance yourself?

Decide today that you are worthy.

Because you are. Worthy. You may not feel like it. But a quick glimpse at Psalm 139 assures me, you are. And I'd rather depend on the solid truth of God than the roller coaster of fickle feelings.

You are beautiful and captivating and attractive and smart and capable. But if you are in a relationship full of unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and frustrating communication, I suspect you feel a little less than all I've described.

Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.
And if you're anything like me, when you feel broken down those around you get your worst. Then upon all the hurt and anxiety you layer on regret, shame, and the feeling that you've lost yourself. You've lost that girl inside you that used to be so positive and happy and ready to take on the world.

Can I whisper a tender truth to you? The only way to recapture her is to come up for air and remember you are worthy.

Then you can act worthy.

And step aside from the emotional yuck to make some level headed decisions. Get a plan. Talk to wise people who love you and will walk this tough journey with you.

Draw some boundaries with your husband, if there are some needed. Pray like crazy for clear discernment.

And read good books that will help you. I just read Dr. Tim Clinton's new book called, Breakthrough. In it he says, "By discovering God's definition of true love and learning to live by it, we can open the door to freedom. Our future is in God's hands. When you are able to see and embrace this truth — there's your breakthrough!"

Remember you can't control how he acts and reacts, but you can control how you act and react.

Reclaim who you are.

I pray your relationship survives. I pray it with every fiber of my being. But if it doesn't, I pray most of all that the beautiful woman you are rises above all the yuck, still clinging tightly to the only opinion that matters — the One who forever calls you worthy.

Dear Lord, my marriage is struggling. I'm struggling. Help me please. I need to hold on to Your truths that I am worthy. And God, please show me what steps to take to support my marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen.