In Remembrance

Lately I haven't the time out of my busy schedule to blog, but tonight I am making the point to.

I want to take a moment and dedicate this blog to several people in my life and you know who you are.

The recent loss of a magnificent woman Mrs. Orr, has saddened my heart tremendously.

I remember the last time I hugged her like it was yesterday.  Mr. & Mrs. Orr were officially moving to Houston to be closer to their daughter and that was really rough for them.  The moving truck was at the house and everyone was working hard to load everything for the long move to Houston.  Fred and I stopped in to say goodbye.  I knew at the time, chances were I wouldn't have the opportunity to see them again.  As I hugged and hugged her tightly that day it was hard to bring myself to walk out the front door to leave.  I managed to keep the tears from flowing until I approached the front doorway and had to force myself to continue walking through it.  Being pregnant at the time didn't help my emotions either.

Months before the move took place, Fred and I had discussed the option of buying the house to raise our family.  It was the perfect location, right down the street from my parents, close to town and work... everything seemed so right but at the same time it was sad too.  They had to leave their dog Spike behind and we took care of him until he passed away just a week after I brought Kayla home from the hospital.  I was devastated to find Spike and truly believe he was heartbroken after they moved away.  Even though we loved and took care of him, I'm sure for him it just wasn't the same without them around.

Mrs. Orr was more than just my best friend Kat's grandma, the neighbor down the street, a wonderful teacher, a great piano player... she was like another mom.  She always treated Kat like she was her child, not her grandchild and she was always so proud to talk about her every chance she got.  You could just see her face light up every time.  She loved all her kids so much and anytime you were around her you could just feel it.  Just being in her presence, with all the warmth she radiated, made you want to strive to be a better person yourself.  I believe she had that affect on everyone around her.

I will always cherish the times that I would call upon her for help with homework that I didn't understand and she was always more than willing to teach me.  Even though I never had her as a teacher in a school environment, she was the best teacher I've ever had.

It was because of her that Kat and I started hanging out together around the age of eight.  Of course our friendship developed into not only best friends, but family as we still remain today.  I can still hear Mrs. Orr telling me on so many occasions how glad she was that Kat and I had remained so close through the years, even though we lived far apart growing up.  Kat and I always looked forward to the end of the school year because she would spend the summer with her grandparents and we would get to see each other.  When we were young girls, we couldn't call each other on the phone because it was long distance and would cost extra money, so from time to time we would mail each other letters.  Her grandma always took us to the mall to shop and she would do her shopping and we would go roam the mall and meet her back at a certain time and she would always be patiently waiting for us in a chair just outside of Sears.

On September 8th, Mr. and Mrs. Orr celebrated 71 years of marriage.  How amazing is that?  Again that is something to look up to and truly appreciate all the love, work and rough roads it sometimes takes to get there.  I always thought it was so cute how you could just look at them and know how much they loved each other by the way they acted towards each other.  I can only hope and pray that someday my marriage can be that strong too.

With regret I won't be able to attend Mrs. Orr's funeral on Monday, because it is in Houston.  If I had the extra money to fly out there, I would do it in a heartbeat.  If I had the extra money to make the road trip, I would do that too.  Unfortunately neither of these are options though.

Even though I'm unable to physically attend the services, I know in my heart she knows how much I love her and will always hold close all the memories we've made through the years.

For my best friend Kat, please know that I will be with you on your 10 hour journey in the morning as well as your return back home.  You know for sure someone else will be watching over you too, and we both know she will most definitely ensure your safe travel!  You will be in my thoughts and prayers as always and if you need anything, you know I'm here.  I love you.

Mrs. Orr, you were an angel here on earth and now you're an angel in Heaven.  I love you forever and always.

First ER Visit

July 7th was Kayla's first ER visit.

Friday, July 6th early evening she was running a high temp, so I gave her some tylenol in hopes it would come down.  I gave her another dose around 1am after checking her temp again & it had creeped up instead of down.  Then Saturday morning when I checked again... it was even higher & she was burning up!  I wasn't sure what was going on so I made the decision to run her down to the ER just to be on the safe side.

She was the absolute perfect ER patient.  All the nurses & doctor were impressed with her.  She was a big girl the whole time & after a full work over, including a urine test, everything came back good & the doctor said she probably just had a viral infection & just to continue tylenol & motrine every 4 hours until her temp came down.

My poor love bug.  I felt completely helpless not being able to fix her immediately.

I know some might say I overreacted by rushing her down to the ER, but hey... better safe then sorry in my opinion.  I felt much better after taking her to get her checked out.

What a weekend that was though.  It just so happened that I had to work all weekend from home & that proved to be a challenge, but I got as much finished as I could & was satisfied with that.

The worst part came that following Tuesday morning, July 10th.  Fred had gotten up earlier to leave the house to take some cattle to the stockyards & not to long after he shut the door behind him... Kayla awoke & was crying, which is not like her at all.  She usually takes a little while to completely wake up & typically she's in a pretty good mood.  But not this morning, at all.

My poor love bug's eyes were completely swollen shut with goop.  It was so sad.  She just cried & cried... I took her temp & it was high so I knew it was time for a dr visit for sure.  I called my dad to come down to the house to hold her for a few minutes so that I could at least make the phone call to the dr office to get her an appointment.  Poor thing, she just wanted her mommy & nobody else... not even her papa.  Luckily they were able to get her an appointment... except the only spot they had available wasn't until 4:30pm that day!

Kayla & I made the most of it though, we played dr & I held warm wash cloths on her little swollen eyes until I could get them un-gooped & she could see again.  They stayed swollen most of the day, but the more time passed the better she got thankfully.  By the time 4:30pm rolled around she was up & playing more & in better spirits.

They did some tests at the dr office & well... she had the flu!  Can you believe that?  What made my blood start to boil was when they said the ER should have caught this when I took her there.  If only they would have swabbed her throat & nose & ran a few other tests we would have caught this earlier & could've given her medication to make her better much faster.  Unfortunately since she had probably had the flu since Friday, there wasn't any medicine to give her for it & we would just have to ride it out for a few more days.  Ugh my poor sweet baby!

Despite having the flu, Kayla was in a good mood.  She had a few days of only wanting mommy to hold her, but besides that she was great!

I enjoyed every minute of being at home, holding her the entire day when she was sick.  I felt needed & that was truly an excellant feeling.  I just wish we could have figured everything out much sooner & helped her get better faster.

I have to say, being a mommy is the best, most rewarding job in the entire world!  Totally priceless in my opinion.

Anonymous email

I have my blog set up where anyone who wishes to post a comment regarding any blog, it first comes directly to my personal email for approval... then if I approve, it will then & only then post pubicly for everyone else to see.

When I received this the other day, I had to take some time to think about it.  Then I decided instead of approving it to post, I would actually address this.

The email I received was in regards to my May 23rd blog:

I was sad when I read this. I not imagine what you going through. He doesn't know what he has. You very sweet friend to me for so many years now and the most beutiful person I've ever known inside out known you for 18 years now. I don't know how anyone could say they are not attracted to you cause you have always been hot not only on outside but inside to. I know I would had loved you better than that. dating you set the standars very high for those I saw after you and there've been times I wish my wife was more like you. (please do not lecture me saying that you know I love my wife)Though you and I did not wofk out in relationship we became close friends over years and I sometimes wish things would have been different. Makes me very sad to read you pain and wish I could tell him how he would regret losing you if he ever does. I know I do regret. don't let anybody take you down you more than that so much more than that. You are one of a kind kim and the best. One millon guys out there who would love you I know it. Havent' talked in long time but Im always goin be here for you always.

The email was signed from anonymous with no name, however I have a pretty good idea of who this is.  I had a few mixed emotions, in a way I was very flattered, but in another way I wasn't quite sure what to think.  First, I wasn't aware that any of my ex's were reading my blog, so that kinda shocked me.  Second, to hear someone say they regret that things didn't work out from a relationship that was sooo long ago, completely floored me.

I know that everyone has their own opinions of what should or shouldn't happen in someone else's life & everyone is entitled to that I suppose.  I do thank you for the email/comment, it did make me feel like "I still have it" in a way, but more importantly I want to say that I do love my husband & I have all intentions of working through things & hopefully getting our marriage on a stronger path.  I appreciate that you didn't automatically strike out with "I should leave him" or any of those types of things.  I know the tough times you've been through in your own marriage & I know that you were simply trying to reach out to let me know someone cares & make me feel better, in which you accomplished.

Thank you for reading my blog & always being a loving, caring friend!

When Your Husband Has Given Up

It's amazing how sometimes things just happen on the days we are struggling the most.  This email came across my path today & I thought it was so fitting I wanted to post it for everyone to read...

When Your Husband Has Given Up
By Lysa TerKeurst

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

The silence. The rejection. The harsh words. The absence of intimacy. The questions. The lack of answers. The hurt.

My heart aches for anyone in a marriage that's struggling. I've been there. Many of us have.  But I think the deepest hurt comes when one spouse resigns while the other is still trying. There is a panic that arises to somehow make the other person wake up, stop their resignation, and help you fix this relationship.

A situation like this is much more complicated than simple answers I could offer here. But might I give you one stepping stone upon which to stand, to stop the panic and balance yourself?

Decide today that you are worthy.

Because you are. Worthy. You may not feel like it. But a quick glimpse at Psalm 139 assures me, you are. And I'd rather depend on the solid truth of God than the roller coaster of fickle feelings.

You are beautiful and captivating and attractive and smart and capable. But if you are in a relationship full of unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and frustrating communication, I suspect you feel a little less than all I've described.

Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.
And if you're anything like me, when you feel broken down those around you get your worst. Then upon all the hurt and anxiety you layer on regret, shame, and the feeling that you've lost yourself. You've lost that girl inside you that used to be so positive and happy and ready to take on the world.

Can I whisper a tender truth to you? The only way to recapture her is to come up for air and remember you are worthy.

Then you can act worthy.

And step aside from the emotional yuck to make some level headed decisions. Get a plan. Talk to wise people who love you and will walk this tough journey with you.

Draw some boundaries with your husband, if there are some needed. Pray like crazy for clear discernment.

And read good books that will help you. I just read Dr. Tim Clinton's new book called, Breakthrough. In it he says, "By discovering God's definition of true love and learning to live by it, we can open the door to freedom. Our future is in God's hands. When you are able to see and embrace this truth — there's your breakthrough!"

Remember you can't control how he acts and reacts, but you can control how you act and react.

Reclaim who you are.

I pray your relationship survives. I pray it with every fiber of my being. But if it doesn't, I pray most of all that the beautiful woman you are rises above all the yuck, still clinging tightly to the only opinion that matters — the One who forever calls you worthy.

Dear Lord, my marriage is struggling. I'm struggling. Help me please. I need to hold on to Your truths that I am worthy. And God, please show me what steps to take to support my marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Right through the heart

We had another appointment with Paula yesterday.  I thought over all it was about fair to medium.  A few major things came to light.  When asked what are some things he would like for me to work on, they were... weight & smoking.  Two of which I already knew I had issues with & have for some time now.  With Paula we talked mainly about the smoking & how I would love to quit, yada yada yada & we didn't discuss the weight.

After hearing the word "weight" come out of his mouth, it was very hard for me to focus on anything else while we were there.  The emotions only got worse on my drive home.  It became overwhelming for me to even think about.  Finally after Kayla had her bath, was sound asleep & a few hours had passed... we ended up talking about this.  Even though the higher road was that he was able to get his true feelings out... the lower road is where I was stuck & ended up off in a ditch praying someone would cover me with dirt.

My entire life I've always thought I was "fat"... even back in the day when I only weighed a mere 100 lbs.  I don't know why, it's just always been an issue for me in my mind.  Now one of my worst fears in life has came true... the husband in which I'm praying so desperately I can work things out with... well he doesn't find me attractive anymore & hasn't for months now from what he says.  This only complicates our current rocky marriage even more.  I cried so hard & for so many hours last night, I couldn't even think straight after awhile.  How in the hell do you even begin to recover a spark that's no longer there?  I'm totally lost.

When we took our vows of marriage, I took them very seriously & have tried my hardest to prove in every way possible that there is no question I will remain by his side throughout my time here on earth, however long that may be.  Hearing him say to my face that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, hasn't for awhile & doesn't want to have any more babies with me until I lose some weight... well I'm not even sure I can put into words exactly how that feels right now.

The truth is, I feel like giving up on our marriage.  I'm hurt, & emotionally & physically drained at this point.  I cried so hard last night that this morning my eyes were swollen almost shut when I woke up.  Putting my contacts in was painful & even a extra coat of make-up couldn't hide the swelling from everyone who saw me.  I quickly blamed it on allergy's & left it at that, but it was hard.  A few hours in to the work day I realized that I wasn't getting anything accomplished & couldn't even begin to concentrate for nothing.  It made me physically sick & I decided I needed to leave & attempt to pull myself together how ever I can.  I've never been one to bring my personal life to work with me, but this time I just couldn't leave it at home.

To top it off, on my drive home from work, my mom called to tell me that Kayla hadn't been acting right all day today & wasn't sure if she wasn't feeling well or what the deal was.  That hit me extremely hard in every way.  When I dropped Kayla off this morning she cried for me at the front door as I was leaving, which has only happened 3 times now.  She normally stands at the front door & when I get to the side walk I turn back & she waves bye to me while laughing or smiling.  Maybe somehow she could read the emotional state I was in this morning, I just don't know.  I hate to even think that could be a possibility.  The last thing I want is for my little love bug to experience the sadness that I'm going through.  She's way to little & that's just not fair to her.

It's very clear to me now why there's no motivation to help out or do more things for or with me, without me having to constantly remind or beg him.  He doesn't find me attractive, so why would he be motivated to be with me at all.  So basically it's like this... apparently I need to fix myself & get skinny to get that spark back & to motivate him to want to make our family a #1 priority, right?  Sounds kinda jacked up doesn't it?

I've been talking about a certain work-out machine since before Christmas time & even hoped that he would have purchased it for me, but it never happened.  Finishing the walls in the den/office so I would have everything fixed up in order to have a nice place to work out, hasn't happened.  I went to a weight doctor & lost about 18 lbs altogether, but that got expensive & it's hard to stay on track with a husband that enjoys bringing home a dozen donuts, cookies or whatever else he picks up at the store, but yet I'm suppose to be on a diet?  All the emotions I went through during pregnancy & then after... well that was really rough for me.  The thought of my body never being the exact same as it was before was so tough for me to cope with for awhile... and just when I started to quit beating myself up so hard every day, I get hit with the hardest blow of all.  If ever his intentions were to hurt me, well he's far succeeded at that by now.

I'm not quite sure how to get past this hurt, because it's deep.  It's affecting every thought in my mind currently & now I've begun beating myself up once again.  I feel like I'm not good enough or maybe he feels there is something else better & hotter out there that's more worth his time than me.

Last night I kept hoping that he would comfort me in some way & make me really believe that he wanted to work on our marriage & get back on the right road again.  There were very few words from him & definitely not a lot of physical comforting.  To me that sent strong signals.  If there is no effort, it will definitely never work.  I could have used his arms around me this morning re-assuring me that we'll get through this, except that didn't happen.  A quick kiss goodbye & I drove off to drop Kayla off, that was it.

What ever happened to unconditional love?  Is it suppose to be one-sided?  If something were to ever happen to him, no matter what it may be... I know without any doubt I would do whatever it took to take care of him to the best of my abilities & love him unconditionally til my last breathe.  Don't I deserve the same in return?  Isn't that what marriage is suppose to be?

I've been asking myself all day... where do I go from here? What do I do now? That's a hard question, in which I have no answer at this point.  I wish I could sit face to face with God & ask him which way I'm suppose to go.  I need some direction.  I need some guidance.

God... please grant me the strength I need to get through this sadness & hurt.

An unexpected goodbye

A dear colleague of mine passed away yesterday unexpectedly during by-pass surgery. The news came as a complete shock. His daughter Pam, my sweet friend is absolutely devestated because this just wasn't suppose to happen. I wish more than anything I could in someway lesson the pain she is experiencing right now.

Why does God decide to take someone away so early in their life?  They are to young to pass & are suppose to have many more years here on earth to share with their family, friends & colleague's.

It's hard to know what to say or do during a tragic loss, especially when all you can think about is how to rewind life for just a few days & go back to the way things were.

I'm at a loss for words right now.  My heart breaks for my sweet friend Pam & her family.  I know how bad I'm hurting inside & I can't imagine what their going through right now.

Mike was such a wonderful guy in so many ways... I'm thankful for the years we worked together & was honored to call him a friend too.

My thoughts & prayers are heavy this evening.  Mike you will be greatly missed & we love you!

Mother's Day

Well yesterday was officially my 2nd real Mother's Day as a mother.  Life as a mother is absolutely the best, most amazing & wonderful experience in my entire life!  Here is my Mother's Day weekend recap...

Friday, we had a little birthday party at work for the boss & everyone got to leave early, which was nice.  My hubby informed me that I was to receive a delivery at work that day, but by the time I was ready to leave the office it hadn't arrived yet.  I called to let him know I hadn't received anything, we hung up so he could call but he ended up not getting an answer.  He then called me back, gave me the phone # and approximately where the place was located & said I should probably just stop by there on my way home & see if I could pick it up instead.  This probably wouldn't have been a big deal, but... I called & called, got no answer, then after driving around trying to find the place I called hubby back to ask if he had a better idea of the location because apparently I'm blind.  So I finally find the place "Edible Arrangements" & pull in.  I walk in & after waiting for a period of time along with other not so happy customers, I'm informed that the driver is out to deliver my Edible Arrangement & that I can come back after 5 to pick it up if I wish.  A little frustrated I leave the store & text hubby to let him know & I receive no response text.

Now let me back up just a tad.  Hubby informed me the Saturday before that he would be leaving this Saturday for Montana... meaning he would miss Mother's Day.  I was a little upset about this to say the least.  Despite that, Friday morning I told him that since I would be getting off work early due to the party at work, I would call & maybe we could go eat somewhere, just the two of us.  Thinking it would be nice to spend a little time together before he left for his road trip to Montana with his father.  So when I called him from work to let him know that I hadn't received any deliveries, I also asked him what time he wanted to eat.  He said he was cleaning the trailer out & would let me know.  I assumed (which I shouldn't have done), that he would finish cleaning the trailer then call to meet up somewhere.  In the meantime, after my experience at Edible Arrangements, I decide to head to Wal-Mart to get a few things & to kill some time while I wait for hubby to call.  After 2 hours go by & I still haven't received any response since the text I sent after leaving Edible Arrangements... I decide to call him.  He says he's just finished eating lunch with his mother... yes... his mother apparently went & got lunch for them.  The time at this point is a little after 4pm.  Lunch... Dinner... wife?  Apparently I got confused somewhere in the past few hours.  After chasing down my own Mother's Day present & still don't have it in hand, hanging out patiently at Wal-Mart for 2 hours ready to get the hell outta there... and in that time frame he eats lunch with his mother & doesn't bother to call his wife.  Hmmm, apparently I'm really confused.

He said that he was thinking we would have an early dinner, as in... later in the day/after 5-6pm apparently?  Basically it gets turned around on me & thats that.  This is typically how the story goes.

Moving on... I leave Wal-Mart, stop by Office Depot for a few quick things I need for the rodeo, then head home.  In the midst of me arriving home & taking care of dogs, he calls, then arrives home as well.  Kayla stayed at my parents house while Fred & I ran to eat dinner together at TGI Fridays finally around 6pm, then I dropped him off at home & went to pick Love Bug up.

I had plans Saturday morning of sleeping in a little bit & let Fred hang out with Kayla... except that didn't happen.  Fred's mother called to tell him that his brother-in-law was on his way to pick him up & head to Chickasha to pick up the truck that was in the shop.  So off they went around 8am & as soon as they left miss Kayla woke up & our day began.  Kayla & I met Fred & his family for lunch then I took Kayla home to put her down for a much needed afternoon nap.  When Fred finally arrived home for the evening it was time for Kayla to go down to sleep.  He did get to spend a few minutes with her before bedtime but that was it.

Their original plans of leaving first thing Saturday morning for Montana was obviously pushed aside due to the truck taking longer in the shop then planned.  Instead, they decided to leave 6am Sunday aka Mother's Day morning to head out.  Blah.  After seeing Fred off, I crawled back in bed & decided to catch as much sleep as I could before Love Bug calls out for me to come get her out of her bed.  She finally woke up & we began our morning snuggling on the couch & her drinking a cup of milk as usual.  I have to admit, these are some of my most favorite moments as a mother.

Approaching 11am, I got Kayla dressed & ready to leave.  My parents drove over & we left & headed to Mustang to my brothers house for lunch.  We a great family afternoon!  The kids enjoyed playing together, it was to cute.  I got to hold & feed my newest great-niece Carly & spend time with my precious Kayla, parents, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, great-nephew Marty & other great-niece Gabrielle.

Despite the fact that my husband wasn't there to share & celebrate Mother's Day with me... I had an absolutely wonderful day with my family.  God gave me the most precious little girl in the entire world & I treasure every moment I have with her.  The best thing in the world is being a mom!

Happy Mother's Day to all my dear friends & family.