Easter Bunny

Easter Day was great!  Kayla was so excited that the day was finally there... all she cared about was that the kids (2 nieces & nephew) were coming over and they were going to hunt Easter eggs.

We had everyone over to our house for lunch and the afternoon and I know the kids had a blast playing and hunting eggs.  Needless to say, by 3pm... I was exhausted though.

I picked Fred up from the airport the night before so it was a nice surprise for her to wake up and daddy was home.  I could tell that he was happy he made the decision to come home and be with us for Easter Day.

I was determined after everything... everyone was going to have a great Easter this year!  I do believe we were successful at that.

Our next appointment with Paula is this Thursday evening.  So I'm hoping we can really get on the road to recovery and start with one foot in front of us in a positive direction from here on.  There's a lot of work to be done in our marriage and in our family for sure.  I just hope that I can keep the faith and that he puts forth the extreme effort it will take to repair our marriage and our family.

One day at a time... one day at a time.  That's all you can do sometimes.

One foot in the right direction

Let me just say that our meeting with Paula on Wednesday didn't go quite like I had hoped it would.  I knew there was a chance things wouldn't go well... however I will admit I had high hopes.

We discussed the current issue at hand, which was the South Carolina trip that was planned over Easter weekend.  I had major issues with this.  Not the trip itself... just the timing of it and the fact he would be gone on Easter.  Ugh.

Here's a breakdown of my issues revolving around this:

• His family (Kayla and I) weren't considered or consulted in the decision, I was just "told" this is how it is and will be.
• He would be missing Easter when Kayla's been looking forward to daddy hiding Easter eggs for over a week now.
• Not standing up to his dad and telling him that he wanted to be with his family for the holiday and to reschedule the trip for another time.
• Trying to convince me that there was nothing that could be done to change the trip and that he was going no matter what because that's what his dad had arranged and we never go against what dad wants of course.

The ultimatum I gave him:

• Go on the trip and move out.
• Not go on the trip and spend Easter with his family.

It didn't take long after we started talking to Paula, that I realized it was time for me to hang my head in defeat.  It was the most emptiest feeling I think I've ever felt in my life.  No matter what Paula said or tried to talk to him about - he continued to argue in favor of the trip.  The problem is that this goes much much deeper than just this trip and this instance we're currently having the issues with.  It always revolves back around to the fact he never puts his family (Kayla and I) first for anything.  His parents always consume 90% of his time - weekdays and weekends included.  This is the heart of our problems... not putting effort into our marriage and our family except from time to time or when it's convenient.  When ever his dad barks orders, he runs... and that's every time.  I can't think of any instance in which he said "dad, I'm spending time with my family today so it will have to wait until tomorrow."  If he calls and tells him something needs to be done and he wants it done today or right this minute... well off he goes.  It's as simple as that.  This is how it's always been - us taking a back seat to everything else.  Well I'm tired and fed up with it and the South Carolina trip just completely put me over the edge.  I couldn't take any more of this back burner bull shit from him.  That's why I gave him the ultimatum... prove to us that you want our family and that we are what's most important to you.

Paula tried very hard to convince him he would be making a big mistake and would regret later on for the decision of leaving his family behind.  Unfortunately it didn't work.  He threw money down on the table next to her and walked out the door as he said "if you're going to throw our family away over a trip then f*ck you."

As he walked out the door... I could feel him pulling my heart on a chain behind him.  Dragging what pieces were left at that point.  I felt sick.  Totally sick.

Paula immediately started talking to me and trying to comfort me.  She said that she was sorry and that she knew he was making a mistake but that sometimes people who are solely on someone else's lead, cannot see things any other way until later on down the road.  She told me that she knew that he is torn between trying to do whatever his dad wants or says and being with his family too.  Unfortunately we always end up last.  Paula said I was a good woman and that there's not many women who would admit when they're wrong and apologize for it when it's brought to their attention - she said she admired that about me.  She said I am strong and to keep my head up because there's someone out there who would appreciate, admire and respect me as I deserve to be.

It's nice to hear positive things about yourself when you're at the bottom of the barrel.  However, it's hard to swallow when your completely empty inside.

She gave me a big hug as I was leaving and said that she was there if I needed her.

Back up for just a minute... over the past 2 1/2 years, we would meet at Braums up the street from Paula's house and ride together for our appointments, then I would drive him back to his truck afterwards.  This time was no different... we met at Braums and rode together to Paula's house for our appointment.

As I walked out of her house to my truck I quickly realized he wasn't anywhere in sight, so I knew he had probably started walking.  Of course he didn't take our usual route through the neighborhood, so I had to drive down a street or two before I finally saw him walking.  I drove up to him and stopped, rolled the window down and told him to get in.  No matter how badly I was hurt, I wouldn't have let him walk all the way back to his truck.

Long story short - we sat and talked in my truck at Braums for awhile with no resolution.  After we both left Braums in separate vehicles, I headed home to let the dog out real quick then go pick up Kayla from my parents house.  As he was leaving he said he would be home shortly.  I could only assume where he was going.

Now everything goes down hill...

After I was home and had let the dog out, I headed down the street to my parents house.  As soon as I walked in the door - my dad proceeded to tell me that Fred's mother had called him and had told him that I was going to divorce Fred if he went on this trip and wanted to know what was going on.  At that point my whole body went completely numb.  My first thought was, "SERIOUSLY?"  I mean, what the hell - why is my mother-in-law calling my parents talking about our marriage, wondering what they think?  It doesn't matter what anyone thinks except for the two of us.  It's our marriage, our family and our problems!!  We will either resolve them or we won't - no need to go dragging parents or anyone else for that matter into it.  That only makes things 100% worse.  I was only aware that marriage had two people in it and that's it - apparently I missed something somewhere along the way.

Anyone who knows my father, can only imagine how not-very-happy he was about the fact Fred's mother had called him and then decided to bash me... "she doesn't cook, clean or do his laundry like she should be."  According my father he fired back at her, "well he needs to help her around the house, he never mows the lawn, etc."  I guess his mother hung up the phone and that was the end of their conversation.  Ugh.  After my dad told me about their short phone conversation - I felt ever more sick to my stomach.  I couldn't believe that everything seemed to be going to hell so fast.  How could someone's life fall completely apart within a matter of a few hours not to mention having our parents yelling at each other - and we are grown married adults?  I was just clueless.  Needless to say my parents were wound up so I bailed out of there as quickly as I could and headed home with Kayla for the night.

What a day.  What a total and complete flipping mess.

I managed to hold myself together while in Kayla's presence, but I knew she knew something wasn't right.  As we were going through our usual nighttime routine, in a very quiet voice she asked me where daddy was.  Before I could answer, she said, "he's working isn't he?"  I said that he would be home after she went to bed and that maybe she would get to see him in the morning.

As I was waiting for Fred to come home.  I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind in order to make the decision to take the trip and leave his family in the dust.  I felt so defeated and beaten down.  Like what's so wrong with us?  We deserve far better than that.

I read a few things just the other day...

• "Sometimes the person you want most, is the person you're best without. Let go of what you feel and remember what you deserve."
  
• "When you really matter to someone, that person will always make time for you.  No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises."

When I read both of those the other day I thought - wow... amazing how true those are.

Before we got married - I knew marriage wasn't an easy road however I couldn't have predicted the hurdles we've had to endure so far.  My climbing boots are in shreds by this point.

When Fred finally arrived home that night - we sat in silence for awhile.  I think both of us were trying to process the day and everything that had happened between us.

I finally broke the silence and we talked off and on until we went to bed.  As I was crawling into bed next to him I had so many emotions running through me... thinking this could be the last time we slept in the same bed together.  We continued to talk some while laying in bed.

Then from out of nowhere it was like a light bulb had came on in his head - he asked "If I can be here on Easter, will that make it ok?"  I reiterated to him that was the reason I was upset and mad in the first place because he wasn't going to be here for Easter with his family.

That's when he managed to come up with a plan.  He said that he could fly his brother out to South Carolina on Saturday to drive his dad home and he would fly home Saturday evening so he would be here for Easter with us.  I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt a little hopeful it would work - however in the back of mind I kept thinking to myself that I shouldn't even get hopeful until I see proof.  As he was on his Kindle looking up flights or whatever - I ended up passing out.  My body was done, I was completely exhausted.

The next morning, Kayla had a little bit of a hard time with him.  Just wanting her mommy - so I had to merge the two together like I sometimes have to do.  He left the house a little after 8 am to head out and I wasn't sure what to expect after that.  He called around 10 am to let me know that he had bought the plane tickets and everything was arranged so he could be here for Easter with us!  I was excited that he had even made the effort and had came up with a plan to somehow make everything work out.  They were already on the road and said he would call when they settled in for the night in Tennessee.

Even though daddy was going to get to be here for Easter now... I knew there was another issue I needed to address in order to full fill our Easter plans completely.  His mother.  I ended up not going into work because there was no way I could hide my swollen emotional face from the day before.  Apparently I had cried so much that my eye lids were completely swollen up... it was a mess to say the least.  I didn't feel like answering questions about what was wrong at work, so I decided it would be better if I called in.  After laying down with an ice pack across my eyes for what seemed like forever - I felt presentable.  I managed to drag myself out of the house and to a few stores to get some things then back home.

After doing some serious thinking - I decided I needed to call his mother and ask her over to talk about everything.  I felt this was the right thing and the only thing to do.  Unless she feels otherwise, we've always got along in the past so I felt like the two of us needed to talk.  I called her and she didn't answer, but she called me back and I invited her over to chat.  Without hesitation she said she would and she came right over.  Since Kayla was still at my parents house I felt it was best for us to talk before I went to pick up Kayla.

At first we just talked about this and that - then I broke the ice and told her why I wanted her to come over.  She stayed for a few hours and in my opinion, everything went really good.  She said that Fred had called her after our appointment with Paula and told her I wanted a divorce if he went on this trip.  We talked about the fact that Fred runs to her and tells her every time we get into an argument or fight and always places the blame on me.  Everything is always my fault. We discussed the "lying" that goes on between her, Fred and his siblings to his dad.  I told her that lying has been an issue between us because I catch him lying about the smallest and stupidest things sometimes and I can't figure out why.  Apparently lying is second nature to them because that's how they've always managed to keep his dad happy.  I addressed the fact that no parents should be involved in our marriage issues, it only makes everything worse and only causes our parents to dislike each other and especially me or him.  Hence the whole reason I never run and tell my parents when we have an argument, fight or disagreement - both my parents love and respect Fred a lot and that could easily go the other direction if I ran to them every time I was pissed off at him.  I told her that I could understand why she would dislike me from him making me out to be the bad guy all the time.  She agreed that him telling her everything needed to stop and that he needed to spend more time at home with us.  Funny enough, she said that his "coming home so late" because he had to work stories... aren't exactly that.  She said he could get home a lot earlier if he wanted to.  All in all, I think we had a good conversation and got a lot of things out in the open and discussed.  I was very glad I called her to come over and we went to my parents house to pick up Kayla together.  Everything was fine and nothing was discussed in front of Kayla.  My parents and her just talked briefly before we headed back out the door for home.  She had to get going, so she left right after we got back to the house.

So much in just a short amount of time huh!

When I decided to sit down to blog about it, my head started hurting just thinking about everything all over again. What a total mess.

The brightest part is that we will all be together for Easter - minus Fred's dad and brother of course, who I wish could be here too.

I feel like in a way, we are starting over again from the beginning.  We have a long road ahead of us, but I'm going to try to focus on the positives and hope that someday we will be in a good place together.

Another crazy day

Monday was such a whirlwind for me.  Lots of emotions, lots of thoughts going through my head... and then to top it all off... there was a fraudulant transaction that attempted to hit my bank card!!  Yeah... unbelievable huh.  When I first got the phone call, I felt sick to my stomach.  Needless to say, I had to make a trip to the bank to get everything straightened out, however I am temporarily without a card until I receive a new one.  Ugh.

I pay all my bills online so this totally sucks.

When it rains, it pours!

Monday night when I finally laid my head down on my pillow... I prayed.  I will admit that I probably do not do that as much as I should, but sometimes when you get to that spot where you are not sure where else to go... you have to turn somewhere.  I prayed for so many things too.  I prayed for the strength to make the right decisions for my family, I prayed for my husband to be the strong man that I know he really is deep down, I prayed for my beautiful sweet daughter and her understanding heart through the tough times we are experiencing right now, for my friends and family as well.

My little sugar plum is so young, so she does not quite understand whats going on... I just want to make sure I keep a positive attitude from day to day so that she stays happy too.  The last thing I ever want to do is hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way.

I would have to say the most precious thing to me is my daughter.  I look forward to every morning when I go crawl in her bed with her to snuggle and wake her up... or when she comes and crawls into my bed to snuggle with me early in the morning.  That is totally priceless in my opinion! Simply amazing!

Well hopefully as the week continues... it will get better for us.

A cry for help

It's almost been two years now since we first started counseling with Paula.  Hard to believe its already been that long.  I'm thankful for counseling in many ways and I can honestly say that I've learned a lot about myself through this process.  It's been a tough road and we still have a really long ways to go yet.

When we started counseling, I thought things could only go up from that point.  I didn't even think about it being such a roll-a-coaster ride, which is exactly what its been.

If someone were to ask me how I felt about the overall results from counseling, I wouldn't know what to say.  We still have a lot of the same issues we had when we started, and after all this time I'm starting to lose hope that those things will ever change for the future.  I tried so hard to be a positive person and work on things, however the continued neglect on the other side, well that's only made my heart harden a little more each day.

Our communication is for the most part one-sided.  I guess he feels that its not necessary I know whats going on or that its not a big deal.  He could go out of town and I wouldn't have a clue until later when he decides to tell me or if I ask him what he did or how his day went.  Every time I ask him why he doesn't call to let me know whats going on, his answer is always the same... "I didn't think it was a big deal" OR "I didn't think about it."

A simple phone call or a simple conversation can go a long ways - it's getting him to understand that communication is a HUGE part of a marriage or relationship.  When you don't have good communication... then what?

I would have to say the two biggest issues we have is communication and the fact that he's more committed to his parents then he is to his family (Kayla and I).  We could have plans already set, however, if one of his parents call, then our plans immediately go by the way side - no questions asked.  Of course he doesn't see it this way.  The constant response I get is, "It's my job" or "I can't help it, it's just the way it is and has to be."  Which is total bullshit in my opinion!  The truth of it is that he's too afraid to stand up to his father and tell him that he already has plans with his family.  He would much rather hurt or upset me and Kayla then to stand up to his father OR tell him no.

I beg for attention from him on a constant basis... for Kayla's sake as well as mine.  He doesn't seem to see or understand the big picture of what's happening to our family.  It's completely falling apart at the seems.

Just this morning, after taking Kayla to the bathroom - as we were leaving the bathroom I said "let daddy come put your diaper on because mommy needs to jump in the shower"... her immediate response was, "daddy is to busy for me."  If she were saying that about me, I would be heart-broken at the fact she would even think for a minute I was to busy for her.  Yet, even when I tell him what she's said - I don't see much of a reaction from him.  I don't always tell him everything she says when he's not here, but there are times when I will admit I shed a tear with the things she says.  At three years old - she knows and seems to understand so much.  She's told my aunt on more than one occasion that "daddy doesn't live here."  Which absolutely kills me to think she would say something like that.  I only witnessed her say that once and other time I was told about it.

Around Valentine's Day, he had a small fall out with his father and for a whole week I actually felt like I had my husband.  It was amazing - he was home early in the evenings, we talked constantly and I tried to be there to comfort him through everything he was going through.  I actually saw a different person come out in him.  I really can't explain how amazing it was to see him stand up to his father and I could see that it was a huge relief for him to have done that.  I was so proud of him in so many ways that week.  The man I know he is and the man I married was with us that entire week and I loved every minute of it.  Unfortunately shortly there after - things went right back to the way they were before though.  I've felt crushed ever since.  For a short week I really thought maybe the light had finally came on with him.  I was wrong.

I know the kind of person I am better than anyone else does.  I know where my limits and boundaries are and when to say "enough is enough".  That's the spot I'm in today.

I remember Paula mentioning at a session some time back, that over a period of time, continuous negative things can cause the heart to harden towards someone.  Unfortunately that's been slowly happening to me.

When we took our vows, the preacher read from the bible:
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

I never realized just how deeply those words would affect me at the time the preacher said them.

A line has to be drawn between work and family - period.
For the longest time I tried to make excuses to myself and say "he's just a guy."
That's such bullshit though - he's a guy YES however I know many men that have quit their jobs, moved, and done numerous things for the sake of their families.  Yet I'm married to someone whose last priority is just that - his wife and child.

All I know is that we have an appointment with Paula on Wednesday - 2 days from now.

God help me, if something doesn't change soon.

How do you really know when it's time to call it quits and move on?
How do you really know when you've given everything you can possibly give and it's time for a dramatic change?

All I know for sure at this point is this... I'M TOTALLY DRAINED!
I find myself depressed thinking about everything.  I want to run outside and scream to the top of my lungs in hopes someone would hear my cry out to save our marriage before it's to late.

I can't imagine not wanting to change anything and everything to be with our sweet little sugar plum... she's the total highlight of my life.  Every breathe I take, every minute I'm awake or asleep - it's all about her.

Say a prayer tonight for my sanity, my marriage and my little sugar plum.

A Heavy Heart

My heart is crying tonight... my cousin Amy ended her life today.  I'm totally heart broken at the thought her life is now over.  I will never get to speak to her again or reminisce on all the years we ran around together back n the day and all the fun times we had together.  We were close once.  The pain our family feels right now is unspeakable.  It took a little while to sink and I'm still in some what disbelief.  This has to be some sort of nightmare that I'm in and surely I will wake up tomorrow and none of this would have happened.  I feel so badly for her sweet kids, grand kids, parents, brother, sister, nieces, nephews and everyone else that loves her so much.  Everyone loved her... she just had an awesome personality that drew people to her.  She had her struggles in life, there's no doubt about that, however she was always a person you just wanted to be around.  She was just so much fun!  Some of my best memories are hanging out with her.

My dear Amy... I love you so much, I regret that we haven't been as close the past few years.  I can't grasp why you made the decision that you have... however I will forever love you, miss you and always remember the great memories we made together!

Another day another diet

Well the past week has been interesting to put it lightly.  Some of which I can't discuss however I will just say that it's been trying in every way possible.

The crazy weather we've been having is totally nutts.  A little over a week ago I was in a short sleeved shirt pulling Kayla around the yard in her wagon having a grand ole' time outside... then the next day... freezing temps followed by snow & the temp in the teens.  I guess that's what we get here in good ole' Oklahoma huh!  Gotta love it.

So I started on yet another diet plan today!

I've read about it all over the internet and so far I hadn't read anything negative so I thought to myself the other day... "WHY NOT?"

It's called - Pure Cambogia.  Tons of celebs have lost lots of weight on it, so surely it should work for me too right?  I guess we'll see and I will keep everyone updated on the results as I go.  I ordered the free 4 week trial online, you just have to pay shipping... and no there's no other tricks that I've found.  You really just pay the shipping and nothing more - no future commitments or anything.  I was sold with that right off.  I figured heck if I try it and in 4 weeks I don't see the results I want then I won't mess with ordering more.

With this plan there's two bottles:

1.  Pure Cambogia Ultra

2.  Bowtrol Detox

I ordered both for under $10.00 in shipping and they arrived within 3 days.  Pretty awesome!

Even though I've already lost 33 lbs with another weight loss plan... I'm still to embarrassed to post my current weight for who knows who to see on here.  Through this 4 week process, I promise to be honest and post exactly how much I lose or (heaven forbid) gain.

My goal is not just losing the weight, but to feel better about myself and gain some of my self esteem back that I've lost through the past few years.  I've blown up over the past 4 years and I've been totally unhappy with not only the way I look but the way I feel on a daily basis.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the woman looking back at me.

I don't want my old body back.... I'm ready for my new body!

I want to get my sexy back!

Wish me luck, cross your fingers and toes... and please pray for me the next few weeks.

I'm going to need all the support I can get at this point!

Looking back on 2013 and today

Looking back on the year 2013 and today...

We've had a rough year to put it lightly.  Ups, downs... both good and bad times together.  I know that marriage isn't easy, however marriage is more challenging when the most effort is only one sided.  I took my vows seriously and refuse to give up easily... even though I will admit that it's crossed my mind more often in the past year than ever before.

If I had to sum up how our relationship is today - I would say we just live under the same roof at this point.  I know it's sad to say, however that's the cold honest truth.

We haven't been back to see Paula again together since 2012.  I went by myself a few times last year... in fact a little over a month ago I called her again for another appointment.  Paula has been a huge help for me personally in so many different ways.  It's no front page news that I've been unhappy for awhile now with the way things are in our marriage and Paula has really helped me cope with my feelings and understand that I'm not unjust in the way I feel.

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is his lack of priority for our family.  Kayla and I always come last if at all on his list.  The majority of his time is spent elsewhere catering to someone else's wants and needs.  I simply can't depend or count on him to be home when he says he will.  He basically sleeps here and is not an active participant in our household, relationship and especially his relationship with his daughter.  It breaks my heart to see the scar he's causing not only with me but mostly with Kayla.  I'm the one who always has to come up with the answer for why daddy isn't home or is never here with us.  The older she gets, she asks more questions and comes up with her own conclusions for where daddy's at.

Yesterday he went to help a friend and their children at an FFA show out of town... came home at 11pm, then fell asleep on the couch while we were watching tv.  Before we went to bed the brief conversation we had was that I needed to work from home today to catch up on things I was unable to get done this week while at work and he informed me that he needed to help his friend and kids again this morning with the show.  He needed to be there by 7am!  Basically he saw Kayla briefly yesterday morning and hasn't seen her since.  As he was leaving this morning, I awoke and followed him to the front door.  I said to him... "so I guess I need to call my parents to help watch Kayla today while i work since you're leaving again?"  His response was that he would be home by 1pm and he made an attempt to hug me before he left and the only thing I could say was, "just go."  With tears streaming down my face as he left, all I could think was the rough week I've had, the few nights I hadn't slept and was worn completely out... all I ask is for an extra hour of sleep on Saturday mornings and it's very rare that I have to work from home on the weekends and for him to make me a priority in his life for once instead of someone else.

The words Paula told me at our last meeting ring loud in my head today... "he's never going to change."  She simply told me that she was worried about the well-being for Kayla and I and said that she worries I'm holding on to someone who doesn't love his family enough to make the necessary changes in his life in order to hold this family together.  She reminded me of the times we've visited her together and we discussed the visits Fred and her had as well.  She said that she honestly believes he loves us... just not to the magnitude he needs to put us first in his life.  Then she told me, "you're not lost... you know where you're going or want to go in life... he's the one whose lost and needs to find himself."  Her last words that day were that she felt as if the marriage was already diminished and I was still holding out hope for something that was already lost.  Deep in my heart, I know she's right.

I've talked until I'm blue in the face to him about things and nothing seems to sink in.  I know that Kayla and I deserve to be someone's priority and I wish we were his.

After he walked out the door this morning, I kept thinking... why me?
Why does he have to be such an asshole to us?
Why is it 5pm and I still haven't heard from him?  Didn't he say he would be home at 1pm... once again ANOTHER LET DOWN!  Proving that we have no number on his list, hell... we aren't even on it.

I have a lot on my mind these days.  A lot of hurt inside for myself as well as Kayla.

This morning when Kayla crawled in bed with me shortly after he had left... she says "daddy isn't here and didn't come home?"  So I had to explain that he was home but had to leave again early.  Then my aunt stopped by for a few minutes earlier and she simply asked me if Fred was working and before I could say anything Kayla said to her, "daddy doesn't live here anymore!"  I had to remind myself to breathe because tears were about to fill my eyes.  My aunt just looked at me and asked if everything was ok and I said yes it's just been one of those days.  She could sense I didn't want to talk about it and didn't say anymore about it.  I told Kayla she was silly and said daddy still lives here why would you say that... she just said "ok haven't seen him."

Well I guess that's enough for today.  I have to make an attempt to get some work done while Kayla is awake... which is challenging!!!!

It's 2014 and I'm Back!

I am way past over due for blogging these days... in fact I had to end up resetting my password because it had been so long that I couldn't remember my old one, lol.  A year is a long time - I'm really going to make an effort to do better though.  I actually love blogging and I just need to make time to do it more often!

Weight Loss News:
I will start off with the good news... I lost 33 lbs in 2013 - woohoo for me!
It hasn't been an easy road and I still have a ways to go yet, however I'm proud of myself for the 33 lbs that I've lost so far.  It's a good start at least!!

Kayla update:
I'm struggling with the fact another year has come and gone.  My sweet baby turned 3 years old last month and she's growing up way to fast not to mention she's more adorable each and every day that passes.  I still can't get enough of her and I value each and every moment we can spend together.  She started Goat Undecorating at the Jr. Rodeo this year and she absolutely loved every minute of it.  It was just so cute to watch her.  After so many years of putting my heart into it for everyone else's children... I finally get to see the excitement on my own child's face when she participates, it's just an amazing feeling to have.  Everyone has their opinion's about the fact that it's a lot of time, work and stress - basically like having a second job sometimes to do what I do as a volunteer... however my payout doesn't come in cash form... it comes from the warmth of the children and parents who are appreciative when they know the time that's involved and how I pour my heart into the work I do there.  Truth be told there are some that like to challenge my sanity from time to time, however I try to take a few steps back and remind myself again why I'm really there and that I cannot change the negativity that some choose to carry and attempt to pass forward onto others around them.  I think in every organization no matter if it's rodeo, basketball, baseball, etc. - there are always going to be those people out there... and you can't always make everyone happy no matter how hard you try.  I've always been proud of our organization and look forward to many more years to come!

Bathroom Remodel:
Let me offer a little sound advice... if you only have one bathroom in your home... please consider adding on a second bathroom before deciding to put the only one you have almost completely out of commission for 2-3 weeks.  This my friends is a challenge I do not wish to do over again, LOL.  We ended up completely gutting it down to the studs... and so down the street I went to my parents house to take showers every evening, plus give my little honey bear a bath as well.  I have to say the good thing was that the toilet in our house was reset everyday so we weren't completely out of commission and we could use that when we needed to... just no showers or running water for the sink.  In a nutshell, we basically used the kitchen to brush teeth, wash hands, etc. until everything was back in order again.  For those that know me... I don't do well with everything out of sorts, so my sanity was pushed to the edge for this project.  I have to say I'm beyond thrilled with the final product and every time I walk in my bathroom now, I still can't believe it's our house, LOL.

One of my goals for 2014 is to blog more.  I really do enjoy it and it also helps me release thoughts I have even though some might question my stability at times, LOL.

~Until we meet again~

2013 Here I come

2013 is here and I have to say I wasn't fully prepared.  I played the Power Ball yesterday in hopes that the dreams I keep having that I win would actually come true.  Unfortunately I have no winnings to report as of yet.  No worries though, I'm sure it will eventually happen, LOL.

Our Christmas was great and my in-laws bought me a cedar chest at an auction and it's absolutely gorgeous... I love it and couldn't be more excited that I finally have one after all my years of wanting one.  Christmas day, my husband's family came over to eat lunch, open presents and hang out.  They ended up staying the entire day til around 6pm or so and I was absolutely exhausted after everyone finally left.  My biggest goal for the day was to get a much needed nap in before returning back to work the following day, but I didn't get my nap and I think I'm still trying to catch up on sleep from the holidays.  All in all... our Christmas turned out great this year though.

Sunday, December 30th was the annual Christmas gathering in Sulphur for my mother-in-laws side of the family.  Unfortunately we had a slight repeat of last years issues that morning and were off to a bad start for the day.  Even when I specifically asked my hubby the night before if there had been any prior driving arrangements made for our trip, he answered "no".  Funny though, that morning my mother-in-law called while we were eating breakfast to find out if I knew when my sister-in-law was picking us up?  A little confused, I said "huh, I wasn't aware she was picking us up" and was then informed that everyone had made the decision all the girls would ride together and all the boys would ride together.  Interesting... I basically told her I would discuss this with Fred and have him call his sister.  You can only imagine my frustration and hurt with this blind siding me at the very last minute.  It was obvious my husband had discussed driving arrangements and for what ever reason decided to lie to me the night before about them.  When I mentioned it to him, he only met me with resistance, raised his voice and then proceeded to tell me that I never listen so that's why he never said anything.  Again, I'm confused.  Long story short... we ended up driving ourselves down there and not riding with anyone.  For what ever reason I haven't stopped thinking about this since it's happened.  It royally bothers me that he would lie straight to my face about something so stupid and simple.  Then have his mom call me to drop the prior arranged plans in my lap the morning of.  Nothing about this sets to well with me.  I'm absolutely clueless what to even think of all of this.

Despite the crazy day it was, we had a very nice time that day and I can only hope and pray next year we won't have the same issues as we have the past two.

My New Years resolution this year is to lose weight!  I'm determined this time around.  The biggest key is getting my husband on board with it too.  For him not to bring home crap food, like donuts, candy, cookies or what ever else he thinks he needs to munch on.  That's one of my biggest downfalls is the crap he brings home... I can't sit there and watch him eat it and then refrain myself from eating it too.  That's just not fair in my opinion.

Well I guess for now that's about it for me... off to bed I go and tomorrow's Friday, woohoo!

December is almost over

Seems like I never take the time to blog anymore like I used to.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to do better about blogging more often.  I really do enjoy it!

Here's the last month recap...

Thanksgiving was nice.  We went to my big family gathering this year since not everyone had seen Kayla yet & others hadn't seen her in quite awhile.  We spent a few hours there then came home for naptime.

We had our family pictures made at Portrait Innovations, since Sears is going out of business at the mall.  I wouldn't recommend them to anyone if my life depended upon it.  I will have to write an entire other post about our experience with them & why I'm so pissed off about our experience.  Let's just say I hope nobody else I know goes to them EVER!

I took Kayla to Bass Pro again this year to get her picture made with Santa.  Now that she's older I wasn't sure how she would react, but she loved him!  It was so cute to watch her try to talk to him all serious, but the elves kept trying to get her to look at the camera & well that ended up making her a little mad, then of course that's the exact moment they snapped the picture.  Go figure.  I would have been ok with the picture of her trying to talk to him... to me that was just to cute.  Oh well.  Picture with Santa accomplished & it's something we can look back on again later.

Kayla's birthday party Sunday, December 9th went great.  She got a lot of stuff and enjoyed playing with all the kids and seeing everyone.  My BFF Kat made an awesome Minnie Mouse cake, it was so so cute!  Of course her birthday is so close to Christmas, that she's barely gotten to play with all of her birthday toys and bam it's Christmas & time for more gifts!  We did Christmas with my family yesterday at our house.  It was very nice, we had a great time.

I have to say that one of the biggest things that I'm thankful for is to be able to have family at our house for the holidays.  To have a big enough house to have everyone over is just the best feeling ever.  We were able to finish our den/office before the holidays too.  That was the best Christmas present ever.  It's so nice & beautiful, I love it!  It actually looks like a room now instead of a converted garage... just amazing.

I know this is short, but while I had a few moments I thought I would post a little update on what's been going on in our world the past month.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas & hope everyone stays warm in this chilly weather we're having.

Minnie Mouse success

I'm very proud to announce that Kayla's Minnie Mouse costume turned out great!  I will be the first to admit that during the process of sewing it together, I made several mistakes, had to take it apart a few times, lost some sleep thinking and worrying about it, but all in all... I'm so impressed with the final results.  Personally I think she's the cutest Minnie Mouse I've ever seen!

So here's how our Halloween week went.  At work we started decorating late last week and I must say I loved the way everything turned out.  It was a slight competition between upstairs and downstairs... and hands down... upstairs won (which is where I'm at).  All the girls did a great job and all the creativeness between everyone was amazing.  The night before Halloween, I got Kayla dressed up in her Minnie Mouse and took her over to my Uncle Earl's house to deliver some cookies we made for him.  He always likes it when I made him cookies or desert of any sorts.  My Aunt Oneta happened to be over there as well, so of course I had to snap some pictures.

Yesterday, on Halloween... we had a lunch pot-luck party at work along with costume contest.  Needless to say it probably wasn't the most productive work day ever, but it was definitely fun.  I left work early and headed home to get Kayla ready, everything packed and head out to Mustang to my brother's house for trick-or-treat.  I convinced my parents to come along so they could be there for Kayla's first trick-or-treat experience.  Fred was out west and was suppose to head in to meet us in Mustang, but ended up calling an hour before to say he wasn't going to make it after all.  Which was very disappointing to hear.  I really hoped he would be there for Kayla.

After a few houses she kinda started getting the hang of it.  The first house, she wasn't sure what was going on.  Second house, they had a dog and she wanted to go inside and pet it.  Third house, she was almost ran over by her cousin Katie and then wanted to give the people candy out of her bucket.  Fourth and fifth house she held her bucket up for them to put candy in... and of course never spoke a word to anyone the entire time.  After the fifth house she crawled into her stroller and was pretty much done.  I managed to push her to a few more houses right up to the front door to collect candy, but then I decided we should head back to the house.  It was an experience for her and she seemed to have more fun playing in the living room with all the kids rather than roaming the streets walking up to strangers hoping for them to drop stuff in her pumpkin.  I wish Halloween would have been on a weekend instead of a weekday, because we didn't stay long.  We had to get back on the road to get home so I could get my little Minnie Mouse to bed before it got to late.  I'm already looking forward to next year, especially since Kayla will have a better understanding of what trick-or-treat is all about.  Maybe next time Fred will actually make it too.

 

How lucky I am

I can honestly say that every single day of my life I'm reminded just how lucky I am to have the most beautiful, wonderful, and precious daughter in the world.  As crazy as it may sound, I'm completely addicted to her.  Her laugh makes me laugh, her smile makes me smile, she's just contagious for me and I don't mind it one bit.

Of all the jobs I've had in my lifetime or all the things I've ever done... being a mommy is the absolute best and highest honor I've ever had or could ever receive.

Tonight as Kayla and I were winding down from dancing to "The Hot Dog Song" and other random songs from the tv... I pretended to collapse in the floor with arms spread out.  Kayla jumps up, runs to grab a blanket and her "doggy" then comes to cover me up with the blanket then attempts to crawl under there with me along with "doggy" too.  Just warms my heart, she's so sweet.

Last Friday night for whatever reason, Kayla didn't sleep well.  At all.
She went to bed at her usual 8:30pm time but then around 1am she was crying.  I went to soothe her, lay her back down, cover her up, etc., but shortly after I had crawled back in bed there she was awake and crying again.  It's a very rare occasion that she will wake up in the night like that so I knew she wasn't feeling quite right.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get her back to sleep, I made the decision to bring her to bed with me, which was around 3am.  I tried laying her next to me thinking I could just cuddle her, but that didn't work she wanted to lay on top of me with "doggy" in hand of course.  So I propped the pillows up where I could lay slightly upright, then within minutes she was sound asleep and still laying ontop of me as well, lol.  I got as much sleep as I could for the next 3 hours and was partially still asleep when we stumbled out of bed into the living room to flip the tv on.  If I would have realized it was only 6am I would have not gotten out of bed, but well I was sleep deprived and a little out of it.  We dozed off and on while laying on the couch watching random things on tv.  I'm glad she just wanted to hang out with me on the couch and not run wild thru the house.

Even though I was seriously sleep deprived all day Saturday and was only about half way functioning most of the day... I enjoyed every minute of it.  It's a good feeling to feel wanted and to know that you are able to put your sweet baby back to sleep when nothing else works.  Apparently she was just wanting some mommy time and wanted me close.

She's growing so fast, so I'm trying to absorb all the sweetest she's willing to give while she's this age.

On another note... I had this bright idea awhile back that I would make a minnie mouse costume for Kayla to wear for Halloween this year.  What was I thinking?  There are times when I don't exactly think everything thru completely before diving off in the deep end.  Well there is no failing this project, one way or the other she will be wearing the minnie mouse costume I make when I finally finish it.  I was attempting to put the sleeves on tonight and well that proved to be a little more challenging then I thought it would be, lol.  I need all fingers and toes crossed and lots of prayers this will turn out good.

I will have to post pics when I'm done!

My cousin Gary

Well I have some very sad news... my cousin Gary has an in-curable lung disease.  Caused from having pneumonia so many times and it's caused a lot of scar tissue to develop in his lungs.  When my aunt took him to the dr the other day, his oxygen level was so low it wouldn't even register on the testing machine they wanted him to breathe in.  This is not good at all.

Unfortunately there is nothing they can do for him except make him as comfortable as possible with inhalers and meds.  My aunt said that slowly but surely it will start to cut off his breathing over time and he will eventually live on oxygen and well... that's about it.  Gary knows what's going on but doesn't know the severity of it.  Because of other health conditions he has, my aunt said that it's best he doesn't know how serious it really is.  It would only make him upset which would cause more harm than good.  Why does it always seem like when it rains... it pours?  He's such a kind sole and the most giving and loving person in the world, but yet he's faced so many challenges in his life that have caused him so much pain and now this.  One more thing to cause him discomfort and pain once again.  It just doesn't make sense to me why things happen like they do, but I guess it's not really up to me to understand the "why" in life either.

Growing up, my aunt was like another mom to me and my cousins, Gary and Sheri were more like siblings to me then cousins.  We've always had a very close bond from the start, that's just how it's always been.  It breaks my heart to know what he's going thru and the long road he has ahead.

We just have to put it in Gods hands and let him lead the way thru the pain.

As Gary always says... "I love you and God Bless"

Going back

Tuesday we had an appointment to see Paula again.  Unfortunately Fred was unable to make it because he was out west working ground in order to plant wheat this week.

I've been after him for some time to make another appointment with Paula so we could attempt to get back on track again... however he never did until late last week and then he couldn't even make it.  A little disappointing for me.

My chat with Paula was much needed and even though Fred couldn't make it I feel like maybe that was meant to be.  I was able to get a lot of things off my chest, I learned a lot and feel I have a new approach to take now.

I learned that I need to take care of myself first and most importantly take care of Kayla as well.  I can't change Fred's priorties to put myself and Kayla first.  I can't change his trail of thoughts or what choices he makes.  However, I can make the right decisions for me and Kayla.  That is what I do have control over.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from the continous conversations we have about why he never comes home when he says he will or the times he promises to be home at least one day on the weekend but yet something always comes up to drag him in another direction.

One thing that really hit home was "you can't love someone enough to change them, they have to love you enough to change."

Wow... so true, so true.  I guess I had never thought of it that way before.  It's amazing how one statement can make such an impact on how you feel about things.  Paula said that she feels like I'm holding back on life because I spend to much time trying to think of what's right for "us" when he is obviously not doing the same in return.  This only causes more weight on me trying to love him that much more in hopes the lightbulb will come on one day in his head and start putting our family first instead of everyone else.

It's hard to believe we've been going to Paula over a year now, but yet we still have the same issues and problems as we did when we first started going.  She said that when there's been little progress and the same issues are there as they were before especially in over a years time frame... chances are it's not going to change anytime soon, if ever.  She strongly suggested that I take a step back and focus on myself and what's best for me and Kayla.  And I think she's right... about everything.

I've "bitched" at Fred so many times about how things may change for a day or even two, but then we take 20 steps backwards all over again.  This is a constant roll-a-coaster that I'm tired of being on.  Unfortunately it just never seems to sink in though.

The truth and reality isn't always easy.  The time he's been away this week has given me time to think and to emotionally relax, so I'm thankful for that.

It's sad to say but when he's not here, I don't have to pick up things left around the house that Kayla shouldn't get into such as knives or medicine.  I don't have to worry about him coming home when he said he would because I know he's not coming home at all.

It's such a loss in so many ways.  I wish he knew the serious impact his behavior has on his daughter and on me.

If only I had some magic pixie dust to make it all better now.

In Remembrance

Lately I haven't the time out of my busy schedule to blog, but tonight I am making the point to.

I want to take a moment and dedicate this blog to several people in my life and you know who you are.

The recent loss of a magnificent woman Mrs. Orr, has saddened my heart tremendously.

I remember the last time I hugged her like it was yesterday.  Mr. & Mrs. Orr were officially moving to Houston to be closer to their daughter and that was really rough for them.  The moving truck was at the house and everyone was working hard to load everything for the long move to Houston.  Fred and I stopped in to say goodbye.  I knew at the time, chances were I wouldn't have the opportunity to see them again.  As I hugged and hugged her tightly that day it was hard to bring myself to walk out the front door to leave.  I managed to keep the tears from flowing until I approached the front doorway and had to force myself to continue walking through it.  Being pregnant at the time didn't help my emotions either.

Months before the move took place, Fred and I had discussed the option of buying the house to raise our family.  It was the perfect location, right down the street from my parents, close to town and work... everything seemed so right but at the same time it was sad too.  They had to leave their dog Spike behind and we took care of him until he passed away just a week after I brought Kayla home from the hospital.  I was devastated to find Spike and truly believe he was heartbroken after they moved away.  Even though we loved and took care of him, I'm sure for him it just wasn't the same without them around.

Mrs. Orr was more than just my best friend Kat's grandma, the neighbor down the street, a wonderful teacher, a great piano player... she was like another mom.  She always treated Kat like she was her child, not her grandchild and she was always so proud to talk about her every chance she got.  You could just see her face light up every time.  She loved all her kids so much and anytime you were around her you could just feel it.  Just being in her presence, with all the warmth she radiated, made you want to strive to be a better person yourself.  I believe she had that affect on everyone around her.

I will always cherish the times that I would call upon her for help with homework that I didn't understand and she was always more than willing to teach me.  Even though I never had her as a teacher in a school environment, she was the best teacher I've ever had.

It was because of her that Kat and I started hanging out together around the age of eight.  Of course our friendship developed into not only best friends, but family as we still remain today.  I can still hear Mrs. Orr telling me on so many occasions how glad she was that Kat and I had remained so close through the years, even though we lived far apart growing up.  Kat and I always looked forward to the end of the school year because she would spend the summer with her grandparents and we would get to see each other.  When we were young girls, we couldn't call each other on the phone because it was long distance and would cost extra money, so from time to time we would mail each other letters.  Her grandma always took us to the mall to shop and she would do her shopping and we would go roam the mall and meet her back at a certain time and she would always be patiently waiting for us in a chair just outside of Sears.

On September 8th, Mr. and Mrs. Orr celebrated 71 years of marriage.  How amazing is that?  Again that is something to look up to and truly appreciate all the love, work and rough roads it sometimes takes to get there.  I always thought it was so cute how you could just look at them and know how much they loved each other by the way they acted towards each other.  I can only hope and pray that someday my marriage can be that strong too.

With regret I won't be able to attend Mrs. Orr's funeral on Monday, because it is in Houston.  If I had the extra money to fly out there, I would do it in a heartbeat.  If I had the extra money to make the road trip, I would do that too.  Unfortunately neither of these are options though.

Even though I'm unable to physically attend the services, I know in my heart she knows how much I love her and will always hold close all the memories we've made through the years.

For my best friend Kat, please know that I will be with you on your 10 hour journey in the morning as well as your return back home.  You know for sure someone else will be watching over you too, and we both know she will most definitely ensure your safe travel!  You will be in my thoughts and prayers as always and if you need anything, you know I'm here.  I love you.

Mrs. Orr, you were an angel here on earth and now you're an angel in Heaven.  I love you forever and always.

First ER Visit

July 7th was Kayla's first ER visit.

Friday, July 6th early evening she was running a high temp, so I gave her some tylenol in hopes it would come down.  I gave her another dose around 1am after checking her temp again & it had creeped up instead of down.  Then Saturday morning when I checked again... it was even higher & she was burning up!  I wasn't sure what was going on so I made the decision to run her down to the ER just to be on the safe side.

She was the absolute perfect ER patient.  All the nurses & doctor were impressed with her.  She was a big girl the whole time & after a full work over, including a urine test, everything came back good & the doctor said she probably just had a viral infection & just to continue tylenol & motrine every 4 hours until her temp came down.

My poor love bug.  I felt completely helpless not being able to fix her immediately.

I know some might say I overreacted by rushing her down to the ER, but hey... better safe then sorry in my opinion.  I felt much better after taking her to get her checked out.

What a weekend that was though.  It just so happened that I had to work all weekend from home & that proved to be a challenge, but I got as much finished as I could & was satisfied with that.

The worst part came that following Tuesday morning, July 10th.  Fred had gotten up earlier to leave the house to take some cattle to the stockyards & not to long after he shut the door behind him... Kayla awoke & was crying, which is not like her at all.  She usually takes a little while to completely wake up & typically she's in a pretty good mood.  But not this morning, at all.

My poor love bug's eyes were completely swollen shut with goop.  It was so sad.  She just cried & cried... I took her temp & it was high so I knew it was time for a dr visit for sure.  I called my dad to come down to the house to hold her for a few minutes so that I could at least make the phone call to the dr office to get her an appointment.  Poor thing, she just wanted her mommy & nobody else... not even her papa.  Luckily they were able to get her an appointment... except the only spot they had available wasn't until 4:30pm that day!

Kayla & I made the most of it though, we played dr & I held warm wash cloths on her little swollen eyes until I could get them un-gooped & she could see again.  They stayed swollen most of the day, but the more time passed the better she got thankfully.  By the time 4:30pm rolled around she was up & playing more & in better spirits.

They did some tests at the dr office & well... she had the flu!  Can you believe that?  What made my blood start to boil was when they said the ER should have caught this when I took her there.  If only they would have swabbed her throat & nose & ran a few other tests we would have caught this earlier & could've given her medication to make her better much faster.  Unfortunately since she had probably had the flu since Friday, there wasn't any medicine to give her for it & we would just have to ride it out for a few more days.  Ugh my poor sweet baby!

Despite having the flu, Kayla was in a good mood.  She had a few days of only wanting mommy to hold her, but besides that she was great!

I enjoyed every minute of being at home, holding her the entire day when she was sick.  I felt needed & that was truly an excellant feeling.  I just wish we could have figured everything out much sooner & helped her get better faster.

I have to say, being a mommy is the best, most rewarding job in the entire world!  Totally priceless in my opinion.

Anonymous email

I have my blog set up where anyone who wishes to post a comment regarding any blog, it first comes directly to my personal email for approval... then if I approve, it will then & only then post pubicly for everyone else to see.

When I received this the other day, I had to take some time to think about it.  Then I decided instead of approving it to post, I would actually address this.

The email I received was in regards to my May 23rd blog:

I was sad when I read this. I not imagine what you going through. He doesn't know what he has. You very sweet friend to me for so many years now and the most beutiful person I've ever known inside out known you for 18 years now. I don't know how anyone could say they are not attracted to you cause you have always been hot not only on outside but inside to. I know I would had loved you better than that. dating you set the standars very high for those I saw after you and there've been times I wish my wife was more like you. (please do not lecture me saying that you know I love my wife)Though you and I did not wofk out in relationship we became close friends over years and I sometimes wish things would have been different. Makes me very sad to read you pain and wish I could tell him how he would regret losing you if he ever does. I know I do regret. don't let anybody take you down you more than that so much more than that. You are one of a kind kim and the best. One millon guys out there who would love you I know it. Havent' talked in long time but Im always goin be here for you always.

The email was signed from anonymous with no name, however I have a pretty good idea of who this is.  I had a few mixed emotions, in a way I was very flattered, but in another way I wasn't quite sure what to think.  First, I wasn't aware that any of my ex's were reading my blog, so that kinda shocked me.  Second, to hear someone say they regret that things didn't work out from a relationship that was sooo long ago, completely floored me.

I know that everyone has their own opinions of what should or shouldn't happen in someone else's life & everyone is entitled to that I suppose.  I do thank you for the email/comment, it did make me feel like "I still have it" in a way, but more importantly I want to say that I do love my husband & I have all intentions of working through things & hopefully getting our marriage on a stronger path.  I appreciate that you didn't automatically strike out with "I should leave him" or any of those types of things.  I know the tough times you've been through in your own marriage & I know that you were simply trying to reach out to let me know someone cares & make me feel better, in which you accomplished.

Thank you for reading my blog & always being a loving, caring friend!

When Your Husband Has Given Up

It's amazing how sometimes things just happen on the days we are struggling the most.  This email came across my path today & I thought it was so fitting I wanted to post it for everyone to read...

When Your Husband Has Given Up
By Lysa TerKeurst

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

The silence. The rejection. The harsh words. The absence of intimacy. The questions. The lack of answers. The hurt.

My heart aches for anyone in a marriage that's struggling. I've been there. Many of us have.  But I think the deepest hurt comes when one spouse resigns while the other is still trying. There is a panic that arises to somehow make the other person wake up, stop their resignation, and help you fix this relationship.

A situation like this is much more complicated than simple answers I could offer here. But might I give you one stepping stone upon which to stand, to stop the panic and balance yourself?

Decide today that you are worthy.

Because you are. Worthy. You may not feel like it. But a quick glimpse at Psalm 139 assures me, you are. And I'd rather depend on the solid truth of God than the roller coaster of fickle feelings.

You are beautiful and captivating and attractive and smart and capable. But if you are in a relationship full of unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and frustrating communication, I suspect you feel a little less than all I've described.

Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.
And if you're anything like me, when you feel broken down those around you get your worst. Then upon all the hurt and anxiety you layer on regret, shame, and the feeling that you've lost yourself. You've lost that girl inside you that used to be so positive and happy and ready to take on the world.

Can I whisper a tender truth to you? The only way to recapture her is to come up for air and remember you are worthy.

Then you can act worthy.

And step aside from the emotional yuck to make some level headed decisions. Get a plan. Talk to wise people who love you and will walk this tough journey with you.

Draw some boundaries with your husband, if there are some needed. Pray like crazy for clear discernment.

And read good books that will help you. I just read Dr. Tim Clinton's new book called, Breakthrough. In it he says, "By discovering God's definition of true love and learning to live by it, we can open the door to freedom. Our future is in God's hands. When you are able to see and embrace this truth — there's your breakthrough!"

Remember you can't control how he acts and reacts, but you can control how you act and react.

Reclaim who you are.

I pray your relationship survives. I pray it with every fiber of my being. But if it doesn't, I pray most of all that the beautiful woman you are rises above all the yuck, still clinging tightly to the only opinion that matters — the One who forever calls you worthy.

Dear Lord, my marriage is struggling. I'm struggling. Help me please. I need to hold on to Your truths that I am worthy. And God, please show me what steps to take to support my marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Right through the heart

We had another appointment with Paula yesterday.  I thought over all it was about fair to medium.  A few major things came to light.  When asked what are some things he would like for me to work on, they were... weight & smoking.  Two of which I already knew I had issues with & have for some time now.  With Paula we talked mainly about the smoking & how I would love to quit, yada yada yada & we didn't discuss the weight.

After hearing the word "weight" come out of his mouth, it was very hard for me to focus on anything else while we were there.  The emotions only got worse on my drive home.  It became overwhelming for me to even think about.  Finally after Kayla had her bath, was sound asleep & a few hours had passed... we ended up talking about this.  Even though the higher road was that he was able to get his true feelings out... the lower road is where I was stuck & ended up off in a ditch praying someone would cover me with dirt.

My entire life I've always thought I was "fat"... even back in the day when I only weighed a mere 100 lbs.  I don't know why, it's just always been an issue for me in my mind.  Now one of my worst fears in life has came true... the husband in which I'm praying so desperately I can work things out with... well he doesn't find me attractive anymore & hasn't for months now from what he says.  This only complicates our current rocky marriage even more.  I cried so hard & for so many hours last night, I couldn't even think straight after awhile.  How in the hell do you even begin to recover a spark that's no longer there?  I'm totally lost.

When we took our vows of marriage, I took them very seriously & have tried my hardest to prove in every way possible that there is no question I will remain by his side throughout my time here on earth, however long that may be.  Hearing him say to my face that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, hasn't for awhile & doesn't want to have any more babies with me until I lose some weight... well I'm not even sure I can put into words exactly how that feels right now.

The truth is, I feel like giving up on our marriage.  I'm hurt, & emotionally & physically drained at this point.  I cried so hard last night that this morning my eyes were swollen almost shut when I woke up.  Putting my contacts in was painful & even a extra coat of make-up couldn't hide the swelling from everyone who saw me.  I quickly blamed it on allergy's & left it at that, but it was hard.  A few hours in to the work day I realized that I wasn't getting anything accomplished & couldn't even begin to concentrate for nothing.  It made me physically sick & I decided I needed to leave & attempt to pull myself together how ever I can.  I've never been one to bring my personal life to work with me, but this time I just couldn't leave it at home.

To top it off, on my drive home from work, my mom called to tell me that Kayla hadn't been acting right all day today & wasn't sure if she wasn't feeling well or what the deal was.  That hit me extremely hard in every way.  When I dropped Kayla off this morning she cried for me at the front door as I was leaving, which has only happened 3 times now.  She normally stands at the front door & when I get to the side walk I turn back & she waves bye to me while laughing or smiling.  Maybe somehow she could read the emotional state I was in this morning, I just don't know.  I hate to even think that could be a possibility.  The last thing I want is for my little love bug to experience the sadness that I'm going through.  She's way to little & that's just not fair to her.

It's very clear to me now why there's no motivation to help out or do more things for or with me, without me having to constantly remind or beg him.  He doesn't find me attractive, so why would he be motivated to be with me at all.  So basically it's like this... apparently I need to fix myself & get skinny to get that spark back & to motivate him to want to make our family a #1 priority, right?  Sounds kinda jacked up doesn't it?

I've been talking about a certain work-out machine since before Christmas time & even hoped that he would have purchased it for me, but it never happened.  Finishing the walls in the den/office so I would have everything fixed up in order to have a nice place to work out, hasn't happened.  I went to a weight doctor & lost about 18 lbs altogether, but that got expensive & it's hard to stay on track with a husband that enjoys bringing home a dozen donuts, cookies or whatever else he picks up at the store, but yet I'm suppose to be on a diet?  All the emotions I went through during pregnancy & then after... well that was really rough for me.  The thought of my body never being the exact same as it was before was so tough for me to cope with for awhile... and just when I started to quit beating myself up so hard every day, I get hit with the hardest blow of all.  If ever his intentions were to hurt me, well he's far succeeded at that by now.

I'm not quite sure how to get past this hurt, because it's deep.  It's affecting every thought in my mind currently & now I've begun beating myself up once again.  I feel like I'm not good enough or maybe he feels there is something else better & hotter out there that's more worth his time than me.

Last night I kept hoping that he would comfort me in some way & make me really believe that he wanted to work on our marriage & get back on the right road again.  There were very few words from him & definitely not a lot of physical comforting.  To me that sent strong signals.  If there is no effort, it will definitely never work.  I could have used his arms around me this morning re-assuring me that we'll get through this, except that didn't happen.  A quick kiss goodbye & I drove off to drop Kayla off, that was it.

What ever happened to unconditional love?  Is it suppose to be one-sided?  If something were to ever happen to him, no matter what it may be... I know without any doubt I would do whatever it took to take care of him to the best of my abilities & love him unconditionally til my last breathe.  Don't I deserve the same in return?  Isn't that what marriage is suppose to be?

I've been asking myself all day... where do I go from here? What do I do now? That's a hard question, in which I have no answer at this point.  I wish I could sit face to face with God & ask him which way I'm suppose to go.  I need some direction.  I need some guidance.

God... please grant me the strength I need to get through this sadness & hurt.