Right through the heart

We had another appointment with Paula yesterday.  I thought over all it was about fair to medium.  A few major things came to light.  When asked what are some things he would like for me to work on, they were... weight & smoking.  Two of which I already knew I had issues with & have for some time now.  With Paula we talked mainly about the smoking & how I would love to quit, yada yada yada & we didn't discuss the weight.

After hearing the word "weight" come out of his mouth, it was very hard for me to focus on anything else while we were there.  The emotions only got worse on my drive home.  It became overwhelming for me to even think about.  Finally after Kayla had her bath, was sound asleep & a few hours had passed... we ended up talking about this.  Even though the higher road was that he was able to get his true feelings out... the lower road is where I was stuck & ended up off in a ditch praying someone would cover me with dirt.

My entire life I've always thought I was "fat"... even back in the day when I only weighed a mere 100 lbs.  I don't know why, it's just always been an issue for me in my mind.  Now one of my worst fears in life has came true... the husband in which I'm praying so desperately I can work things out with... well he doesn't find me attractive anymore & hasn't for months now from what he says.  This only complicates our current rocky marriage even more.  I cried so hard & for so many hours last night, I couldn't even think straight after awhile.  How in the hell do you even begin to recover a spark that's no longer there?  I'm totally lost.

When we took our vows of marriage, I took them very seriously & have tried my hardest to prove in every way possible that there is no question I will remain by his side throughout my time here on earth, however long that may be.  Hearing him say to my face that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, hasn't for awhile & doesn't want to have any more babies with me until I lose some weight... well I'm not even sure I can put into words exactly how that feels right now.

The truth is, I feel like giving up on our marriage.  I'm hurt, & emotionally & physically drained at this point.  I cried so hard last night that this morning my eyes were swollen almost shut when I woke up.  Putting my contacts in was painful & even a extra coat of make-up couldn't hide the swelling from everyone who saw me.  I quickly blamed it on allergy's & left it at that, but it was hard.  A few hours in to the work day I realized that I wasn't getting anything accomplished & couldn't even begin to concentrate for nothing.  It made me physically sick & I decided I needed to leave & attempt to pull myself together how ever I can.  I've never been one to bring my personal life to work with me, but this time I just couldn't leave it at home.

To top it off, on my drive home from work, my mom called to tell me that Kayla hadn't been acting right all day today & wasn't sure if she wasn't feeling well or what the deal was.  That hit me extremely hard in every way.  When I dropped Kayla off this morning she cried for me at the front door as I was leaving, which has only happened 3 times now.  She normally stands at the front door & when I get to the side walk I turn back & she waves bye to me while laughing or smiling.  Maybe somehow she could read the emotional state I was in this morning, I just don't know.  I hate to even think that could be a possibility.  The last thing I want is for my little love bug to experience the sadness that I'm going through.  She's way to little & that's just not fair to her.

It's very clear to me now why there's no motivation to help out or do more things for or with me, without me having to constantly remind or beg him.  He doesn't find me attractive, so why would he be motivated to be with me at all.  So basically it's like this... apparently I need to fix myself & get skinny to get that spark back & to motivate him to want to make our family a #1 priority, right?  Sounds kinda jacked up doesn't it?

I've been talking about a certain work-out machine since before Christmas time & even hoped that he would have purchased it for me, but it never happened.  Finishing the walls in the den/office so I would have everything fixed up in order to have a nice place to work out, hasn't happened.  I went to a weight doctor & lost about 18 lbs altogether, but that got expensive & it's hard to stay on track with a husband that enjoys bringing home a dozen donuts, cookies or whatever else he picks up at the store, but yet I'm suppose to be on a diet?  All the emotions I went through during pregnancy & then after... well that was really rough for me.  The thought of my body never being the exact same as it was before was so tough for me to cope with for awhile... and just when I started to quit beating myself up so hard every day, I get hit with the hardest blow of all.  If ever his intentions were to hurt me, well he's far succeeded at that by now.

I'm not quite sure how to get past this hurt, because it's deep.  It's affecting every thought in my mind currently & now I've begun beating myself up once again.  I feel like I'm not good enough or maybe he feels there is something else better & hotter out there that's more worth his time than me.

Last night I kept hoping that he would comfort me in some way & make me really believe that he wanted to work on our marriage & get back on the right road again.  There were very few words from him & definitely not a lot of physical comforting.  To me that sent strong signals.  If there is no effort, it will definitely never work.  I could have used his arms around me this morning re-assuring me that we'll get through this, except that didn't happen.  A quick kiss goodbye & I drove off to drop Kayla off, that was it.

What ever happened to unconditional love?  Is it suppose to be one-sided?  If something were to ever happen to him, no matter what it may be... I know without any doubt I would do whatever it took to take care of him to the best of my abilities & love him unconditionally til my last breathe.  Don't I deserve the same in return?  Isn't that what marriage is suppose to be?

I've been asking myself all day... where do I go from here? What do I do now? That's a hard question, in which I have no answer at this point.  I wish I could sit face to face with God & ask him which way I'm suppose to go.  I need some direction.  I need some guidance.

God... please grant me the strength I need to get through this sadness & hurt.

An unexpected goodbye

A dear colleague of mine passed away yesterday unexpectedly during by-pass surgery. The news came as a complete shock. His daughter Pam, my sweet friend is absolutely devestated because this just wasn't suppose to happen. I wish more than anything I could in someway lesson the pain she is experiencing right now.

Why does God decide to take someone away so early in their life?  They are to young to pass & are suppose to have many more years here on earth to share with their family, friends & colleague's.

It's hard to know what to say or do during a tragic loss, especially when all you can think about is how to rewind life for just a few days & go back to the way things were.

I'm at a loss for words right now.  My heart breaks for my sweet friend Pam & her family.  I know how bad I'm hurting inside & I can't imagine what their going through right now.

Mike was such a wonderful guy in so many ways... I'm thankful for the years we worked together & was honored to call him a friend too.

My thoughts & prayers are heavy this evening.  Mike you will be greatly missed & we love you!

Mother's Day

Well yesterday was officially my 2nd real Mother's Day as a mother.  Life as a mother is absolutely the best, most amazing & wonderful experience in my entire life!  Here is my Mother's Day weekend recap...

Friday, we had a little birthday party at work for the boss & everyone got to leave early, which was nice.  My hubby informed me that I was to receive a delivery at work that day, but by the time I was ready to leave the office it hadn't arrived yet.  I called to let him know I hadn't received anything, we hung up so he could call but he ended up not getting an answer.  He then called me back, gave me the phone # and approximately where the place was located & said I should probably just stop by there on my way home & see if I could pick it up instead.  This probably wouldn't have been a big deal, but... I called & called, got no answer, then after driving around trying to find the place I called hubby back to ask if he had a better idea of the location because apparently I'm blind.  So I finally find the place "Edible Arrangements" & pull in.  I walk in & after waiting for a period of time along with other not so happy customers, I'm informed that the driver is out to deliver my Edible Arrangement & that I can come back after 5 to pick it up if I wish.  A little frustrated I leave the store & text hubby to let him know & I receive no response text.

Now let me back up just a tad.  Hubby informed me the Saturday before that he would be leaving this Saturday for Montana... meaning he would miss Mother's Day.  I was a little upset about this to say the least.  Despite that, Friday morning I told him that since I would be getting off work early due to the party at work, I would call & maybe we could go eat somewhere, just the two of us.  Thinking it would be nice to spend a little time together before he left for his road trip to Montana with his father.  So when I called him from work to let him know that I hadn't received any deliveries, I also asked him what time he wanted to eat.  He said he was cleaning the trailer out & would let me know.  I assumed (which I shouldn't have done), that he would finish cleaning the trailer then call to meet up somewhere.  In the meantime, after my experience at Edible Arrangements, I decide to head to Wal-Mart to get a few things & to kill some time while I wait for hubby to call.  After 2 hours go by & I still haven't received any response since the text I sent after leaving Edible Arrangements... I decide to call him.  He says he's just finished eating lunch with his mother... yes... his mother apparently went & got lunch for them.  The time at this point is a little after 4pm.  Lunch... Dinner... wife?  Apparently I got confused somewhere in the past few hours.  After chasing down my own Mother's Day present & still don't have it in hand, hanging out patiently at Wal-Mart for 2 hours ready to get the hell outta there... and in that time frame he eats lunch with his mother & doesn't bother to call his wife.  Hmmm, apparently I'm really confused.

He said that he was thinking we would have an early dinner, as in... later in the day/after 5-6pm apparently?  Basically it gets turned around on me & thats that.  This is typically how the story goes.

Moving on... I leave Wal-Mart, stop by Office Depot for a few quick things I need for the rodeo, then head home.  In the midst of me arriving home & taking care of dogs, he calls, then arrives home as well.  Kayla stayed at my parents house while Fred & I ran to eat dinner together at TGI Fridays finally around 6pm, then I dropped him off at home & went to pick Love Bug up.

I had plans Saturday morning of sleeping in a little bit & let Fred hang out with Kayla... except that didn't happen.  Fred's mother called to tell him that his brother-in-law was on his way to pick him up & head to Chickasha to pick up the truck that was in the shop.  So off they went around 8am & as soon as they left miss Kayla woke up & our day began.  Kayla & I met Fred & his family for lunch then I took Kayla home to put her down for a much needed afternoon nap.  When Fred finally arrived home for the evening it was time for Kayla to go down to sleep.  He did get to spend a few minutes with her before bedtime but that was it.

Their original plans of leaving first thing Saturday morning for Montana was obviously pushed aside due to the truck taking longer in the shop then planned.  Instead, they decided to leave 6am Sunday aka Mother's Day morning to head out.  Blah.  After seeing Fred off, I crawled back in bed & decided to catch as much sleep as I could before Love Bug calls out for me to come get her out of her bed.  She finally woke up & we began our morning snuggling on the couch & her drinking a cup of milk as usual.  I have to admit, these are some of my most favorite moments as a mother.

Approaching 11am, I got Kayla dressed & ready to leave.  My parents drove over & we left & headed to Mustang to my brothers house for lunch.  We a great family afternoon!  The kids enjoyed playing together, it was to cute.  I got to hold & feed my newest great-niece Carly & spend time with my precious Kayla, parents, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, great-nephew Marty & other great-niece Gabrielle.

Despite the fact that my husband wasn't there to share & celebrate Mother's Day with me... I had an absolutely wonderful day with my family.  God gave me the most precious little girl in the entire world & I treasure every moment I have with her.  The best thing in the world is being a mom!

Happy Mother's Day to all my dear friends & family.

One day at a time

One thing I never thought in a million years I would enjoy... is blogging.  The whole reason I started in the first place was because I had read several stories online from other fellow blogger's about how it was a sense of release to write about what ever was on their minds & to let go of what others may think of their writing.  I will admit this was a serious challenge at first & wasn't even sure what to write about for awhile, but as time passed... I started really enjoying & looking forward to blogging about just random things.

Eventually my blog went from private that only a very select few people read... to... public.  The thought still scares me a tad & I still struggle from time to time about what people might think about the things I write about.  However, it has become a release for me.

Whether I blog about something crazy & make people think I've completely lost my marbles or I'm blogging about the struggles I may be currently facing in life... I enjoy every minute.  To me, it's fun.  I just can't explain it.

Moving on to whats on my mind today though...

While there are days that me & hubby seem to be making progress, taking big steps in a positive direction... there are other days that set us back to the bottom all over again.  Sometimes I sit & question, what the solution is or how we can get back on track again & then I start to analyze it in the worst way, tearing everything apart in little pieces trying to find the answer.  The end result is that I end up stressing myself out about something I can't change by myself.

Maybe there isn't an answer, maybe there isn't a solution - hell I just don't know.
What I do know, is that it's completely exhausting some days & there have been more than a few moments that I've wanted to throw my hands in the air, but haven't.

When we were going to counseling regularly I saw a difference in our marriage.  However, until the other day, he had not been since November & the last time we had an appointment in February he had to rush off & wasn't able to attend with me, so I ended up going by myself.  It puts a lump in my throat just thinking about the lack of commitment from him on continuing our counseling.  I feel like I'm at a loss & I'm tired of kindly reminding him to call & make an appointment with Paula.  So last week, I called & made another appointment myself... to visit Paula Tuesday evening.  Problem was, when I told him that I had made the appointment, he quickly informed me that he might not be here & there, so initially counseling was shot down.  No matter what came out of his mouth, all I heard was "I'm not going to counseling Tuesday night".

Then after an extremely disappointing weekend, I had finally had enough of the roll a coaster of emotions & hurt... & I gave him a choice to make.  Either go to counseling & make some serious changes starting NOW or move out & on with your life & without us.  Period.

His priorities are not with us & I'm tired of being put on the back burner when we are suppose to put each other #1.  Instead he always seems to choose not even putting us on his list.  We agreed a long time ago that at least one day out of the weekend would be ours & he would be at home to spend time as a family.  This worked for awhile, but it slowly started to dwindle until finally here we are.

Unfortunately Tuesday evening came & he informed me that he wasn't able to attend counseling, but had called & made himself an appointment to attend by himself the next day.

My first thought was... FORGET IT.  This is ridiculous.  If you know that your marriage is on the brink of ending, wouldn't you go above & beyond to make what ever effort needed to fix it?  Maybe it's just me.  Although I will say that my visit with Paula Tuesday evening was great & afterwards I started to think that maybe it was a good thing that it was just me attending instead of us together this time.  I was able to get everything out that was on my mind & speak without him being there.  Paula made me realize that I'm not crazy & I do not have unrealistic expectations of our marriage & of him.  He needs to either step up to the plate or completely step off.

The main issues he has are trying to find the dividing line between parents, work & family.  For him there are no lines & this is a constant problem for our marriage.  If we have plans to do something & his parents call & ask him to do something different... I'm the one who gets pushed to the side & he jumps up & runs to do whatever it is they ask.  Instead of him standing up & saying that he's already made plans or arrangements for the day, he automatically gives in & cancels our plans.  There's always an excuse to go along with why we were pushed to the back burner, but it's just a broken record that I'm tired of hearing.

According to him, his chat with Paula Wednesday went well & I would like to believe he now realizes the true depth of how things currently are between us.  I say this lightly because I'm so use to the routine of things falling back into a ditch again.  This time is strongly different though.  There will be no other chances here, I just can't take it anymore & that's just how it is.

So I guess all I can do is hope & pray our marriage becomes stronger & that from this point forward he puts our family first above anything else.

Carly Faye

I'm officially a great-aunt once again!  Here is our newest beautiful addition... Carly Faye.  She was born early this morning & weighed 6lbs 11oz.  Of course I could hardly wait to get off work so I could rush to see her.

My niece Rachel is doing great, a few complications right after her c-section, but she's doing just fine now.

I got to hold Carly almost the whole time I was there & got to feed her too.  It's amazing how little she is & now I can't even remember when Kayla was that little.  Those moments are so precious & go by way to quickly in my opinion.

I can't wait to take Kayla to meet her new little cousin, but I think we'll wait until Rachel & little miss Carly get home from the hospital & get settled in a little first.  I'm anxious to see how Kayla will react.  Carly's big sister Katie isn't quite sure what to think of her new little sister just yet but... she'll have plenty of time to adjust, no doubt.  It was cute to see Katie glance at her, pat her a few times then she was ready to go back to playing with her books & on to something else.

Isn't amazing how little babies just warm your heart.  Welcome to the family Carly Faye, we love you!

Hey diddle diddle

Well here it is, the famous finished mural I painted on Kayla's bedroom wall awhile back.  I have to say that I am very proud of my work.  Even though all I did was print off images, cut my own stencil out with a knife & then simply trace & paint them on the wall... I think it turned out very cute!

Heck, I may even paint more things on the walls in our house now, who knows.  LOL

I'm so happy... we finally re-did Kayla's closet this weekend too!  I stayed up way beyond my bedtime Thursday to paint not one but FOUR coats of bright white paint in the closet.  Since there isn't any lights in there, I figured I would go with something a little bright that way it might be a little easier to see everything.  Friday after I got off work, Fred met me at Lowe's & we purchased the shelving to install, then immediately went home & started to work on it.  It didn't take long at all & bam... a new wonderful closet emerged.  After I get everything organized like I want, I will take pics & post.  I'm definitely doing the guest bedroom closet exactly the same as soon as I get everything unpacked out of it someday.

I absolutely love organization!  I'm kinda weird like that I guess, but oh well.
Things always seem to move a little smoother if everything is organized, don't ya think?

New wedding band

As I said before, over a month ago Fred lost his wedding ring somewhere in a pasture, so I bought him a new one a few weeks ago.

Well it finally came in & I picked it up earlier this week.  It's nice!  I guess I didn't pay that close attention to it when we bought it.  Hopefully he doesn't lose this one.