Week 10

Well here we are... week 10.  Fred finally made an appointment for us to see Paula this upcoming Friday.  I was starting to wonder if we were ever going back.

Last Sunday, was another difficult day for us.  After he had been gone most of the week, he promised that we would do a little shopping together Sunday & spend some family time together.  He said he needed to go feed & move some calves first, so I pushed him out the door right after Kayla had her breakfast, in hopes he would return by noon like he said he would.  I figured the earlier he got out the door, the more likely he would actually return by noon time.

2:30pm rolled around & he finally called, but only to ask if we wanted to go to lunch with his parents.  He said that he really wanted his parents to see Kayla & acted a little pissy with me, but Kayla had just fallen asleep for her afternoon nap about 10 minutes before he called.  I wasn't about to wake her up when I had been fighting with her to take a nap for almost an hour, ugh.  I told him that if he wanted to go eat with his parents, then go ahead.  He said, no & that he was fixing to head home.  So I waited...

4:30pm rolls around... I'm quite pissed off by this point.  So I call.  And call.  And call.  Finally he calls me back to say that he's been working doing whatever & that he had decided to meet his dad at the clinic to help treat a dog & was fixing to head that way to do that.

What happened to getting home at noon to spend time with the family?  Going shopping?  Apparently I missed something somewhere.  Seems like this happens quite often.  Needless to say I was fairly short with him on the phone.

I then load Kayla up & we head to Target to do some much needed shopping.

5:30pm rolls around.  He sends me a text & says that if I want to come pick him up at the clinic he will go shopping with us... Really?  Seriously?  I replied & let him know we had been at Target for awhile & left it at that.

After we checked out at Target, loaded everything in the truck to head home... Kayla decided to have a potty disaster.  Yeah... and guess who somehow forgot to pack wipes?  I had a plan of stopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond after Target, but that was out of the question now.  The new plan of action was to head home & clean little miss Love Bug up.

To make a long story short... he was then suppose to arrive home at 7:30pm, but called yet AGAIN & ended up not showing up until somewhere between 8:30-9:00.

Why me?

One of our big issues is the fact that he always puts Kayla & I last on the list & sometimes I question whether we're even on his list.  We've been discussing this in counseling, on more than one occasion & I really thought he understood or was trying to understand where I'm coming from.  Your marriage & family are suppose to be #1 no matter what.  If you & your spouse don't have a healthy relationship/marriage, then everything downfalls from there.

I refuse for my daughter to grow up being disappointed because daddy couldn't make it home in time to take us somewhere & all because he had to work on something that could have easily waited until the next day.  Broken promises, I won't have it.

The problem is that my hubby can't say no to his dad... when his dad asks him to do something even if he has commited himself to coming home by noon, for what ever reasons, he won't stand up & tell him that he has made plans to spend time with his family & the task can wait until tomorrow or another day.  The way I see it, is that he has absolutely no voice with him.  I know it's gotta be hard for him to say something when it's family he works with & for... but then again, when is it our turn?  When does my hubby stand up for our family?  So far, it hasn't happened yet.  This saddens me in more ways than one.  I hate the fact that my husband is seemingly scared of his father & doesn't have enough courage to stand up to him even when it's standing up for his own family (me & Kayla).

There is no question in my mind, that if my job was jeopardizing my marriage or family in any way... I would find a different job, period.  My family is more important to me than anything else & I will always put them #1.  I just wish my husband felt the same way.  I know it's harder for him, because he works for family & this is all he's known & all he's worked his entire life, but where do you draw the line?

We have a lot of obstacles to over come (putting it lightly) & to be brutally honest, right now I'm not real sure we are going to over come them.  I feel like I've been pushed to the edge so many times, that I'm just exhausted & numb from all of it.  I'm tired of fighting for my marriage by myself.  I'm tired of being disappointed & hurt.  I'm just flat tired.

I know life is not a big scoop of yummy ice cream all the time.
I know this & I don't expect it to be.  The problem is that it takes two people to make a successful marriage & lately I don't feel like both of us are working equally as hard.

By the time Fred got home Sunday evening... I was drained.  Mentally & physically drained from the day.  Once again, I waited around for him to arrive... first by noon, then by 3pm... then again by 6pm, then again by 7:30pm.  So when he finally rolled in at almost 9pm... yeah... I was done.  Ready to throw in the towel.  Ready to say, pack your bags & move back in with your parents because that's where you spend most of your time anyways.  Seriously.

So unfortunately, that was a horrible start for the week.

I wish I could snap my fingers & everything get better & we get back to a happier place again... but it doesn't work that way.

I'm not sure what the rest of the week will bring yet.  I'm looking forward to seeing Paula on Friday.  I'm a little lost & ready to scream at this point & I need some sound advice.

Rocking Chair

I've been looking for over a month now for a nice little rocking chair for Love Bug.  I just haven't been able to find one that I wanted to buy in the stores.  So I ended up ordering one online earlier this week.  While I was ordering that, I went ahead & ordered something else along with it (Playskool Step Start Walk 'N Ride - Pink).  The way it worked, was that if you purchased over a certain amount, shipping was free... go figure I was ONE dollar under that, so I looked & found something else I wanted for Kayla & ended up coming out better/cheaper doing that in the end then I would have if I would have just ordered the rocking chair by itself.

So today right after I got home from work, I was so excited to see the UPS truck pulling on to my street.  I felt like a little kid watching out the window... except he apparently thought my address was across the street & I watched him get out of his truck & walk the package up to their door & drop it off... Ugh!  Of course I immediately walked outside but he was quick & had already jumped in his truck & was driving off by the time I made it far enough outside.  It worked out just fine though... the neighbor looked at the package as I was walking across the street & met me half way with it in hand & said "this is yours".

I was hoping to receive the rocking chair, but the Playskool Step Start Walk 'N Ride came first instead.  That's ok though.  When I un-boxed it, I learned that it required some assembly.  Does anything come fully assembled these days, geez.  After I fed Kayla her dinner, we merged to the living room to start putting together her new toy.  This took a little longer than what I was expecting it to.  Apparently Kayla was bored or extremely tired, because before I knew it she was passed smooth out on the floor.  It was cute.  She looked so peaceful & despite my attempts to awake her, she wasn't having it.  So after I finished assembling everything... I scooped her up, put her nite-nite clothes on, cuddled with her on the couch to give her a bottle, then put her to bed.

Even though I'm not sure that I'm emotionally ready for Love Bug to start walking yet... I know it won't be long before she's running thru the house & I'm tripping over myself chasing her.  I figure this new toy will help her learn to walk better.  Now I'm ready for morning to get here so I can see if she likes it!

Check out this kick-ass rocking chair that I'm so patiently awaiting now.  Totally cute, huh!  I hope it's just as cute as the picture online.  My parent's have the same little rocking chair they had when my brother & I were little & well... since my brother is 54 years old now... you can imagine it's been around for quite some time.  Anyways, little miss Kayla is able to crawl in to the rocking chair all by herself & she loves to just sit there & rock for long periods of time.  That's when I knew, I for sure had to get one for our house so she can enjoy one here as well.  I just didn't want to buy one that was pink, or had a certain character on it, I wanted something a little more plain or that fit us better, so that's when I found this one online & fell in love with it.

Just wait... when Kayla starts playing with dolls, barbies & all that fun stuff... I will get to become a child again, woohoo!  I just love spending time with her, we have so much fun now & I know as she grows it will only get better.  I think my husband thinks I'm a little looney from time to time, because I talk, sing or what ever constantly with Kayla, but she thinks I'm entertaining... so that's all that matters to me.  Ha Ha

I wanna be a fun mom for Kayla & any future children we have.  My goal is to be well rounded for my kids.  I want them to have fun with me, but yet know their boundaries as they grow & want to come to me with anything that's on their mind.

Being a mommy is so exciting, I love every minute of it.  It's just amazing how drastically your life changes when you have a child.  Life is absolutely great!

Week 8-9

Well technically, this is week 9, but we haven't been to see Paula together since September 28th & I had my one-on-one appointment with her on October 12th.

So it's officially been, as of tomorrow, 4 weeks since we have seen Paula together.  Wow.

It's been one thing or another I guess.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about the fact we haven't been.  I know I'm not happy about it, but I feel like some things are out of my control.

Fred has been saying he would call & make us an appointment, but again... that has yet to happen.  Very frustrating to say the least.

I know he was sick, then out of town trying to plant wheat & all, then this week I had the Jr Rodeo Banquet last night, etc.  I don't know... seems like a bunch of excuses to me.

I wrote him a letter last weekend, expressing my feelings about what I feel we've made progress with & other things that I would like us to work on.

Date night would be one of those things.  It still hasn't happened & the more time that passes it just feels almost pointless to mention it.  Why should I have to keep reminding him how important this is?  When or if date night ever comes... it really doesn't hold much value for me at this point.  I know that's sad to say, but that's just how I feel.

Although, he keeps promissing that after he's finished planting wheat that we'll have more time together.  I hate to say this, but I have my doubts.

Don't get me wrong, we've made progress in some areas.  It's just frustrating for me that some of the most important things have still gone un-touched I guess.

I know my mood lately has been a little tough too.  I'm sleep deprived & just physically & mentally exhausted.  I'm starting to wonder if I will ever catch up on my sleep again & I feel like I have a headache 24 hrs a day anymore.  Ugh.  A little stressed to I guess.

I'm still trying to look on the bright side, smile, keep my chin up & say a few prayers from time to time in hopes things will get better soon.

Please... God give me strength!

First Tooth

Well I can officially feel my little love bug's first tooth coming in finally!  Poor little thing hasn't slept a full night in almost two weeks now.  She wakes up off & on through the night & I know she must be uncomfortable.

The not sleeping is wearing on me, but so far I'm still able to function during the day without completely passing out from exhaustion.

I keep waiting for the morning when my hubby tells me to stay in bed, rest or sleep in while he gets up & tends to love bug.  Needless to say, I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Kayla & I have so much fun together, she's just a total blast right now.  Tonight she made me laugh so hard & since I was laughing... she started laughing harder & we were both laying in the floor just laughing together.  So cute.  I wish I had a video camera to record these precious moments to look back on in the future.  It would be awesome to be able to show her when she's all grown up just how damn cute she was & how much fun we had.

As soon as her first tooth is viewable, I will definitely be taking some pics to post for everyone to see.

This morning I was actually ready to leave the house earlier than usual... had everything packed & in the truck ready to roll, but as soon as I walked back in the house to scoop up Kayla to head out the door... well she had a nice surprise for me.  Potty!  She had a total blow-out literally.  Of course, she was wearing an outfit that she hadn't worn yet & even though it was second-hand, it was new to her & she looked so adorable in it.  I had plans on snapping a few pics before walking out the door, but that thought changed as soon as I realized we had a small disaster on our hands to take care of.  Poor thing.  I basically gave her a bath with wipes.

I filled the bathroom sink with warm water, soaked her outfit down with stain remover spray then thew it in the sink to soak for the day.  Quickly grabbed another outfit from the closet, dressed her, then out the door we went.  All in all, instead of being 15-20 minutes early for work this morning like I had planned... I ended up being 15 minutes late.  Go figure right?  Oh well, it happens I guess.  Seems like it's always something though.  Mornings just never go my way for some reason, but I've came to the conclusion that there isn't a whole lot I can do about it so why keep stressing over it.

I had to run by the store on my way home from work today to get a few things that we needed, so by the time I did that, un-loaded everything at the house, then picked Kayla up from my parents house... it was almost 7pm.  Not much time to spend with her since she goes to bed between 8-8:30pm.  Tomorrow I don't have errands to run, so I will be able to spend more time with her after work.

Friday I take her to get her first flu shot.  Yikes.  I'm a little nervous.  I'm not affraid of needles in the least bit, but when it comes to my love bug getting shots... ok I'm a little weenie about it I will admit.

She's quickly approaching the 11 month mark & I'm sooo not ready yet.  What happened to the past 11 months?  Why does it have to go so fast?  Before I know it, she will be asking to borrow the truck or something... UGH somebody please slap me!

I know I've said this 100 times, but oh well here it is again... I love being a mommy!  I absolutely love every minute of it.  Even the moments that are messy & might not smell so pretty... I don't mind at all.  I can't even imagine what my life was like before Kayla.

Well I guess that's a wrap for this evening.

Good night & sweet dreams to my love bug, mommy loves you & I have a feeling I will be seeing your beautiful face shortly... so I better catch a few zzz's while I have the opportunity too.

God Gave Me You

I've loved this song since the first time I heard it & I immediately thought of my hubby.  I know that we've had our ups & downs lately, but the most important thing is that we love each other & I know that we will make it through these tough times & come out better & stronger afterwards.  From the moment we got together, I've believed deep down that the man above was the one who put our hearts together from the very start.  I love my hubby oh so very much... so this is for you honey.  I love you.

God Gave Me You - Blake Shelton

I’ve been a walking heartache

I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

Week 7

Week 7 - October 12th

Fred was not able to attend our appointment because he was out in western Oklahoma doing the cattle stuff.  So I decided to go by myself to see Paula.

We had a really good chat, as we always do.  I have to admit I was a little disappointed that Fred was unable to come with me, but I think it was good that I was able to have that time by myself to talk to Paula though.

She asked the typical questions about how everything had been going, have there been any arguments/disagreements, if we had date night yet, etc.  I was sad to report that there still hasn't been a date night.

I expressed my frustrations with everything.  Especially date night & how I feel that I'm over looked, put to the side, almost as if he doesn't feel I'm deserving of a night out or he would make more of an effort to schedule something.

How random tasks that I ask of him to help me with... somehow never get done.  It feels like he hears my requests, but yet choses to put them to the side, ignore or completely forget about them altogether.  Then I take on the "nagging" roll of kindly reminding him time & time again... but unfortunately that doesn't work either.  The tasks still go undone.  With some things, I typically go ahead & just do them myself, because well... I asked for help for a reason & if it's something that needs done in a timely manor, I'm left with no other choice than to figure it out myself & make the time or find someone else to help me (which is kinda embarressing).

Sometimes I feel like the maid, instead of a wife.  I hate that feeling.  Absolutely hate it.

I've tried to express my feelings to him so many times that I'm blue in the face.  Again... he hears my frustrations, hurt & anger... and usually things get better for a few days, but then we go right back to the same mudhole.  He always apologizes, says things will get better, that he is trying & will try harder.  But I'm so tired of hearing I'm sorry, I want to actually see some effort.  If he completes one project/task that I've requested help with, then nothing else gets done for weeks/months at a time after that.  It's almost like he feels he's done his one good deed for the year & I should be satisfied with that.  Ugh, frustration.

The stress of everything really gets to me sometimes.  I want so badly for everything to be right with us again.

Some days I feel hope & others, I feel like I'm running into a brick wall at 100mph.

Fred was suppose to call Paula yesterday, then again today... to schedule our next appointment, but he hasn't yet.  So I'm not real sure when our next appointment will be.

First ring

December 2008 - was when I received my first official ring from my sweetheart!

It's hard to believe it's already been that long ago.

What a beautiful ring it is too!

It's been a while since I've been able to wear it, because my finger has simply been to fat for it.  I tried it on a few weeks ago & low & behold... it fits again!  Hurray.  So the past week or so, I've been wearing it, just on on my right hand instead of the left.  I really love that ring.

Thanks again honey for that beautiful ring, I love you!