Happy New Year 2011

Well here we are... it's officially 2011 now.  Whew.  (still hard to believe)

The official countdown starts to me making my appearance back at work this upcoming week.  I have to admit I'm a little nervous about going back to work & leaving Miss Kayla.  Even though I will be leaving her with my parents most of the time while I'm at work... it's still going to be hard to do.  Although I do look forward to getting back to work & back to a routine in some sense, it's just hard to think about.  I know that Kayla will be fine while I'm at work, it just sucks to have to leave her so soon.  Unfortunately I don't have the option of staying at home with her full time.  I'm not sure that would be healthy for me to do anyways, even if I did have the option.

I've only left her a few times so far & only for brief periods of time.  So we really haven't been apart much.  Luckily I'm only going back half days to start off with, so hopefully I don't have to much of a breakdown during that time frame.  I have a long list of things awaiting me when I return to work so hopefully that will keep me busy enough to keep my mind of Kayla while I'm away from her.

I can't say how glad I am that we moved right down the street from my parents.  It's been more than helpful to have them close & with the recent scare of dad being in the hospital again... it's let me realize their age & how living so close allows the opportunity for Kayla to develop a close relationship with them in their last years.  I was only 8 years old when my grandma (dad's mom) passed away & I'm thankful we lived close to her & I was able to have the bond I had with her, I will always cherish that.  This time dad's visit to the hospital was pretty bad & definitely a lot worse then the other visit 2 years ago was.  Even though he was released to go home yesterday, he still has several weeks to fully recover & get back on his feet again.

The truth is... I'm scared.  I'm scared to death of losing my dad.  The mere thought brings tears to my eyes & I can't even imagine how to begin to deal with it.  He's my dad.  He's always been my rock.  Even though he hasn't always agreed with decisions I made as an adult, he's always stood beside me.  When I've fallen face first in the dirt, he's always been there to tell me to get the hell up, wipe the dust off & keep going.  He's never been one to sugar coat things EVER.  That's where my strength comes from... is him.  That's where I learned to be strong & that if I'm determined enough to do something, then I can do it, nothing can stop me.

I can't help but have some jealousy issues considering my brother is 20 years older then me & he's had 20 more years with our parents... then I have.  I know it may sound stupid to put it like that, but that's me being honest about how I feel.  I want my parents to see baby Kayla & any other children we may have, grow up to become young adults.  Both of my nieces have had that opportunity & even have children of their own now too.  I guess sometimes I take advantage of the fact my parents have always been there & I try not to think about the day when they won't be anymore.  That's a hard one.  It's hard to imagine living a life without them.

My sweet grandma has been gone almost 2 years now... & I still have her phone number programed in my cell phone.  Keep in mind I've gotten a new phone since she's been gone too.  I just couldn't bare the thought of removing her phone number.  I'm not sure why.  I don't have the answer to that.  Even though she's in a better place, that doesn't change the sadness in my heart that she's not here to hold my baby Kayla & wasn't able to attend my wedding.

I know... everyone is probably thinking that I'm on the sad train today & well maybe you're right.  It must be hormones, at least that's what I'm going to blame it on for now.  Talk about a roll-a-coaster somedays, wow.

I guess I had hopes of spending more quality time with my hubby this weekend, but as it looks like that's probably not going to happen.  It would be nice for him to come up with an idea for us to do something together or maybe surprise me with renting a movie I've been wanting to see, something, anything.  He has a slight addiction to ebay & craigslist... so I have to say that most of the time when he's home, he's on the laptop.  I'll admit it's kinda frustrating sometimes.  It's just nice to be recognized or have some extra attention right now.  I guess you could say I've fallen in to that same ole role every other mom has... nobody wonders about me, it's all about Kayla & suddently I've become transparent.  To a certain degree, I'm totally on board with that, because Miss Kayla is the center of my world no doubt.

Well I'm attempting to get some work done from home today, to hopefully knock out a few things in advance before I get to work next week & get some hours in too.  Although, Miss Kayla is only allowing me about 30 minutes at a time before becoming restless for some reason.  Go figure as soon as her daddy left earlier, she immediately woke up... like some kind of alarm went off or something, what's up with that.

I made the decision to write a quick blog today in between work & Kayla time.  Now I must return to my endless amount of paperwork to enter, ugh.

Well anyways... Happy New Years day everyone.  Let the new year begin!