One day at a time

One thing I never thought in a million years I would enjoy... is blogging.  The whole reason I started in the first place was because I had read several stories online from other fellow blogger's about how it was a sense of release to write about what ever was on their minds & to let go of what others may think of their writing.  I will admit this was a serious challenge at first & wasn't even sure what to write about for awhile, but as time passed... I started really enjoying & looking forward to blogging about just random things.

Eventually my blog went from private that only a very select few people read... to... public.  The thought still scares me a tad & I still struggle from time to time about what people might think about the things I write about.  However, it has become a release for me.

Whether I blog about something crazy & make people think I've completely lost my marbles or I'm blogging about the struggles I may be currently facing in life... I enjoy every minute.  To me, it's fun.  I just can't explain it.

Moving on to whats on my mind today though...

While there are days that me & hubby seem to be making progress, taking big steps in a positive direction... there are other days that set us back to the bottom all over again.  Sometimes I sit & question, what the solution is or how we can get back on track again & then I start to analyze it in the worst way, tearing everything apart in little pieces trying to find the answer.  The end result is that I end up stressing myself out about something I can't change by myself.

Maybe there isn't an answer, maybe there isn't a solution - hell I just don't know.
What I do know, is that it's completely exhausting some days & there have been more than a few moments that I've wanted to throw my hands in the air, but haven't.

When we were going to counseling regularly I saw a difference in our marriage.  However, until the other day, he had not been since November & the last time we had an appointment in February he had to rush off & wasn't able to attend with me, so I ended up going by myself.  It puts a lump in my throat just thinking about the lack of commitment from him on continuing our counseling.  I feel like I'm at a loss & I'm tired of kindly reminding him to call & make an appointment with Paula.  So last week, I called & made another appointment myself... to visit Paula Tuesday evening.  Problem was, when I told him that I had made the appointment, he quickly informed me that he might not be here & there, so initially counseling was shot down.  No matter what came out of his mouth, all I heard was "I'm not going to counseling Tuesday night".

Then after an extremely disappointing weekend, I had finally had enough of the roll a coaster of emotions & hurt... & I gave him a choice to make.  Either go to counseling & make some serious changes starting NOW or move out & on with your life & without us.  Period.

His priorities are not with us & I'm tired of being put on the back burner when we are suppose to put each other #1.  Instead he always seems to choose not even putting us on his list.  We agreed a long time ago that at least one day out of the weekend would be ours & he would be at home to spend time as a family.  This worked for awhile, but it slowly started to dwindle until finally here we are.

Unfortunately Tuesday evening came & he informed me that he wasn't able to attend counseling, but had called & made himself an appointment to attend by himself the next day.

My first thought was... FORGET IT.  This is ridiculous.  If you know that your marriage is on the brink of ending, wouldn't you go above & beyond to make what ever effort needed to fix it?  Maybe it's just me.  Although I will say that my visit with Paula Tuesday evening was great & afterwards I started to think that maybe it was a good thing that it was just me attending instead of us together this time.  I was able to get everything out that was on my mind & speak without him being there.  Paula made me realize that I'm not crazy & I do not have unrealistic expectations of our marriage & of him.  He needs to either step up to the plate or completely step off.

The main issues he has are trying to find the dividing line between parents, work & family.  For him there are no lines & this is a constant problem for our marriage.  If we have plans to do something & his parents call & ask him to do something different... I'm the one who gets pushed to the side & he jumps up & runs to do whatever it is they ask.  Instead of him standing up & saying that he's already made plans or arrangements for the day, he automatically gives in & cancels our plans.  There's always an excuse to go along with why we were pushed to the back burner, but it's just a broken record that I'm tired of hearing.

According to him, his chat with Paula Wednesday went well & I would like to believe he now realizes the true depth of how things currently are between us.  I say this lightly because I'm so use to the routine of things falling back into a ditch again.  This time is strongly different though.  There will be no other chances here, I just can't take it anymore & that's just how it is.

So I guess all I can do is hope & pray our marriage becomes stronger & that from this point forward he puts our family first above anything else.

Carly Faye

I'm officially a great-aunt once again!  Here is our newest beautiful addition... Carly Faye.  She was born early this morning & weighed 6lbs 11oz.  Of course I could hardly wait to get off work so I could rush to see her.

My niece Rachel is doing great, a few complications right after her c-section, but she's doing just fine now.

I got to hold Carly almost the whole time I was there & got to feed her too.  It's amazing how little she is & now I can't even remember when Kayla was that little.  Those moments are so precious & go by way to quickly in my opinion.

I can't wait to take Kayla to meet her new little cousin, but I think we'll wait until Rachel & little miss Carly get home from the hospital & get settled in a little first.  I'm anxious to see how Kayla will react.  Carly's big sister Katie isn't quite sure what to think of her new little sister just yet but... she'll have plenty of time to adjust, no doubt.  It was cute to see Katie glance at her, pat her a few times then she was ready to go back to playing with her books & on to something else.

Isn't amazing how little babies just warm your heart.  Welcome to the family Carly Faye, we love you!

Hey diddle diddle

Well here it is, the famous finished mural I painted on Kayla's bedroom wall awhile back.  I have to say that I am very proud of my work.  Even though all I did was print off images, cut my own stencil out with a knife & then simply trace & paint them on the wall... I think it turned out very cute!

Heck, I may even paint more things on the walls in our house now, who knows.  LOL

I'm so happy... we finally re-did Kayla's closet this weekend too!  I stayed up way beyond my bedtime Thursday to paint not one but FOUR coats of bright white paint in the closet.  Since there isn't any lights in there, I figured I would go with something a little bright that way it might be a little easier to see everything.  Friday after I got off work, Fred met me at Lowe's & we purchased the shelving to install, then immediately went home & started to work on it.  It didn't take long at all & bam... a new wonderful closet emerged.  After I get everything organized like I want, I will take pics & post.  I'm definitely doing the guest bedroom closet exactly the same as soon as I get everything unpacked out of it someday.

I absolutely love organization!  I'm kinda weird like that I guess, but oh well.
Things always seem to move a little smoother if everything is organized, don't ya think?

New wedding band

As I said before, over a month ago Fred lost his wedding ring somewhere in a pasture, so I bought him a new one a few weeks ago.

Well it finally came in & I picked it up earlier this week.  It's nice!  I guess I didn't pay that close attention to it when we bought it.  Hopefully he doesn't lose this one.

13-14-15 months

So here is a recap of the past few months... I'm so far behind.

At the beginning of January we finally had family pictures taken & they turned out really good!  January 23rd is hubby's birthday, so I made him a chocolate cake & attempted the best decorating job that I knew how, then we went over to his parent's house to celebrate.

In the time frame since I last blogged, Kayla started walking & is now successfully moving at a high rate of speed these days.  She has 7 teeth & working on more.  She's also saying more words now too.  Simply amazing isn't it?

Kayla is full of life & full of everything these days.  She eats pretty much about anything you give her, so far I haven't really found anything she doesn't like.  Apparently I was an extremely picky eater when I was little, so I've been crossing my fingers she wouldn't take after me.  She's not a morning person, AT ALL!  She likes to wake up in her own sweet time frame & definitely isn't happy if she's forced to get out of bed before she's ready to.  That's when a little attitude comes peeping out of her.

For whatever reason, I got this bright idea awhile back that I wanted to paint hey diddle diddle on the wall above her bed.  I guess I became brave after succeeding at the silhouette I painted a few months ago.  I have to admit, the idea in my head was great but once I actually started on it, I was starting to doubt myself.  I am happy to say that it turned out so cute though & I was actually impressed.  Of course, I stenciled everything on the wall & basically painted in the lines... how hard can that be.  Anyways, her room is slowly but surely coming together.  Considering she's 15 months old now, I should have had her bedroom done a long time ago, but hey... I'm working on it.  By the time I actually finish she'll be able to tell me that she wants something else I'm sure.  Next project is her closet.  I'm going to install new shelving in the next week or so & I'm very excited about that.  I have a vision for it, now I just have to make it happen!

Watching Kayla grow every day is absolutely the best thing in the entire world to me.  Her bubbly personality totally makes the sun shine bright.  I'm head over heels addicted to her laugh too.  I just can't help it.  I simply can't imagine my life before she was in it or what I would ever do without her.

I think my favorite mommy time is in the evenings before bedtime... when she's snuggled in my lap with her cup of milk, watching tv with me right before it's time to pass out, then I get to carry her off to bed & get those sweet hugs n kisses goodnight.  Those are moments I treasure every day & thank the Lord that he gave me this sweet angel.

Date Night Surprise

Well last Saturday night, we finally had another date night, woohoo!  My mother-n-law came over around 8pm to watch Kayla so we could actually go out for once.  We ended up running to the mall for some quick errands... one being that I needed some new bras & hadn't had a chance to go get any.  That was a quick trip though.  I hate shopping, so we were in & out of the store in a flash.  Then we headed to Kay Jewelers where we found him a new wedding ring, since he lost his a few weeks ago in the middle of a pasture somewhere.  After that, we ended up at Longhorn Steakhouse to eat some dinner.  We had a really nice dinner & I even drank a beer!  Man that beer tasted good too, it's been a long time since I had one.  After dinner, we headed home.

The fact that Fred came up with the idea for us to go out, all on his own... well that meant a lot to me.  I was starting to wonder when or if he would ever get the notion to.  After all, we hadn't had a real date night since November & well... to me that seems like forever ago.

As much as I love spending every moment I possibly can with my precious little girl... sometimes I need a little adult one-on-one time as well.  So when the opportunity arises, I take advantage of it.

I love you honey & thank you for planning a date night!

Week 16-26

Week 16 thru 26 came & went... here we are week 27. I finally met with Paula last Wednesday. Fred was scheduled to come with me, but he unexpectedly had to make a trip to Clinton to rescue his brother with a broken trailer instead. I decided to keep the appointment with Paula for myself anyways.

Our visit was great as it always has been in the past.  She asked a lot of questions, trying to get caught up on everything the past few months & we just sat & talked.  It felt good to get some things off my chest & to talk about positive things that have happened since the last time I saw her.

Everything is a work in progress for us.  Each day is a new day.  I'm trying to stay as positive as I can for the sake of my sanity & in hopes to keep a bright spirit to set an example for my family.  I do believe that a happy, bright spirit in a person can bring light to others around them, so that's my goal.  Even though I don't succeed at this every day, I sure do try.

I'm very happy to report that my wonderful husband has been great about coming home earlier each day during the week to spend time with us in the evening.  That's been a huge change from before.  I think he started to realize how much he misses with Kayla not seeing her as often & not to mention the time that he & I get to spend together in the evenings is nice as well.  He's also helped with a few small projects around the house which is awesome, some of which I didn't even have to remind him of.

Valentine's Day...
My hubby made me a homemade steak dinner, with salad & corn!  Yum!  Yum!  He bought me the sweetest card & the "Breaking Dawn" movie.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better Valentine's Day this year.  It was truly awesome!  I love you honey.

Even though we still have a lot of challenges ahead, we've most definitely have made some huge strides.

I know this is short & sweet... but for now, that's all I have time for.  More updates to come.