Living with the Passive Agressive Man

I've been reading the book, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man".  I will admit... parts of this book feel like they wrote it based on Fred.
I was really starting to doubt myself & wonder if maybe I'm asking to much sometimes... maybe I'm pushy... maybe I'm bitchy... maybe all my complaints are truly ridiculous & I'm the one who needs to lighten up.  After I started reading this book, a bright light bulb shined in my face & said, "you aren't really a bitch after all".  Although reading a book doesn't exactly "fix" anything in my marriage, it does help me to feel better & not beat myself up so much about everything.

So far this book is truly amazing to me.  I never would have thought that anyone else would have understood exactly what I'm dealing with or going through, but as it turns out, I'm not alone!

Unfortunately I have an example from today.

Last night before we hung up the phone, he said he would call me this morning around 8-9am.

When I woke up this morning & Kayla got up & around... I noticed low & behold she had TWO teeth that came through.  How exciting right?  Well to me it was very exciting & I couldn't wait for Fred to call so I could tell him about her teeth finally coming through!

8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, 12pm... then 12:30pm rolls around... nothing.  In the meantime I had called at varies times & hadn't gotten any answer until he finally picked up at 12:30.

What are you doing?
Um... waiting for you to call...
Oh, just got cows off the neighbors property.
Um... you said you would call around 8-9ish this morning, but I hadn't heard from you.  I called several times & sent you a text earlier.
(yelling) Well I was getting cows off the neighbors property, so get over it!
Click... I hung up.

Seriously?  Anytime I call him out on anything, he has an immediate excuse in return.

So I sent him a text about an hour later letting him know that I was awaiting his phone call this morning to tell him the exciting news about Kayla's 2 teeth & that by acting the way he did, he's missing out on these things.  He did text me back & said he shouldn't have yelled at me & thanked me for letting him know about Kayla.

Originally he told me that he would be coming in around 3-4ish today.  He waited until 6pm to send me a text & let me know that he wouldn't be in until tomorrow.

I sent him a text back saying, "you said you would be here around 3-4ish today, then you wait until 6pm to text me you're not coming in until tomorrow.  Do you see where I'm coming from?  It's called communication."

His response:  Yes, I tried to send that earlier it did not go through.
My interpretation:  ANOTHER EXCUSE

Where do I draw the line?  We are going through counseling with Paula & just when I think we might be making some progress, we take 100 steps backwards & we're in the same mud hole again.

Maybe if he moves out he will be more motivated to make some changes.  Maybe just maybe he will realize he doesn't want to lose his family & then step up to the plate & do what ever it takes.

The honest truth is, I just don't know anymore.  I just simply don't know.
On one hand, I'm not willing to give up just yet, but on the other hand, I want to give up.

I just want to be able to comfortably breathe again.  I think I deserve at least that.

Dear God, please give me the strength I need right now.

OSU Tragedy

So sad... once again tragedy strikes OSU.  I first heard the news on the radio this morning.

Friday, November 18, 2011, Oklahoma State University women’s basketball coach Kurt Budke and assistant women’s basketball coach Miranda Serna were killed along with two others Thursday night in a plane crash in Perry County, Arkansas.

Now let's take a step back a few years...

On Jan. 27, 2001, three airplanes carrying nearly three dozen members of Oklahoma State's basketball program left Jefferson County Airport near Boulder, Colorado, on a snowy Saturday night bound for Stillwater.
One of the planes, a twin-engine Beech King Air 200, crashed on a snowy hillside near Denver. There were no survivors.  Ten men, ten lives. Gone in an instant.

Kendall Durfey, 38, was a radio engineer for the Cowboy Network. Bjorn Fahlstrom, 30, sat in the co-pilot's seat. Nate Fleming, 20, was a freshman guard. Will Hancock, 31, was the media relations coordinator. Daniel Lawson, 21, was a junior guard. Brian Luinstra, 29, was a trainer. Denver Mills, 55, was the pilot. Pat Noyes, 27, was the director of basketball operations. Bill Teegins, 48, was the play-by-play voice of the Cowboys. Jared Weiberg, 22, was a student manager.

When tragedy strikes... it makes you take a step back & think about how short life can be.  Nobody knows when their last day will arrive.  All those who passed were still young.  Most were younger than I am.  It definitely puts a lump in my throat thinking about it.

To top it off OSU lost their game tonight.  Boo.  Winning might have brought a little sunshine to a gloomy day for them.  That just sucks.

Well I hope everyone says a prayer tonight for all the families of those lost in the plane crash.  So very sad.

OSU fan in the making

Well here is our OSU fan in the making!  She is sporting an OSU hoodie that was handed down to her from her cousins.  Very cute, huh!

To go along with the awesome OSU hoodie... well there is that precious heart melting smile of hers!

We still haven't seen any teeth poke through yet.  I'm also still patiently waiting to here "mama" come out of her mouth.

Her birthday is coming up quickly & I'm not even remotely prepared.  I'm thinking she needs a zebra theme, but I haven't made up my mind just yet.  My plan is to make a cake for the adults & cupcakes for the kids.  That way Kayla can have a cupcake to distroy instead of a chunk of cake.  We don't plan on having a big shin-dig or anything.  Just immediate family & a few friends.

I am looking forward to the future when she wants to have girl sleep overs & girly birthday parties though.  I'm sure that will be fun but possibly exhausting for me, ha ha.

Everyone keeps saying we need to cut her hair because it's grown so long in the back & looks funny... well... I'm not cutting it because I don't want to & that's what I have to say about that!  Even though she has some what of a mullet going on... personally I think it's cute & when the time is right, then we will cut it.  Until then, it's perfect the way that it is!

The one thing I am dreading that is coming up... is her one year shots.  Ugh.  She's done so well the past two times, I hope this time is just as good.

Week 12

Fred had his one-on-one appointment with Paula today.  When I asked him about it, he didn't really discuss any details.  However, he did tell me that they talked about his wreck mostly & I know that's a very emotional part of his past that is VERY hard for him to talk about with anyone.

I'm glad that he was able to discuss his emotions with Paula & hopefully it helped him.

He is suppose to call Paula & set an appointment for next week.  I'm not sure if it is going to be another one-on-one or if she wants to see both of us just yet.  I guess we'll find out when he calls.

Conner is officially 1

Well it's official... tomorrow my sweet little grandbaby Conner is 1 year old now.  How is this even possible?

I think the funniest thing is that Kayla was suppose to be born before him & everything turned out the opposite & Conner decided to show up early.  Thankfully though, he was healthy & absolutely perfect.  He ended up staying a few nights in the hospital, but of course we were all just very thankful for his healthy arrival.

I know it might seem a little weird that I call him my grandbaby even though he's not technically flesh & blood to me, but hey... I love him just like he might as well be.  In my opinion that's all that matters.

Rach had his birthday party on Sunday, so Kayla & I headed to the big town of Orlando for the party.  Fred didn't end up going with me.  He was suppose to head out to Carter with a load of hay.  There was a ton of people there.  Conner got so many presents he got tired of opening them, ha ha.  I guess you can say, he's very loved... that's for sure!  I'm crossing my fingers that Kayla doesn't end up with near that many.  She's only turning 1 - she doesn't need that much, right?

I didn't get to really spend any time with Conner, because there was so many people there & so much was going on it was overwhelming for him I'm sure.  He got a little cranky after awhile but once he got into the cake he was happy & content again.  I know for a little one... it must be hard to open a present & not be able to just concentrate on playing with that one for awhile before having to move onto opening another one.  I can see the frustration there.  I would have to say overall though, he did great with everything!

I was hoping to get a few pics of him & Kayla together, but unfortunately I didn't.  Hopefully at Kayla's upcoming birthday party I can get some though.  I think that would be too cute.

I'm so proud of Rach.  She's done so well in her life & that just makes me so happy.  Especially to watch her with Conner, it's cute.  She informed me the other day that if all goes well, she will finally be graduating college in December... woohoo!  The funny part is that she won't find out how she did on her finals until after she walks across the stage, but hey I think if she gets to walk across the stage then that should be a for sure graduation, don't ya think?

People who don't know our situation, well it's sometimes hard to explain to them.  I typically get a funny look of confusion, but that doesn't bother me.  The fact is, that Rach & I have a strong bond & I truly believe it will always be that way.  We've gone through some difficult times together & always came out better on the other side.  I made a promise to her many many years ago that no matter what I would always be a part of her life & that was a promise that I planned on keeping.  Rach means the world to me & I love her as if she is my very own.

I believe that even though sometimes we may not understand the way our lives twist & turn, there is always a reason for the road in which we end up taking.  Sometimes it's a bumpy one, no doubt.  I have to say though... it's always worked out for the better.

Happy birthday to my sweet Conner - nana loves you!

Date Night

A long time coming now... Fred & I finally had a date night Saturday night.  My mother-n-law came over to our house to watch Kayla.  She got here about 7:30pm & then we headed out.  Our original plan was to catch a movie & eat somewhere.  Unfortunately the next show times were around 10pm or so.  With that, we decided to head to Bed Bath & Beyond to do a little shopping with the gift cards we still had left from our wedding... yeah from over a year ago.  Sad, I know.

I'm extremely happy to announce that I became the proud new owner of a KichenAid Artisan Mixer!  Oh, isn't it just beautiful... I love it!  So I've been wanting one of these for like EVER now & the broke down hand held mixer I've had for 100 years kicked the bucket many years ago.

We looked the store over before we made our decision.  There are several things I would like to have from there, but this mixer is better than anything else in my opinion.

I'm not a professional cake baker by any means, but I do like to cook & bake though.

After we left Bed Bath & Beyond, we stopped at Walgreen's to pick up my medication, which I thought was going to be a quick stop, boy was I wrong.  They had the prescription wrong & I ended up having to wait for them to correct it... in the meantime a whole slew of people decided to come to the pharmacy, so the line went from being just me to like 8 more people.  Needless to say, we were in Walgreen's longer than what we had planned on.

Since we hadn't eaten at Applebees in awhile we decided to go there for dinner.  We walked in the door & low & behold they were having karaoke night... since when did Applebees start doing this?  Good grief it was loud in there.  I was close to turning around & walking back out the door to go somewhere else, but I figured what the heck we're already here, maybe it won't be that bad.  We sat down & ordered our drinks & food.  I was in the mood for chicken fried chicken, steamed veggies w/mash potato's & gravy - oh yum!  When our food came, my mash potato's were hiding under my chicken fried chicken & there was no gravy, ugh not cool.  I requested gravy for my mash potato's & the waitress informs me that it will cost extra for that.  Who doesn't like gravy with their mash potato's, geez.  Fred quickly told her he didn't care if there was a charge, just to bring it anyways.  The time span between the waitress leaving the table to put the order in for my extra gravy & the time it actually arrived... well lets just say Fred was completely done eating & I had finished my veggies & half of the chicken fried chicken.  What a crock.  I was not happy with this experience.  The wait staff & manager seemed to busy trying to karaoke instead of wait on their customers.  I think I will wait awhile before going back there to eat again.

After leaving Applebees we decided to run by Wal-Mart to grab a few things we needed before heading home.  Wow... the most interesting people show up at Wal-Mart late at night.  As I was looking at little girl clothes, two young guys approached me & started pointing & singing to me.  Yes, you heard that right... just randomly started singing to me.  Then they laughed & said "did we embarrass you", my response was, "no I think you're embarrassing yourself more than anything".  They quickly walked off, arms around each other, skipping & singing away.  Odd, huh.  Wait it gets better.  So then I walk off to find Fred & ask him if he heard the singing, he said he heard it but wasn't sure what the heck it was.  Ha Ha

While walking through the dairy isle to grab some yogurt, I passed a guy that had the tattoo "Jesus Freak" in HUGE letters down his arm.  Then a guy wearing skin tight purple jeans had on so much colonge that I think he was determined to kill me... well he seemed to end up on every isle we were.
This is just a touch of our date night evening Saturday night.  Crazy huh.  Even though it was definitely an interesting evening... we still had fun.  It's always nice to get out & do something once & awhile.

Now I just hope it happens again in the near future without me having to ask or beg for it.

Week 11

So after showing up at the wrong Barnes & Noble last Sunday night to pick up the book I reserved... I finally ended up at the right one on Monday during my lunch break.  Guess I should've verified more specific directions instead of ,"is this the store on May Ave", not realizing there were two stores on May Ave, the difference being they are about 10 miles apart.  Ugh.
This is just how my luck runs most of the time though, so I'm use to it by now.  No worries.

So far the book is great!  I've been trying to read a little every night when I crawl into bed.  I do wish that Fred & I could read the book together, but instead I will look on the bright side & say that at least he's willing to read the book in the first place, right.

Last weekend, we had a good time together. His parents went out of state for a wedding & were gone the entire weekend. It was nice to not hear his phone ring off & on all the time. The best part of all, was that he was actually home with us. Saturday we went to Mathis Brothers & one other place in search of a new mattress. We ended up not buying anything, but I'm praying that it won't be to long before we make that purchase. I'm not sure how much longer my back is gonna hold up on the hard brick we've been sleeping on the past few months. Let's just say, getting up in the mornings, I feel like I should be in my 90's instead of my 30's. Every single muscle & bone hurts in my body, almost like I got into a fight during my sleep. Ugh. Not a healthy feeling at all.

Some days I feel like we take a few steps forward, but then other days I feel like we are stumbling in reverse at a high rate of speed.  More so in reverse here lately though.

Just when I think I see a small shimmer of light in the far distance... the light goes back out again.  I don't understand.  I'm worn smooth out.  I'm exhausted & just flat tired.  I feel like I'm at a loss & don't have a clue what to do anymore.  I can't make things right all by myself... it takes TWO people to make a marriage successful, not ONE.  If I thought for a minute that my actions were costing me my marriage, I would do what ever it took to change & fix those things to make it right again.  Unfortunately those are my thoughts & feelings & I can't force someone else to feel the same.  They have to want it, before it can happen.

This week neither of us saw Paula, although Fred did finally make his one-on-one appointment with her for next Wednesday.  I probably won't hear many details on how that goes, I guess we will see when that time gets here.

What a roll-a-coaster life is sometimes huh!  Some days I wish I could crawl back into bed & start the day over.  Heck, I wish I could erase a few months back & start over sometimes.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

Dear God, I need more strength.  Please.