A cry for help

It's almost been two years now since we first started counseling with Paula.  Hard to believe its already been that long.  I'm thankful for counseling in many ways and I can honestly say that I've learned a lot about myself through this process.  It's been a tough road and we still have a really long ways to go yet.

When we started counseling, I thought things could only go up from that point.  I didn't even think about it being such a roll-a-coaster ride, which is exactly what its been.

If someone were to ask me how I felt about the overall results from counseling, I wouldn't know what to say.  We still have a lot of the same issues we had when we started, and after all this time I'm starting to lose hope that those things will ever change for the future.  I tried so hard to be a positive person and work on things, however the continued neglect on the other side, well that's only made my heart harden a little more each day.

Our communication is for the most part one-sided.  I guess he feels that its not necessary I know whats going on or that its not a big deal.  He could go out of town and I wouldn't have a clue until later when he decides to tell me or if I ask him what he did or how his day went.  Every time I ask him why he doesn't call to let me know whats going on, his answer is always the same... "I didn't think it was a big deal" OR "I didn't think about it."

A simple phone call or a simple conversation can go a long ways - it's getting him to understand that communication is a HUGE part of a marriage or relationship.  When you don't have good communication... then what?

I would have to say the two biggest issues we have is communication and the fact that he's more committed to his parents then he is to his family (Kayla and I).  We could have plans already set, however, if one of his parents call, then our plans immediately go by the way side - no questions asked.  Of course he doesn't see it this way.  The constant response I get is, "It's my job" or "I can't help it, it's just the way it is and has to be."  Which is total bullshit in my opinion!  The truth of it is that he's too afraid to stand up to his father and tell him that he already has plans with his family.  He would much rather hurt or upset me and Kayla then to stand up to his father OR tell him no.

I beg for attention from him on a constant basis... for Kayla's sake as well as mine.  He doesn't seem to see or understand the big picture of what's happening to our family.  It's completely falling apart at the seems.

Just this morning, after taking Kayla to the bathroom - as we were leaving the bathroom I said "let daddy come put your diaper on because mommy needs to jump in the shower"... her immediate response was, "daddy is to busy for me."  If she were saying that about me, I would be heart-broken at the fact she would even think for a minute I was to busy for her.  Yet, even when I tell him what she's said - I don't see much of a reaction from him.  I don't always tell him everything she says when he's not here, but there are times when I will admit I shed a tear with the things she says.  At three years old - she knows and seems to understand so much.  She's told my aunt on more than one occasion that "daddy doesn't live here."  Which absolutely kills me to think she would say something like that.  I only witnessed her say that once and other time I was told about it.

Around Valentine's Day, he had a small fall out with his father and for a whole week I actually felt like I had my husband.  It was amazing - he was home early in the evenings, we talked constantly and I tried to be there to comfort him through everything he was going through.  I actually saw a different person come out in him.  I really can't explain how amazing it was to see him stand up to his father and I could see that it was a huge relief for him to have done that.  I was so proud of him in so many ways that week.  The man I know he is and the man I married was with us that entire week and I loved every minute of it.  Unfortunately shortly there after - things went right back to the way they were before though.  I've felt crushed ever since.  For a short week I really thought maybe the light had finally came on with him.  I was wrong.

I know the kind of person I am better than anyone else does.  I know where my limits and boundaries are and when to say "enough is enough".  That's the spot I'm in today.

I remember Paula mentioning at a session some time back, that over a period of time, continuous negative things can cause the heart to harden towards someone.  Unfortunately that's been slowly happening to me.

When we took our vows, the preacher read from the bible:
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

I never realized just how deeply those words would affect me at the time the preacher said them.

A line has to be drawn between work and family - period.
For the longest time I tried to make excuses to myself and say "he's just a guy."
That's such bullshit though - he's a guy YES however I know many men that have quit their jobs, moved, and done numerous things for the sake of their families.  Yet I'm married to someone whose last priority is just that - his wife and child.

All I know is that we have an appointment with Paula on Wednesday - 2 days from now.

God help me, if something doesn't change soon.

How do you really know when it's time to call it quits and move on?
How do you really know when you've given everything you can possibly give and it's time for a dramatic change?

All I know for sure at this point is this... I'M TOTALLY DRAINED!
I find myself depressed thinking about everything.  I want to run outside and scream to the top of my lungs in hopes someone would hear my cry out to save our marriage before it's to late.

I can't imagine not wanting to change anything and everything to be with our sweet little sugar plum... she's the total highlight of my life.  Every breathe I take, every minute I'm awake or asleep - it's all about her.

Say a prayer tonight for my sanity, my marriage and my little sugar plum.

A Heavy Heart

My heart is crying tonight... my cousin Amy ended her life today.  I'm totally heart broken at the thought her life is now over.  I will never get to speak to her again or reminisce on all the years we ran around together back n the day and all the fun times we had together.  We were close once.  The pain our family feels right now is unspeakable.  It took a little while to sink and I'm still in some what disbelief.  This has to be some sort of nightmare that I'm in and surely I will wake up tomorrow and none of this would have happened.  I feel so badly for her sweet kids, grand kids, parents, brother, sister, nieces, nephews and everyone else that loves her so much.  Everyone loved her... she just had an awesome personality that drew people to her.  She had her struggles in life, there's no doubt about that, however she was always a person you just wanted to be around.  She was just so much fun!  Some of my best memories are hanging out with her.

My dear Amy... I love you so much, I regret that we haven't been as close the past few years.  I can't grasp why you made the decision that you have... however I will forever love you, miss you and always remember the great memories we made together!

Another day another diet

Well the past week has been interesting to put it lightly.  Some of which I can't discuss however I will just say that it's been trying in every way possible.

The crazy weather we've been having is totally nutts.  A little over a week ago I was in a short sleeved shirt pulling Kayla around the yard in her wagon having a grand ole' time outside... then the next day... freezing temps followed by snow & the temp in the teens.  I guess that's what we get here in good ole' Oklahoma huh!  Gotta love it.

So I started on yet another diet plan today!

I've read about it all over the internet and so far I hadn't read anything negative so I thought to myself the other day... "WHY NOT?"

It's called - Pure Cambogia.  Tons of celebs have lost lots of weight on it, so surely it should work for me too right?  I guess we'll see and I will keep everyone updated on the results as I go.  I ordered the free 4 week trial online, you just have to pay shipping... and no there's no other tricks that I've found.  You really just pay the shipping and nothing more - no future commitments or anything.  I was sold with that right off.  I figured heck if I try it and in 4 weeks I don't see the results I want then I won't mess with ordering more.

With this plan there's two bottles:

1.  Pure Cambogia Ultra

2.  Bowtrol Detox

I ordered both for under $10.00 in shipping and they arrived within 3 days.  Pretty awesome!

Even though I've already lost 33 lbs with another weight loss plan... I'm still to embarrassed to post my current weight for who knows who to see on here.  Through this 4 week process, I promise to be honest and post exactly how much I lose or (heaven forbid) gain.

My goal is not just losing the weight, but to feel better about myself and gain some of my self esteem back that I've lost through the past few years.  I've blown up over the past 4 years and I've been totally unhappy with not only the way I look but the way I feel on a daily basis.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the woman looking back at me.

I don't want my old body back.... I'm ready for my new body!

I want to get my sexy back!

Wish me luck, cross your fingers and toes... and please pray for me the next few weeks.

I'm going to need all the support I can get at this point!

Looking back on 2013 and today

Looking back on the year 2013 and today...

We've had a rough year to put it lightly.  Ups, downs... both good and bad times together.  I know that marriage isn't easy, however marriage is more challenging when the most effort is only one sided.  I took my vows seriously and refuse to give up easily... even though I will admit that it's crossed my mind more often in the past year than ever before.

If I had to sum up how our relationship is today - I would say we just live under the same roof at this point.  I know it's sad to say, however that's the cold honest truth.

We haven't been back to see Paula again together since 2012.  I went by myself a few times last year... in fact a little over a month ago I called her again for another appointment.  Paula has been a huge help for me personally in so many different ways.  It's no front page news that I've been unhappy for awhile now with the way things are in our marriage and Paula has really helped me cope with my feelings and understand that I'm not unjust in the way I feel.

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is his lack of priority for our family.  Kayla and I always come last if at all on his list.  The majority of his time is spent elsewhere catering to someone else's wants and needs.  I simply can't depend or count on him to be home when he says he will.  He basically sleeps here and is not an active participant in our household, relationship and especially his relationship with his daughter.  It breaks my heart to see the scar he's causing not only with me but mostly with Kayla.  I'm the one who always has to come up with the answer for why daddy isn't home or is never here with us.  The older she gets, she asks more questions and comes up with her own conclusions for where daddy's at.

Yesterday he went to help a friend and their children at an FFA show out of town... came home at 11pm, then fell asleep on the couch while we were watching tv.  Before we went to bed the brief conversation we had was that I needed to work from home today to catch up on things I was unable to get done this week while at work and he informed me that he needed to help his friend and kids again this morning with the show.  He needed to be there by 7am!  Basically he saw Kayla briefly yesterday morning and hasn't seen her since.  As he was leaving this morning, I awoke and followed him to the front door.  I said to him... "so I guess I need to call my parents to help watch Kayla today while i work since you're leaving again?"  His response was that he would be home by 1pm and he made an attempt to hug me before he left and the only thing I could say was, "just go."  With tears streaming down my face as he left, all I could think was the rough week I've had, the few nights I hadn't slept and was worn completely out... all I ask is for an extra hour of sleep on Saturday mornings and it's very rare that I have to work from home on the weekends and for him to make me a priority in his life for once instead of someone else.

The words Paula told me at our last meeting ring loud in my head today... "he's never going to change."  She simply told me that she was worried about the well-being for Kayla and I and said that she worries I'm holding on to someone who doesn't love his family enough to make the necessary changes in his life in order to hold this family together.  She reminded me of the times we've visited her together and we discussed the visits Fred and her had as well.  She said that she honestly believes he loves us... just not to the magnitude he needs to put us first in his life.  Then she told me, "you're not lost... you know where you're going or want to go in life... he's the one whose lost and needs to find himself."  Her last words that day were that she felt as if the marriage was already diminished and I was still holding out hope for something that was already lost.  Deep in my heart, I know she's right.

I've talked until I'm blue in the face to him about things and nothing seems to sink in.  I know that Kayla and I deserve to be someone's priority and I wish we were his.

After he walked out the door this morning, I kept thinking... why me?
Why does he have to be such an asshole to us?
Why is it 5pm and I still haven't heard from him?  Didn't he say he would be home at 1pm... once again ANOTHER LET DOWN!  Proving that we have no number on his list, hell... we aren't even on it.

I have a lot on my mind these days.  A lot of hurt inside for myself as well as Kayla.

This morning when Kayla crawled in bed with me shortly after he had left... she says "daddy isn't here and didn't come home?"  So I had to explain that he was home but had to leave again early.  Then my aunt stopped by for a few minutes earlier and she simply asked me if Fred was working and before I could say anything Kayla said to her, "daddy doesn't live here anymore!"  I had to remind myself to breathe because tears were about to fill my eyes.  My aunt just looked at me and asked if everything was ok and I said yes it's just been one of those days.  She could sense I didn't want to talk about it and didn't say anymore about it.  I told Kayla she was silly and said daddy still lives here why would you say that... she just said "ok haven't seen him."

Well I guess that's enough for today.  I have to make an attempt to get some work done while Kayla is awake... which is challenging!!!!

It's 2014 and I'm Back!

I am way past over due for blogging these days... in fact I had to end up resetting my password because it had been so long that I couldn't remember my old one, lol.  A year is a long time - I'm really going to make an effort to do better though.  I actually love blogging and I just need to make time to do it more often!

Weight Loss News:
I will start off with the good news... I lost 33 lbs in 2013 - woohoo for me!
It hasn't been an easy road and I still have a ways to go yet, however I'm proud of myself for the 33 lbs that I've lost so far.  It's a good start at least!!

Kayla update:
I'm struggling with the fact another year has come and gone.  My sweet baby turned 3 years old last month and she's growing up way to fast not to mention she's more adorable each and every day that passes.  I still can't get enough of her and I value each and every moment we can spend together.  She started Goat Undecorating at the Jr. Rodeo this year and she absolutely loved every minute of it.  It was just so cute to watch her.  After so many years of putting my heart into it for everyone else's children... I finally get to see the excitement on my own child's face when she participates, it's just an amazing feeling to have.  Everyone has their opinion's about the fact that it's a lot of time, work and stress - basically like having a second job sometimes to do what I do as a volunteer... however my payout doesn't come in cash form... it comes from the warmth of the children and parents who are appreciative when they know the time that's involved and how I pour my heart into the work I do there.  Truth be told there are some that like to challenge my sanity from time to time, however I try to take a few steps back and remind myself again why I'm really there and that I cannot change the negativity that some choose to carry and attempt to pass forward onto others around them.  I think in every organization no matter if it's rodeo, basketball, baseball, etc. - there are always going to be those people out there... and you can't always make everyone happy no matter how hard you try.  I've always been proud of our organization and look forward to many more years to come!

Bathroom Remodel:
Let me offer a little sound advice... if you only have one bathroom in your home... please consider adding on a second bathroom before deciding to put the only one you have almost completely out of commission for 2-3 weeks.  This my friends is a challenge I do not wish to do over again, LOL.  We ended up completely gutting it down to the studs... and so down the street I went to my parents house to take showers every evening, plus give my little honey bear a bath as well.  I have to say the good thing was that the toilet in our house was reset everyday so we weren't completely out of commission and we could use that when we needed to... just no showers or running water for the sink.  In a nutshell, we basically used the kitchen to brush teeth, wash hands, etc. until everything was back in order again.  For those that know me... I don't do well with everything out of sorts, so my sanity was pushed to the edge for this project.  I have to say I'm beyond thrilled with the final product and every time I walk in my bathroom now, I still can't believe it's our house, LOL.

One of my goals for 2014 is to blog more.  I really do enjoy it and it also helps me release thoughts I have even though some might question my stability at times, LOL.

~Until we meet again~

2013 Here I come

2013 is here and I have to say I wasn't fully prepared.  I played the Power Ball yesterday in hopes that the dreams I keep having that I win would actually come true.  Unfortunately I have no winnings to report as of yet.  No worries though, I'm sure it will eventually happen, LOL.

Our Christmas was great and my in-laws bought me a cedar chest at an auction and it's absolutely gorgeous... I love it and couldn't be more excited that I finally have one after all my years of wanting one.  Christmas day, my husband's family came over to eat lunch, open presents and hang out.  They ended up staying the entire day til around 6pm or so and I was absolutely exhausted after everyone finally left.  My biggest goal for the day was to get a much needed nap in before returning back to work the following day, but I didn't get my nap and I think I'm still trying to catch up on sleep from the holidays.  All in all... our Christmas turned out great this year though.

Sunday, December 30th was the annual Christmas gathering in Sulphur for my mother-in-laws side of the family.  Unfortunately we had a slight repeat of last years issues that morning and were off to a bad start for the day.  Even when I specifically asked my hubby the night before if there had been any prior driving arrangements made for our trip, he answered "no".  Funny though, that morning my mother-in-law called while we were eating breakfast to find out if I knew when my sister-in-law was picking us up?  A little confused, I said "huh, I wasn't aware she was picking us up" and was then informed that everyone had made the decision all the girls would ride together and all the boys would ride together.  Interesting... I basically told her I would discuss this with Fred and have him call his sister.  You can only imagine my frustration and hurt with this blind siding me at the very last minute.  It was obvious my husband had discussed driving arrangements and for what ever reason decided to lie to me the night before about them.  When I mentioned it to him, he only met me with resistance, raised his voice and then proceeded to tell me that I never listen so that's why he never said anything.  Again, I'm confused.  Long story short... we ended up driving ourselves down there and not riding with anyone.  For what ever reason I haven't stopped thinking about this since it's happened.  It royally bothers me that he would lie straight to my face about something so stupid and simple.  Then have his mom call me to drop the prior arranged plans in my lap the morning of.  Nothing about this sets to well with me.  I'm absolutely clueless what to even think of all of this.

Despite the crazy day it was, we had a very nice time that day and I can only hope and pray next year we won't have the same issues as we have the past two.

My New Years resolution this year is to lose weight!  I'm determined this time around.  The biggest key is getting my husband on board with it too.  For him not to bring home crap food, like donuts, candy, cookies or what ever else he thinks he needs to munch on.  That's one of my biggest downfalls is the crap he brings home... I can't sit there and watch him eat it and then refrain myself from eating it too.  That's just not fair in my opinion.

Well I guess for now that's about it for me... off to bed I go and tomorrow's Friday, woohoo!

December is almost over

Seems like I never take the time to blog anymore like I used to.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to do better about blogging more often.  I really do enjoy it!

Here's the last month recap...

Thanksgiving was nice.  We went to my big family gathering this year since not everyone had seen Kayla yet & others hadn't seen her in quite awhile.  We spent a few hours there then came home for naptime.

We had our family pictures made at Portrait Innovations, since Sears is going out of business at the mall.  I wouldn't recommend them to anyone if my life depended upon it.  I will have to write an entire other post about our experience with them & why I'm so pissed off about our experience.  Let's just say I hope nobody else I know goes to them EVER!

I took Kayla to Bass Pro again this year to get her picture made with Santa.  Now that she's older I wasn't sure how she would react, but she loved him!  It was so cute to watch her try to talk to him all serious, but the elves kept trying to get her to look at the camera & well that ended up making her a little mad, then of course that's the exact moment they snapped the picture.  Go figure.  I would have been ok with the picture of her trying to talk to him... to me that was just to cute.  Oh well.  Picture with Santa accomplished & it's something we can look back on again later.

Kayla's birthday party Sunday, December 9th went great.  She got a lot of stuff and enjoyed playing with all the kids and seeing everyone.  My BFF Kat made an awesome Minnie Mouse cake, it was so so cute!  Of course her birthday is so close to Christmas, that she's barely gotten to play with all of her birthday toys and bam it's Christmas & time for more gifts!  We did Christmas with my family yesterday at our house.  It was very nice, we had a great time.

I have to say that one of the biggest things that I'm thankful for is to be able to have family at our house for the holidays.  To have a big enough house to have everyone over is just the best feeling ever.  We were able to finish our den/office before the holidays too.  That was the best Christmas present ever.  It's so nice & beautiful, I love it!  It actually looks like a room now instead of a converted garage... just amazing.

I know this is short, but while I had a few moments I thought I would post a little update on what's been going on in our world the past month.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas & hope everyone stays warm in this chilly weather we're having.